Thoughts of a Peculiar Mind

I've started my second blog now. If you want it you may ask for it.

An extra blog

I was thinking of creating an extra blog. One with thoughts not directly relevant to my life. Things that I just think of but never get to share, that kind of thing. I'm currently researching men and women and getting facts straight. Learning what most people are oblivious to. I many times find things I want to share but I just don't get around to doing it because I can't really place it here with my thoughts on my life.

I usually make up quotes and stuff like that and it'd be nice to see what people say about them. Something where people might just comment on while my personal life doesn't seem to be comment-worthy.

Probability

I am not in here. Even if I tried harder I wouldn't be here. I'm not here nor will I probably ever be. I'm just not meant for here. Even though I try I'm reluctant to participate in the activity of others. It doesn't matter. It's a bit sad not really being there. But I don't fit in. The lack of meaningful conversation and friendships are taking a great toll on me. I am very unhappy. Being surrounded by a crowd yet still being quite alone. Though it is very much my fault for not engaging in anything involving my peers. Though it doesn't seem to matter all that much. They all leave me to my solitude. Though I can't really blame them. I wouldn't say I'm very inviting towards them. All that noise, that meaningless noise. There is absolutely no reason to make so much noise. Sometimes you just want to yell at them and tell them to shut up. But I don't want to make a scene. I don't want to have anything with it to do.

But why would I be? I'm not happy with them. I haven't been in far to long it seems. And I don't see any change in that at all. The future is gloom. Of course it's not all bad. There are those rare occasions when I touch that happiness, the brief feeling of belonging. But these feelings never last.

I asked the school nurse about my sleeping problems. Physically there shouldn't be anything which causes my insomnia. So obviously there's something within the mind which causes it. The school nurse thought I should go to Klaara and talk to someone. I myself am against the thought. But I guess it's worth giving another shot. The psychologists I've met in the past have not been able to pinpoint anything of significance. Nothing that I haven't myself figured out. Then again I probably never gave them enough of a chance to help. I guess bad experiences haunt you. The experiences have made me very skeptical towards psychologists. There doesn't seem to be any good ones. But I guess it's just a matter of taking a proper look. I've been to two places within a years time and both were useless. Klaara sent me to tonårspolikliniken who sent me to two different psychologists which none helped me.

But I guess I'll have to give it another shot.

Changing directions

As I go through life I think of what has been and what the future holds for possibilities. I have more or less found my crowd. I have found my way back to old friends and new possibilities. I've changed the path I was on and now I feel a lot more optimistic. I no longer feel the same emptiness as before. Not because my everyday situation has changed very much but just that I've gotten used to it and accepted the way things are and moved on. I've found something else which probably will be more important to me than what I've had. Something a lot more stable. I feel we're more or less on the same level which is a great comfort.

It's still sad leaving things behind but I guess that's life. Not that it's never been done before but I felt this time it was more of a pity than earlier. Before my path had moved on. Now I'm still at the same place with things left out. Relationships with others aren't as good as they have been and I suspect they never really will be. There are so many unspoken words, so many things to say. But no one there to tell. There is no point in speaking for nothing spoken would be taken in account. I cannot share my life stories as I once could which bothers me. I would like to have this person to tell everything worth while to. But I don't thing there's anyone here who's really capable of it.

People have their problems and therefore they have no room for the problems of others. They don't have time to spend on other peoples needs. It's not that it's hard, it's more like there's not enough energy left to do it. While ghosts of the past continue to haunt the conscious mind from the subconscious, the ghosts of reality seem to ensure that the traveler dares not enter the dark forest which is the unknown.

When living with your imaginary friend for so long how could one live without him? He's been there for so long he's affected every decision you've made the past 15 years. How does one break free from this? My thoughts wander off into the abyss of the unknown frequently to explore the different possibilities, but my question is, does anyone else's? I keep wondering to myself if there is anybody else who cares about that which lies beneath that which is obvious.

