The Philippines

So here I am, in the Philippines, in the heat. Much has happened. I've seen a completely new world out here. People who think completely differently from how we do. I haven't really gotten too close to to people here. I haven't really felt like getting to know them.. It's not that it's anything wrong with them but I just prefer to keep my distance and a bit more to myself. Even in the team I keep a bit to myself. I'm not really a part of the team, I'm just there with them.

Here I'm not treated like the others. People would go like "hey, americanos" to the others but they wouldn't really care about me. So I feel quite left out. But what can I do? Being brown has it's consequences.

I don't quite know how to react to the fact that people around me seem to have little faith in me. How some may "panic" at the thought of teaming up with me when going out and doing missionary work. I don't understand how it could be so dangerous? But I guess I'm just not that trustworthy in peoples eyes.

I really feel the need to speak with someone but I don't know who that would be. I don't know the team well enough to share my thoughts with them.

Some people are so locked down in their own way of doing things they leave no place for change. And when others do differently they get irritated. What's the big deal?

I'm surprised at the level of complaining and the number of insignificant thing there seems to be to complain about. No wonder people in scandinavia are so depressed. If everyone complains about everything all the time of course there's no room for happiness. I think the world needs to lighten up. Why complain about every little thing that isn't comfortable. I feel this is one of the big reasons people are sad and miserable. Because they focus on everything that's wrong. Compared to here I feel people should just keep quiet about all of their endless problems and think more about others. Is it not in others we find happiness in the end? People are so self-centered.

But I guess it's only me who tries to be optimistic, or so it seems anyway. Anyone out there to prove me wrong? (it's not a rhetorical question, it's meant to be answered)

I've seen things happen that I've never before witnessed. People regaining hearing after we've prayed for them. Since we came here I've felt this strange energy from within me. An energy which I can only describe as white. When I close my eyes and focus on it I imagine it. I see how this white essence flow through people and driving away the darkness within. It's really an experience.

I know that when I come home my problems will still be there waiting for me. I don't think anything will have changed after this holiday. I expect to come home to the same situations. The thing is I still don't know what to do, I have yet to be enlightened. How does one solve a problem such as this? It would be easier if people were willing to listen and act. All they seem to do is listen, if even that. I have no influence there.

It's hard keeping relationships alive. I mean those that really have a difference in life. I have to say my relationships have more or less died out. Where in the world will I find the motivation to revive them and then keep them alive? It would surely be something I would have to to by my self. Like most things. People aren't really there for me. So it's hard for me keeping them close. I'm still always there for them, in hope there will be a change. But I'm doubtful. I'm not that important. People won't do anything for me, why would they?

Also there's no telling people about my feeling since they only get hurt by the fact you don't completely like everything they do and that you think they're doing things that only hurt themselves and others around them. Most of these people can't take such feedback. I feel like I'm not able to be honest so it's better if I say nothing at all.

Now how's that for existence?

Hurt

Broken relationships hurt... a lot...

Communication

Communication on my end doesn't seem to work. Either people are just stupid or it's just me having a way with words that make people believe things I never really meant in the first place. My casual thought stream seems to make people around me believe I'm trying to send a specific message and that there's a special agenda I have because I'm saying anything at all.

I think it's more me than others. That I'm the real reason why people get me wrong. But what should I do really? The easiest would be to just not share my thoughts with people but where's the fun in that? If one can't share his thoughts with others then where should he then let them out? I mean sitting on one's own thoughts only make life difficult. I think it's very unhealthy to bottle up things like that. But then again who knows? Maybe I'd be just better off not having my casual thoughts made public to my friends. It just seems to go wrong anyways. This is yet another casual thought but I can only expect it to be received just as another one of those things that is meant to send a message.

Truth is I publish my thoughts relevant to my life. But people tend to think I mean something special. I do admit some things have been written so that certain people would read and possibly understand. But that's it. Just to understand. I don't expect much else than people trying to understand. But I guess I'm hard to understand. The reason to this is still quite unclear to me. It's like half of the things I say are perceived in a wrong manner. Or do I just say them completely wrong? Or maybe it's just that people just don't believe that I simply mean what I say and don't have anything hidden between the lines?

I'm just not that good at communicating as I'd like to think.

Mind food

I just got my mind food. Something which I've been missing. Gone through some real deep stuff. Spoken about life and people in a completely different manner than I usually do. I think we've realized some real truths, or at least I have. Feels like ages since my mind was stimulated in such a matter. It feels like a step up.

With this I realized within myself how I've slowly but surely glided towards the easier path. From once being a dedicated thinker I've strode closer and closer towards the path of the egocentric. My thoughts have more or less been kept to myself. My world has shrunk significantly as of late.

Lifted weights

This weekend was something I really needed. Away from life as I know it. Isolated in an cold cocoon surrounded by friends. It's been along time since I've done anything of the sorts. Long time since I actually did anything with friends. It's been something else than the normal half-conversations I've been having as of late. Not the same meaningless wasting of time which doesn't make anything feel better. Certain things have been nice but they've only had trivial changes in my life. Just wasting time on meaningless complaining about things we cannot change. In the end it doesn't really matter. It will never change. Things will forever be of the same nature only different places and different times. So why complain about the inevitable future? There will always be thing to do. There will always be a lot going on. There will always be a need to prioritize and leave somethings behind. One has to learn to decide what is truly important and do what one can to keep it close and not let go. But I guess that's kind of what's happened. Only that the words and actions don't match.

When being away like this I felt life. As if it was something I haven't experienced in a long time. It was as if a great weight had been lifted. There was a sense of purpose in being there. We were doing stuff that I felt had meaning. Something concrete that I truly will have use for now and in the future. A constructive way of communicating without any complications. We learned stuff about each other. I was more direct and honest than I've been able to be in a long time. It felt nice, having a group of people who you feel you could share such things with. Of course there are a lot of things which I left out. But there where these few things that I wouldn't have been as open with as in normal circumstances.

Maybe there never was a weight that was lifted. Maybe the weight wasn't lifted but shared? Maybe I only felt a lighter weight because it was one that I had now been able to share like never before?

I look forward to going to the Philippines. I think that will do me good. Not only for practical reasons but spiritually as well. I think it will give time for my soul to mend it's wounds and scars. I believe that this trip will be life changing. There will be a rejuvenation me as a whole. Both body and spirit.

Lovely times

Yesterday was great crack. Haven't really had so much fun in a while it seems. Making new acquaintances, just having relaxed conversation with no need of any thought to the matter. I wonder why these feelings arise so seldom. Is it because I may hold these things at bay? Like if I don't welcome these situations usually. But then I don't find that to be true. I'm usually welcoming to things that I find nice and fulfilling. Do those things even present themselves at all anymore? How come I've become so picky? It's like I'm there and I could enjoy many moments just like the ones yesterday but still can't find myself to enjoy it.

Under which circumstances am I able to enjoy myself? What's so different from everyday and yesterday? I can only find one solid reason. But can it really matter that much? Personally I think it's silly. This whole problem. There shouldn't be any reason to these feelings. It's just plain stupid. But I guess that's just what the psyche is, just plain stupid and irrational. Why can't I just adjust to the situation like any other? Usually I'd have no problem adjusting. Why do I have problems now?

New Family Member

So it seems our family tree once again has expanded. I have not yet met this nameless lass but I'm looking forward to it.