One of Those days

Today hasn't really been to great. My mind has been on one of Those matters and a small exchange of words changed the course of my mood. I was quite happy before I took the liberty of asking advise of someone who might have answers. Some of the things told were some of those with deep and powerful emotions attached. When pondering upon those things it wasn't too difficult or sensitive. But when thoughts leave the mind and into words they may feel a lot different than anticipated. It was a lot harder and felt more real. Caring really can take its toll on you.

The whole day was a bit miserable from that point on. I didn't really feel like speaking to anybody and just lay down in a corner and isolate myself from all the rest. The following lesson was a real pain. To have to sit and listen and look interested when one just wanted to go home quickly and get away from everybody. During the lesson I started to feel a bit ill and got a headache. After the agonizing lesson I went and got a panadol pore and got something to drink. Then I ate some bread. I didn't really feel like eating anything at that time. While I was sitting at the table they noticed I wasn't feeling well and as I told them about my headache I got a massage from certain someone which was quite nice. It was relaxing and so the headache lifted a bit and I was feeling better both mentally and physically. After her departing I sat there with the company of my two older friends. My guess would be that I wasn't very fun to be with because of my still upset mood. After a while I realized that I had to get going if I was going to come in time for maths. I got there about a minute late. But after a while I started to focus more on maths and less on my pondering. Then it felt a bit better and I was getting more relieved. But near the end of the lesson I was just waiting to get going because I felt this urge to go and play some guitar at school. So after getting back to the apartment I left my school-stuff and took my guitar and my music papers and got going.

At school people had assembled since they were going bowling. I could've gone with them but I didn't feel like being around so many people so I decided to follow my original intentions. So I went inside and went to the music room. I then played about an hour. It was exactly what was needed. After my little session I felt good. Like all the negative energy just floated away and the calm after the storm came and so I was at peace again.

Now I know what must be done. I just need to find the answers and then take the best shot I got. What could possibly go wrong ?

Happiness

We have just had a few days of. It has been nice and it is over to fast as well. I would have enjoyed the whole week of instead of only the two days but sure, one shouldn't complain. Two days is better than nothing. But I still feel as though I need a few more days of to prepare mentally for school. Even though one doesn't put a lot of energy on the school subjects ones energy is still drained from being in school. It must be the lack of motivation.

Anyways I feel more stable. Everything around me is stabilizing and I feel more sure of things even though I'm not sure at all. But I have faith in the matter. I have hope. I believe in the possibility. What ever way things play out I'm still happier than what I was yesterday. And tomorrow I'll probably be happier than what I've been today. Have I finally found the upward spiral ? Will I now find that which I've been looking for ? The empty hole inside is not felt anymore. This must be a sign. The sign I've been looking for.

the most wonderful thing.

Somehow it feels as though you understood what I needed. This little conversation of ours was just what was needed. Sometimes speaking of the past can dramatically change thing for the better. I feel a deep happiness which is one of those that just cannot go wrong. I feel good. I feel as though quarrels of the past will disappear and that a sense of family will return. It is truly a blessing !

I believe that its time to go on and take the next step. If it is only recently or if it was just my ignorance but I realized it isn't that bad. It was actually really good. Just that maybe it was me not wanting to get over it. But now it shouldn't be so hard. My mission is succeeding. And my recent discovery got me a long way along the right lines !

Let this happiness last for the rest of my life. I feel..... completed !

warning signs

Now the warnings have presented themselves and it's time for a withdrawal and to distance oneself a bit. I see the bond breaking in two and a certain close one who need not be so close. Who would have thought that being close to someone would be a bad thing ? Well to be honest the thought did pass me by once but I decided not to react upon it. Well anyway, I clearly saw the negative side of it and I don't really know what I should do. To sacrifice one thing for another.. is that really okay to do ? Such complications at the very moment another issue is to be taken care of. These are Those warning signs but no matter how many times I stumble over this same problem, I don't seem to find the answer to why it keeps reoccurring. And I can't find a way out of this spiral. Somehow I feel as though I'm not really trying... Subconsciously not wanting to find the answer. Maybe it is a change that of which I'm not ready to make... Or it is one of those changes I do not want to take.

Whatever it is there's no point in pondering over it too thoroughly. I just want to find a way to get this of my chest but to who ? I've isolated myself avoiding to let anyone to close for it has not been in my interest in the past. Despite this I'm still happier now than what I have been. Just that it's a new kind of pain which I will have to endure for now. I'll learn to deal with it sooner or later. I still have the rest of my life to take care of this.

This last week has been a bit of a hell for me. It has felt really awful all week. From the moment I've gotten up till the moment I've lay down. My nights have been filled with strange dreams and sleep has not been my best of friend. It was quite a while since it was a good friend. Still remember the time when it was good to me. That was a better time for me. Too bad that had to end and be followed by the next problem which really dragged me down. I really have been a fool to have let myself plummet down there even though I should have known to let it be. Certain things should be left in the past but since one is young one is still inexperienced and therefore stupid and brings misfortune upon oneself. People say that's just a part of being human but... I'm not convinced. This was never a part of being human, It was never meant to be like this. Or maybe it's just another phase. Whatever it might be, I still don't like it.

