Another one....

I had another strange dream tonight. But this one wasn't bad it was just strange. Why do I have these strange dreams ? Recently I've started to have a lot of dreams. Not many that I remember but I remember having them. I wonder why ?

Weird dreams…

I just had one of the strangest dreams in a very long time. I didn't like it at all...

Unpleasant the whole way through. Disaster upon disaster. Even more broken up inside…

Recent Thoughts

Yesterday was a really exhausting day. Started off bad by oversleeping. After geography which is one of my non-enjoyable lessons we had quire-practice which was great fun only for one detail that kept me alert. After quire I was really hungry so I rushed for food. During and after my meal I noticed that something wasn't right. And after one of those stupid questions that really means " tell me what's wrong " my suspicions were confirmed. The whole rest of the day was waiting for a phone call and pondering over the days event. Later I went to Jacks and read a bit on psychology. But because of my last night I was too tired to either read or be any kind of company. A few moments before my I decided to get going and get some sleep in place of what I missed and then I got the phone call I was waiting for.

Shortly after arriving home I decided to make a phone call before going to bed. It was meant to be one of those 5 minute calls but turned out to be an almost 3 hour phone call, which was quite nice as well. Even though I needed my sleep it felt good. Got a great conversation going and we covered a lot of ground. Personally I prefer to talk face-to-face but still it was nice just the way it was. The conversation would probably never have taken place face-to-face which is a bit of a disappointment for me but one shouldn't ask for too much.

Last night I had a lot of strange dreams. Dreams which I can't recall anymore. But still I had a good nights sleep even though I was a few hours shorter then intended. But it was still a "normal" nights sleep. I woke up of the phone ringing and after a while got up and took a shower. I got to school just in time to get my whole breakfast eaten. I would've liked to get the time to eat more than I did but I managed on what I ate. We had drama the first lesson and after drama I had a whole in my schedule which was really great since I got the time to study for the upcoming psychology test. After food we had our test and I wrote 5 1/2 pages of answers. I'm not really pleased with my effort though. I feel as though I could've written better answers had I only the time. After psychology we had the principal with whom we went through what we needed to know till next weeks test. After that we ate and me and W went to my place to spend some time together which was cut short by reality. I needed to get going for maths.

Maths class went by quite fast so that felt nice. I then realized that I needed to buy some milk and some breakfast for the weekend and so I did.

I felt this urge to call V. Meanwhile I was in City Market I called V and caught up on the weeks events and life. We had a good long conversation. By the time we were finished with our conversation I was already home.

It's just great !

It seems as though I've stumbled upon a time in my life where everything changes. My whole life situation has changed dramatically. I'm generally happy with my life. There are yet many things to improve but I'm still happy with it as it is. Right now I feel as though anything could be fixed. There's nothing really able to ruin what I have. Or that's how it feels but the pessimist inside tells me not to be to confident about that. It's the internal struggle that I always have to live with.

I seem to have found exactly what I need. In some way so small but yet so great at the same time. A bit hard to explain. It feels as though it shouldn't make all that big difference but somehow it makes a bigger difference than what would have been expected. But lately many of my expectations have been exceeded in various ways. Even though everything hasn't been all well it has been fixed. It all feels very nice.

I still can't really understand my feelings. I think I could but somehow it's like if I don't really want to. Subconsciously I'm probably avoiding the understanding of the whole yolk. But I'm still holding back, as if there is a lot more I could do but I haven't really found my calling. I believe that there is something that should be done but I just can't put my finger on what it is. I do have an idea but I don't know how to do it. And the reason is I have no authority which would be needed, no proper contacts that could help in any way and I'm probably too young for anyone to listen to. Problems of todays thinkers, one might find a great solution but the trick is to make people listen.

Unsettling Feelings

I just can't shake this, unpleasant feeling I have. It just feels strange. It feels wrong. It isn't quite right. Not really. Not speaking of just one single event. Not only one subject. Life is strange. You always come across unexpected things. Things that make you question things in your life, if they truly are as they would seem or if they are in fact something else. Things that might disgust you a bit. Things of all kinds.

Recent thoughts have led me to one unasked question which needs answering. One of those questions you wouldn't want to ask. Not really. Because certain things become more obvious when a question such as the one I have in mind is asked. Things that you wouldn't want to be there. Those things you wish would just disappear for if they were to be gone ones life would be easier. But it is something that needs to be asked for if not then I will be haunted by my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder, is true happiness something that's even possible to attain.

A recent question made a very unpleasant feeling emerge. I don't know if it was the seriousness of the question or if what was asked just made me disgusted. Previous times when the same question was made I thought of it as a joke and joked back and never really thought it was something serious. At times it made me a bit uncomfortable but still I just joked around not taking it seriously. It made me unsure of things. I heard rumours and such but I thought of them as only rumours. Never really wanted it to be true and defeding this person. Then I asked a question to understand the past. I got an answer and the question was redirected to me. I thought it be obvious but since the question was made towards me it probably wasn't. I asked why it was wanted to begin with, but the real reason wasn't known. At least it wasn't at the surface. But the whole thing made me a bit disgusted. I don't mean to be bad against this person but this is how I feel. Even the thought of it feels wrong.

After a short little talk most of all the worries and such went away, one again feeling just the way it should. I'm happy and very grateful. It seems as though I have found what I'm looking for.

sad but true

This whole ordeal started of with a simple event. As many ordeals do. That short moment turned everything around. Everything changed. I cannot in any way deny how bad and wrong it felt. It triggered everything I've so hard tried to suppress. All these negative feelings, thoughts, insecurities coming back to the surface to haunt me once again. This not only effects me as I would wish, but those in my surroundings too. Directly having an impact on that which is most precious to me.

Since that moment I haven't been able to help but to feel uneasy about everything. A deep unsettling feeling about everything going on. Not being able to think clearly. I feel as though I'm losing control of everything again. Falling back to where I was. All the effort put into it, all in vain ?

This just breaks me beyond my understanding. How can these things make such an impact on me always ? There's no logic to it. Am I just too broken to keep from feeling this way for any lent of time ? So it would seem, what a depressing thought. This morning I felt as though everything was okay, but as the day progressed I once again got smacked right in the face of just that feeling. And not only that, a short exchange of words just made everything just that extra bit worse. But that was my fault. I should of seen it coming as it always does. Too bad it never takes root in any other way than the worst possible.

I really do hate myself at times like these…