Little child

There is no adult in there, there is no sign of maturity. Only a little child dwells inside that mind. The man which may be there is still asleep. For the behaviour of a man doesn't surface very often. I am often met by the child within. That little child with little control over his feelings. This little child which can't control himself, or just doesn't even try to. He goes on with his childish games. His childish games and his childish way of thought. I see not a man nor a woman. I see a child. A person with many insecurities and a will to appear big and strong. But the simple truth is that this is not a reality. This person is nor man or woman. This person might not even be a person. This might not have with the actual person to do. Yet it is so close to the person one might think it is the person. As I ponder over the situation, analysing it's different aspects. I see a pattern. Caused by an insecure and fragile self. One which biggest fear is to appear weak. Hiding behind a mask this person tries to be something else. Something better. For this person knows that it is weak. This organism knows it is vulnerable to many things. Since a small change in situation and surroundings the organism changes mood. It's mind easily gets hurt. A whole lot of whining all the time. Problems with people are not said out loud. The responsible person for anything might notice that something is wrong, but it is never said what is wrong. There are hints here and there but the real truth is never revealed. This round and round and round problems is nothing but a nuisance. There doesn't seem to be any upside to it. The problem may never be revealed. The person might not understand what the signs are pointing at for they are many and not very specific. It is up to the person receiving these signs who determine if the message comes across or not. If the person in the receiving end understands how the sending party works, the person might get the exact message and understand what's going on. But never being completely certain. And that is the whole reason of this game. To cause uncertainty. To make it as though the answer is there but you just don't see it. To make the problem seem as completely obvious though it is in fact hidden behind the mist of dis functioning communication.

The problem with this is that the person practicing such behaviour is very unstable. Very unstable to the core. It feels threatened and so it feels the need to make the other part feel threatened to itself feel more secure. But what if the person under siege doesn't feel threatened. What if the other part is too stable to feel the impact of such an unstable attack? What happens to an insecure army with low moral who fears the opposing force when the opposing force feels no threat and feels secure and doesn't feel any fear towards the attacking army. Having a very high moral they do not freeze in battle for they are sure of themselves while the attacking army continuously keeps freezing because of it's fear. The secure army will surely eliminate the attacking army without further difficulty or casualties. And the defenders fend of the invaders quickly and easily and they are still strong as a whole.

After an emotionally charged conversation the situation has lightened up a bit. Certain important points were made. Some realizing happened. A step toward progress occured. I cannot truthfully say how much this actually will help since the area of effect is yet small. It is only one area treated. And only a few points out of the many.

There isn't much more I'd like to share at the moment

Distance and Solitude

As I have taken my distance and found my solitude I see that clarity which I've been searching. With taking my distance I've got time to think. Time to understand more and more of the situation. My own situation. I cannot explain how but these recent events have been so familiar. These recent realizations and thoughtless insights are familiar. As if it is nothing new really, but just a reminder. I've not actually found anything new, the answer is yet the same. But somehow it's significance has changed. As if my understanding is greater. I feel the situation even more than before. Is this a growth that has taken place? Do I now see things more clearly? What has changed really? Has there been a change? Most likely something is different. Be it the situation or my perspective. I have dreamt of these things. Dreams that I've had from when I was very young. Sometimes I wonder why I keep remembering these dreams as they take on a reality in my life.

I'm currently reading a quite interesting book. "The Power of Now". It's given me some ideas and things to think about. Presence, mind, body, compulsive thought and such things. A very deep spiritual book. Goes into how you are not your mind. How your mind is a tool of which you could become a slave to. And how society is based and built up around your mind. He brings up suffering from a different aspect than you normaly see it. What suffering really is. What sin really is. How time does not really exist. That everything is of the present. That time does in fact not really exist as future, past and present but everything is the present. That the past is a stream of memory which is of now. That stress is wanting to be in the future and not in the present. How we want to be somewhere else than we are today. He brings up quite interesting aspects on life. A book I really would recommend to anyone who's least bit interested. Somewhat hard to understand sometimes but really worth it.

Release

As I threw away those memories I found in a box I thought to myself "Why is this still left here?". I was going to give them back but thought that it would only stir up the whole thing again. It would only have situations surface once more which have been submerged in time. Only a faint memory with an annoying but faint reminder. When I think back I can't really remember. For what was was totally and completely lost in bang. Makes me wonder if that chapter ever was true or if it was all an illusion. For nothing shows that an acquaintance ever existed. I wouldn't believe it if others wouldn't remember the same things. While these brief thought enter and exit my mind and I throw those items away. With a following near silence. Surrounded by complete silence I hear those last cracks fall apart and a following great smile. A feeling of relief. As if released from those heavy chains. That's what I call painful sentiments.

Further on I go on about my life I realize yet again that there are up stirred feelings. That everything isn't okay in anothers life. That peoples problems are again pressing them down. Unable to really say anything of any worth I could only reply in a passive manner.

After feeling completely helpless and insufficient I went about as normal placing my thoughts into different matters I stumble upon another friend. As our conversation progresses I find myself in a similar position. "Have any of my efforts showed any progress at all?" I think to myself before the question is answered. Angerly I was answered in such a way it seemed that any efforts made have been completely useless. That nothing has had any worth. That the situation is same and that nothing seems to change this fact.

Hearing these things I think angerly to myself a great deal of thoughts. A urge to completely give up spreads throughout the whole body. What is the real cause to this all? Being to tired to handle the situation I left it to another time. These actions might have great negative impact on the future.

Worry

Right now I can't really do anything about it. I am worrying. For a deal of things. I am wondering over certain behaviour. Currently holding in words that so eagerly want to get out. Should these words be let out or should they still be bound? With further thought I ask myself, why do 'i feel this urge to let these specific thoughts out? To what good and what gain?

What is it really that compelles me? Is it those thoughts around me which has me thinking in these lines or is it more something which I by myself feel? I'm thinking it's a bit of both. Recent feelings and recent opinions have brought me here. And not to forget recent events.

These three things have me where I am. Wanting to let out certain thoughts to certain people but not knowing which alternative is best.

Happiness and Pain

As I myself experience a happiness, I see those in my surroundings who are in pain. And they're in pain for various reasons. Some with reasons I can help. Others in which I am quite powerless. I can always be there to back them all up and I can always give my support. But there is little I can do to actually help the situations. For there are many in need and I am but one. I am only one to help. What I would need is to put my own life on hold to fully put all my energy on finding solutions for these problems one by one. Long term solutions. Something that will truly help, not just give a temporary confidence boost. Still I wonder to myself, why all this pain? Where is it all coming from? Is there really any reason for it all? As I ponder over these things my person tells me that is something out of my control. That I am not meant to be the hero who saves everybody from their problems. I am but the support to help them achieve it themselves. That it is not my mission to fix all their problems. My mission is to help them fix their own problems. I'm to give the support I can. As these thoughts surface to my conscious self I wonder. Are they strong enough? Could they really do this yet? Are they really ready to deal with it all? To actually make their own progress.

I couldn't say at this point. Maybe they just need enlightenment? Maybe they just need to be given the strength which the task requires? How does one give another such strength?

Responsability

There has been a lot going on. There still is. There probably still will be. Just how should one keep up with everyone and everything aswell as oneself? I see these situations and I'm guessing some of them might be getting dangerous. I'll just have to keep watching them like a hawk. See which is in more need. To prioretize correctly not leaving any room for neglect.

Once you find yourself with nothing to do you've obviously missed something...