Probability

I am not in here. Even if I tried harder I wouldn't be here. I'm not here nor will I probably ever be. I'm just not meant for here. Even though I try I'm reluctant to participate in the activity of others. It doesn't matter. It's a bit sad not really being there. But I don't fit in. The lack of meaningful conversation and friendships are taking a great toll on me. I am very unhappy. Being surrounded by a crowd yet still being quite alone. Though it is very much my fault for not engaging in anything involving my peers. Though it doesn't seem to matter all that much. They all leave me to my solitude. Though I can't really blame them. I wouldn't say I'm very inviting towards them. All that noise, that meaningless noise. There is absolutely no reason to make so much noise. Sometimes you just want to yell at them and tell them to shut up. But I don't want to make a scene. I don't want to have anything with it to do.

But why would I be? I'm not happy with them. I haven't been in far to long it seems. And I don't see any change in that at all. The future is gloom. Of course it's not all bad. There are those rare occasions when I touch that happiness, the brief feeling of belonging. But these feelings never last.

I asked the school nurse about my sleeping problems. Physically there shouldn't be anything which causes my insomnia. So obviously there's something within the mind which causes it. The school nurse thought I should go to Klaara and talk to someone. I myself am against the thought. But I guess it's worth giving another shot. The psychologists I've met in the past have not been able to pinpoint anything of significance. Nothing that I haven't myself figured out. Then again I probably never gave them enough of a chance to help. I guess bad experiences haunt you. The experiences have made me very skeptical towards psychologists. There doesn't seem to be any good ones. But I guess it's just a matter of taking a proper look. I've been to two places within a years time and both were useless. Klaara sent me to tonårspolikliniken who sent me to two different psychologists which none helped me.

But I guess I'll have to give it another shot.