Deadly gaze

I was given such look I couldn't make out what it was. It was completely different from any I ever encountered before. If gazes could kill, that one would probably been a sudden heartattack with an agonizing end. I wonder what it was. Don't know if that look was intentional or not, but still there was something to it.

I see the pain inflicted in all sorts of directions. Inflicted in different areas of different people. All in pain of different reasons. Yet I am but one, how could I possibly help them all if any at all. I would very much like to do something to help but what could I possibly do? I try but there is not much I can do. As I said I am but one and they are many. Still somehow I feel as though I have the potential to help. Because I care for them very much. But they are still too many for me alone to handle. I would need to focus first on one at a time and leave my own issues aside. But then again that would surely result in a loss. For my issues directly involve others. Though no more has been said I still feel this isn't all okay. Might even be far from it. But the actual truth is known by only one individual. "How to turn this into a win-win situation?" I constantly ask myself. I know what I would like. I know what another would like. But then I know that would be an unpleasant fact in another ones eyes. It might be considered a betrayal and that was never my intention.

But things never really turn out the way we expect them to. For we never think of all the different factors which have a say in reality. But many things which I've noticed where to be expected. All a result of my own folly. Playing with this fire. Touching the forbidden. Putting myself in this surely dangerous situation.

Time will surely provide a good solution to this dilemma.

Internal Strife

As I see the regret in those eyes a deep anger arises. My bubbly friend yells in my ear " It's far too late now. There is no reason anymore. It's a lost cause. Leave it!". What my little friend tells me is true. It's been a while. It's gone on for far too long. I would much rather leave it. Go on with no regret. I know I can only if I let myself. My will is turned towards this. My heart tells me that I have no need for this. There is no more reason to live in this limbo. Time to get past it. With or without the other part. My head tells me to yet give another chance. Sooner or later it will be taken. Sooner or later it the chance given will be taken and then this problem will forever be behind and forgotten. But my mind doubts the strenght of the other part. That the other part never will take those chances given. Yet nothing has been done. One short conversation. ONE. That is all the effort so far. And a compliment to my new shoes. That is next to nothing considering what has been. But I'm still waiting. Though I don't feel confident in any change at all I'm still waiting. Hoping that I'm not doing all this in vain. Hopefully the message will get through soon.

Over to some other matters which need adressing. Probably even more pressing matters than this. The confession was made. A new matter arose. Just as expected it wasn't quite that welcome or ideal. I was granted permission but still I know of the dislike to the situation. I completely understand. That is probably the reason this matter is something worth pondering about. I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to make things harder than they might already be. I know of my past actions, my past mistakes. But I am sure that I won't redo those same mistakes. For they where not right then and they are not right now. I won't do the same again. I've learnt my lesson. But I'm not surprised if it might be hard to believe. Still I don't believe that is the whole matter either. Rather I know that isn't all of it. But we still need to talk more about it.

Just don't know what to say really. I want one thing but I wouldn't want to sacrifice another either. It may be selfish of me but I want to have both. It would probably be a bit hard. At least now at first.

Taking Steps

As I continuously write all these blogs within a short period of time I am makingmore and more progress. Taking steps towards an end. More and more steps towards the end of the tunnel. Into the light which has for so long been a distant dream. One which has been hard to make a reality due to certain circumstanses. But since these circumstanses are being eliminated I feel how this dream more and more can finally become a reality. Still this process is yet a sad one. It really is sad that these steps need to be taken. That I need to do this to go on. It was never my intent yet there was nothing really I could do to stop this from happening. How long can I really be a pawn to be thrown around taking punishment for someone who doesn't even care.

To think that words can me so empty. So untruthful. So deceitful. I doubt there being any truth to it. Doesn't seem possible. For those actions speak so much louder than those words. I'm not the only one affected by this. People in my surroundings are also hurt by this behaviour. And it really makes me mad! It's just too much. All of it. All gone far to long. It needs to stop. But how could one such as I do anything about it? Kind of confrontation could be effective yet not too brutal? I'm losing all my respect to this matter. I see how the actions my mind is planning is simply disrespectful and hurtful. Yet I see how effective it might be. I see how it would help me. But the understanding of the other part might not be able to comprehend it all. I don't believe the other part would want to listen. I am sure of it. The other part would not want to hear all those things I would have to say. Would choose not to understand. To simply stay a child just to not have to take the consequenses. Just to be able to give away the responsability.

But I'll give it a week. Unless change occurs I'll have to take further action.

Worries

So now the time of confrontation closes in. Soon it will have to be done. I dislike the fact that anything needs to me done about it. If I could choose I'd just leave it as it is. Just take it all easy. But if I do so, to what cost? I need to think of something to say, we need to think of something to say. I wonder if it's just been my imagination or if there is a dislike to this. I would probably dislike the situation if the tables were turned.

I'm feeling that there is something that I should do. That there is a pressing matter. Just that I've missed it or walked past in my deep thought and dwelling. I'll have to take a look into it. There must be something that can be done about it. I'll take some time to investigate this. But still there are things which need my attention more at the moment.

We'll have to figure things out still.

