new experiences

This is one of those times in ones life where they go through loads of new experiences. Recently I've been feeling different feelings. Feelings I've never encountered before. I can only imagine what these feelings are but I dare not say it. But I do feel something new, and wonderful. A deep happiness which I cannot explain. And I know where the source of this happiness is. That's exactly what's making me wonder, could it really be. It makes me uncomfortable to think about it while it still makes me happy. Is this my subconsciousness telling me to not even try to understand it since it will only disappoint me ? Or it it saying not to even bother ?

One might wonder about these things.

Though it makes me wonder if I give these things too much thought. It's not like if it helps me in any way. But the real reason I look in to it so deeply is that I haven't quite got a hold of these feelings. I don't quite understand them which makes me nervous but yet I feel good. Which means these feelings are good but somehow I don't feel as though I don't deserve to be this happy. To feel the way I do. Is this telling me something ? Is there something I've missed ?

I'm thinking yes. There is something. There are Those issues that still needs taking care of. I've taken quite a long break from them and maybe it's time to go back and take care of Those things. I feel a great pull from two directions. This means that there's something still wrong. It must be one of Those issues. But right now there's nothing I can do. I still don't know what it is I can do to fix any of it. There must be something but I don't know what. I will take a look into it in a weeks time.

Wish me luck !

Unexpected Experiences

Have any of you ever felt like it is those unexpected events which are the best ones in ones life ? Would any of you agree if I said that where the case ? I experienced something I never had expected. It was one of those things you don't see coming until they are already there and there is nothing going to stop it from happening. Yesterday was one of those times in my life where I experienced it. Since I caught my eye on you I felt something special that you were going to make a lot of change. And so you have. Not only happiness but something of even greater importance. Something that will help me in my pursuit. I saw solution in your eyes when you looked into mine. There was something you saw which I saw you see. I have felt you having the capacity to understand me and my person but in such a way was so unexpected I was too dazzled to even make out a sentence. I felt as though I was in a certain trance. Not understanding the situation I was scarred yet I felt safe.. Things from the depth of my person was revealed even to me as I had never seen it in such a way before.

I can't explain this in words because it was so different somehow. As I opened myself up for you to see, I saw what you saw as if you where the mirror showing me my person and myself. I somehow felt as if I saw myself so clearly even though you didn't really understand much of what you saw. I felt as though it was showing everything. I got out of my shell and saw myself from the outside. I cannot really saw I liked everything I saw since it was there that which I want to get rid of. But that's okay. I believe it was good for me to see what I did and good for you to see since then you got the chance to understand me at such a level it may help me find the answers I'm looking for.

I told you to dazzle me and so you did. More than would have expected since you didn't know how. I told you to try different things to find that which I would find dazzling. You dazzled me many times over and so I was completely paralyzed by that dazzling experience. I truly am grateful for this. My feelings have extended beyond the previous limits as there are many good factors which I never before have dealt with. All which I believe are good in many ways. I am truly grateful for having you in my life. It feels as if you will bring great fortune despite what might happen.

People who effect your life in such a positive way makes one wonder, are they really human or are they in fact angels for they seem to open the path one must see for them selves not having anyone to tell them where to go.

Unexpected experiences, aren't they really the greatest of all ?

One of Those days

Today hasn't really been to great. My mind has been on one of Those matters and a small exchange of words changed the course of my mood. I was quite happy before I took the liberty of asking advise of someone who might have answers. Some of the things told were some of those with deep and powerful emotions attached. When pondering upon those things it wasn't too difficult or sensitive. But when thoughts leave the mind and into words they may feel a lot different than anticipated. It was a lot harder and felt more real. Caring really can take its toll on you.

The whole day was a bit miserable from that point on. I didn't really feel like speaking to anybody and just lay down in a corner and isolate myself from all the rest. The following lesson was a real pain. To have to sit and listen and look interested when one just wanted to go home quickly and get away from everybody. During the lesson I started to feel a bit ill and got a headache. After the agonizing lesson I went and got a panadol pore and got something to drink. Then I ate some bread. I didn't really feel like eating anything at that time. While I was sitting at the table they noticed I wasn't feeling well and as I told them about my headache I got a massage from certain someone which was quite nice. It was relaxing and so the headache lifted a bit and I was feeling better both mentally and physically. After her departing I sat there with the company of my two older friends. My guess would be that I wasn't very fun to be with because of my still upset mood. After a while I realized that I had to get going if I was going to come in time for maths. I got there about a minute late. But after a while I started to focus more on maths and less on my pondering. Then it felt a bit better and I was getting more relieved. But near the end of the lesson I was just waiting to get going because I felt this urge to go and play some guitar at school. So after getting back to the apartment I left my school-stuff and took my guitar and my music papers and got going.

