Risk

I simply don't think that I'm worth the bother. I feel as though any confrontation would be like shooting myself in the foot. I believe that if I were to open my mouth it would be the end of it and I would simply lose. I'd rather hold on to this mediocre situation than to risk losing it altogether. 

Perhaps it's just me having little faith. I would really like to be proven wrong. 

There's a lot that never gets out. There are a lot of things that I held back that I now feel like letting out. Problem is that there's no one I trust enough. I can't let anyone see. It would be so out of character. I see no positive outcome. I could only anticipate increased distance.

Why does it feel so wrong to ever expect anything from anyone else?

Progress

I've found laughter. I laugh a lot more than I used to. I'm not sure if I've ever laughed as much as I am now. It's such a freedom to have a genuine laugh every now and then. My addictive cravings have decreased. I'm more productive than I used to be. I'm finding myself in a more comfortable place with myself. 

I think those words are essential in this part of the path. It's a question to which I need to find the answer. It all reminds me of the fact that we need others in our lives. We need people with more experience because they can help. We need people with less experience because we can help them. There are those bonds which are important to have. 

Tranquility

When you just know it's right. You can just feel the freedom, the peace. I've had a very tranquil day. Once again I get to touch joy. I once again feel how I get to drink the water of life, my cup overflows. 

The presence. The warmth. The security.  

The conversations we had were so good. They were needed and appreciated. We seemed to touch truth. 

One can only be thankful, thankful for days like these. Days like these are so precious. Never forget to be thankful.

Inconsistent behaviour

There's a lot of things that don't make sense. So much of the pieces that didn't fit. I saw it, time and time again, yet I didn't react. Words and actions seemed to give me completely different messages. I noticed, I refused to listen to the voice. The fact that I could have done something about it bothers me. I don't have any excuses as to why I let myself go through all of these unnecessary emotions. I knew it wasn't right, still I let it drag on. Once again I put myself through something which only broke me down. The longer it went on the more ashamed of myself I became. The longer I sat there the more pathetic I felt. 

Those words sunk in. Every now and then I can hear them like an echo in my head. Those words were important for me to hear. I came out of my daze. It restored my confidence, some self-esteem too. Those words are something I need to keep with me, probably something I need to be reminded of every now and then. 

Growth

I'm moving at such speeds I'm having a hard time keeping up. Mostly I just have to have faith, faith that I'll land on the right spot. Something which is beyond my control. This whirlwind is something quite unfamiliar to me. I distanced myself from it for so long I'm still adjusting, after all this time. The world looks different now than it did before. Before I can embrace it we need to get out of this.

New insight has been given to me these past few days. The mortality that presented itself to me caused growth. There is time for rest, rest is important. As we sleep our brains process everything that's happened during the day, perhaps what I feel is the need to "sleep" in order to process everything that I've learned lately. 

I've been thinking about travelling. Perhaps what I really need is to leave for a while and focus on that which is important and leave everything else behind, temporarily at least. Not be held back by everyday life and obligations.

A lot of my thoughts throughout the years have circled these things. Something tells me this is the old t-shirt that should be thrown away, left behind and forgotten. I think back to that dream I had,  perhaps this was what it really meant. Because of the situation I was in left me blind to the truth which clearly was right before me. There was a long period in which I felt as though I couldn't see clearly, as if there was this fog. As I'm writing this it feels as though that which has clouded my mind is clearing out. My mind is being cleared of the dirt. The soil is once again becoming fertile, the plant can now grow without unhealthy restraint.

Walking this path isn't easy, but it doesn't really matter when you're not alone.

Disappointment

I can really only say that I'm very disappointed. The only thing it left is disappointment. There's nothing to do, just wait for the feeling to pass. Soon I'll turn this into something useful. 

Ease

I've been looking at it all wrong. There aren't a lot of different paths I need to take. All these different pieces are part of the same path. There is only the one road I need to take. We're just going to take one thing at a time. We need to take them more as they come. I'm sure we'll get to everything eventually. 

Patience is key.

Revelations

I keep thinking that I ought to have written it down. I decided to discard it but it hasn't quite left my mind since. The whole setting was so familiar.