Just like that

My prediction came through. The dream I had became reality. That's the way it seems. Vanishing right in front of me with only a familiar fragrance left behind.

After the long drive home the answer came clear to me. A few reminders of what had been I saw what I wanted to come. The way I wanted things to be. I saw exactly how I thought things should be.

Having a clear perception of what one wants can be good some times, I suppose. But can it really help me now?

Life & Death

This is a time in life where I feel the absolute most alive, yet it is also the time in which I think most about death. I have many times thought of different scenarios where I meet the end of this life. Dreams have made me wonder if I'm up for a big change. I wonder if my own little world might shift sometime soon.

Last night as I lay awake in thought i wondered: "Am I capable of happiness?". I've always experienced this small doses of happiness at different points in life when something specific has happened. When I go through my everyday life I feel as though the concept of happiness is so unfamiliar, as if it were something that simply didn't fit in to it. Now this doesn't mean I'm especially unhappy. It just means that I don't really concider happiness to be all that important in my life. I am, on the other hand, keen on other peoples happiness. I want others to be happy.

The feeling of love is foreign to me as well. I do not wish it to be that way, but yet it is. Some times I wonder if I'd be better of giving up on love. What stops me from giving it up is the knowledge of what I might become if I left it behind me. Loving gives me too much, loving gives others too much and that would all disappear. That I do not want.

Dreams and Nightmares

Recently I've had a lot of dreams. Some pleasant, some not so pleasant. Last night I couldn't sleep because there where these specific thoughts running around in my head. After thinking about these things I also dreamt something related.

Last nights round of confessions felt good. It felt good having it said. Also it enabled me to accept some facts and move on. Life can really make you mad sometimes.

So it seems there are more rumors going round. Recently I heard a few more of them. Can't say I'm too happy about it. My decision had nothing to do with what people believe and things are not what they may seem. Just to get that clear.

Rumors

It's fun the way you didn't know things about yourself before, but then you hear it from someone else. So yesterday I spoke with some friends who were wondering if these rumors were true. So I ask them what rumors they were on about. So then I learn something about my life which I didn't know earlier. Life can be interesting that way.

But then again I'm not surprised at that rumor either. It was anticipated in one way or another. I know how it looks.

Suspence

Interesting choice of words. Interesting suggestions. As if it was a well-known fact, but the game rules are that no one is to speak of it. I've noticed these small hints, these small attempts to reveal something. I don't know what to think of this. This topic sure is interesting. Nobody even remotely involved seems to think otherwise.

The choice of words and the suggesting conversations have really got me thinking. It feels as though I should do something about this. Then there is this feeling of expectation. I am expected to do something about this whole situation. Is it really me who should be doing something or is it someone else? After asking myself this question the answer is fairly simple. Who else could I expect to do anything about it? I mean is there really anyone else who can?

Some rather amusing things have come up recently. The question is: Was it something that had always beem or was it something that had been added? I have reason to believe somethings have been amplified upon recent decisions. Though it may be somewhat concerning, I still have this strong feeling of guidence. I never really feel alone.

I give off hints here and there and give subconscious clues as to what is going on inside this head of mine. I wonder if they are going through or if they simply pass by like most of the clues I give. 

Since when did life become so.... exciting?

Reawakening

Sometime's your just right to think certain thoughts and expect to experience certain things. Somehow I wasn't at all surprised, as if I would have known what was waiting. Maybe it was the real reason I actually made my decision. Maybe it simply was a mistake, but to my benefit. Something's cam unexpectadly but it could just have been the circumstances. It's interesting.

A few discoveries were made. I could clearly see some things going on. I can't help but to feel guilty about it. As though I might be the one at fault. Maybe there is a conversation to be had. The way things are at the moment, I should probably wait a bit for this conversation. I have to be more sure of the facts before I proceed. This situation is a bit tricky because it was something I hadn't expected to happen. I never expected to find myself in this kind of situation. It's been such a long time since I had anything to do with this kind of thing that I'm unsure of what to o next. My past experiences tell me that there is that conversation to be had before I continue exploring.

All this is in a strange way very exciting. I feel so alive.

Hard decisions and great changes

My life has changed drastically to say the least. Some things which have had to be dealt with. Challenges on a whole different scale. Some valuable things have been discovered also. The path is once again found. Light has once again penetrated my eyes.Clarity presented itself after all this time. New energy and a new focus has been found. The once impossible feels very possible.

I seem to have found something which I had once lost. Something I've grown to be unfamiliar with. Something very reassuring. This summer has givven me a lot of time to think. These few experiences have thought me a lot. They reminded me of that which has been missing.

Finding your way back to yourself and that which you were meant to do feels great. It's like if I had become a new person. Or maybe more of myself decided to come alive once again, or maybe even for the first time? Words can't describe my experiences. These experiences are like nothing in this world. These experiences are not of this world.