Complexities

That which determines the complexity of a person is layers. How many layers that are active at a certain individual. Different layers surface when different circumstances emerge. I thought to myself that it is only certain layers that are active at the moment and that is the reason for my mood. The reason why I feel like I currently do. This paranoid part of me emerges when I feel like this. When this happens all sorts of strange and unreasonable thoughts keep popping up. A strange discomfort arises in the most unrelated circumstances. I usually think to myself: "Why do I get these thoughts in the first place? " and later try to get rid of it when I realize the stupidity in the whole yolk.

Tonight I kept waking up all the time at the strangest of hours. After only 2-3 hours of sleep I woke up wondering: "Why am I not asleep?" and tried to sleep again. But because of my strange dreams I kept waking up. And when the time came to actually get up I felt no will whatsoever to even try and get up. Eventually I got up and hurried to school.

Tired as I was I accidentally took the wrong bag to class and realized this only in the middle of the lesson. At the break I got my own bag and put the other bag back where I thought I took it from. Then it was time for my presentation. The things I wrote down on the paper were good enough but I didn't really know what to spend the remaining 4 minutes talking about. But I spoke a bit about my guitar and that I like music and then it was about it. Later I thought of several different ways to continue the presentation and make it a lot more interesting. But since it already gone by I can't really do anything about it.

I've thought about buying a journal where I would start writing down the most intimate of thoughts. Those that I wouldn't dare share with whomever happens to read this blog. Maybe it would help more to ease this feelings and it might be nice later in life to look back over what my thoughts were and see for myself the differences that have come. I might go someday and look for a nice one with a lock. I could start one on the computer but it wouldn't feel safe having it there. I mean anybody could just happen to stumble upon the journal and think they can read and happen to read something I wouldn't want them to see. I could write names instead of the letters I usually choose. It would be much easier than to think of a person and try to find a fitting letter.

I think I'll go find a journal. Maybe I then could look at myself from an outside perspective more efficiently ?