Life goes on

Once again I'm sitting here with my other life in Vasa. Right now looking back on what was. Those people who are missing. Those who were a big part of last year. To think people missing from a scene can make all that difference. As I think of them missing I also think of those who are now in their place, only a few years younger. I don't know what to think about that. It's not the same anymore. There's such a big part missing. It's too big to forget about. But then again, why stay stuck in the past? As time moves on people come and go. Some stay longer than others but in the end they all leave one way or the other.

I don't know what to say about my new room mates. They're so different from my previous ones. And different from each other as well. I don't really like the situation to be frank. But that's one thing I'll just have to cope with.

Change is inevitable...

Rough Roads

I guess you shouldn't be surprised really. Something's always bound to happen sooner or later. You'll always find a rough road here and there. Sometimes your method of getting past doesn't work as smoothly as usual or expected. You could say my gameplan wasn't that great for this event. My cargo was too fragile and so it seemed to have broken. The condition is yet unconfirmed for it wasn't looked at enough. Just kind of left for dead? I'm not at ease leaving things like this. Completely unnecessary. Should at least leave it at an angle that's workable? Wouldn't that be best?

I'll just have to go on and see if there might be any more options later on.

Ghosts of the Past

As I went about with my work my mind once again raced through a series of thoughts. I realized that the time of relaxation is soon to be over. Even though I haven't felt very relaxed really. I don't feel like this time has helped me very much at all. When I think about it this summer hasn't really been all that great. There's been loads of stuff going on and problems everywhere. No real rest. No vehicle so it's been hard to get around. I haven't been with all the people I wanted to be with.

A mere week and reality's back again. The world once again starts and there will be other things which occupy the mind, hopefully. Being here for this lenght of time has given me a clearer view of the reality of today. Of what has become of that which was. A sad truth indeed. Mere words don't seem to be able to penetrate those blocks. The gates seem to be shut tightly. Such ignorance. Pathetic really.

When thinking of what is waiting I start to see them. A continuation of those closed chapters. Imagining what is waiting. In my thoughts I then see them, the Ghosts of the Past. Playing with my mind. Showing me unpleasant things. Things which are very unlikely though. I sencerely doubt these events truly could play out yet the feeling is still there as if they really are.

Camporee

After being gone a week from everyday life I've come to see different things. Things that are somewhat amusing but still very missplaced. It's made me wonder how you can missplace such a thing on such an unfitting person and not realize how wrong it really is? And on the other side you see something happening that is as bullseye as it gets. Such powerful words with a impressively good bodylanguage. Some familiar moments within this unfamiliar moment. Just like if I've been here before doing this exact things seeing the exact things and thinking the exact same thoughts. Something very familiar with the whole experience.

Still one may wonder what really happened and why?
Does simple explanations not suffice any more?

Ascension

As certain transformation is made, some ascensions take place. As one's understanding evolves and grows deeper, one's mind ascends even higher to an even higher level than before. To another class entirely. When looking into the situation from a third person view I realize my relations to others have changed. It's not the same as it used to. We are no longer on the same level. Where I have seen little change in others, I have found great change in myself. The way my mind works is so different from previous years. Previous months even. It seems to change faster than anyone is able to comprehend. No one seems to see that change. Nobody seems to notice. This being said I haven't really done anything to show anybody. Not that I'm hiding anything but I'm not doing anything special to show it. Nor should I have to.

But if I never do, will anybody acknowledge me for me and not who I was?

Contemplations and Realisations

So here I am, back in Ireland. First time in 4 years or so. Things really do change in time. I've met my new cousin and those other cousins which lived abroad last time I was over. But to my disliking I've managed to grow apart from the rest of the lads. To me they don't seem to have changed at all. It's a pity really, would have liked to meet someone more my age. But then again I've found that I fit better in with the adults. But the only problem is that they usually speak about thing which I don't really have a say in. Like people and the olden days and that kind of stuff. Not really anything I would know much about. So then there is another problem. But the discussions we have had have been nice.

The last visitors thought I certainly was a Murphy. Which means I'm more like my mother than my father. But that didn't really surprise me that much either. I've apparently got the most Murphy in me of all the Kongaris. Don't know if that's a good thing or not but let's just take it as a compliment. I asked in what way but she couldn't answer. She said there was just something about me.

A feeling of home in a place where you feel that you're not really home. Now isn't that a strange feeling?

Little child

There is no adult in there, there is no sign of maturity. Only a little child dwells inside that mind. The man which may be there is still asleep. For the behaviour of a man doesn't surface very often. I am often met by the child within. That little child with little control over his feelings. This little child which can't control himself, or just doesn't even try to. He goes on with his childish games. His childish games and his childish way of thought. I see not a man nor a woman. I see a child. A person with many insecurities and a will to appear big and strong. But the simple truth is that this is not a reality. This person is nor man or woman. This person might not even be a person. This might not have with the actual person to do. Yet it is so close to the person one might think it is the person. As I ponder over the situation, analysing it's different aspects. I see a pattern. Caused by an insecure and fragile self. One which biggest fear is to appear weak. Hiding behind a mask this person tries to be something else. Something better. For this person knows that it is weak. This organism knows it is vulnerable to many things. Since a small change in situation and surroundings the organism changes mood. It's mind easily gets hurt. A whole lot of whining all the time. Problems with people are not said out loud. The responsible person for anything might notice that something is wrong, but it is never said what is wrong. There are hints here and there but the real truth is never revealed. This round and round and round problems is nothing but a nuisance. There doesn't seem to be any upside to it. The problem may never be revealed. The person might not understand what the signs are pointing at for they are many and not very specific. It is up to the person receiving these signs who determine if the message comes across or not. If the person in the receiving end understands how the sending party works, the person might get the exact message and understand what's going on. But never being completely certain. And that is the whole reason of this game. To cause uncertainty. To make it as though the answer is there but you just don't see it. To make the problem seem as completely obvious though it is in fact hidden behind the mist of dis functioning communication.

The problem with this is that the person practicing such behaviour is very unstable. Very unstable to the core. It feels threatened and so it feels the need to make the other part feel threatened to itself feel more secure. But what if the person under siege doesn't feel threatened. What if the other part is too stable to feel the impact of such an unstable attack? What happens to an insecure army with low moral who fears the opposing force when the opposing force feels no threat and feels secure and doesn't feel any fear towards the attacking army. Having a very high moral they do not freeze in battle for they are sure of themselves while the attacking army continuously keeps freezing because of it's fear. The secure army will surely eliminate the attacking army without further difficulty or casualties. And the defenders fend of the invaders quickly and easily and they are still strong as a whole.