Who really decides what's right and wrong? Who is it that tells us how we ought to be? Where's the difference between something being wrong with you and just being plain different from others? We feel the pressure, we feel we ought to follow the norms of society. On many points we are all different from the norms. No matter how "normal" we consider ourselves or others to be we are all different from these expectations. We don't fill them for they are not always natural. Some things people consider to be obvious while others think those things are completely irrational. Some people see that they are different in some areas and wonder: "What is wrong with me? Why do I or do I not also feel like this?
Some times I wonder really what I should just consider to be something different and what I should consider to be "a defect". Being who I am, I often find that most of my thoughts and ways are odd and quite misunderstood by most people, I don't know when I should consider things to be something. I am careful to judge because I know that people have thoughts that are completely logical to the person thinking those thoughts, but to an outside observer they might seem a bit strange. Usually I just accept that it's just the way things are. People have strange thoughts and look at things in a strange way because of their own unique mind which takes them through a different thought pattern. They have their own logic behind the way they look at things.
It's not for me to judge.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Read
“Given all the things I’m doing that have disappointed you, I’m hoping you won’t just see this as another excuse or a way of manipulating you, both of which I’m very capable of doing and during other times have even been a master at.
In fact I’ve been so good at doing both of those, I’m afraid to tell you what I’m about to and have you think I’m just being dramatic and only trying to get attention or get out of taking responsibility for my actions and paying the consequences for them.
Today, I have a little bigger fish to fry.
I’m losing it. I’m losing my mind, my sense of who I am, of where I belong, and I’m spending more and more time wondering if life is worth living.
I know I don’t have any reason to feel like ending it, I know that so many people have it worse than me, I even know that I have all the reasons to live. I just don’t feel any of them.
I hate hating you more than I hate you. When I hate you at the level I’m capable of hating you I feel like destroying things. That has escalated and finally shifted to thinking of just destroying me.
But in reality, I don’t want to destroy anything, I just want to destroy the pain I feel and make it go away. But it won’t go away and I can’t make it.
The reasons I drink, do drugs and cut on myself — all of which scare the shit out of you — are because they all relieve me. When I’m stone cold sober and drug free and the pain and the craziness intensifies, all I can think about is numbing myself. I don’t do alcohol and drugs to get high, I do them to get by.
And when I cut on myself, which terrorizes you, I feel like I’m cutting out the pain or at the very least that I’m feeling something. And that gives me relief from the pain of feeling nothing.
Assuming you won’t rub my face in this — which might actually wake me up or push me over the edge, but I don’t think you want to play Russian roulette with me — you’ll probably ask me what you can do to help.
And I wish I had an answer to tell you.
Actually the answer I’d like to tell you, I am telling you by telling you this message and hoping you’ll “just listen.”
I think the hole in my being and the missingness at my core needs warmth from you mom — occasional kindness from pathetic, rational, lecturing, clueless dad is not the same — which I either think you can’t get to because all of us — including dad — fight you or because you no longer have any warmth, either because you didn’t get it from grandma or because it got worn out by all of us.
Dad, you’re not off the hook in this. I think you run interference between mom and me and try to keep the peace and then I think you find your home away from home when you get away to go to work or travel for work or play sports with your buddies.
Maybe a start would be if I saw each of you making the effort to understand me especially when you have no chance of really achieving it.
There is a good chance that neither of you will be able to understand me because I am as different from you as you are from each other, but it might help if I saw you continuing to try and continuing to ask or say things to me like:
‘Tell me what’s happening and how you feel in another way, because I see that I’m not getting it and I want to get it. And then tell me at its worst, what that’s like.’
And if I push you away, you might do well to stand firm and say, ‘We can’t go away because as your parents we can’t allow you to feel so alone in hell and we’ve got to do whatever we can to get you out. Sorry to tick you off, it’s in the parents rule book which you’ll figure out when you become one.’ One of my friend’s parents actually sleeps outside her room on the floor which my friend both resents and feels safer with.
More importantly I think it might help if I saw you not getting so frustrated and throwing your hands up, because I keep pushing back and won’t agree to what you think should make me feel better. Going along with it to get you off my back hasn’t worked and actually makes me feel worse.
I think I can live with the pain, I just can’t live with suffering. I think the suffering happens when I feel alone in my pain for a long period of time and it doesn’t let up.
I think if I could feel less alone from the inside out, I could listen to what you and the world are telling me from the outside it.
Feeling alone is feeling that I am unpaired with what everyone seems to have.
Being unpaired with a future worth living causes me to feel hopeless; being unpaired with any help that I or others can provide causes me to feel helpless; being unpaired with a reason to go on causes me to feel that everything is both pointless and meaningless; and being unpaired with doing or accomplishing all the things I’m supposedly capable of causes me to feel worthless.
