Transparency

Throughout the years I've been very hidden. A friend once told me it was like I was hiding behind a glass wall. I showed you whatever I wanted you to see but you could never really get to me. It was impossible for you to figure me out. What started off as a natural defence turned into my curse. I never realised how intoxicated I was by the power and control I had over what I showed and to whom. I never wanted to admit how manipulative I was doing and showing things that would lead you to believe one thing when I knew the truth.

Lately I've seen just how much of this behaviour was still left. I look back and see how come it has been so difficult. I see the source of my loneliness. Once a well meaning friend suggested I break down that glass wall and the thought of it scared me. Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to surrender my strength and be transparent and vulnerable? Was my friend crazy?

I recoiled and said that there was no way I would do something like that. It felt like doing that would lead to death. Now I've seen the value of opening up and being vulnerable. The pain of opening and being completely transparent was one of the hardest things I ever did. As I began to speak it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I felt vulnerable and that was scary. I never used to let myself feel vulnerable.

As I opened up and shared what was inside something in the atmosphere broke. It's like I heard a big crash. I looked up and saw how the darkness had broken and light was pushing through. It was like my heart had felt warmth like never before that day. I've seen how being transparent has opened up for others as well. Not only do I share my inner thoughts and receive recognition and love but my friends also get the opportunity to share what's on their hearts and that is what draws us close to each other.

I have seen what isolation has done in my life. I have heard countless times of how people have isolated themselves and how that never turns out to be a good thing. I have seen how important it is to be honest with each other and let other people in, for real. It's when we're isolated we're truly vulnerable and that's when we're taken out.

The Pride of my Youth

The thing that came up for me the other day is the way I've been limited by the things I used to say. I look back and can't help but to cringe at the pride in those words. I look at how I felt like I can't really change the way I was changing because I was becoming a different person to who I was when I uttered those words. The older I got the more I understood the foolishness of those words and how I need to stop limiting myself based on who I was and embrace who I am.

I'm not at all where I used to be. My life is no longer covered in darkness. I have a brand new outlook on life and I am so much happier because of it. At first I didn't want to admit that I had changed even though it was becoming increasingly apparent. 

I have found a new life

Nostalgia

In an instant things went back to the way they used to be. I was pleasantly surprised. It had been years I just didn't want to let go. Will things ever go back to the way they were or was this just a one time thing? Who knows? I don't

Entering a new family

There's so much going on in my head I don't really know what to write. One thing is for certain is that it's not as easy as I had anticipated. Knowing that your contribution is very important and you haven't yet quite grasped what's expected of you. As I stood in the kitchen looking around me processing everything a strong emotion approached me. I looked at the drawing on the fridge and tried to understand. My heart was filled with sorrow. It broke my heart. The drawing tells a tale of what has transpired. 

I've only been here for a few days and already I've taken in so much, learned so much, thought about so much. I just want to snap my fingers and make it all go away. I just want to remove all the stress. It feels like the most essential thing just isn't as present as it should be, but I can tell that it's there. It's just that the situation is tight. I want to be better. I want to do more. I want to help.

I can't help but to think about others people in this same situation. How do they handle it? Knowing how common it is makes a scary reality. I don't get how people do it. Also it's a reminder of why we see the things we see.

I'm just wondering if I actually can make a difference or not. Am I going to be of help or will I end up being more of a burden? Of course I can make a difference! That's why I'm here. I'm here to help. At the same time I realise I can't do it by myself. Thankfully I'm not alone either.

A New Beginning

I guess you could say life is quite exciting at the moment. Everything is new and it's a lot to take in. It's no problem though. It won't take long till I'm settled in. I'm looking forward to exploring. I'm looking forward to going into these deep discussions. I'm looking forward to making a difference. I feel called. I know this is where I need to be right now. My mission. I will learn a lot. I am grateful.

An Unfamiliar Sense of Welcome

It's something strange. I can't say I've ever really experienced it before. It's refreshing. Never before have I ever been in a place that has made me feel so much at home. It really is amazing. Being rootless I have never really known what it feels like to be home. I get a sense of acceptance that's different from that of friends, something that goes deeper. Suddenly the whole concept of family gets a deeper meaning. For years I never had what I see others have, only now can I get a proper taste of what it's like. Things aren't perfect but they are what they need to be. 

It's hard to put words on the love I feel. Sometimes it feels like you can't truly express those really intense emotions. You always feel like there's more you could do. You keep on doing everything you can but still there's more you can do. But that's the beauty of it, you are never really finished. There's always more to do and what you've already done is always enough. 

It's interesting how you can basically go anywhere and still find brothers and sisters. The fellowship seems to have no boundaries. That's the way it's supposed to be. We aren't limited by borders. The genuine love expressed to strangers, but they're never really strangers for they are our brothers and sisters. It's amazing being a part of such a family. 

Despite the whirlpool of emotions there's peace at the center of it all.

The Promise

The train brought me back, back to something I felt becoming relevant again. Somehow it seemed like that's what it all meant. I don't care about the circumstances. A promise has been made. There's nothing to fear. 

Look up, I'm safe.