How things change

I've been busy. I've gone through lots since the last time I wrote. As some of you may already know I'm currently living in Närpes. I'm working as a youth leader and it's great. I can't say I've ever felt so alive. So much has changed, I can't begin to explain.

The Pain of the Doctors Scalpel

It cut me, and I can still feel the blade sinking into me. I can still feel the blade cutting me. It hurt, it hurt a lot. Afterwards there felt as though there was something missing, but that felt good somehow. There was a part of me that finally left and now it is no longer controlling me. 


Though it feels good that it's gone, there are still some drawbacks in this imperfect world. I fear that understanding won't be there. I fear that as it was good to have done, there was a big sacrifice being made at the same time. A sacrifice one has to make in order to make things better. It's all a means to an end, but also it's the right thing to do. I am indeed sure this is the right thing to do.


I can really feel how there is something missing from my former self. After the operation I can feel that what was is no more. Somehow I wonder whether it was the operation itself which removed it or if it was my own mind which created the illusion by itself.


On this new narrow path I've found myself on I've come to find things difficult yet again, but this time it feels right. It's difficult, but in a completely new way. 


One does not feel alone in the dark any more. 
One does not have to be alone any more. 
One does not need to be guarded any more. 
One can once again open the gates.


Death has no dominion over me any more.

Revelation

It's been a while since it felt so good. It's been some time since I could say I have experienced true happiness. I'm not sure if it's ever felt so good inside before. These past days have been magnificent. I have come to think of lots of things, I've seen lots of things, experienced lots of things. I've come to realize that there is a place for me in this world after all. I've noticed that there is a lot I could and should do. I've made lots of progress, done things that have been very hard before.


Though there has been a lot of good, there has been put some light upon some bad things. Something I've thought about many times, over and over. Every now and then there comes these thoughts which I'd rather not have.


There's been something on my mind that I haven't wanted to confront. Something that I know I have do to something about sooner or later. I've been scared of the possible consequences of making this decision. This thing is all about me and my life. It's something I feel has limited my progress. I feel as though it is one of the factors contributing to the troubles I've had.


I need to make a change, I've understood that for a long time. I know now what needs to change. I've decided to make this change. Though I worry it might be hard.


There are things that have been trying to show themselves to me, I just haven't given them a chance. 

Potential

Sometimes I get around to thinking about myself. I think about who I was. I think about who I am. I think about who I wanted to become. I think about all the things I could do, but can't any more. I think about the progress I made, only to regress to something even more pathetic than where I started off. I look at the hopes and dreams I had and how close I was to achieving just that. I walked right into the toxic trap only to slowly fall in decline, losing almost all hope I had.

I wonder if the potential ever was there. I wonder if there still is potential or if that's just what I've been telling myself all these years to keep myself floating. I wonder if there is anyone else who sees that potential or if that's just another figment of my imagination.

There was a light, there was that one candle in the dark. I can't see the light anymore, has someone blown out the candle?

Undesirable Change

Time flies and I'm just floating, barely aware. It's getting harder and harder to keep track of time, there's no point in getting up every morning. I hit a speed bump hard and I've almost stopped. That which I want is no longer within my grasp, at least not now. 


We discovered a mistake, a big one indeed. One could say that it is more uncertain now than ever before. I'm sure there's a place for me there but I'm not sure that's what I want to do. 


I wonder, is there anything  left?

The Wanting

There are things that I want, things that I can't have. 

There are things that I want to do, things that I can't.

There are things I want to be different, but they aren't

Death is stalking him

I've had lots of thoughts these past few days, specific thoughts. Not the usual ones. 


I see how death surrounds him. It's a firm grasp. His heart bleeds. The end seems to be closing in. He closes his eyes and fears he won't open them again. 


The fear binds. It's sad how we let ourselves fall into submission. They have no real power over us, why do we keep on giving them power over us? We all know they're lead is bad for everyone.


That which is right is also hard. You know you've been on a right path but somewhere along you found the path to painful. You do what you can to inspire something good, but it is not inspiring. It doesn't inspire people. Advantage is what they take. 


There is no love for us, we need to disappear. We need to leave, this place is no longer our home. 


Time and time again I find myself saying there are no words to describe. Maybe it's not quite true, maybe there are words to describe. Only I dear not utter them. I dear not speak of such things. I dear not say what really needs to be said.


We can trust no one. Some of us don't trust anyone, others trust some. We are all in pain, we shall not wait for you anymore. You have left, never to return. Though something tells me you were never there. You never existed. It was all in our imagination. 


It's all turned now. It's all different. The red hot burning rage is no longer. It's fallen into a dark pit. It's sees ghosts. It's haunted by memories. It's lying down on the ground in the dark. Afraid there won't be any salvation. It's become pale and stiff. There is barely any signs of life in those eyes. 


Those eyes scream out in silent pain. That voice stutters along when speaking. The tongue twists in discomfort. The hands tremble in fear. 


There is no welcome any longer.