Unlife

I'm fed up with this. I do not want this. This was something I never wanted. Something I never agreed to. This is not how life should be. 

I'm tired, so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of this life, the life that I have now. 

This is not life, this is survival. This is not about living, this is about staying alive.

I see this clear image of things getting out of hand. That the beast no longer is contained. Havoc is spread across the building. A brutal unleash of it all. Pain and suffering surrounds the area. We are all traumatized by the incident. Everyone are terrified by what now had become a monster.

Choices

I often think about my choices. The choices that I made, the choices I never did, what I chose, what I didn't choose. I wonder time and time again if I've made the right choices. I wonder many times if I should have chosen differently, but what would I have lost if I would have chosen something else?

In many ways I feel like I should have chosen a different way, but where would I have ended up then? I wonder if the choice I made was worth it. If everything I got out of it turned out to be more good than bad.

I know that I don't want this. I don't want to live like this. I need to leave this all behind me. I need to end this chapter. Sadly it's a matter of time before I can do so. I have decided to finish this chapter and not just abandon it. Still I'm not sure if that is the right decision. The question is just, where would I go? What would I loose?

Life has left. There seems to be little to none left behind. I suppose this is what has been felt by those before me. I'm fed up. The life has been sucked right out. What I'd really want to do is just go somewhere, away from all this here. Some distance would be good.

Emotional fluctuations

Simple situations can drastically change the mood of a group. One can very quickly change from happy to sad, calm to angry with only the mention of certain subjects.

Danger

I've been making that hard decision several times lately. I've put myself in a strange position in order to have hope for the future. To fix that which is broken. It seems like it is as it was said. Still I doubt the situation will be fully restored to what it once was, but I might be wrong.

I can't really tell you what I feel. That which is behind the wall showed itself, just a little, but still too much. That which was shown should have been kept behind the invisible veil. I don't know if anyone noticed the slip, I sure did.

These small slips have become more and more frequent. I worry that the cage won't hold. I don't know what would happen if the cage failed to contain it.

Loss

I've many times thought of killing you. But I've decided not to. Just because it isn't who I am. Or maybe who I was. The punishment is rather severe. You're practically dead to me anyway so maybe it doesn't make a difference. Only difference would be me leaving it all behind.

Either way, you are still gone

The Solitary Road

Moments of charade, the deeply hidden anger, the loneliness of my ways and a strange satisfaction.

The road I travel is one of loneliness. I have many times wondered if there is anyone else on this road. Why do I never meet anyone else in that case? Probably because they all stay hidden. They probably have great reasons to why they would hide. I've always thought that I have had great reasons for me hiding within myself behind my transparent wall. You can see me and be very close but you could never touch me, unless I let you. Every now and then I've let people come and touch me, people I have felt that I could trust. But at the moment there is no one with that privilege.

I have shut out everyone from the depths of that which is the inner me. I've brought everyone much closer to my outer me. I am still the lonely one of the crowd but it doesn't bother me as much as it did. I've been able to accept this change, more or less.

I can't say I'm happy with it, but it doesn't make me unhappy either. It's just the way it is now. No reason to complain about that. More sides of me have come forth. Those are sides of denial. Others do not see them for what they are. Looks can and mostly are deceiving. Few people care to look into it even though they must know.

There was the question and there was the following question. As I answered I realized I was being analyzed. There was an underlying question. I must have answered it with only the way I looked back into those gazing eyes. There's still a chance that the information wasn't revealed to the person. One can never be certain.

The quality of my sleep hasn't been the greatest lately. There's no apparent reason.

Beneath the surface

There is something brewing. Something is happening inside. It is getting more and more difficult to contain. It's a lot harder to control than before. I wonder if it has gained strength or if it is I who has lost mine. Sometimes I think it might just be me not wanting to hold on as tightly as before.

The walls are being fortified and becoming less transparent.

The burning inferno and the masquerade, it's all a secret life.