Sunday, November 29, 2009

Another one....

I had another strange dream tonight. But this one wasn't bad it was just strange. Why do I have these strange dreams ? Recently I've started to have a lot of dreams. Not many that I remember but I remember having them. I wonder why ?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Weird dreams…

I just had one of the strangest dreams in a very long time. I didn't like it at all...

Unpleasant the whole way through. Disaster upon disaster. Even more broken up inside…

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Recent Thoughts

Yesterday was a really exhausting day. Started off bad by oversleeping. After geography which is one of my non-enjoyable lessons we had quire-practice which was great fun only for one detail that kept me alert. After quire I was really hungry so I rushed for food. During and after my meal I noticed that something wasn't right. And after one of those stupid questions that really means " tell me what's wrong " my suspicions were confirmed. The whole rest of the day was waiting for a phone call and pondering over the days event. Later I went to Jacks and read a bit on psychology. But because of my last night I was too tired to either read or be any kind of company. A few moments before my I decided to get going and get some sleep in place of what I missed and then I got the phone call I was waiting for.
Shortly after arriving home I decided to make a phone call before going to bed. It was meant to be one of those 5 minute calls but turned out to be an almost 3 hour phone call, which was quite nice as well. Even though I needed my sleep it felt good. Got a great conversation going and we covered a lot of ground. Personally I prefer to talk face-to-face but still it was nice just the way it was. The conversation would probably never have taken place face-to-face which is a bit of a disappointment for me but one shouldn't ask for too much.

Last night I had a lot of strange dreams. Dreams which I can't recall anymore. But still I had a good nights sleep even though I was a few hours shorter then intended. But it was still a "normal" nights sleep. I woke up of the phone ringing and after a while got up and took a shower. I got to school just in time to get my whole breakfast eaten. I would've liked to get the time to eat more than I did but I managed on what I ate. We had drama the first lesson and after drama I had a whole in my schedule which was really great since I got the time to study for the upcoming psychology test. After food we had our test and I wrote 5 1/2 pages of answers. I'm not really pleased with my effort though. I feel as though I could've written better answers had I only the time. After psychology we had the principal with whom we went through what we needed to know till next weeks test. After that we ate and me and W went to my place to spend some time together which was cut short by reality. I needed to get going for maths.
Maths class went by quite fast so that felt nice. I then realized that I needed to buy some milk and some breakfast for the weekend and so I did.
I felt this urge to call V. Meanwhile I was in City Market I called V and caught up on the weeks events and life. We had a good long conversation. By the time we were finished with our conversation I was already home.

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's just great !

It seems as though I've stumbled upon a time in my life where everything changes. My whole life situation has changed dramatically. I'm generally happy with my life. There are yet many things to improve but I'm still happy with it as it is. Right now I feel as though anything could be fixed. There's nothing really able to ruin what I have. Or that's how it feels but the pessimist inside tells me not to be to confident about that. It's the internal struggle that I always have to live with.

I seem to have found exactly what I need. In some way so small but yet so great at the same time. A bit hard to explain. It feels as though it shouldn't make all that big difference but somehow it makes a bigger difference than what would have been expected. But lately many of my expectations have been exceeded in various ways. Even though everything hasn't been all well it has been fixed. It all feels very nice.

I still can't really understand my feelings. I think I could but somehow it's like if I don't really want to. Subconsciously I'm probably avoiding the understanding of the whole yolk. But I'm still holding back, as if there is a lot more I could do but I haven't really found my calling. I believe that there is something that should be done but I just can't put my finger on what it is. I do have an idea but I don't know how to do it. And the reason is I have no authority which would be needed, no proper contacts that could help in any way and I'm probably too young for anyone to listen to. Problems of todays thinkers, one might find a great solution but the trick is to make people listen.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Unsettling Feelings

I just can't shake this, unpleasant feeling I have. It just feels strange. It feels wrong. It isn't quite right. Not really. Not speaking of just one single event. Not only one subject. Life is strange. You always come across unexpected things. Things that make you question things in your life, if they truly are as they would seem or if they are in fact something else. Things that might disgust you a bit. Things of all kinds.

Recent thoughts have led me to one unasked question which needs answering. One of those questions you wouldn't want to ask. Not really. Because certain things become more obvious when a question such as the one I have in mind is asked. Things that you wouldn't want to be there. Those things you wish would just disappear for if they were to be gone ones life would be easier. But it is something that needs to be asked for if not then I will be haunted by my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder, is true happiness something that's even possible to attain.

A recent question made a very unpleasant feeling emerge. I don't know if it was the seriousness of the question or if what was asked just made me disgusted. Previous times when the same question was made I thought of it as a joke and joked back and never really thought it was something serious. At times it made me a bit uncomfortable but still I just joked around not taking it seriously. It made me unsure of things. I heard rumours and such but I thought of them as only rumours. Never really wanted it to be true and defeding this person. Then I asked a question to understand the past. I got an answer and the question was redirected to me. I thought it be obvious but since the question was made towards me it probably wasn't. I asked why it was wanted to begin with, but the real reason wasn't known. At least it wasn't at the surface. But the whole thing made me a bit disgusted. I don't mean to be bad against this person but this is how I feel. Even the thought of it feels wrong.

