A Rough Night

It felt like it was more important. It felt like all that extra stress was for nothing. Disappointed again. It really didn't feel good. The wall took the beating. 

Can't remember letting go like that. 

Feelings were expressed and things felt better, though it wasn't very pleasant. I wonder if the conversation sticked or passed the memory. I guess time will tell. 

In the end things turned out well. 

Progress

I touched the truth. I hadn't done that before, not like this. Never before had I gone so deep. Never before was I able to let myself wander so far into the abyss, into the darkness. I found a place in which I don't remember being. So well guarded had I been. So well guarded from the truth. Even I couldn't enter without help. I saw the remains that were hidden. 

I saw the bear in the cage. He had never left. He just went to sleep. I saw him sleeping there. Alone in the dark. As I entered that forgotten room I relived that moment. The trembling, the fear, it was all there. I panicked, couldn't remember ever losing control like that. 

The darkness needs to move elsewhere. That room was never meant to be dark. That room was meant for light. That room was meant for something else entirely. There isn't supposed to be a cage there. That wild beast is not meant to be caged there. The room needs to change. 

In the darkness I've dwelt for so long. The light came and blinded me. I knew not what was going on. Though I was scared I accepted the light, little by little. As the light became stronger I got used to it and I started to see. I could see things with a different light, a warm light. 

My heart is now free, now I need to get out of this cage.

Complicated

Things aren't always as easy as they seem. Things now are not as I had earlier envisioned them. They are completely different. I wonder about the decision and I wonder was that really right. In some ways yes, in others no.

But anyway I think things might change in a different manner than previously thought. I hope things turn out for the best. We'll see. 

Things are complicated right now. 

Trauma

I made a new realisation last night. Something that's been with me since I can remember. I just wonder why? What in my past made me bring it with me. As I thought about it an image popped up in my head. An old memory. The memory tends to pop up every now and then. 

I can still remember the feeling. I can still feel the trembling. I can still see the fear. 

This happened more than once.

The Road Ahead

I wouldn't look for something new, how could I? I know that it would only be to fill a space, but why would I want that? I know that the situation would only end up the same. Right now that would only cause everybody pain.

Even though I believe it was the best thing to do I'm still in grief. I'm sure the other part feels it too. It is said that if you love something you sometimes have to let it go, well I think that applies to this situation. It's not easy, I knew it wouldn't be. Love isn't always easy. Love isn't always what you want it to be.

Sometimes love means giving something up for the better of someone else, even though it mightn't be the most pleasant thing to do. Doing the right thing isn't always the easiest. I mean if the right thing always was the easiest then life would be so much simpler, but it isn't.

Still I keep thinking whether or not we we're in a hurry with the decision making. I keep thinking if there was anyway to change the situation into one that would work. I keep wondering if I should have thought about it more. I keep thinking that I should have tried harder.

Then again I'm pretty sure these are the kinds of thoughts one has if they make a life-changing decision and has not yet experienced the consequences properly. I'm sure time will tell us.

Where exactly to go on from here is unclear. Maybe I have to wait for the fog to settle before I can look forward. Right now I have to watch my step and slow down.

Strange Change

Change is strange. Sometimes you don't really know how to react or how to cope. Part of me is sad yet another part of me is relieved. There were tears, but I suppose that's a good thing. I didn't really expect it to go so well, but then again the other side is a good one. As far as I can tell this has been the most successful confrontation in my life, though time will tell if I'm right. Things probably have to sink in before we draw to conclusions. Still, I'm pretty confident.

Things don't necessarily have to end, just change. The change will be good, for everyone I think. As I reached my limits I knew things had to change. I could not live with the situation as it was. These new circumstances will probably make everything easier.

A lot of what was, remains. Hopefully that won't change. Some aspects of this change is unpleasant to think about, but things which must be accepted when the time comes.

Time will heal all wounds. I think of these recent wounds as clean ones, therefore they won't get infected.

Love is a complicated thing. It isn't as straightforward, all the time, as one would wish. It never left, but couldn't stay in the shape it was. The love is still there, trust me.

This

I've had a lot of thoughts about it lately. What I'm doing, what I want to do, what I should do and so on. So I guess things are pretty much as they usually are, only now things seem more complicated than they usually are. So many things to take into account. So many things which tell me different things. I know things will never be the way I imagined them. Not as seems now anyway. I just don't see that possibility, I suppose that might be good or bad. Then there's the important factor I never really took into account that still influences me constantly. The whole reason this is something to think about in the first place.

