As One Chapter Ends, Another Chapter Begins

And so this chapter comes to a close. The ending was outdrawn and perhaps unnecessary, or maybe there was a point with that too? As the dream began to fade I started to see the truth I had denied. Illusions disappeared, with a light push I realised that the time was right, or long past due. 

I only wish we would have ended the chapter when everything fell into place, I should have listened. We could have avoided a lot of pain and hardships, had I only listened. The chapter finally ended. 

I look forward to this chapter. I'm happy to begin the new chapter. A Chapter full of opportunities and hope, hopefully. I don't want to be a slave of the past. Things will never be the same again.

The Chronic Condition and Hope

The loneliness never leaves, not really. It tends to come and go in periods. I've been feeling it more and more lately. My thoughts have become darker and darker. I'm falling back into old thought patterns. The self-destructive nature of mine reveals itself. As things spiral downwards I become more and more aware of the effects it's having on many different aspects of life.

I feel as though things are running more smoothly now than before. Perhaps I'm seeing the fruits of the seeds I once planted. From my point of view it seems as though the love is growing, but that might just be how I perceive it. Whichever the case it feels good. I have a sense of direction, I think.

What if I were to write a book?

Observations

I want to help people. I want to be there for them. I want to listen to them. I want to see them. I want to truly see them for who they are. I want to care.

We made a connection. We had previously never spoken. Though our encounter was brief I believe that it was a meaningful one. Perhaps in the future I will see the fruits. I saw you, we connected. I knew about your situation. I genuinely cared. I noticed you. I saw the pain in your eyes, it was familiar. We got close, but I made a choice, now you're gone. I saw potential, it never happened. You are special. I can't be there for you as much as I'd like. I'm worried about what goes on in that head of yours. You are a peculiar person.

I suppose it's because of my past I've come to find it important to notice people. I felt as though nobody cared about me. Nobody seemed to truly see me for who I was. For years I went on questioning whether or not anybody would care if I were gone. It's like that everything I want to do for others really is a reflection of what I would have liked for people to do for me. To some extent I still hope people would do the same for me. I'm aware of the fact that I don't make it easy. I keep people at a distance. There's still this great glass wall between us. I do tend to open the invisible doors briefly for those who are alert. 

There are times when I wonder whether I ought to be more open with people, show them more of myself. For the most part I find that people don't really want to look. They don't want to care, not really.  Why should I tell someone who doesn't care?

A Sense of Accomplishment, a Feeling of Despair

Lately I've been feeling that I'm going forward. Forwards towards what is still unclear to me. Along with this I've had this gnawing feeling. I've seen some areas in which I've made progress. I've seen how others have acknowledged me in a way they haven't before. People have started to see more of my true self. I have been able to tap into "that" which has helped me do a lot of things. I have stood up in situations I'd previously avoided. I have spoken in those situations I would have previously been silent. I've opened up more to the public than I have before.

Still I can't shake the anxiety. I can't quite shake the feelings of despair. I see so much light still I seem to be stuck in the darkness. Though the chains could no restrain the heart, the heart is still wounded and weak. These human imperfections breed anxiety like never before. 

I see more clearly now. I see why I've been placed here. Being alone does teach you a thing or two. One thing I've learned is that I can't keep relying on people to meet my needs. My needs are insatiable by human standards. I know that now. Even though I could be surrounded by loving people they couldn't truly give me what I want or need. Sure they can make life easier to live at times. They can only help me deal with the symptoms, they can never unroot the problem. 

I can never rely on anyone to fix me.

However I do have something else on which I can rely

Repetitive Thoughts

I have so much to tell, yet so few words. So much to express, while I question if there's anyone to listen. As I'm going through this I keep on walking alone. If I were to fall down again, would there really be anyone there to catch me, to help me get back up again? Or would I fall to my bloody knees once more? Would I be left in the dark once again?

These thoughts never go away. 

Writing this I can't help but to feel unfair. It's sad, but true.

I was told that things won't always be like this. I was told that I won't always be surrounded by this darkness my whole life, that there will be brighter times.

Breathless

I remember a time in which it happened before. I was overwhelmed. I went out and could barely breathe. I felt like I was choking. I never quite understood it. Why bother come out after me? After I pulled myself together and came back in I received a hug. I was confused.

Rocky Road

It's been hard lately. Going through these different issues has had it toll on me. It's been rather rocky and I've noticed that I haven't been able to handle things as well as I ought to.

I've been reading this book and sadly I can relate to far to much of what's in it. There are still those sensitive areas which I still have to go into. I never thought that these things could still have such an impact on my life today. I had thought that I'd taken care of it. The symptoms are clear. There's no doubt in my mind that there are still unresolved issues in these areas. I suppose I'll have to do a more thorough sweep of these areas. 

The problem is that these unresolved issues are very painful. Like infected wounds they still pose a threat to my well being. As a result my whole life is threatened.

I can't help but to wonder if I should have acted differently. I keep thinking that I reacted to harshly and too unfairly. I keep asking myself if I overreacted.

Perhaps it's the stress and the heavy topics that blows everything out of proportion. 

I feel like I have to say sorry over and over again, always questioning whether I really should be the one apologising. 

It's painful