Appreciation

Every now and then things don't go the way we have planned. These past few days I've had to live with the fact that nothing has gone as I had hoped. Due to certain circumstances my life has been quite different since I've had to live without one of my essentials. Often you'd hear people say things like "you don't really know what you had till it's gone" or stuff like that, though I would disagree. 

Naturally when something you have disappears you'll feel the absence. In my opinion that is actually too late for you to notice what you had. To me, the statement above seems more like an excuse. I knew that it was an essential for my situation and I was grateful for having it. I knew that in it's absence my life would become a lot more difficult and challenging. I knew what I was losing before I lost it. I knew what I had. Losing an essential added a lot of challenge to my everyday life. I simply had to change how I did things and sadly I had to cancel a few plans.

I think a lot more people would be a lot happier if they started appreciating what they have. What if more people were more aware of what they have and how privileged they are? I hear stories of teenagers deliberately destroying their phones so that their parents will have to buy them new ones, the latest and best ones. Will this work in the long run? From what I gather, young people tend not to think too much about the future and the fact that they will one day move out and have to support themselves. This is no news, they tend to just assume that they'll get just about whatever they like. Naturally there are a lot of exceptions to this generalisation. Every now and then I can meet very mature teenagers who think about the future and what kind of consequences their actions have. They're aware of the financial situation in the family and they take that into account.

Inconvenient truths

So I suppose it's about time to write a new post. It's been a while. I haven't just felt like I've had anything to say. 

When I got the apology I was a bit surprised. I didn't know how to react. I still don't. Looking back to the event I think that maybe it was good with an apology, though I don't know how else things could have been done. It's not a very big thing but I appreciate the gesture. To me it speaks of something deeper. I admire the character I see.

There is a lot of good I can see. I can't help but to be bothered by the unease I feel every now and then. I know this unease is only a reflection of the deep insecurity. A deep deep scar from the past. I've noticed every now and then the subtle flashes of emotions that are rooted in history. I am bothered by the fact that I'm still affected by what happened. It's easy to forgive and forget, it's not always so easy to follow it through. I can forgive, but how could I ever forget? 

My dreams reveal the resentment I carry. I await that day when I will be confronted by it. Will I keep my cool or will my emotions get the better of me once again? Will I ever get the closure I need to move on? Perhaps not. Frankly I don't think things will be good ever again. It's a two way stream and I'm sure that I can't expect anything. Of course people can change, but I have seen no indications that anything will change. 

I am no longer the same closed up person I once was. Two years ago I would never have shared what I talked about last sunday. I can see how I am a lot more able to help people now and make more of a difference. 

Thank you!

Stepping up

These past few weeks have given me so much to be thankful for. I'm just overjoyed. It's like nothing else. I have a lot to look forward to. I am very excited. 

Things have come up, things of old. I feel that it is on me to solve this situation but I don't think that it is right that it is on me. Of course I will contribute with what I can, but it is not really one of my responsibilities. In some ways I feel that it is unfair, but this is my opportunity to step up and be more than I am. Come to think of it this is one of the kinds of things I want to work with in the future. Perhaps I was meant to deal with this right now. 

Responsibility is something which I find to be a very important thing. I think responsibility is something that needs to be prioritised a lot more in our society. When there is something we must do, we should do it. Not because it's easy or pleasant but because there are people who are counting on you to do the right thing. Of course I feel this is an unfair burden but I'm not alone in this either. I have support. I have someone who always has my back. It is not by my own strength I'll carry this burden. 

Letters

The anticipation. Knowing that there is something waiting for you when you get home. You have a fair idea as to what it is. I don't think I've ever checked the mail with such anticipation before. When I finally got home and got to check the mailbox I was excited to say the least. 

I opened the letters one by one and my satisfaction just kept on growing. If only you could have seen the smile on my face.

Legacy

I want to make a difference. I want the things that I do to matter. I want to leave something behind when I go. I want to leave a legacy.

What can I do today in order to make life better in ten generations time. What seeds can I plant today that people ten generations from now can benefit from. Looking at the generations who've gone before me I see a few seeds they sew that harms us today. What can I do in order to make sure that doesn't happen? Thinking about the future and the consequences of your choices isn't always that easy. You are rarely aware of the consequences of your actions till it's too late to take it back.

I think one of the keys to making a difference is being a good role model for anyone that you might meet. I have been in situations where someone has been there for me in any way and they never gave a second thought as to how much it would mean to me. They had no idea that their contribution meant a lot to me and helped me along the path. Every now and then I turn to these people and thank them for what they did back then. Things that they have forgotten and they are surprised that it made all that difference in my life. I've also noticed that small honest encouraging words can go a long way. Often people are surprised since no one ever notices their efforts (when in the most cases they just haven't said anything). You can see how they light up at the fact that they're being acknowledged. 

In the end I don't think it has so much to do about doing a lot of big things and always being the best all the time. I think it's about the everyday life, your attitude, your encouragement and simply the love you have for people in general. Also it has to do with taking care of the closer relationships you have. It's important to never forget the people who are close to you. 

There's a lot more to say on this subject. Since time is scarce I will have to stop here.

The Adventure of Life

My life has been quite adventurous as of late. It's kind of like coming outside being met with a warm ray of sunlight for the very first time. It feels as though this new year really has something new to offer. New connections are made. A brighter future awaits. The things I'm experiencing are ineffable. I can simply just say that I am so very very thankful.

All the worries and anxiety disappeared. To think that just a simple reminder and words of reassurance could make that difference. The thought crossed my mind so I was prepared. Things worked out as I had thought and things went very smoothly. I realised that there had been no point in worrying. Everything turned out fine, or better than fine. Something unexpected happened which brought me great joy. It was a pity that my schedule was so tight, but that doesn't matter. Not only had my adventurous day been good, I also met an old acquaintance which increased my satisfaction with the day.

A new adventure begins tomorrow.

The Next Chapter

Thinking back on that advice I believe it's given me a better perspective of things. I've tried it out and the result was as I had anticipated. More or less just confirming what I already knew. I get confused sometimes. I see things clearly now, I think. 

Looking forward things seem more unclear than ever before, but that doesn't really bother me like it used to. The thing is that I have a lot of options. Now it's just a matter of sorting them out and finding the path I want to take. I have my trust in higher places. 

I've been thinking about doing something new as to mark a new age. Mostly just as a sign for myself to leave the old behind and move on to something new. My life is never going to be the same again, I'm sure of it. 

Living in victory is amazing.