It's been in me for quite some time now. I've felt how it wants to come out. Finally it has started showing itself. Finally I have a chance to let it go.
No one will see it, probably. I wouldn't want to show it. There's just no one to show it to. You might see the one half but never the other. That's just the way it is. Maybe things will change in the future, but now there's no chance.
I found myself in yet another situation in which I don't want to be. It pains me constantly. I just want the pain to stop, why can't it just stop?
It pains me to see, it pains me to hear, it pains me to feel. It's so dark, I'm having a hard time seeing the light. Apparently it's become rather shy.
At this point in time it's no secret, how I wish it was. If it was a secret I'm sure it would hurt less.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
You are not there
There are no words. There are no tears to be wept. There is not much left.
We can continue pretending, or we could stop. I don't want to pretend, but so few want the truth. I keep wondering whether or not there is anyone out there who can handle the truth.
Telling anyone is more or less out of the question. There is no one I can trust. There is no one I could talk to. I'm in this alone.
That's how it feels...
We can continue pretending, or we could stop. I don't want to pretend, but so few want the truth. I keep wondering whether or not there is anyone out there who can handle the truth.
Telling anyone is more or less out of the question. There is no one I can trust. There is no one I could talk to. I'm in this alone.
That's how it feels...
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Pathetic
It's been a while now since I felt it. I'm starting to forget. It's starting to disappear. It feels like "the movie" is about to end and there'll be a great revelation at the end and suddenly everything will make sense. I understand that it's not going to be the case, at least not in the manner I described it, because such things don't happen in real life.
So much has disappeared, completely lost. It's all being wiped out, every last trace. The only remains are pathetic. It's all worthless really.
That door has been locked for a long time. The beast has been controlled. It hasn't been out in a very long time. I can sense feelings arising from here and there and none of them are pleasant ones. It's all my fault, whichever way you look at it, it's all me.
It has come to my attention that the more I understand the better I handle it. Knowing the enemy has it's benefits. It's also important to know your allies. Though the enemy might be dangerous and strong, one must always remember the allies who are behind you giving you their full support.
You can always think about what way one should have done things differently to get a more desirable result but then again you probably weren't smart enough to have come up with it yourself.
Is there anything positive left?
Things don't change. More and more I see the same things repeat, both in others and in myself. The little pride that's left is struggling to keep the ceiling from falling down upon us. Maybe pride is the only thing keeping us from going under.
The shame never ends.
The door is open only a little, it's hard to determine whether or not it's opening or closing. The only thing that's sure is that death is still present. The black chains choke even more than before. It's bleeding due to the pressure of the chains.
They feel threatened for they know their days are numbered.
If only I weren't so exhausted, it wouldn't show and everyone would be a lot happier, at least everyone else. That's the only thing that matters anyway.
You could never understand, because you could never care.
So much has disappeared, completely lost. It's all being wiped out, every last trace. The only remains are pathetic. It's all worthless really.
That door has been locked for a long time. The beast has been controlled. It hasn't been out in a very long time. I can sense feelings arising from here and there and none of them are pleasant ones. It's all my fault, whichever way you look at it, it's all me.
It has come to my attention that the more I understand the better I handle it. Knowing the enemy has it's benefits. It's also important to know your allies. Though the enemy might be dangerous and strong, one must always remember the allies who are behind you giving you their full support.
You can always think about what way one should have done things differently to get a more desirable result but then again you probably weren't smart enough to have come up with it yourself.
Is there anything positive left?
Things don't change. More and more I see the same things repeat, both in others and in myself. The little pride that's left is struggling to keep the ceiling from falling down upon us. Maybe pride is the only thing keeping us from going under.
The shame never ends.
The door is open only a little, it's hard to determine whether or not it's opening or closing. The only thing that's sure is that death is still present. The black chains choke even more than before. It's bleeding due to the pressure of the chains.
They feel threatened for they know their days are numbered.
If only I weren't so exhausted, it wouldn't show and everyone would be a lot happier, at least everyone else. That's the only thing that matters anyway.
You could never understand, because you could never care.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Insomnia
It's really become a problem. It's even worse than it was. I fear I might soon find myself back in that same spot I was a while back. I remember it fairly well. The problem is finding and maintaining sleep. I'm not having any particular thoughts before bedtime so it's not that. I don't know what exactly is causing this insomnia.
It's about four hours till I'm leaving for school and I'm not tired enough to be able to sleep. I mean I am tired but not sleepy. What a pain.
Also I hear the people coming home from the bar.
It's about four hours till I'm leaving for school and I'm not tired enough to be able to sleep. I mean I am tired but not sleepy. What a pain.
Also I hear the people coming home from the bar.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Driven Insane
Not these weeks have passed. Christmas isn't for roughly another 11 month's. It's a new year. I'm still the same. For me there haven't been any changes. I'm still just as tired as I was before. Though we have had a long break I don't feel like ever having the possibility to truly relax.
I've been alone for far too long. Haven't had enough contact with people. I've felt really isolated. A miserable couple of weeks. I'm not saying that there hasn't been these nice moments in time during these weeks, I'm just saying they don't compensate for all the unwanted alone time.
I waited for so long for this only to end up without the benefits.
I've been alone for far too long. Haven't had enough contact with people. I've felt really isolated. A miserable couple of weeks. I'm not saying that there hasn't been these nice moments in time during these weeks, I'm just saying they don't compensate for all the unwanted alone time.
I waited for so long for this only to end up without the benefits.
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Within these walls
Saturday, December 24, 2011
A Matter of Meaning
I mean why bother? That will never be reality, not in this lifetime anyway.
At this point in time it's meaningless.
I noticed that the reactions have payed off. Just now I noticed that a few people had ticked off what they had thought on some of my posts.
At this point in time it's meaningless.
I noticed that the reactions have payed off. Just now I noticed that a few people had ticked off what they had thought on some of my posts.
Something was given, but wasn't nearly as good as I had hoped... Sorry
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