In my experience people don't listen very much to what you say, they constantly try to find the alternate meaning behind your every word even though there never was an alternate meaning to begin with. Are people just that paranoid or why is this? Have people seen to much movies with people saying one thing expecting the person to take it a certain way while then actually meaning a totally different thing. Do people always look for the deceit in everybody else's words or is it just me? I've often realized that I've said exactly what I've meant and people have taken it in a completely different way. I've been really surprised at times how bizarrely wrong people can interpret simple words.

I had a strangely relaxed conversation with an old acquaintance to whom my relation has been rather tense to the most part. I was quite surprised at the whole situation. I never really thought that would happen any time soon. But it was good. A less strained relationship, at least from my part. The strain has mostly been my fault because I've deliberately kept a distance. Not really allowing us to come any closer each other. It's not exactly due to stubbornness but a significant part. After certain events I had come to recent the whole thought of change. Expecting it to change eventually but not really doing anything to make it happen.

After gaining a new knowledge of privileges and the rules which apply to getting these privileges I've started playing with a thought. A thought that's been there all along but I've never thought of it as a possibility since I thought I wouldn't get these specific privileges. But now since I learned that my reasons are good enough I'm thinking of pursuing these thoughts. It would make life a lot easier. Just thinking about it is exciting. But those plans would be a year from now. Still it is rather exciting.

Changing roles

Changes come and go. Some roles disappear while others appear. Some resurface and other submerge into nothingness. Most of my earlier roles have been changed all at once. I am no longer the same person as I used to due to the fact that I haven't got the same role in other peoples lives as before. I'm no longer best-friends with people anymore. I'm just an ordinary friend. Or I'm just the guy you come to when in pain and then when you're done you leave that guy alone and keep him at bay. Nothing really close. Get the solution and get out quickly.

But maybe people just don't understand that I too feel lonely and need friends to surround me. At rare occasions people do notice how distant I am but it's not like if they'd feel the need to do anything about it. But then again what could they possibly do? Their personalities don't really fit the bill and that's probably how this situation arose to begin with. It's not really the error of others, it's more us not being quite compatible at this time. I think it's just that at this time we cannot have what once was. We've changed too much in different directions. Taken different paths. Or maybe it was I who strode away from the horde. That sounds more logical. I've changed more than my surroundings. I see them the same way I always have, only for me standing in a different spot.

But then there are other things as well. I don't feel at home anymore. It's like it isn't my home anymore. As if I'm no longer any part of it. It doesn't understand me nor do I quite understand it. The reasons are shattered but strangely clear. I don't see how I can change this. I'd have to suddenly become "easy" them to understand me. There's so much going on behind the obvious. Should I just kill it to make myself easy to understand. But wouldn't that be killing a part of myself. A part of myself which I find so important. That which makes me the person I am. How else would I be able to make those decisions.

What would happen if I simply uncomplicated my thoughts. Would I still me remotely the same person? Would people still see me as me. Would people truly understand me better or would they even try? Do they even try? Am I really that complicated or am I just too reserved for people to truly see me?

Is this too far beyond my ability to direct things or do I just need a new strategy?

Eased thoughts and disturbed sleep

I've been able to express some of my concerns. But still it feels fairly the same. There is a change in behavior but I suspect that's about it. My guess it will take at least till summer before there will be any significant change if any at all. I don't expect anything other than that. But I shouldn't expect anything after that anyways. When I think about it I don't see any change in the future. Sure, there is a possibility, there always is, but I don't really believe in it. There will always be something that prevents any significant change. But at least I got to express my feelings about the matter and my mind has eased a bit.

Still I see people in suffering. Some of new things and some are still haunted by their past. Not being able to let go of their feelings. Helpless to help I try to convince them of the same things over and over but it seems to have no effect on the matter whatsoever, besides the fact that I show my support. But I want to give more than just that. I want to help.

Sometimes what's going on is hidden. You have no real way of knowing if what you're thinking is correct of completely off course. Still you try to make it clear for the people in need what they're feeling. Let them themselves understand what exactly caused the current feelings and in that way of understanding try to help them find a solution themselves. Though since I have no real insight to these matters I can't do much more than show support and try to help them in any way possible.