At school people had assembled since they were going bowling. I could've gone with them but I didn't feel like being around so many people so I decided to follow my original intentions. So I went inside and went to the music room. I then played about an hour. It was exactly what was needed. After my little session I felt good. Like all the negative energy just floated away and the calm after the storm came and so I was at peace again.

Now I know what must be done. I just need to find the answers and then take the best shot I got. What could possibly go wrong ?

Happiness

We have just had a few days of. It has been nice and it is over to fast as well. I would have enjoyed the whole week of instead of only the two days but sure, one shouldn't complain. Two days is better than nothing. But I still feel as though I need a few more days of to prepare mentally for school. Even though one doesn't put a lot of energy on the school subjects ones energy is still drained from being in school. It must be the lack of motivation.

Anyways I feel more stable. Everything around me is stabilizing and I feel more sure of things even though I'm not sure at all. But I have faith in the matter. I have hope. I believe in the possibility. What ever way things play out I'm still happier than what I was yesterday. And tomorrow I'll probably be happier than what I've been today. Have I finally found the upward spiral ? Will I now find that which I've been looking for ? The empty hole inside is not felt anymore. This must be a sign. The sign I've been looking for.

the most wonderful thing.

Somehow it feels as though you understood what I needed. This little conversation of ours was just what was needed. Sometimes speaking of the past can dramatically change thing for the better. I feel a deep happiness which is one of those that just cannot go wrong. I feel good. I feel as though quarrels of the past will disappear and that a sense of family will return. It is truly a blessing !

I believe that its time to go on and take the next step. If it is only recently or if it was just my ignorance but I realized it isn't that bad. It was actually really good. Just that maybe it was me not wanting to get over it. But now it shouldn't be so hard. My mission is succeeding. And my recent discovery got me a long way along the right lines !

Let this happiness last for the rest of my life. I feel..... completed !

warning signs

Now the warnings have presented themselves and it's time for a withdrawal and to distance oneself a bit. I see the bond breaking in two and a certain close one who need not be so close. Who would have thought that being close to someone would be a bad thing ? Well to be honest the thought did pass me by once but I decided not to react upon it. Well anyway, I clearly saw the negative side of it and I don't really know what I should do. To sacrifice one thing for another.. is that really okay to do ? Such complications at the very moment another issue is to be taken care of. These are Those warning signs but no matter how many times I stumble over this same problem, I don't seem to find the answer to why it keeps reoccurring. And I can't find a way out of this spiral. Somehow I feel as though I'm not really trying... Subconsciously not wanting to find the answer. Maybe it is a change that of which I'm not ready to make... Or it is one of those changes I do not want to take.

Whatever it is there's no point in pondering over it too thoroughly. I just want to find a way to get this of my chest but to who ? I've isolated myself avoiding to let anyone to close for it has not been in my interest in the past. Despite this I'm still happier now than what I have been. Just that it's a new kind of pain which I will have to endure for now. I'll learn to deal with it sooner or later. I still have the rest of my life to take care of this.

This last week has been a bit of a hell for me. It has felt really awful all week. From the moment I've gotten up till the moment I've lay down. My nights have been filled with strange dreams and sleep has not been my best of friend. It was quite a while since it was a good friend. Still remember the time when it was good to me. That was a better time for me. Too bad that had to end and be followed by the next problem which really dragged me down. I really have been a fool to have let myself plummet down there even though I should have known to let it be. Certain things should be left in the past but since one is young one is still inexperienced and therefore stupid and brings misfortune upon oneself. People say that's just a part of being human but... I'm not convinced. This was never a part of being human, It was never meant to be like this. Or maybe it's just another phase. Whatever it might be, I still don't like it.

Well, enough about that. Reflecting on ones past is not always a good thing. Though it helps one remember those important things one needs to cling on to.
Such depressing thoughts running through my head right now I feel as though.... I need something...

Nothing lasts forever.'

Something that should be obvious to the most of us at this point. There is always a point of change somewhere along the way. Certain things last longer than others. Hope that tonight will end this right now and help me back on track !