Well, enough about that. Reflecting on ones past is not always a good thing. Though it helps one remember those important things one needs to cling on to.
Such depressing thoughts running through my head right now I feel as though.... I need something...

Nothing lasts forever.'

Something that should be obvious to the most of us at this point. There is always a point of change somewhere along the way. Certain things last longer than others. Hope that tonight will end this right now and help me back on track !

The boost of confidence needed. The pursuit of happiness finding it's path. Yet so far away, several steps closer. I feel happiness right now. I feel as though I am finally succeeding. My mission was a success and life is looking up. Long way still but a burst of hope !

Subconsciousness

Vasa by night was just what I needed. Something I could use to take it easy and relax. Even though it wasn't really taking it easy it was relieving. I can't really recall too much of the events of the night, but still I feel happier. The day after was absolutely wonderful ! I woke up earlier than usual. Strange because others usually don't wake up early the next morning feeling great. But anyways school was fun and entertaining. Got to use up all extra energy. But then again it wasn't too pleasant when I noticed that the new computer that I got didn't have pages so everything that was written down was completely useless since I couldn't look at it nor could I write any more notes. But after school me and F went shopping for watermelon. But since we didn't know where that particular shop was we went wondering around like two idiots walking a lot more than necessary before finally finding the shop.

After finally finding the shop we went inside with awe when seeing the size of the place. Or at least I was. Then we looked for the right watermelon and then we bought it. When walking home we realized just how much extra we had gone. But it was good exercise and we got to have a good long chat. We got to know each other better. Or at least he got to know more about me. I tend to talk a lot when alone with another individual. And after coming home I realized that I would need to get ready for maths. So then a few friends came over so I could get my bag which I had left at a friends place . After retrieving my bag we went to Övis schoolyard to meet J. And after just arriving I realized that I needed to hurry up. So running along to get all my stuff almost running I got there at the exactly predicted time. But after stepping into class I realize that there's loads of unknown people none who had been on maths the last time. Confused I asked a person close to me if this was maths. Then he tells me that we just had maths. Then realizing that I had gotten the times mixed up so I had missed the class I was stressing so much to arrive in time at. But you know what they say. Shit happens !

After my disappointing discovery I first called J wondering where they were and telling him of my miss and then I called my mother telling her about the situation with the computer my friends called since they had gotten to know of my situation and told me where to come. After sitting there with them a good while we decided to go home which was a huge relief since my backside didn't really agree with the cold step. When getting home I went to F's to eat our melon. So after a short guitar lesson we cut up the melon and started watching a movie. Blood Rayne 2 which was a great disappointment on my part. It didn't have very much action and it wasn't the same person acting the part of the main character. The story was better than the first but it could have been done a lot better. After eating almost my whole half my body protested. My head was telling me that " If you make me eat more melon I'll make you throw up ! " since the speed of my consumption was astonishingly fast. And after receiving that message I stopped and didn't feel for any more. After the movie I went back home and went to bed only brushing my teeth before sleep.

Even though sleeping the recommended 8 hours I didn't feel at all satisfied with the sleep since I was so tired I fell asleep in school today. But since it was break when I actually fell asleep it was okay. But I was only barely able to stay awake enough to listen to our teacher at all. After the break I was able to actually able to keep my head clear enough to understand what she was on about. After Swedish we had our daily assembly which I can't really recall much of because I was in a more of a " drugged " state of mind caused by my tiredness. I was playing around a bit with a class mate and not really paying too much attention to the person speaking. Somewhat disrespectful but one doesn't want to listen every day. After our assembly I was on my way to the bus station since I had an appointment with my doctor. Lucky me who had heard a rumor about the bus station changing place or I wouldn't have noticed that I had walked passed the bus that I was to go with. So when arriving at the bus in the last second I payed my ticket and then got on the bus which left immediately after me taking a seat and shortly I fell asleep again. Slept until we reached Oravais where I woke up thinking we were in Jakobstad. But to disappointment we had a long way to go still. So after a long drive I arrived about an hour before the appointment so I went to JG to visit my friends. And when their lessons started I headed for the hospital and yet again a almost perfect timed arrival meeting my old physiotherapist who showed me my brothers name in the newspaper and showed some tables he had made. Shortly after this my specialist came and I filled in some papers and got to see if any training was possible. And to my surprise I was ready to start a new and better training which means it will finally start to get a lot better improving my life quite a bit. When finally getting home I checked the internet and tuned the guitar here at home and then started playing a bit. Then I was reminded about a " homework " I had gotten from F to learn. I was suppose to figure out which chord are in one song. And after a while I got it by just listening. Or I got most of it right and unfortunetly a friend accidentally told me whichones were to be changed to what. But still it felt good getting what I had right. At ten o'clock I went to R's to watch some movies with my old gang which I had left behind when moving to Vasa. The evening was nice but we could have done more than just watch movies in my opinion. But you can't always get what you want, now can you ?

Further more I have written a really detailed blog for no appearent reason. Just felt like it a guess. The topic I was planning to write about doesn't seem to charming after all this.