Friday, November 13, 2009

After a short little talk most of all the worries and such went away, one again feeling just the way it should. I'm happy and very grateful. It seems as though I have found what I'm looking for.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

sad but true

This whole ordeal started of with a simple event. As many ordeals do. That short moment turned everything around. Everything changed. I cannot in any way deny how bad and wrong it felt. It triggered everything I've so hard tried to suppress. All these negative feelings, thoughts, insecurities coming back to the surface to haunt me once again. This not only effects me as I would wish, but those in my surroundings too. Directly having an impact on that which is most precious to me.

Since that moment I haven't been able to help but to feel uneasy about everything. A deep unsettling feeling about everything going on. Not being able to think clearly. I feel as though I'm losing control of everything again. Falling back to where I was. All the effort put into it, all in vain ?

This just breaks me beyond my understanding. How can these things make such an impact on me always ? There's no logic to it. Am I just too broken to keep from feeling this way for any lent of time ? So it would seem, what a depressing thought. This morning I felt as though everything was okay, but as the day progressed I once again got smacked right in the face of just that feeling. And not only that, a short exchange of words just made everything just that extra bit worse. But that was my fault. I should of seen it coming as it always does. Too bad it never takes root in any other way than the worst possible.

I really do hate myself at times like these…

Sunday, November 8, 2009

new experiences

This is one of those times in ones life where they go through loads of new experiences. Recently I've been feeling different feelings. Feelings I've never encountered before. I can only imagine what these feelings are but I dare not say it. But I do feel something new, and wonderful. A deep happiness which I cannot explain. And I know where the source of this happiness is. That's exactly what's making me wonder, could it really be. It makes me uncomfortable to think about it while it still makes me happy. Is this my subconsciousness telling me to not even try to understand it since it will only disappoint me ? Or it it saying not to even bother ?
One might wonder about these things.

Though it makes me wonder if I give these things too much thought. It's not like if it helps me in any way. But the real reason I look in to it so deeply is that I haven't quite got a hold of these feelings. I don't quite understand them which makes me nervous but yet I feel good. Which means these feelings are good but somehow I don't feel as though I don't deserve to be this happy. To feel the way I do. Is this telling me something ? Is there something I've missed ?

I'm thinking yes. There is something. There are Those issues that still needs taking care of. I've taken quite a long break from them and maybe it's time to go back and take care of Those things. I feel a great pull from two directions. This means that there's something still wrong. It must be one of Those issues. But right now there's nothing I can do. I still don't know what it is I can do to fix any of it. There must be something but I don't know what. I will take a look into it in a weeks time.

Wish me luck !

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Unexpected Experiences

Have any of you ever felt like it is those unexpected events which are the best ones in ones life ? Would any of you agree if I said that where the case ? I experienced something I never had expected. It was one of those things you don't see coming until they are already there and there is nothing going to stop it from happening. Yesterday was one of those times in my life where I experienced it. Since I caught my eye on you I felt something special that you were going to make a lot of change. And so you have. Not only happiness but something of even greater importance. Something that will help me in my pursuit. I saw solution in your eyes when you looked into mine. There was something you saw which I saw you see. I have felt you having the capacity to understand me and my person but in such a way was so unexpected I was too dazzled to even make out a sentence. I felt as though I was in a certain trance. Not understanding the situation I was scarred yet I felt safe.. Things from the depth of my person was revealed even to me as I had never seen it in such a way before.

I can't explain this in words because it was so different somehow. As I opened myself up for you to see, I saw what you saw as if you where the mirror showing me my person and myself. I somehow felt as if I saw myself so clearly even though you didn't really understand much of what you saw. I felt as though it was showing everything. I got out of my shell and saw myself from the outside. I cannot really saw I liked everything I saw since it was there that which I want to get rid of. But that's okay. I believe it was good for me to see what I did and good for you to see since then you got the chance to understand me at such a level it may help me find the answers I'm looking for.

I told you to dazzle me and so you did. More than would have expected since you didn't know how. I told you to try different things to find that which I would find dazzling. You dazzled me many times over and so I was completely paralyzed by that dazzling experience. I truly am grateful for this. My feelings have extended beyond the previous limits as there are many good factors which I never before have dealt with. All which I believe are good in many ways. I am truly grateful for having you in my life. It feels as if you will bring great fortune despite what might happen.

People who effect your life in such a positive way makes one wonder, are they really human or are they in fact angels for they seem to open the path one must see for them selves not having anyone to tell them where to go.

Unexpected experiences, aren't they really the greatest of all ?