While haunted by ghosts of the past certain things might be hard to overcome. Something's been going on for quite some time and there seems to be no end but still some positivity has sprouted. There is hope. Things are going up. The light is growing but still it's a journey left before one can enter the light. Let the feelings bloom once again and experience life. So long has one been without the experience of life, it feels completely dull. There is little which makes difference. Everything is gray and nothing tastes good.

While thinking of these thing one might realize how little they can do to change these situations. There are to may factors to even know little yet react upon. Finding the deep reason behind each problem and then solving every little tricky riddle. There is a riddle within everybody. Some easier than others. I have found people are generally not very hard once you get to engage in meaningful conversation. Most people are rather ordinary. Most people are rather alike in some way or another. Everyone is different and unique but some of these factors are common in just about anyone.

But there are quite interesting exceptions to this. Those who seem to be completely different in such matters. I have found myself in this category. But I know that I'm not alone. I know people with similar differences. They are not like mine but still they fall under the same category of strange. Some things are exactly alike which would be quite odd, while other things are completely without any ordinary connection. There seems to be no reason for a certain reaction. Certain reactions seem to come out of the blue. I know they don't come out of the blue. Usually I realize that I've triggered a reaction. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I'm completely without basis so I would've had no idea to what caused it. Sometimes no idea to what was caused. Some reaction that I am unable to identify. They fall under the category of negative but that doesn't still give me much of a base to continue from.

Sometimes I feel completely clueless. And I blame myself for it. I feel as though it was my obligation to have understood that. An obligation to know how to react and how to handle things. But then imperfections arise and one realizes some of the shortcomings one has. In this area of life there is great pressure. To have to know and understand everything. To come with conclusions and solutions to the eventual problems and give warning to future problems.

Though I expect people to be completely open with me in such occasions, I'm never open with them. There is always something going on. And those few times anyone asks what's going on the question is usually just shrugged off. Just saying that there is nothing going on or just quickly giving a half-truth and change the subject turning it around to the other person. I know people a lot more than they know me. People have no real understanding of how I work. People don't know when there is anything going on in my life. Am I just subconsciously hiding behind a veil or are people just that ignorant. Or is it that they are just incapable to handle any of my problems or concerns. Why do I have to almost force people to listen before I feel heard? What is it that makes me walk around with things on my mind to myself while other get help. Since when did I become this reserved? Was it because I was needed and shoved my thoughts and feelings aside and just simply got that role. The role as the one you can open up and speak to but never the one who needs speaking to. The one who doesn't need it. The one who has no problems?

I have found that it is very rare that people come up to me and start a conversation. It is mostly I who start asking those catch-up questions making sure people are alright. Sure people make jokes and stuff with me but there are no sincere words. It's all just a joke. No real conversation. But I guess that's just life. I don't know if I'd accept people changing their attitude after possibly reading this blog. I'd just think that they're doing it because they feel a slight bit of guilt and that they need to keep their image of being a good and caring friend. But in truth I find it hard to believe they really are. Or am I just their exception to that rule?

I have loads of acquaintances but no real friends.... What happened?

I wake up every night wondering about these things, looking for the answers

Paranoia

I guess it was the words of another which woke these feelings and thoughts. A new perspective to be more exact. But one which I do not like. The thought of that being a reality is quite disturbing. To think such a thing may be possible. But I just couldn't have pictured it a possibility before. But then I saw it. Signs of the possibility. I noticed something. A certain vibe. The feeling of observation. And the source in my case not so great. I'd rather just forget it and remain ignorant to the possible fact. Though there seems to be no going back. Was that just a means of deception? Very unlikely. To put up such a great charade for that supposed reason just can't be. I'd expect something more direct and quick. So there are more things that tell me that it cannot be but still there is a small chance. But that again would be thinking very very lowly of someone. But then again I've experienced in my past that there is certain reason to do so. But that just doesn't seem to be an option. That would just be too low. But then again such a situation has arisen in the past so why could history not repeat itself. But I'd find it quite hard to believe that someone would do that in this magnitude of wickedness. So still I don't think it to be true after all. Still there is doubt. Still I precieve this as a meant threat. From my part there is no threat but it feels somewhat intended. There's something in that gaze which makes these feeling arise combined with the thought of such a possibility.

One can never be sure...