Thoughts

Interesting the way you some times come to think of old memories and people that more or less don't have a place in your life anymore. It's funny the way it is when people who once took up a big part of your time just don't anymore. They barely exist, you only happen to think of them whenever you stumble upon some old pictures you had almost forgotten.

I find it strange, the nostalgic feeling you get while looking at pictures with certain people. People who once had a big part in your life but now have no part of your life. You just have nothing to do with them anymore. 

Somehow you kind of miss the good things about having them in your life not really thinking too much about the bad things. I guess that's a good thing though, to have chosen to remember them by the good things they brought rather than the bad things.

I suppose that's the way most people want to be remembered, for the good things they did and for the good people they were and not by all the mistakes one made. When looking at these people I wonder, did I leave good memories behind or do they think of my faults when they think of me? 

Some things you miss and some things you don't, though I'm pretty sure things are better the way they are now compared to how things were then. I'm pretty sure we're all happier this way.

Though you can never be certain, not really.

How things change

I've been busy. I've gone through lots since the last time I wrote. As some of you may already know I'm currently living in Närpes. I'm working as a youth leader and it's great. I can't say I've ever felt so alive. So much has changed, I can't begin to explain.

The Pain of the Doctors Scalpel

It cut me, and I can still feel the blade sinking into me. I can still feel the blade cutting me. It hurt, it hurt a lot. Afterwards there felt as though there was something missing, but that felt good somehow. There was a part of me that finally left and now it is no longer controlling me. 


Though it feels good that it's gone, there are still some drawbacks in this imperfect world. I fear that understanding won't be there. I fear that as it was good to have done, there was a big sacrifice being made at the same time. A sacrifice one has to make in order to make things better. It's all a means to an end, but also it's the right thing to do. I am indeed sure this is the right thing to do.


I can really feel how there is something missing from my former self. After the operation I can feel that what was is no more. Somehow I wonder whether it was the operation itself which removed it or if it was my own mind which created the illusion by itself.


On this new narrow path I've found myself on I've come to find things difficult yet again, but this time it feels right. It's difficult, but in a completely new way. 


One does not feel alone in the dark any more. 
One does not have to be alone any more. 
One does not need to be guarded any more. 
One can once again open the gates.


Death has no dominion over me any more.

Revelation

It's been a while since it felt so good. It's been some time since I could say I have experienced true happiness. I'm not sure if it's ever felt so good inside before. These past days have been magnificent. I have come to think of lots of things, I've seen lots of things, experienced lots of things. I've come to realize that there is a place for me in this world after all. I've noticed that there is a lot I could and should do. I've made lots of progress, done things that have been very hard before.


Though there has been a lot of good, there has been put some light upon some bad things. Something I've thought about many times, over and over. Every now and then there comes these thoughts which I'd rather not have.


There's been something on my mind that I haven't wanted to confront. Something that I know I have do to something about sooner or later. I've been scared of the possible consequences of making this decision. This thing is all about me and my life. It's something I feel has limited my progress. I feel as though it is one of the factors contributing to the troubles I've had.


I need to make a change, I've understood that for a long time. I know now what needs to change. I've decided to make this change. Though I worry it might be hard.


There are things that have been trying to show themselves to me, I just haven't given them a chance. 

Potential

Sometimes I get around to thinking about myself. I think about who I was. I think about who I am. I think about who I wanted to become. I think about all the things I could do, but can't any more. I think about the progress I made, only to regress to something even more pathetic than where I started off. I look at the hopes and dreams I had and how close I was to achieving just that. I walked right into the toxic trap only to slowly fall in decline, losing almost all hope I had.

I wonder if the potential ever was there. I wonder if there still is potential or if that's just what I've been telling myself all these years to keep myself floating. I wonder if there is anyone else who sees that potential or if that's just another figment of my imagination.

There was a light, there was that one candle in the dark. I can't see the light anymore, has someone blown out the candle?

Undesirable Change

Time flies and I'm just floating, barely aware. It's getting harder and harder to keep track of time, there's no point in getting up every morning. I hit a speed bump hard and I've almost stopped. That which I want is no longer within my grasp, at least not now. 


We discovered a mistake, a big one indeed. One could say that it is more uncertain now than ever before. I'm sure there's a place for me there but I'm not sure that's what I want to do. 


I wonder, is there anything  left?

The Wanting

There are things that I want, things that I can't have. 

There are things that I want to do, things that I can't.

There are things I want to be different, but they aren't