I have come to love it here. I am really happy about having these opportunities. I'm wondering if this was that which I felt for all these years. If this was that which would fill that void that never could get filled. I suppose it's the completely new ingredients in my life.

I see it.    

Emancipation

I had a dream the other night. I found it peculiar, different from most others. I had a sense of unease when I woke up and I had this thought that there was someone I needed to confront. I decided not to do so right there and then so I waited till a later time. When I finally had contact with this person later in the day I told her about the dream.

When I told this person what my dream was about I got reassured and things opened up, things which I don't believe I would have been a part of unless I would have had that dream.

I learnt a lot from the conversation we had. Things in my own life started to make more sense. Like the words were put on that feeling I've had and not been able to identify. I also took this chance to tell the person something I believed was important. Something that probably hadn't been thought of. It turned out I was right about that. It seemed to have been good.

As the story was told I felt touched. I felt like it was something good. When I heard the story I realized how much I myself would benefit from such a thing.

Also the other night I made a discovery, a discovery which put light upon a great deal of things. Everything was so clear from that moment on. I now understand it a lot more than ever before.

The freedom of finally getting it done was indescribable. It felt so good to let it out again.

Greater understanding

In my time here I've seen a whole lot more of certain aspects of life. Those which I had felt myself just not felt it was okay for me to feel that way. Somehow I felt as those particular feelings were forbidden and only for the weak. I was wrong.

Since I've seen it up close. I've been around it long enough to see it. I've seen behind the scenes. It's not always as good as it looks. Through a brief conversation I suddenly saw it for what it was, that which I had already noticed by myself. Seeing it like this there is no wonder things are the way they are in this society.

People are not healthy. Simple as that yet much more complex. 

Things need to change.

Getting Settled

It takes some time getting settled. There are a lot of things that you need to get used to. Things like checking your mailbox regularly and taking it easy every now and then. Eager as I've been I've barely spent any time at home. I've always been out and about and doing lots of stuff, mostly work related.

I suppose I should take it easy every now and then, but you know it's hard. Finding the time and the state of mind sitting down just relaxing and not thinking about work and everything work related. I haven't really felt the need to do so yet but my colleagues have told me I need take a break. I guess having been unemployed makes you eager to work.

 I'm starting to see that I barely take any time at all alone for myself and I know that I'm the kind of person who needs time alone a lot more than what you'd think. The problem is that I've never before felt that it's okay to put on the brakes every now and then. I've never before felt that I've had the possibility to take care of myself the way I'm now able to do.

Certain aspects of me have emerged as of late. Things which have been hidden, submerged in darkness. So much has been kept from me all this time. Finally I've been able to let it out. Not all of it of course but it's a process, not to be rushed.

As things open up new revelations come, I can see things with more clarity now than I've ever could. I feel like I'm more and more becoming the man I've felt that I should be, but that's still a long way from here.

Thoughts

Interesting the way you some times come to think of old memories and people that more or less don't have a place in your life anymore. It's funny the way it is when people who once took up a big part of your time just don't anymore. They barely exist, you only happen to think of them whenever you stumble upon some old pictures you had almost forgotten.

I find it strange, the nostalgic feeling you get while looking at pictures with certain people. People who once had a big part in your life but now have no part of your life. You just have nothing to do with them anymore. 

Somehow you kind of miss the good things about having them in your life not really thinking too much about the bad things. I guess that's a good thing though, to have chosen to remember them by the good things they brought rather than the bad things.

I suppose that's the way most people want to be remembered, for the good things they did and for the good people they were and not by all the mistakes one made. When looking at these people I wonder, did I leave good memories behind or do they think of my faults when they think of me? 

Some things you miss and some things you don't, though I'm pretty sure things are better the way they are now compared to how things were then. I'm pretty sure we're all happier this way.

Though you can never be certain, not really.

How things change

I've been busy. I've gone through lots since the last time I wrote. As some of you may already know I'm currently living in Närpes. I'm working as a youth leader and it's great. I can't say I've ever felt so alive. So much has changed, I can't begin to explain.

