Digging

It feels like there's always something going on and there's never any time for rest. There's always something to do and something to be done and even if there isn't it feels like there ought to be. 

A lot has been going on lately, especially on the inside. On the path that I'm currently traveling I seem to be walking through some pretty rough terrain. The hardest part is being honest and open about it. 

The other day we had one of our artistic therapy evenings. The majority of the feeling we handled were negative ones, also very familiar. Still it didn't feel hard or painful or anything. I'm used to these things by now. As it would seem, I have made progress in my quest. 

After going through these feelings I was asked to choose a feeling and paint a picture of that feeling with me in the picture. As I thought about it I realised that several of the other negative feelings had a lot to do with the one I chose. I drew the picture and felt like I finally could get it out, that which I had felt for some time. They say a picture says more than a thousand words, well in this case it was definitely true. That which was expressed could never have been expressed in words alone. 

After I was done we talked about the picture. Some questions arose and a lot of things became very clear. I now had something concrete to look at to explain the feelings I've been carrying around me for all this time. It's a matter of state of being. It's something that's been with me for a long time and something that might stay for the rest of my life. 

Some words were uttered that made me think. Words that were familiar. Even though I agree with what was said I still don't feel like I've truly accepted it. Perhaps I'm afraid that I'll let the hubris take over if I were to accept it. 

I'm still on this journey, a journey to find answers. I'm trying to find the answers which were unavailable to me before, while I was still in chains. Though I've gotten rid of the chains the burden hasn't become any lighter, sometimes I wonder if it's gotten even harder.

Caring for Others

Why do we care about others? I thought to myself the other day. Why do I care about others? Why do I care about those that I do? Some people I just can't find any reason as to why I should care about them. People that you usually have very little to do with, people who aren't family or anything like that. Why does one care? 

Why does one bother about caring for others well-being, really? 

Maybe the reason why isn't that important. Perhaps one shouldn't question these things, just be happy about it?

Old Scars

I suppose things from the past always make a difference. Even though past is the past and one has moved on ghosts from the past tend to show up every now and then. Some things from the past tend to pop up in occasions where one would not expect.

How people treat you as a child greatly affects how one grows. How someone may mistreat you might have a great impact on later relationships. How someone praises you might greatly affect ones outlook on life. Condescending people can greatly disturb ones inner peace.

That condescending behaviour was devastating to the sense of self. Apparently it was unacceptable to be anything other than the expectations others had on you. Though one might have strived forward for something more those that should be supportive decided time and time again to be difficult. I often wonder why there just couldn't be any acknowledgement. I still do not understand why.

People who are supposed to be close refuse to look at what is. As if they would rather be blind.

There's a lot of resentment left. One should love but some people make it very difficult to do so. One might want to but truth is that there are some limitations and some weaknesses. That seems to be a part of being human.

What it has done is create an dissatisfaction of self. One can never be satisfied of oneself because the very core of the sense of self was disapproved in an important part of life. When one chooses to be blind and condescending one creates a deep wound, not a wound of the flesh but one much worse.

Newfound Joy

A lot has been going on lately. A lot of new revolutionary thoughts have been visiting me. A lot is about to happen. A lot is about to change. 

I have seen some of the faults. I told them about it and gladly they all seemed to appreciate it. They must have seen that I was right in my words and decided to support me in this. They decided to listen to my words and I can already see that things are taking into effect. 

I see a bright future. Things may be challenging sometimes but I know that I'm not alone. There is no apparent opposition from within. In this we can grow into what we should be.

Dreamworld

It's been some time since I last had such a dream. When I think about it now it tells me of a series of dreams I had as a child. This dream was peculiar. Not the way dreams usually don't make sense. This dream did make sense, more or less all the way through. Still there were a few elements in the dream which aren't very likely.

As we understood what was about to happen we waited for judgement. We saw it happen, but we were not a part of it. The light of the world had left. My first thought was that we had been abandoned, but I soon understood that it couldn't have been the case. I asked and I knew that the reason we had been left behind was not because we had been abandoned but that we had a special task assigned to us. What the task was is still unclear to me, as was it in my dream. All I knew was that it was important.

The world was dark, a depressing and evil cloud had covered the skies. I saw him, a friend who had been consumed by evil. He who had once been a friend had become the face of evil. The opposing force was led by a surprising person. I saw the difficulty in his heart. I saw the anger in his eyes. I felt his sorrow. The exact reasons did not reveal themselves but I understood him anyway. I made it clear to him that he was loosing his level head and needed to calm down. 

We had found something valuable. Something unique. He ran towards it and said he'd get in and I told him to do so for my mission was to die there. The words just came out of my mouth and I didn't understand why at first. Then I thought to myself that I was left behind so I could sacrifice myself for the good of others. 

I never got to find out what that really meant. The battle was about to begin and our side was more confident than ever. As this was about to happen I was pulled out of my dream. 

Disappointment & Worry

Need I be worried or is it okay to trust? Should I doubt or is it without reason? Am I wrong to believe that it was sincere?

I disliked the situation. I didn't want to have to go through with that but it was necessary, or was it? Every now and then the thought hits me and I wonder if it really made a difference or if I did all that completely in vain.

When I arrived I thought that it would be a great day. Things turned out very differently than I had thought. My arrival was deceiving, it left me unguarded for I had not expected that.

It is rare to experience feelings the way I experienced them that night. I didn't think I'd let myself get so upset though I feel it was justified. The disappointment was unmatched. Regularly I wouldn't take disappointment too hard but this dug deep. The blow to the heart was hard and merciless.

Bonds were strained. Uncertainty was planted. Anger brew. I never let myself be angry at a loved one, before now. I made it clear and afterwards I noticed the avoiding eye contact and the failed attempts to hide the truth. One thing is to do something but to try to hide it is a different thing entirely. Not only was I stabbed in the heart but the dagger was drenched in poison.

People say love hurts, but I say it's the lack of it that does. The selfish and thoughtless ways of a person can have grave consequences and leave deep scars. I speak of experience, I have seen it too many times before.

I was harsh. I did not approve. I was not about to let such a thing just go by. Though I have forgiven I still feel the pain from these fresh wounds. I have tried to mend them the best way I have been able to, now I can't control whether they get better or not.

Love conquers all, this is true. People are fragile and cannot withstand everything. Love conquers all but the person behind it has not mastered it. The person behind it still has its breaking point.

A limit not to be tested, it can break something very very valuable.

Surfacing

As I kept on laying my blows, more and more feelings started brewing up again. Feelings which so rarely get to express themselves. I then it became clear for me that though I've come this far I still have my ways to go. I still have things to express, things to forgive, things to let go.