Unsaid things...

Those things that are never said may hurt the most. Things that can't be said. How I wish I could let it all out... Not bottling it all up like this! I hate not being able to say what needs to be said. Keeping myself from doing this has it's negative effects.. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. Slowly but surely I will eventually break down in despair. I have been crushed. Nothing seems to be able to render the pain for any periods of time.

I feel thrown away. Simply discarded. I really wish I wouldn't have to feel like this. But what is there I could do? If a person doesn't want to talk? It's not like if you could force the person to talk to you. It would only drive the person away... I guess I can only dwell further in thought and pray for salvation. Pray that this will soon end.

Change

I feel a change. A strange kind of change. But it feels great somehow. Some clarity over the whole. It must have been the conversation with that specific friend. We talked quite a while. But I feel it helped me on my road. The path lit up. Though I am filled with sadness, I still feel a certain happiness. An ease in my sorrow. A chance to once again try to fix some of those mistakes. Get on with my life and leave the pain behind.

Relief

Last night wasn't too nice though. To be honest yesterday was quite a nightmare. No sleep and suppressing thoughts as much as possible. Wrote a bit on my song realizing stuff.

Today started off quite bad, but ended quite well. A very needed conversation took place after school. Can't say how relieved I am. A great flush of relief washed over me and most of my negativity went away.

.........

I just don't know what to say... Can't say I like it... But there nothing really I can do either.... It just hurts... A hurt like never before....... But still, it was worth it. I just find it such a pity. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome, I was told... It just feels so... completely empty. Like something is just missing. Something valuable.... something very valuable... Being positive about it is not a possibility. I just am not able.... Can't even try to pretend.. It's too obvious.... But shutting oneself away wouldn't be an answer either even though it would feel good. Just laying down not getting up again. But what would I accomplish with that ? I mean that would only worsen everything... Haven't slept for quite a while. That can't really help anything but sleep just doesn't seem like an opportunity I would have somehow... Subconsciously punishing myself for letting something like that slip out of my hands ? Probably something like that. But knowing about it.. doesn't that kind of change the fact that it would be subconscious...

Now I just feel as though I shouldn't have written a thing..........

alerting feelings...

Well, it turns out that my worries came to be through... I'm just kind of shocked... The decision is not absolute but it doesn't feel too great. Last time I had a feeling like this it turned out to be the right one. Now that just makes things that much worse. I'm taking this whole situation quite hard. I hoped and prayed so hard that it wouldn't be the case. But it still happened. But at least I got some things clear. It's just a pity it all came so suddenly and as it seems too late. No chance of fixing certain things... of course it isn't absolute but. I don't know what to do. can't stop myself from thinking of it.

I guess I can only hope and pray for the best

Worries

I can nothing else than worry and contemplate the worst. Of what I know it probably wasn't anything good. I feel insecure and in a tight spot. I don't know what to expect. I at least would think I'm not liked from at least one way. I would think that the person I have in mind would want me to go away. But sure I don't know I might just be paranoid. But still I have these worries of mine and I don't like it. I feel threatened. I fear the worst and don't know what to do.

I hate phone calls.. because of that phone call I got to hear some stuff but it was not all and there was more to it. Something more to be said. Something not appropriate to speak of via the phone. This made me wonder. What is going on? Should I worry or not? Judging by what's been going on I feel the need to worry for I don't feel safe. The frustration in the voice on the other side tells me it's not all gonna be okay. The tension of the conversations are telling me to expect the worst.

How I hope I'm only being paranoid.... The thoughts I'm having are already breaking me down. What if it really comes to pass? Then what?

Complexities

That which determines the complexity of a person is layers. How many layers that are active at a certain individual. Different layers surface when different circumstances emerge. I thought to myself that it is only certain layers that are active at the moment and that is the reason for my mood. The reason why I feel like I currently do. This paranoid part of me emerges when I feel like this. When this happens all sorts of strange and unreasonable thoughts keep popping up. A strange discomfort arises in the most unrelated circumstances. I usually think to myself: "Why do I get these thoughts in the first place? " and later try to get rid of it when I realize the stupidity in the whole yolk.

Tonight I kept waking up all the time at the strangest of hours. After only 2-3 hours of sleep I woke up wondering: "Why am I not asleep?" and tried to sleep again. But because of my strange dreams I kept waking up. And when the time came to actually get up I felt no will whatsoever to even try and get up. Eventually I got up and hurried to school.

Tired as I was I accidentally took the wrong bag to class and realized this only in the middle of the lesson. At the break I got my own bag and put the other bag back where I thought I took it from. Then it was time for my presentation. The things I wrote down on the paper were good enough but I didn't really know what to spend the remaining 4 minutes talking about. But I spoke a bit about my guitar and that I like music and then it was about it. Later I thought of several different ways to continue the presentation and make it a lot more interesting. But since it already gone by I can't really do anything about it.

I've thought about buying a journal where I would start writing down the most intimate of thoughts. Those that I wouldn't dare share with whomever happens to read this blog. Maybe it would help more to ease this feelings and it might be nice later in life to look back over what my thoughts were and see for myself the differences that have come. I might go someday and look for a nice one with a lock. I could start one on the computer but it wouldn't feel safe having it there. I mean anybody could just happen to stumble upon the journal and think they can read and happen to read something I wouldn't want them to see. I could write names instead of the letters I usually choose. It would be much easier than to think of a person and try to find a fitting letter.

I think I'll go find a journal. Maybe I then could look at myself from an outside perspective more efficiently ?