The Pain of the Doctors Scalpel

It cut me, and I can still feel the blade sinking into me. I can still feel the blade cutting me. It hurt, it hurt a lot. Afterwards there felt as though there was something missing, but that felt good somehow. There was a part of me that finally left and now it is no longer controlling me. 


Though it feels good that it's gone, there are still some drawbacks in this imperfect world. I fear that understanding won't be there. I fear that as it was good to have done, there was a big sacrifice being made at the same time. A sacrifice one has to make in order to make things better. It's all a means to an end, but also it's the right thing to do. I am indeed sure this is the right thing to do.


I can really feel how there is something missing from my former self. After the operation I can feel that what was is no more. Somehow I wonder whether it was the operation itself which removed it or if it was my own mind which created the illusion by itself.


On this new narrow path I've found myself on I've come to find things difficult yet again, but this time it feels right. It's difficult, but in a completely new way. 


One does not feel alone in the dark any more. 
One does not have to be alone any more. 
One does not need to be guarded any more. 
One can once again open the gates.


Death has no dominion over me any more.

Revelation

It's been a while since it felt so good. It's been some time since I could say I have experienced true happiness. I'm not sure if it's ever felt so good inside before. These past days have been magnificent. I have come to think of lots of things, I've seen lots of things, experienced lots of things. I've come to realize that there is a place for me in this world after all. I've noticed that there is a lot I could and should do. I've made lots of progress, done things that have been very hard before.


Though there has been a lot of good, there has been put some light upon some bad things. Something I've thought about many times, over and over. Every now and then there comes these thoughts which I'd rather not have.


There's been something on my mind that I haven't wanted to confront. Something that I know I have do to something about sooner or later. I've been scared of the possible consequences of making this decision. This thing is all about me and my life. It's something I feel has limited my progress. I feel as though it is one of the factors contributing to the troubles I've had.


I need to make a change, I've understood that for a long time. I know now what needs to change. I've decided to make this change. Though I worry it might be hard.


There are things that have been trying to show themselves to me, I just haven't given them a chance. 

Potential

Sometimes I get around to thinking about myself. I think about who I was. I think about who I am. I think about who I wanted to become. I think about all the things I could do, but can't any more. I think about the progress I made, only to regress to something even more pathetic than where I started off. I look at the hopes and dreams I had and how close I was to achieving just that. I walked right into the toxic trap only to slowly fall in decline, losing almost all hope I had.

I wonder if the potential ever was there. I wonder if there still is potential or if that's just what I've been telling myself all these years to keep myself floating. I wonder if there is anyone else who sees that potential or if that's just another figment of my imagination.

There was a light, there was that one candle in the dark. I can't see the light anymore, has someone blown out the candle?

Undesirable Change

Time flies and I'm just floating, barely aware. It's getting harder and harder to keep track of time, there's no point in getting up every morning. I hit a speed bump hard and I've almost stopped. That which I want is no longer within my grasp, at least not now. 


We discovered a mistake, a big one indeed. One could say that it is more uncertain now than ever before. I'm sure there's a place for me there but I'm not sure that's what I want to do. 


I wonder, is there anything  left?

The Wanting

There are things that I want, things that I can't have. 

There are things that I want to do, things that I can't.

There are things I want to be different, but they aren't

Death is stalking him

I've had lots of thoughts these past few days, specific thoughts. Not the usual ones. 


I see how death surrounds him. It's a firm grasp. His heart bleeds. The end seems to be closing in. He closes his eyes and fears he won't open them again. 


The fear binds. It's sad how we let ourselves fall into submission. They have no real power over us, why do we keep on giving them power over us? We all know they're lead is bad for everyone.


That which is right is also hard. You know you've been on a right path but somewhere along you found the path to painful. You do what you can to inspire something good, but it is not inspiring. It doesn't inspire people. Advantage is what they take. 


There is no love for us, we need to disappear. We need to leave, this place is no longer our home. 


Time and time again I find myself saying there are no words to describe. Maybe it's not quite true, maybe there are words to describe. Only I dear not utter them. I dear not speak of such things. I dear not say what really needs to be said.


We can trust no one. Some of us don't trust anyone, others trust some. We are all in pain, we shall not wait for you anymore. You have left, never to return. Though something tells me you were never there. You never existed. It was all in our imagination. 


It's all turned now. It's all different. The red hot burning rage is no longer. It's fallen into a dark pit. It's sees ghosts. It's haunted by memories. It's lying down on the ground in the dark. Afraid there won't be any salvation. It's become pale and stiff. There is barely any signs of life in those eyes. 


