Newfound Joy

A lot has been going on lately. A lot of new revolutionary thoughts have been visiting me. A lot is about to happen. A lot is about to change. 

I have seen some of the faults. I told them about it and gladly they all seemed to appreciate it. They must have seen that I was right in my words and decided to support me in this. They decided to listen to my words and I can already see that things are taking into effect. 

I see a bright future. Things may be challenging sometimes but I know that I'm not alone. There is no apparent opposition from within. In this we can grow into what we should be.

Dreamworld

It's been some time since I last had such a dream. When I think about it now it tells me of a series of dreams I had as a child. This dream was peculiar. Not the way dreams usually don't make sense. This dream did make sense, more or less all the way through. Still there were a few elements in the dream which aren't very likely.

As we understood what was about to happen we waited for judgement. We saw it happen, but we were not a part of it. The light of the world had left. My first thought was that we had been abandoned, but I soon understood that it couldn't have been the case. I asked and I knew that the reason we had been left behind was not because we had been abandoned but that we had a special task assigned to us. What the task was is still unclear to me, as was it in my dream. All I knew was that it was important.

The world was dark, a depressing and evil cloud had covered the skies. I saw him, a friend who had been consumed by evil. He who had once been a friend had become the face of evil. The opposing force was led by a surprising person. I saw the difficulty in his heart. I saw the anger in his eyes. I felt his sorrow. The exact reasons did not reveal themselves but I understood him anyway. I made it clear to him that he was loosing his level head and needed to calm down. 

We had found something valuable. Something unique. He ran towards it and said he'd get in and I told him to do so for my mission was to die there. The words just came out of my mouth and I didn't understand why at first. Then I thought to myself that I was left behind so I could sacrifice myself for the good of others. 

I never got to find out what that really meant. The battle was about to begin and our side was more confident than ever. As this was about to happen I was pulled out of my dream. 

Disappointment & Worry

Need I be worried or is it okay to trust? Should I doubt or is it without reason? Am I wrong to believe that it was sincere?

I disliked the situation. I didn't want to have to go through with that but it was necessary, or was it? Every now and then the thought hits me and I wonder if it really made a difference or if I did all that completely in vain.

When I arrived I thought that it would be a great day. Things turned out very differently than I had thought. My arrival was deceiving, it left me unguarded for I had not expected that.

It is rare to experience feelings the way I experienced them that night. I didn't think I'd let myself get so upset though I feel it was justified. The disappointment was unmatched. Regularly I wouldn't take disappointment too hard but this dug deep. The blow to the heart was hard and merciless.

Bonds were strained. Uncertainty was planted. Anger brew. I never let myself be angry at a loved one, before now. I made it clear and afterwards I noticed the avoiding eye contact and the failed attempts to hide the truth. One thing is to do something but to try to hide it is a different thing entirely. Not only was I stabbed in the heart but the dagger was drenched in poison.

People say love hurts, but I say it's the lack of it that does. The selfish and thoughtless ways of a person can have grave consequences and leave deep scars. I speak of experience, I have seen it too many times before.

I was harsh. I did not approve. I was not about to let such a thing just go by. Though I have forgiven I still feel the pain from these fresh wounds. I have tried to mend them the best way I have been able to, now I can't control whether they get better or not.

Love conquers all, this is true. People are fragile and cannot withstand everything. Love conquers all but the person behind it has not mastered it. The person behind it still has its breaking point.

A limit not to be tested, it can break something very very valuable.

Surfacing

As I kept on laying my blows, more and more feelings started brewing up again. Feelings which so rarely get to express themselves. I then it became clear for me that though I've come this far I still have my ways to go. I still have things to express, things to forgive, things to let go. 

A Rough Night

It felt like it was more important. It felt like all that extra stress was for nothing. Disappointed again. It really didn't feel good. The wall took the beating. 

Can't remember letting go like that. 

Feelings were expressed and things felt better, though it wasn't very pleasant. I wonder if the conversation sticked or passed the memory. I guess time will tell. 

In the end things turned out well. 

Progress

I touched the truth. I hadn't done that before, not like this. Never before had I gone so deep. Never before was I able to let myself wander so far into the abyss, into the darkness. I found a place in which I don't remember being. So well guarded had I been. So well guarded from the truth. Even I couldn't enter without help. I saw the remains that were hidden. 

I saw the bear in the cage. He had never left. He just went to sleep. I saw him sleeping there. Alone in the dark. As I entered that forgotten room I relived that moment. The trembling, the fear, it was all there. I panicked, couldn't remember ever losing control like that. 

The darkness needs to move elsewhere. That room was never meant to be dark. That room was meant for light. That room was meant for something else entirely. There isn't supposed to be a cage there. That wild beast is not meant to be caged there. The room needs to change. 

In the darkness I've dwelt for so long. The light came and blinded me. I knew not what was going on. Though I was scared I accepted the light, little by little. As the light became stronger I got used to it and I started to see. I could see things with a different light, a warm light. 

My heart is now free, now I need to get out of this cage.

Complicated

Things aren't always as easy as they seem. Things now are not as I had earlier envisioned them. They are completely different. I wonder about the decision and I wonder was that really right. In some ways yes, in others no.

But anyway I think things might change in a different manner than previously thought. I hope things turn out for the best. We'll see. 

Things are complicated right now.