As some blossom, others wither and die

I've been thinking a bit. Since recent times have come to show me new revelations I see how the course of life goes as it usually does. People come and people go. I've seen how my friendships have grown and also how they have withered. To be honest I've lost more than what I've gained. I don't have the same contact with those close as I did before. I'm not anyone's close friend anymore. I have nobody close. There's still this gap between me and my friends. More in some than others. Even those I once had really close have gone further away. Some due to distance and some due to reasons that are mostly unknown to me. But I can understand. It's not completely strange. I mean some I just haven't brought close. I have realized that I am more reluctant to sharing my experiences than before. Now I find it more unpleasant than before to share my most inner thoughts. Nobody knows what goes on inside. Do I really know myself anymore? I don't feel like anything has significantly changed within myself but somehow I don't have the same light on the matter as before. I feel something inside which I cannot identify and no one to share my thoughts on the matter. I have people whom I trust but I just don't have the possibility to actually look into it any further with this person.

I must say it feels a bit lonely, this self imposed solitude. To be so close yet so far away. Always being a second hand friend. I see the possibility to step into the primary friend zone but still the thought strangely puts me at unease. It's just that I don't really feel "at home". But I don't really feel like there's anything that anyone can do about this. But do I really want anyone to do anything in the first place? Is there really anything I want others to do? Do I really want anyone involved? I guess the answer must be no. I don't want people to do anything. I don't want them to know. I want to keep these thoughts and feelings beneath the surface. Instinctively I keep all these thoughts and feelings on the matter to myself. The thing that worries me is that I'm not sharing anything with anybody. Before I've always had someone to share things with. But never everything to everyone. I guess I don't trust most to understand. Most people I "trust" wouldn't understand. Because I guess it's a male phenomena. And I have no male friend which I really trust. Some are not quite knowledgeable others are not quite in tune with me. Unfamiliar to my thought patterns and experiences. And I feel no need to explain my life situation nor do I feel the need to speak of my past.

I want somebody close yet I keep them away because I don't want them close, now isn't that a confusing behavior?