And feeling unpaired with all of those things cause me to feel des-pair.
I feel like I am trapped in a deep dark cold mine shaft, have run out of food and water and am running out of oxygen and time.
I keep hearing people digging to find me. I hear them thinking they have found me and are all excited. But what I know that they don’t know is that they’re digging in the wrong direction because one of them got a glimpse of a doll in a different mine shaft that I left there many years ago and everyone thinks it’s me.”
In fact I’ve been so good at doing both of those, I’m afraid to tell you what I’m about to and have you think I’m just being dramatic and only trying to get attention or get out of taking responsibility for my actions and paying the consequences for them.
Today, I have a little bigger fish to fry.
I’m losing it. I’m losing my mind, my sense of who I am, of where I belong, and I’m spending more and more time wondering if life is worth living.
I know I don’t have any reason to feel like ending it, I know that so many people have it worse than me, I even know that I have all the reasons to live. I just don’t feel any of them.
I have felt alone for some time now. It hasn’t been a few days or even a few weeks. It’s been at least months.
Also the intensity of rage that I feel not only chills you — which I know is why you back off when it gets really ugly between us — it chills me.I hate hating you more than I hate you. When I hate you at the level I’m capable of hating you I feel like destroying things. That has escalated and finally shifted to thinking of just destroying me.
But in reality, I don’t want to destroy anything, I just want to destroy the pain I feel and make it go away. But it won’t go away and I can’t make it.
The reasons I drink, do drugs and cut on myself — all of which scare the shit out of you — are because they all relieve me. When I’m stone cold sober and drug free and the pain and the craziness intensifies, all I can think about is numbing myself. I don’t do alcohol and drugs to get high, I do them to get by.
And when I cut on myself, which terrorizes you, I feel like I’m cutting out the pain or at the very least that I’m feeling something. And that gives me relief from the pain of feeling nothing.
Assuming you won’t rub my face in this — which might actually wake me up or push me over the edge, but I don’t think you want to play Russian roulette with me — you’ll probably ask me what you can do to help.
And I wish I had an answer to tell you.
Actually the answer I’d like to tell you, I am telling you by telling you this message and hoping you’ll “just listen.”
I think the hole in my being and the missingness at my core needs warmth from you mom — occasional kindness from pathetic, rational, lecturing, clueless dad is not the same — which I either think you can’t get to because all of us — including dad — fight you or because you no longer have any warmth, either because you didn’t get it from grandma or because it got worn out by all of us.
Dad, you’re not off the hook in this. I think you run interference between mom and me and try to keep the peace and then I think you find your home away from home when you get away to go to work or travel for work or play sports with your buddies.
Maybe a start would be if I saw each of you making the effort to understand me especially when you have no chance of really achieving it.
There is a good chance that neither of you will be able to understand me because I am as different from you as you are from each other, but it might help if I saw you continuing to try and continuing to ask or say things to me like:
‘Tell me what’s happening and how you feel in another way, because I see that I’m not getting it and I want to get it. And then tell me at its worst, what that’s like.’
And if I push you away, you might do well to stand firm and say, ‘We can’t go away because as your parents we can’t allow you to feel so alone in hell and we’ve got to do whatever we can to get you out. Sorry to tick you off, it’s in the parents rule book which you’ll figure out when you become one.’ One of my friend’s parents actually sleeps outside her room on the floor which my friend both resents and feels safer with.
More importantly I think it might help if I saw you not getting so frustrated and throwing your hands up, because I keep pushing back and won’t agree to what you think should make me feel better. Going along with it to get you off my back hasn’t worked and actually makes me feel worse.
I think I can live with the pain, I just can’t live with suffering. I think the suffering happens when I feel alone in my pain for a long period of time and it doesn’t let up.
I think if I could feel less alone from the inside out, I could listen to what you and the world are telling me from the outside it.
Feeling alone is feeling that I am unpaired with what everyone seems to have.
Being unpaired with a future worth living causes me to feel hopeless; being unpaired with any help that I or others can provide causes me to feel helpless; being unpaired with a reason to go on causes me to feel that everything is both pointless and meaningless; and being unpaired with doing or accomplishing all the things I’m supposedly capable of causes me to feel worthless.
And feeling unpaired with all of those things cause me to feel des-pair.
I feel like I am trapped in a deep dark cold mine shaft, have run out of food and water and am running out of oxygen and time.
I keep hearing people digging to find me. I hear them thinking they have found me and are all excited. But what I know that they don’t know is that they’re digging in the wrong direction because one of them got a glimpse of a doll in a different mine shaft that I left there many years ago and everyone thinks it’s me.”
Monday, February 14, 2011
Dead Eyes
When I look into those eyes I feel uneasy. When I look into those eyes I feel as though something is wrong, but I can't quite get it. As the uneasiness grows I am compelled to look away. When I look back I see who's face those eyes belong to, that's what's wrong.