Those eyes scream out in silent pain. That voice stutters along when speaking. The tongue twists in discomfort. The hands tremble in fear. 


There is no welcome any longer.

Bother

So many thoughts, so few words.


It bothers me. It bothers me more than I'd like, though it feels right that it does bother me.


I see the way things are. I see the way things were. I see the way things ought to be.


I see no future in this path.


I need to change.

Regret

I regret the things we did. 

I regret the things we didn't do. 

I regret sharing my secret. 

I regret making future plans. 

I regret not repairing it. 

I regret trusting you.

I regret not having left earlier.

I regret talking about it.

So much regret...

Anguish

It's been in me for quite some time now. I've felt how it wants to come out. Finally it has started showing itself. Finally I have a chance to let it go.

No one will see it, probably. I wouldn't want to show it. There's just no one to show it to. You might see the one half but never the other. That's just the way it is. Maybe things will change in the future, but now there's no chance.

I found myself in yet another situation in which I don't want to be. It pains me constantly. I just want the pain to stop, why can't it just stop?

It pains me to see, it pains me to hear, it pains me to feel. It's so dark, I'm having a hard time seeing the light. Apparently it's become rather shy.

At this point in time it's no secret, how I wish it was. If it was a secret I'm sure it would hurt less.

You are not there

There are no words. There are no tears to be wept. There is not much left.

We can continue pretending, or we could stop. I don't want to pretend, but so few want the truth. I keep wondering whether or not there is anyone out there who can handle the truth.

Telling anyone is more or less out of the question. There is no one I can trust. There is no one I could talk to. I'm in this alone.

That's how it feels...

Kony 2012

I really believe this is something important. You really should watch the whole thing.

Pathetic

It's been a while now since I felt it. I'm starting to forget. It's starting to disappear. It feels like "the movie" is about to end and there'll be a great revelation at the end and suddenly everything will make sense. I understand that it's not going to be the case, at least not in the manner I described it, because such things don't happen in real life. 


So much has disappeared, completely lost. It's all being wiped out, every last trace. The only remains are pathetic. It's all worthless really.


That door has been locked for a long time. The beast has been controlled. It hasn't been out in a very long time. I can sense feelings arising from here and there and none of them are pleasant ones. It's all my fault, whichever way you look at it, it's all me.


It has come to my attention that the more I understand the better I handle it. Knowing the enemy has it's benefits. It's also important to know your allies. Though the enemy might be dangerous and strong, one must always remember the allies who are behind you giving you their full support.


You can always think about what way one should have done things differently to get a more desirable result but then again you probably weren't smart enough to have come up with it yourself.


Is there anything positive left? 


Things don't change. More and more I see the same things repeat, both in others and in myself. The little pride that's left is struggling to keep the ceiling from falling down upon us. Maybe pride is the only thing keeping us from going under.


The shame never ends.

The door is open only a little, it's hard to determine whether or not it's opening or closing. The only thing that's sure is that death is still present. The black chains choke even more than before. It's bleeding due to the pressure of the chains. 


They feel threatened for they know their days are numbered.


If only I weren't so exhausted, it wouldn't show and everyone would be a lot happier, at least everyone else. That's the only thing that matters anyway.


You could never understand, because you could never care.

Insomnia

It's really become a problem. It's even worse than it was. I fear I might soon find myself back in that same spot I was a while back. I remember it fairly well. The problem is finding and maintaining sleep. I'm not having any particular thoughts before bedtime so it's not that. I don't know what exactly is causing this insomnia.


It's about four hours till I'm leaving for school and I'm not tired enough to be able to sleep. I mean I am tired but not sleepy. What a pain.


Also I hear the people coming home from the bar.

Driven Insane

Not these weeks have passed. Christmas isn't for roughly another 11 month's. It's a new year. I'm still the same. For me there haven't been any changes. I'm still just as tired as I was before. Though we have had a long break I don't feel like ever having the possibility to truly relax. 


I've been alone for far too long. Haven't had enough contact with people. I've felt really isolated. A miserable couple of weeks. I'm not saying that there hasn't been these nice moments in time during these weeks, I'm just saying they don't compensate for all the unwanted alone time.  


I waited for so long for this only to end up without the benefits.

Within these walls