Closer to the truth

When in thought the mind tends to tell you things. When in conversation you easily realize what your true thoughts are upon a matter. Realizing that one is having a burnout but not feeling stressed. Then the question arrises, "how?". I now know I have similar symptoms to those who are burning out. Though I still feel like a very relaxed person. I don't feel stressed. What would I be stressed about? I have no real worries. I just don't feel as I have felt. Too much has disappeared. Too much good is gone from my earlier everyday life. Too many new annoyances have turned up in my life. In my everyday life. I've pulled back, taken distance. Because I just don't like my surroundings any more. I never thought that group of people could've had such a big difference in my life. I never expected to find people so annoying. How irritating it would be being stuck right in the middle. So many things just turning sour with no real upside to anything.

As some blossom, others wither and die

I've been thinking a bit. Since recent times have come to show me new revelations I see how the course of life goes as it usually does. People come and people go. I've seen how my friendships have grown and also how they have withered. To be honest I've lost more than what I've gained. I don't have the same contact with those close as I did before. I'm not anyone's close friend anymore. I have nobody close. There's still this gap between me and my friends. More in some than others. Even those I once had really close have gone further away. Some due to distance and some due to reasons that are mostly unknown to me. But I can understand. It's not completely strange. I mean some I just haven't brought close. I have realized that I am more reluctant to sharing my experiences than before. Now I find it more unpleasant than before to share my most inner thoughts. Nobody knows what goes on inside. Do I really know myself anymore? I don't feel like anything has significantly changed within myself but somehow I don't have the same light on the matter as before. I feel something inside which I cannot identify and no one to share my thoughts on the matter. I have people whom I trust but I just don't have the possibility to actually look into it any further with this person.

I must say it feels a bit lonely, this self imposed solitude. To be so close yet so far away. Always being a second hand friend. I see the possibility to step into the primary friend zone but still the thought strangely puts me at unease. It's just that I don't really feel "at home". But I don't really feel like there's anything that anyone can do about this. But do I really want anyone to do anything in the first place? Is there really anything I want others to do? Do I really want anyone involved? I guess the answer must be no. I don't want people to do anything. I don't want them to know. I want to keep these thoughts and feelings beneath the surface. Instinctively I keep all these thoughts and feelings on the matter to myself. The thing that worries me is that I'm not sharing anything with anybody. Before I've always had someone to share things with. But never everything to everyone. I guess I don't trust most to understand. Most people I "trust" wouldn't understand. Because I guess it's a male phenomena. And I have no male friend which I really trust. Some are not quite knowledgeable others are not quite in tune with me. Unfamiliar to my thought patterns and experiences. And I feel no need to explain my life situation nor do I feel the need to speak of my past.

I want somebody close yet I keep them away because I don't want them close, now isn't that a confusing behavior?

Easier to Run

Reflecting over life usually tells you the most obvious truths. Truths which are so obvious they're sometimes hard to realize. One thing I realized is that I'd much rather not live in this reality. I'd like to live in another. Where certain things, in this world which are considered important, would be trivial. And this pressure wouldn't be so largely felt. Continuously being pressured into similar situations. The direction of life never really changing significantly. The same loop of reality going on. Always in the same spiral which only changes by the diameter. And the diameter is never changing. The simple instinct of nearly all humans is "fight or run". Why is it that reality is to either fight or lay down and get run over? Running in this society is just not a possibility. There is absolutely no gain to run. Any attempt at running will only result in you eventual capture, with a new punishment waiting. Even if you manage to completely dodge the captors you still get "captured" by one thing or another. A feeling, another persons feeling, regret, consequences and so on.. So many "have to!"s and "must"s... I'm sick of it all! When most things aren't even necessary. But their reasoning is "Although we have experienced some difficulties in the past this is what we have done for 40 years and over all it has worked". And when you say that you don't understand why there has to be this specific way of conduct when there is a second or a third option which at least in my case works better. But no! "That's not the way you're meant to do it. This is how I learnt this and you have to learn it this way as well". And when I say "This is not my problem, what I have difficulty with is over there" the response sound like " Yeah, i don't care. This is what everyone else has problem with so, so should you". Just like telling me "These pairs of glasses has worked for me for 40 years. So they should work just as well for you". I then say that I don't have the same eyes and that there's nothing wrong with my eye sight. The reply follows "Just do as I say and everything will be okay" completely without any diagnosis whatsoever. Always having all these quick fixes showered over you.

It would just be easier to run. Away from reality a while and to return to a more quieted down situation. But somehow people find it contemporary to hold a grudge in case there is something wrong... The most minor detail might have a "significant" difference in such cases..

Changes in Mind

It's funny really. How the course of ones thoughts change so quickly upon realizing and having certain matters confirmed to you. First believing something when seeing a certain pattern and then conversing with a person realizing that your previous thoughts were nothing more than one's own paranoia.

Recently I've noticed a change in my own character. I'm not quite the same as I have been. Being a good or a bad thing is yet to be uncovered. I don't really have anyone to speak with and share my experiences for there is no one that close anymore. I hate to admit it but it seems I've drifted apart from my friends. Some due to distance, which is very regrettable, and others through lack of closeness. Like if we just don't have all that in common anymore. I seriously wonder why... But I guess that's just life. People come and people go sooner or later with all different reasons and everyone having their own little significance. I can think of very few to this rule. Still even their friendship is at strain..

How does one change such a reality?

Life goes on

Once again I'm sitting here with my other life in Vasa. Right now looking back on what was. Those people who are missing. Those who were a big part of last year. To think people missing from a scene can make all that difference. As I think of them missing I also think of those who are now in their place, only a few years younger. I don't know what to think about that. It's not the same anymore. There's such a big part missing. It's too big to forget about. But then again, why stay stuck in the past? As time moves on people come and go. Some stay longer than others but in the end they all leave one way or the other.

I don't know what to say about my new room mates. They're so different from my previous ones. And different from each other as well. I don't really like the situation to be frank. But that's one thing I'll just have to cope with.

Change is inevitable...

Rough Roads

I guess you shouldn't be surprised really. Something's always bound to happen sooner or later. You'll always find a rough road here and there. Sometimes your method of getting past doesn't work as smoothly as usual or expected. You could say my gameplan wasn't that great for this event. My cargo was too fragile and so it seemed to have broken. The condition is yet unconfirmed for it wasn't looked at enough. Just kind of left for dead? I'm not at ease leaving things like this. Completely unnecessary. Should at least leave it at an angle that's workable? Wouldn't that be best?

I'll just have to go on and see if there might be any more options later on.

Ghosts of the Past

As I went about with my work my mind once again raced through a series of thoughts. I realized that the time of relaxation is soon to be over. Even though I haven't felt very relaxed really. I don't feel like this time has helped me very much at all. When I think about it this summer hasn't really been all that great. There's been loads of stuff going on and problems everywhere. No real rest. No vehicle so it's been hard to get around. I haven't been with all the people I wanted to be with.

A mere week and reality's back again. The world once again starts and there will be other things which occupy the mind, hopefully. Being here for this lenght of time has given me a clearer view of the reality of today. Of what has become of that which was. A sad truth indeed. Mere words don't seem to be able to penetrate those blocks. The gates seem to be shut tightly. Such ignorance. Pathetic really.

When thinking of what is waiting I start to see them. A continuation of those closed chapters. Imagining what is waiting. In my thoughts I then see them, the Ghosts of the Past. Playing with my mind. Showing me unpleasant things. Things which are very unlikely though. I sencerely doubt these events truly could play out yet the feeling is still there as if they really are.