Trauma

I made a new realisation last night. Something that's been with me since I can remember. I just wonder why? What in my past made me bring it with me. As I thought about it an image popped up in my head. An old memory. The memory tends to pop up every now and then. 

I can still remember the feeling. I can still feel the trembling. I can still see the fear. 

This happened more than once.

The Road Ahead

I wouldn't look for something new, how could I? I know that it would only be to fill a space, but why would I want that? I know that the situation would only end up the same. Right now that would only cause everybody pain.

Even though I believe it was the best thing to do I'm still in grief. I'm sure the other part feels it too. It is said that if you love something you sometimes have to let it go, well I think that applies to this situation. It's not easy, I knew it wouldn't be. Love isn't always easy. Love isn't always what you want it to be.

Sometimes love means giving something up for the better of someone else, even though it mightn't be the most pleasant thing to do. Doing the right thing isn't always the easiest. I mean if the right thing always was the easiest then life would be so much simpler, but it isn't.

Still I keep thinking whether or not we we're in a hurry with the decision making. I keep thinking if there was anyway to change the situation into one that would work. I keep wondering if I should have thought about it more. I keep thinking that I should have tried harder.

Then again I'm pretty sure these are the kinds of thoughts one has if they make a life-changing decision and has not yet experienced the consequences properly. I'm sure time will tell us.

Where exactly to go on from here is unclear. Maybe I have to wait for the fog to settle before I can look forward. Right now I have to watch my step and slow down.

Strange Change

Change is strange. Sometimes you don't really know how to react or how to cope. Part of me is sad yet another part of me is relieved. There were tears, but I suppose that's a good thing. I didn't really expect it to go so well, but then again the other side is a good one. As far as I can tell this has been the most successful confrontation in my life, though time will tell if I'm right. Things probably have to sink in before we draw to conclusions. Still, I'm pretty confident.

Things don't necessarily have to end, just change. The change will be good, for everyone I think. As I reached my limits I knew things had to change. I could not live with the situation as it was. These new circumstances will probably make everything easier.

A lot of what was, remains. Hopefully that won't change. Some aspects of this change is unpleasant to think about, but things which must be accepted when the time comes.

Time will heal all wounds. I think of these recent wounds as clean ones, therefore they won't get infected.

Love is a complicated thing. It isn't as straightforward, all the time, as one would wish. It never left, but couldn't stay in the shape it was. The love is still there, trust me.

This

I've had a lot of thoughts about it lately. What I'm doing, what I want to do, what I should do and so on. So I guess things are pretty much as they usually are, only now things seem more complicated than they usually are. So many things to take into account. So many things which tell me different things. I know things will never be the way I imagined them. Not as seems now anyway. I just don't see that possibility, I suppose that might be good or bad. Then there's the important factor I never really took into account that still influences me constantly. The whole reason this is something to think about in the first place.

I have come to love it here. I am really happy about having these opportunities. I'm wondering if this was that which I felt for all these years. If this was that which would fill that void that never could get filled. I suppose it's the completely new ingredients in my life.

I see it.    

Emancipation

I had a dream the other night. I found it peculiar, different from most others. I had a sense of unease when I woke up and I had this thought that there was someone I needed to confront. I decided not to do so right there and then so I waited till a later time. When I finally had contact with this person later in the day I told her about the dream.

When I told this person what my dream was about I got reassured and things opened up, things which I don't believe I would have been a part of unless I would have had that dream.

I learnt a lot from the conversation we had. Things in my own life started to make more sense. Like the words were put on that feeling I've had and not been able to identify. I also took this chance to tell the person something I believed was important. Something that probably hadn't been thought of. It turned out I was right about that. It seemed to have been good.

As the story was told I felt touched. I felt like it was something good. When I heard the story I realized how much I myself would benefit from such a thing.

Also the other night I made a discovery, a discovery which put light upon a great deal of things. Everything was so clear from that moment on. I now understand it a lot more than ever before.

The freedom of finally getting it done was indescribable. It felt so good to let it out again.

Greater understanding

In my time here I've seen a whole lot more of certain aspects of life. Those which I had felt myself just not felt it was okay for me to feel that way. Somehow I felt as those particular feelings were forbidden and only for the weak. I was wrong.

Since I've seen it up close. I've been around it long enough to see it. I've seen behind the scenes. It's not always as good as it looks. Through a brief conversation I suddenly saw it for what it was, that which I had already noticed by myself. Seeing it like this there is no wonder things are the way they are in this society.

People are not healthy. Simple as that yet much more complex. 

Things need to change.

Getting Settled

It takes some time getting settled. There are a lot of things that you need to get used to. Things like checking your mailbox regularly and taking it easy every now and then. Eager as I've been I've barely spent any time at home. I've always been out and about and doing lots of stuff, mostly work related.

I suppose I should take it easy every now and then, but you know it's hard. Finding the time and the state of mind sitting down just relaxing and not thinking about work and everything work related. I haven't really felt the need to do so yet but my colleagues have told me I need take a break. I guess having been unemployed makes you eager to work.

 I'm starting to see that I barely take any time at all alone for myself and I know that I'm the kind of person who needs time alone a lot more than what you'd think. The problem is that I've never before felt that it's okay to put on the brakes every now and then. I've never before felt that I've had the possibility to take care of myself the way I'm now able to do.

Certain aspects of me have emerged as of late. Things which have been hidden, submerged in darkness. So much has been kept from me all this time. Finally I've been able to let it out. Not all of it of course but it's a process, not to be rushed.

As things open up new revelations come, I can see things with more clarity now than I've ever could. I feel like I'm more and more becoming the man I've felt that I should be, but that's still a long way from here.