An Unfamiliar Sense of Welcome

It's something strange. I can't say I've ever really experienced it before. It's refreshing. Never before have I ever been in a place that has made me feel so much at home. It really is amazing. Being rootless I have never really known what it feels like to be home. I get a sense of acceptance that's different from that of friends, something that goes deeper. Suddenly the whole concept of family gets a deeper meaning. For years I never had what I see others have, only now can I get a proper taste of what it's like. Things aren't perfect but they are what they need to be. 

It's hard to put words on the love I feel. Sometimes it feels like you can't truly express those really intense emotions. You always feel like there's more you could do. You keep on doing everything you can but still there's more you can do. But that's the beauty of it, you are never really finished. There's always more to do and what you've already done is always enough. 

It's interesting how you can basically go anywhere and still find brothers and sisters. The fellowship seems to have no boundaries. That's the way it's supposed to be. We aren't limited by borders. The genuine love expressed to strangers, but they're never really strangers for they are our brothers and sisters. It's amazing being a part of such a family. 

Despite the whirlpool of emotions there's peace at the center of it all.

The Promise

The train brought me back, back to something I felt becoming relevant again. Somehow it seemed like that's what it all meant. I don't care about the circumstances. A promise has been made. There's nothing to fear. 

Look up, I'm safe.

Cycles

Upon the realisation that the end draws near I started to think about what I am about to leave behind me. All those hours those things have been on my mind. Thinking of different ways to build and trying to apply those thoughts, keeping in mind what reality looked like. 

Once again I feel like I'm being thrown into the unknown. Only this time things are different. A lot is different now. A lot has changed, within and around me. Life has taken a lot of unexpected turns. Even though I was expecting the unexpected I still found myself surprised. Words cannot describe what I have experienced. 

Naturally I have my questions and thoughts about the future but the truth is, it's all beyond my control. 

It's amazing how it works. Suddenly I just saw it. I saw the need and I went here. As I closed in on the need I felt it. I could feel exactly how it felt all throughout my body. I fell to my knees and it overwhelmed me for a moment or two. I got the attention and moved on. Hopefully seeds were planted.

Appreciation

Every now and then things don't go the way we have planned. These past few days I've had to live with the fact that nothing has gone as I had hoped. Due to certain circumstances my life has been quite different since I've had to live without one of my essentials. Often you'd hear people say things like "you don't really know what you had till it's gone" or stuff like that, though I would disagree. 

Naturally when something you have disappears you'll feel the absence. In my opinion that is actually too late for you to notice what you had. To me, the statement above seems more like an excuse. I knew that it was an essential for my situation and I was grateful for having it. I knew that in it's absence my life would become a lot more difficult and challenging. I knew what I was losing before I lost it. I knew what I had. Losing an essential added a lot of challenge to my everyday life. I simply had to change how I did things and sadly I had to cancel a few plans.

I think a lot more people would be a lot happier if they started appreciating what they have. What if more people were more aware of what they have and how privileged they are? I hear stories of teenagers deliberately destroying their phones so that their parents will have to buy them new ones, the latest and best ones. Will this work in the long run? From what I gather, young people tend not to think too much about the future and the fact that they will one day move out and have to support themselves. This is no news, they tend to just assume that they'll get just about whatever they like. Naturally there are a lot of exceptions to this generalisation. Every now and then I can meet very mature teenagers who think about the future and what kind of consequences their actions have. They're aware of the financial situation in the family and they take that into account.

Inconvenient truths

So I suppose it's about time to write a new post. It's been a while. I haven't just felt like I've had anything to say. 

When I got the apology I was a bit surprised. I didn't know how to react. I still don't. Looking back to the event I think that maybe it was good with an apology, though I don't know how else things could have been done. It's not a very big thing but I appreciate the gesture. To me it speaks of something deeper. I admire the character I see.

There is a lot of good I can see. I can't help but to be bothered by the unease I feel every now and then. I know this unease is only a reflection of the deep insecurity. A deep deep scar from the past. I've noticed every now and then the subtle flashes of emotions that are rooted in history. I am bothered by the fact that I'm still affected by what happened. It's easy to forgive and forget, it's not always so easy to follow it through. I can forgive, but how could I ever forget? 

My dreams reveal the resentment I carry. I await that day when I will be confronted by it. Will I keep my cool or will my emotions get the better of me once again? Will I ever get the closure I need to move on? Perhaps not. Frankly I don't think things will be good ever again. It's a two way stream and I'm sure that I can't expect anything. Of course people can change, but I have seen no indications that anything will change. 

I am no longer the same closed up person I once was. Two years ago I would never have shared what I talked about last sunday. I can see how I am a lot more able to help people now and make more of a difference. 

Thank you!

Stepping up

These past few weeks have given me so much to be thankful for. I'm just overjoyed. It's like nothing else. I have a lot to look forward to. I am very excited. 

Things have come up, things of old. I feel that it is on me to solve this situation but I don't think that it is right that it is on me. Of course I will contribute with what I can, but it is not really one of my responsibilities. In some ways I feel that it is unfair, but this is my opportunity to step up and be more than I am. Come to think of it this is one of the kinds of things I want to work with in the future. Perhaps I was meant to deal with this right now. 

Responsibility is something which I find to be a very important thing. I think responsibility is something that needs to be prioritised a lot more in our society. When there is something we must do, we should do it. Not because it's easy or pleasant but because there are people who are counting on you to do the right thing. Of course I feel this is an unfair burden but I'm not alone in this either. I have support. I have someone who always has my back. It is not by my own strength I'll carry this burden. 

Letters

The anticipation. Knowing that there is something waiting for you when you get home. You have a fair idea as to what it is. I don't think I've ever checked the mail with such anticipation before. When I finally got home and got to check the mailbox I was excited to say the least. 

I opened the letters one by one and my satisfaction just kept on growing. If only you could have seen the smile on my face.