I am never alone

I found myself put in this process. I'm still in it and I don't know when I'll be coming out of it. I'm reminded of something a friend noticed. The same thing came up every now and then. I suppose I might not have been ready to take it then for what it was. There's a whole part that I just wanted to deny, even though I could see it myself. I chose to be blind to the truth that was right in front of me. I guess I'm bringing it up again because I hurt myself a lot making that choice. 

Things bubbled up to the surface once more and I need to deal with the things now that I couldn't back then. There were a few words that stuck with me. I shared those words and thought about the situation I was facing. I got some good advice. My mind is no longer in shambles. I'm more clear about it now. Putting the pieces together now and finding that things probably are as I thought all along. My thoughts reflecting the realisation that I had not yet processed. 

Looking back I realise that my focus shifted. I need to put it back in place. Focus on what's important, the rest is secondary. I sometimes feel like I'm very hard in my thoughts and I wonder whether or not I ought to be. Naturally I think I'm right but do I need to be more gentle in my mind? A lot of thoughts I'm having now is about what I'm doing and why I'm doing what I do. This applies to a lot of areas. To be honest I've felt like last year blurred my vision and that I've missed out on a lot of things because of it. I suppose it's perfectly normal, but it perhaps isn't the best. It's hard to focus when your eyesight is blurred. 

This year I'm hoping things will go smoother. I'm hoping to not be as distracted as I've been before. I want to be more intentional with what I'm doing and making proper plans. I plan to be more stable and strong. I will learn from the past and leave it behind me and look forward to that which is to come. 

New Year

2012 ended in a lot of pain and confusion. I had made the right choice yet I decided to get back into it. I was right the first time. I made a lot of bad choices back then, choices I regret today. I should have known. Immediately I knew I had made the wrong choice, still I decided to ignore it. You’d think that the circumstances and my reactions should have warned me enough, but no, I was too pigheaded to listen to reason. My weakness became apparent to me. 2012 ended in disaster. 2013 began with disaster. 

I kept holding on despite my better judgement. I knew I was making a mistake, yet I could not bring myself to admit it to myself. I chose to avoid talking about it. I questioned everything. The further along I went the more unsure I was. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. I suspected where things were headed, ever since the new beginning. I lay there in the comfort of my friends, the pain was unbearable.

The further I went the more I knew where things were going. I realised that there was no hope, still I kept on going. I invested more than I thought I ought to. I was going to see things through to the end. With a lot of pain and doubt and sorrow I did. I was met with dishonesty. I had my suspicions already but I chose no not follow that path to the end. Perhaps if I had been a bit more patient I would have given room for the confession, but then again I’m not sure if I would ever get one. Finally I felt at peace.


I sat there listening to those words. I had heard it before but I was not the same person I was before. Those words somehow meant a lot more to me now. I just knew I had to find a pen and paper. I got up and found it. I listened to the picture and I knew what was about to happen. I fell down to the floor in pain. It was like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I was finally free.

The evening started out great. Everything was fine and I was having a good time. Then something was said that could never be taken back. I felt compelled to ask the question. The one I feared the answer to, because I already knew the answer. It was only a matter of confirmation. The instant the answer came I knew what it was. The rage I felt that day was like no other I had ever felt in my entire life. The betrayal and pain was the worst thing I could have ever imagined. I am familiar with pain but this was on a completely different level. My new path was about to begin.

I knew where to go and what to do. There was no mysteries there. Looking back at it all I’m still a bit surprised at how well things went. I wasn’t alone this time. I fell and someone was there to catch me. This time, there was more to it. My heart was no longer shut like it used to be. I could receive the love that was available to me. Faith was relevant like never before. It was time to practice what I preach. It was never easy, but I was never alone either.

I moved on and a lot started to change. I found a completely new mindset. I found a new passion. I found a new drive. I built a something irreplaceable. Something I would not want to live without. I have received a lot and I am so thankful.


2013 ended with a lot of joy. Looking back I can safely say that I made a lot of progress. 2014 started well and I can only be hopeful for what this year has to offer. I’m very sure that 2014 will be a lot better than 2013.

Merry Christmas

I have more and more landed into this situation in life. I'm getting used to living like this. There are certain weaknesses that can be found in me which I feel don't necessarily have to be there. I could do something about it and grow into a better man. I really don't have any excuses, it's just a matter of doing it yourself. Once again taking steps further into the next level of independence.

These past few days have given me a lot to be thankful for. I've met with people I don't see too often. There isn't much to say really. We had a lot of fun. I feel a bit sorry for those who could not attend.

We had a lot of conversations now. It's like a whole world of understanding opened up. If I were to look back a few years I would never have thought that I could have managed to sit and discuss thing with them for that length of time. I have found it to be quite rewarding. We are continuously repairing the broken bonds.

Things have been intense. I don't feel like I've gotten much rest, but that's fine.

There seems to be a lot of new elements in my life as of late. Life is more or less stabilising.

Humbleness

Every now and then the past comes up and you feel regret. You regret the choices you made. Some things that happened still make you a bit sad. Some things come back to you and they help you move on. 

It came as a surprise, I wasn't expecting things to go the way they did. The whole thing humbled me. Hearing those words made me want to let it all go. I experienced a strong emotional response. I decided to stay silent. 

The past is the past and you can't change what happened, but you can always use it for something good.

Breakthrough

Time has come to take another step forward. This time it is not just me who is to take another step forward, this time we are many who should take this step together. Something is meant to happen and we are not going to be alone in this. 

The introvert manifested itself. 

There are a lot of thoughts that have passed through my mind lately. 

So much encouragement, it's amazing. The family feeling came and you just knew that it was good. There were no walls, we were all together. 

Breakthrough

Standards

I remember a few people who I thought had too high standards on potential mates. I thought they should lower the standards and get together with someone already. I thought that you shouldn't be too picky when it comes to relationships. I used to think that anything could be good. When you have low standards it's easy to get a girlfriend since just about anyone will suit you. It's not always about them being bad people, most of the time I think it's about them being bad for you specifically. 

I've been thinking a lot about this with the standards we have and impose on others, the standards we impose on ourselves and how they compare to each other. 

I think high standards are good when it comes to potential mates. I mean you do want to be happy, you want a relationship to benefit both. I think it's important to have an understanding of what you consider important. Those things that filter out a lot of harmful people. 

I'd say you should have high standards and live up to them yourself, taken into account that we are flawed beings. A clear view of what standards you have could be very helpful in the initial stages of a relationship. It is not wise to get a girlfriend and then start thinking about what standards you have and what you want in a relationship. I mean if the person is simply not the right person for you then it's a lot harder breaking it off. I know from experience.

I've gotten into relationships with strangers a lot and it's given me a lot more heartbreak than it was worth most of the time. I've wasted a lot of time and energy on relationships that haven't been worth it. I simply didn't know what I was getting myself into. When I got an understanding of what I had gotten myself into I didn't want to get out of it.

There is a lot more to say about this subject and a lot more detail one could go into but it's enough for now.

Steady Pace

I feel amazing. I'm so grateful for everything I've been given. There just keeps on coming more and more and more. I've been learning a lot and I feel as though I've come to a lot of new, deeper understandings. My life is constantly changing for the better. There's a lot of encouragement. I've been blessed with amazing people.

I know that sooner or later I'll face difficulties but somehow it doesn't bother me. I have more tools and a lot more strength to face the opposition. I still have areas in which to grow but it's just a matter of time. Even if I meet things that are too big for me to handle I know I'm not alone, so I don't have anything to worry about.

It's just a matter of accepting the truth and live accordingly.