The Chronic Condition and Hope

The loneliness never leaves, not really. It tends to come and go in periods. I've been feeling it more and more lately. My thoughts have become darker and darker. I'm falling back into old thought patterns. The self-destructive nature of mine reveals itself. As things spiral downwards I become more and more aware of the effects it's having on many different aspects of life.

I feel as though things are running more smoothly now than before. Perhaps I'm seeing the fruits of the seeds I once planted. From my point of view it seems as though the love is growing, but that might just be how I perceive it. Whichever the case it feels good. I have a sense of direction, I think.

What if I were to write a book?

Observations

I want to help people. I want to be there for them. I want to listen to them. I want to see them. I want to truly see them for who they are. I want to care.

We made a connection. We had previously never spoken. Though our encounter was brief I believe that it was a meaningful one. Perhaps in the future I will see the fruits. I saw you, we connected. I knew about your situation. I genuinely cared. I noticed you. I saw the pain in your eyes, it was familiar. We got close, but I made a choice, now you're gone. I saw potential, it never happened. You are special. I can't be there for you as much as I'd like. I'm worried about what goes on in that head of yours. You are a peculiar person.

I suppose it's because of my past I've come to find it important to notice people. I felt as though nobody cared about me. Nobody seemed to truly see me for who I was. For years I went on questioning whether or not anybody would care if I were gone. It's like that everything I want to do for others really is a reflection of what I would have liked for people to do for me. To some extent I still hope people would do the same for me. I'm aware of the fact that I don't make it easy. I keep people at a distance. There's still this great glass wall between us. I do tend to open the invisible doors briefly for those who are alert. 

There are times when I wonder whether I ought to be more open with people, show them more of myself. For the most part I find that people don't really want to look. They don't want to care, not really.  Why should I tell someone who doesn't care?

A Sense of Accomplishment, a Feeling of Despair

Lately I've been feeling that I'm going forward. Forwards towards what is still unclear to me. Along with this I've had this gnawing feeling. I've seen some areas in which I've made progress. I've seen how others have acknowledged me in a way they haven't before. People have started to see more of my true self. I have been able to tap into "that" which has helped me do a lot of things. I have stood up in situations I'd previously avoided. I have spoken in those situations I would have previously been silent. I've opened up more to the public than I have before.

Still I can't shake the anxiety. I can't quite shake the feelings of despair. I see so much light still I seem to be stuck in the darkness. Though the chains could no restrain the heart, the heart is still wounded and weak. These human imperfections breed anxiety like never before. 

I see more clearly now. I see why I've been placed here. Being alone does teach you a thing or two. One thing I've learned is that I can't keep relying on people to meet my needs. My needs are insatiable by human standards. I know that now. Even though I could be surrounded by loving people they couldn't truly give me what I want or need. Sure they can make life easier to live at times. They can only help me deal with the symptoms, they can never unroot the problem. 

I can never rely on anyone to fix me.

However I do have something else on which I can rely