Those eyes don't go to that face. Those are the eyes of a dead person.
Those eyes don't go to that face. Those are the eyes of a dead person.
Monday, January 24, 2011
That gaze
Oh what a gaze. What a gaze. As if it saw right through you. As if there where no secrets. Nothing could hide from that gaze. As if that gaze saw precisely everything. Those eyes seemed to see everything.
How could they be so piercing?
How could they be so piercing?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Hidden and lost
I realized today that I sleep a lot better now since we came back from the Philippines. But also I've realized more things which are more or less sad. Sad truths about how things really are. Mostly about me. Now I'm wondering, has these things just been suppressed earlier or is it something new. My analysis says that it's maybe a bit of both.
I really need to change these things. And when I think about it I am quite clear about what needs to be done. Now the challenge is getting those things done. But I worry about the success of my plans. If they really will make things better or if they'll only make things worse. Things can go both ways. I just have too little faith in that course of action. Don't really believe it will change for the better. Which hinders me from taking that course of action. But we'll have to see. It still feels as though that is supposed to be done. This is a situation when logic and intuition conflicts with each other.
I myself have to make certain changes and I know what they are. It seems to me as though I have lost a part of myself and I need to retrieve it once again. There is a part of me that's hidden which I miss. And I'm sure others do to. At least there are some people who do.
I really need to change these things. And when I think about it I am quite clear about what needs to be done. Now the challenge is getting those things done. But I worry about the success of my plans. If they really will make things better or if they'll only make things worse. Things can go both ways. I just have too little faith in that course of action. Don't really believe it will change for the better. Which hinders me from taking that course of action. But we'll have to see. It still feels as though that is supposed to be done. This is a situation when logic and intuition conflicts with each other.
I myself have to make certain changes and I know what they are. It seems to me as though I have lost a part of myself and I need to retrieve it once again. There is a part of me that's hidden which I miss. And I'm sure others do to. At least there are some people who do.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Complications
There always is something going on. Usually more than one thing at a time. Is it not personal directly someone close to you is hurting which makes it personal. People hurt each other. Say things they don't mean. Say things which makes one worry. Being gone really erased these memories. Let me live life more or less without all these things in my mind. Where I could focus solely on what conserned only myself and those involved. I wasn't bothered by the problems of my near and dear. As if a great weight was lifted. Soon after coming home I once again realized that things are not all okay here. There are so many big problems going on.
Why is everything so complicated? Really, what's the big deal. Why do people screw things up all the time like this (including myself). It's so unnecessary! If we only were capable of being more honest with each other. Wouldn't things move more smoothely? I mean if people knew what was what, could they not make a wiser decision than to run around in circles in the desert looking for answers which they know won't be found yet still continuing to run around? Sometimes I get sick of seeing it happen right in front of me.
What probably hurts the most is to look at the people you know being those people. Those keeping the answers away from people. So that the others all run around lost together with no idea. How could they do such things. I mean it's down right cruel and still they do it. Why? People who've always been considered by me to be good people.
Makes me wonder. Do people keep this useful kind of information secret from me aswell? Are people as dishonest with me as they are with others? I guess what we all need to do is to look inside of ourselves and look at the truth. Look at what we're really doing to others, how unfair we really are with each other.
There are always complications, many of which are completely unnecessary.
Why is everything so complicated? Really, what's the big deal. Why do people screw things up all the time like this (including myself). It's so unnecessary! If we only were capable of being more honest with each other. Wouldn't things move more smoothely? I mean if people knew what was what, could they not make a wiser decision than to run around in circles in the desert looking for answers which they know won't be found yet still continuing to run around? Sometimes I get sick of seeing it happen right in front of me.
What probably hurts the most is to look at the people you know being those people. Those keeping the answers away from people. So that the others all run around lost together with no idea. How could they do such things. I mean it's down right cruel and still they do it. Why? People who've always been considered by me to be good people.
Makes me wonder. Do people keep this useful kind of information secret from me aswell? Are people as dishonest with me as they are with others? I guess what we all need to do is to look inside of ourselves and look at the truth. Look at what we're really doing to others, how unfair we really are with each other.
There are always complications, many of which are completely unnecessary.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Back to Finland
I can't really say that I'm that thrilled being back. I can't say much has changed. People are all the same, nothing seems to have happened while I was gone. I can already feel myself falling into the same routines as earlier. To the same state of mind and the same person looking for solitude.
Weekend has come and I don't really know what to do. I'm already bored again. Nothing to do really. People are all going home or are busy with other things. It's kind of sad when you think about it.
Weekend has come and I don't really know what to do. I'm already bored again. Nothing to do really. People are all going home or are busy with other things. It's kind of sad when you think about it.
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