Personal Growth

Anger is done. It has left. But it left behind the irritation. The irritation of this. All this. All these children and their childish games. Is there no way of finding anything else? Who are not children but still can play?

So much noise, so much fuss, so much of everything... Why am I not like them? Why do I constantly find myself in this position?

What probably bugs me the most is that things seem to have gone backwards. That things have gotten out of hand. I would have expected all this to have gone by already. But still I can not blame them. For this is a natural part of life. This is what is considered normal. It's natural this behaviour. But why does it feel so disgustful to me? Why can I not find myself within it?

I have a feeling of a certain someone that used to give a sort of balance or calm, just by being there. A sense of understanding between us which no one else quite understands. One that's quite comfortable. But it isn't strange at all. I see a certain respect which I haven't quite witnessed before. Something I feel I should appriciate more. I just haven't put the time to figure out exaclty how. But I know I can do better.

And for recent news, I'm quite excited. It'll be nice. But it's too early to get too excited but. I like the idea of it.

Yet there is a conversation that still needs to be held. But my bubbly red friend tells me to wait it out for a while. And to change these recent patterns for they will surely lead to something bad. To get a bit of variation to recent activities. Sure it's fun at the moment but variation needs to take place.

I think that is the key to a better life. More variation.Give more color and life to it. Feed it with all the necessary vitamins and protines. A more balanced diet. Still I will need a bit of coaching to pull this off. Sloth has been taking over me for quite some time now. I need to pull away from him. Keep him at bay. I need to get out more and do more. Now as the weather gets better I'll have an easier time to do stuff.

But first of all I need to tell myself to take things a bit slow. Not to jump into anything before I'm sure of being ready for it. Not be overconfident but still put enough pressure on myself to actually overcome things. Set goals which are reachable but still needs effort put into it. I feel confident that I am not alone in this even though I might actually be. But I'm not at the same time.

Feels nice.

Thought

So I saw today another attempt. But the thing is, I kind of liked the way things were. I had gotten use to them. Had meant to let things go and just not care anymore. This just seems like more trouble changing things from what they were. I had already accepted that there would be no change. That it would be the future. I was already comfortable with it. To tell the truth I had liked the distance that had been between us. For I had started putting distance myself. And therefore it had become something that I wanted.

Maybe this change in behaviour pattern is a result of the sudden "I don't want things to be like this anymore". I know that this change that is taking place is one which I do not want anymore. I want to close this chapter of my life and burn the book. Start anew. But this is only dragging out this chapter. But what to do now? I know I want to leave it all. But the other part doesn't seem to want me to. Why is that? This is a question on constant repeat. My red bubbly friend keeps asking me "Why do you think this has to drag on?". I still have this feeling of that the reason is simply a selfish one. That it has more to do with not wanting to take the consequenses of their actions. Should I comply or should I take my own path and leave it behind? What would be best? What is the right thing to do. Somehow I feel as though I already know the answer but just haven't gotten around to telling myself.

I have this strong urge to call it all off. To just say how I dislike this situation and for how much too long it's been going on and that I figure I would feel a lot better if I just got to leave it all. That it isn't even close to being worth it. That this person isn't worth the effort. But those are things I rather not say for they would probably be more hurtful than anything else. But how healthy is it to bottle up these thoughts and emotions? In my experience it hasn't exactly helped me. Mostly it's been causing me more pain than anything else. But this time I feel a strangely strong urge to cut all ties. I really wonder why. I probably should look into it but, I haven't a care left. I just want an end. An end to it all.

Progress

So monday I got loads of Happy Birthdays. Including one from that one. I was surprised for it was a proper attempt. Just the kind I was hoping for. Only that it was a bit too cheerful for my taste. Wasn't really in any mood. And it was a bit of a strong aproach to start off with. But at least our conversation led to something this time. Still nothing more has really been done since. I guess it is expected of me to take some initiative too. But that wasn't quite our deal. I said that I would at first be a hard target. That I wouldn't necessarly do anything in return. That that one needs to start everything off again.

But I'm unsure of if that one really understood that or just thinks that it was for one time. I thought I was clear but seems not. Or maybe it's just hard. Maybe that one is afraid of me. At least that was the case last time. That was why nothing ever happened. But why be afraid? What is there to be afraid of? It seems silly to me to be afraid like that. I mean why? But this is people we're talking about. They're all silly. Every single one of them. You just have to find those situations where they are.

I'm probably silly for even putting any thought into this. That must be my folly. To even let myself care for this anymore. This whole situation started off silly, everything that's been going on has been silly. How silly of me not to have gotten rid of it already.


But over all I see a bright future. A very interesting one. Though in certain aspects it might me a gamble. It always is. There's no real way of getting past that gamble. For noone is that honest that there wouldn't be a gamble. At least I haven't met such a person. But thinking back there was this one person. Some times I miss what was then. There we had something great. But unfortunately time pushed us apart. Now we don't have that much contact. It's a pity really, for it was absolutely the best. Something I constantly keep thinking of. But we've settled our differences. We are friends but we meet all to seldom. But I don't really want to meet too often either. I like it the way it is. There is no way of having what once was anyways.

But enough of going through memories. The main thing is that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter.