A Matter of Meaning

I mean why bother? That will never be reality, not in this lifetime anyway. 


At this point in time it's meaningless.


I noticed that the reactions have payed off. Just now I noticed that a few people had ticked off what they had thought on some of my posts.

Something was given, but wasn't nearly as good as I had hoped... Sorry

No Escape

The blades of darkness have penetrated my chest. I am pinned to the ground. They say time heals all wounds, but what if some wounds are infected? What happens when you are swimming in salt water? The wound hardly heals under such conditions? All they can do is sting. Everything just stings.


I'm surrounded by them, they won't leave me alone. How is sleep supposed to be possible under such conditions? There is no rest in this life of agony. 

The Haunting

It's funny the way things of the past can haunt things of the present. The things you used to feel and fear sneak up on you and you end up with the exact same sensation for no apparent reason. You remember the ache and solitude of the past and it replays in your emotions. It's like a vampire that sucks out your vital energies, refusing to let go.


There are no excuses though. It is my fault and my fault alone. Sure, every now and then I would want to blame the world, but in the end it's all me, not you.


Things aren't going to change by themselves. At best they could be in the right direction already, but that's highly unlikely. We are the ones who have to make sure things change. That's simply a natural law. In order for something to happen it must be affected in the right manner. In other words you have to treat the problem in order for it to get any better. If you want to turn right you'll have to turn the steering wheel as well. That's a simple and logical fact.


Even with this knowledge, many of us struggle with problems. Some may be trivial and some may very well be threatening our lives.


The fire will spread unless you keep it in check. 


Though we have the capacity to understand these things we're not very good at acting upon them. Not only do I leave things for myself, I see others do the same. I try to tell them that it's a bad idea, I know by experience that it is. Leaving things in limbo and pretending they aren't there won't make things right. Leaving the candle under the rope will surely make the rope give out if you leave it there long enough.

It all turns to smoke

Life's Obstacles

I've found myself in a tight spot every now and then. I can feel really stressed out. Still, I go on with my own business as usual, trying to keep everything in check.


Every now and then it shows. Every now and then I have trouble containing myself. Sometimes I show more than intended. I don't like when that happens.


Those dreams where really messed up. I didn't like them at all. I don't understand why it has to disturb me so much. I'm just stressed out with everything that's going on, I suppose.


The nights haven't become any easier. They're just as bad as they ever where. Most nights are far too short, those nights that are long enough aren't efficient enough to keep me going. I can feel how I'm shutting down in efficiency. I haven't the energy needed for everything to work out good for everyone.


I know this must hurt, but I'm trying my best. Please don't be sad.


There are a lot of thing that people don't understand. I don't blame them for not understanding, they couldn't care less and that I blame them for. It just doesn't feel right. What kind of society is this?


I guess I'm sick of those selfish egos. I've listened to those bad excuses. Things that shouldn't matter get in the way. It's unacceptable. Worst of all is all the fake stuff. Those words that are uttered but not a word of it is meant, it's only half true.


They might want something, but they don't want to be a part of it.


Another funny thing is when someone is trying something like that. I really feel sorry for them. It's pathetic and juvenile. Such childish behavior, I'm not surprised though. It wasn't something I wasn't expecting.


You've been silent now a while, have you fallen asleep or are you simply gone? He's not responsive, I wonder if he's dead. Many of you have disappeared, as if you have ceased to exist.


There are only shells left it seems.

A Brief Return

I caught a glimpse of him. It was very brief but I was certain it was him. He isn't dead, he's alive. I'm certain of it now.


I haven't seen him in quite a while. He's been gone and we were all wondering if he had died. I mourned and so did you, we all did. Pathetic little bunch we are. 


I would have liked him to stay longer, but who knows? He might make an appearance once again. The one in his place isn't working out for any of us. He should certainly not be in command of this ship. We are sure to go under with him in command.


We are unhappy with the way things are now. Please come back and return us to what we once where. We can no longer live in this pathetic state. In rot and decay.


This is no way to live...

Bound by Addiction

I've seen what happens to those who have done nothing about it.

I, too, am addicted, but to a drug different from yours.

It is shame right there.

You don't have to reach rock bottom to get help.

People don't realize this, nor do I.

You are all weak, I tell my mirror image right before I vomit of disgust.

Warning Signs

I dug that grave. I wept. I lost a part of my past. 

As a reflection of life or a warning about what might come to pass?

I see many meanings to this one image. 

The rest is a mystery.

The situation is escalating, in two directions. I am traveling on two roads at once. How can that even be possible? Or maybe I'm not on two roads at once, maybe they just happened to cross right now. The question is how will I be able to find my way off the path I've been on and on to the one of my desires?


Recently I've started to see the severity of the situation. I hadn't noticed that it was that bad until I was told. I got my warning and understood what must be done to avoid disaster, but the question is how will I do it? I know what to do and the answer is not far from here. Still, I find it hard to get to it. It's strange how these things work. 

I suppose I have a hard time asking for the help I need. 

Even though I know I can't do it myself I tend to keep others away from the problem. I wonder if there are any others who notice this but You.

The Truth

I'd put you down where you belong

But I'm never talking to you again

I'd show you everywhere you're wrong

But I'm never talking to you again

The Flame

This anger, this rage. It never dies. It's with me now. The more I go on the more tired I get. 


Many of us have fallen, at least we haven't seen them in a while. They left some mirror images behind. I suppose that's what people still see. I don't know if they noticed it or not, I however did.


The walls are cracking, it's getting more dangerous. The stability that was is now lost.

Unstable and fueled with rage. What will ever become of this?

The Two Faces of Fire

 Even though we have burned down like the house.  We have experienced so much pain from the fire within us. 

There is two sides to the fire that fuels us. It can be a fire of destruction, or it can be a fire of hope. There is hope, as long as we're alive there's always hope. 

I know this to be the truth.

The controlled fire can illuminate many things, but combined with the broken glass and the gas leak it could prove deadly.

It needs not be like this

It all starts with a crack

The rattled cage is breaking. It is being unleashed. It's not safe anymore. Not for anyone. Least of all you. There are only shards left.

When everything bursts, all will be lost. It's not very much left.

Our spirits will die.

The Darkness

The mist is clearing and I can't find you. You have moved, and so has he. I look down, relieved to learn that he didn't jump after all. Still, I worry because I don't know his whereabouts. He seems to have gone off with you. 

The nightmare never ends. The horror only changes forms. We need to get out of here, for we are not safe. Very I often find those looks. I see how they despise us. How they don't want us here.

The hate is growing in this place. Not only towards us but also the others.

Within him there's pain and anger. There's a rage which is most unpleasant. A rage of the broken. A raging bloodlust. An unquenchable thirst.

We have found that it might be the only way, that hard path. There are some of us who want to go. Some of us who say they need it. Most of us are very unhappy with the thought of going that way, yet our logic tells us that we should go.

It felt so good, so good indeed. Such tranquility. To let that one out. Let that one show us who we are.

The Mist and the Moon

I know there's a full moon, but because of the mist I can barely see anything. I just know there's a full moon because of this tingling sensation. Did he jump or did you push him or is he still standing there. The mist is in the way, I can't really tell. Is he still standing there or not?

The rattling cage, the cold burning blades, the sane insane mind.

He's confused, so he is. Losing whatever sanity he has left. I can hear his thoughts. They're destructive. The monster is a danger to him and everyone else around him. We are all in danger. It would hurt both you, me, him and all of us others.

The image of the broken glass. The veil between worlds is shattered. All because of a little white piece of hell, disguised as medicine. He thinks it will cure him, but it is simply only a key. A key to that which must be locked down. A key to our demise. We would all surely die. Including you and me. I hope you understand what your driving him to. Is it not enough that it is ruined. Does the terror never end? What do you hope to accomplish. You plague him with things he cannot take anymore. He was already on his knees when you started kicking him.

The battle continues. I can still not see anything. I can barely just see shapes. Those shapes of evil, trying to penetrate his mind from afar. There's this invisible barrier. I walk and walk but I don't seem to come any closer.

Sometimes I wonder if he's even aware of the attack he is under.

The Angel and the Devil

I realized a long time ago that these delights wouldn't ease the pain. The pain is constant and mere delightful moments could do nothing to relieve me of it. How much I would like it to, it will not make any significant changes, though I do appreciate it for what it is.

I have so much yet there seems to be an essential piece missing. You want to kill yourself. You say life isn't worth living. You say we all die anyway, so why wait. We tell you that it's all nonsense. We tell you that you got things all wrong. We tell you that you need to change your attitude. You counter us by saying that we are the ones who are wrong, that things will never change, that we will always be situated here, that we will never be loved. Some of us listen and some of us don't. 

They go into isolation, 

withdrawing from loved ones. 

And they may lash out, 

becoming irritable or violent.

You and I are the angel and devil on each of his shoulders. Some of the time he listens to me, but now he's listening more to you than me. Once you managed to push him into isolation, you pulled him away from his loved ones you made him irritable, I barely managed to keep him from lashing out violently. Do you not realize that you're killing him? Do you not realize that he is close to the edge already and if you push any more he will jump? I am doing all I can to get him back up on his feet. I fear I'm not enough hold onto him and keep the cage intact.

How long will this person last?

Unlife

I'm fed up with this. I do not want this. This was something I never wanted. Something I never agreed to. This is not how life should be. 

I'm tired, so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of this life, the life that I have now. 

This is not life, this is survival. This is not about living, this is about staying alive.

I see this clear image of things getting out of hand. That the beast no longer is contained. Havoc is spread across the building. A brutal unleash of it all. Pain and suffering surrounds the area. We are all traumatized by the incident. Everyone are terrified by what now had become a monster.

Choices

I often think about my choices. The choices that I made, the choices I never did, what I chose, what I didn't choose. I wonder time and time again if I've made the right choices. I wonder many times if I should have chosen differently, but what would I have lost if I would have chosen something else?

In many ways I feel like I should have chosen a different way, but where would I have ended up then? I wonder if the choice I made was worth it. If everything I got out of it turned out to be more good than bad.

I know that I don't want this. I don't want to live like this. I need to leave this all behind me. I need to end this chapter. Sadly it's a matter of time before I can do so. I have decided to finish this chapter and not just abandon it. Still I'm not sure if that is the right decision. The question is just, where would I go? What would I loose?

Life has left. There seems to be little to none left behind. I suppose this is what has been felt by those before me. I'm fed up. The life has been sucked right out. What I'd really want to do is just go somewhere, away from all this here. Some distance would be good.

Emotional fluctuations

Simple situations can drastically change the mood of a group. One can very quickly change from happy to sad, calm to angry with only the mention of certain subjects.

Danger

I've been making that hard decision several times lately. I've put myself in a strange position in order to have hope for the future. To fix that which is broken. It seems like it is as it was said. Still I doubt the situation will be fully restored to what it once was, but I might be wrong.

I can't really tell you what I feel. That which is behind the wall showed itself, just a little, but still too much. That which was shown should have been kept behind the invisible veil. I don't know if anyone noticed the slip, I sure did.

These small slips have become more and more frequent. I worry that the cage won't hold. I don't know what would happen if the cage failed to contain it.

Loss

I've many times thought of killing you. But I've decided not to. Just because it isn't who I am. Or maybe who I was. The punishment is rather severe. You're practically dead to me anyway so maybe it doesn't make a difference. Only difference would be me leaving it all behind.

Either way, you are still gone

The Solitary Road

Moments of charade, the deeply hidden anger, the loneliness of my ways and a strange satisfaction.

The road I travel is one of loneliness. I have many times wondered if there is anyone else on this road. Why do I never meet anyone else in that case? Probably because they all stay hidden. They probably have great reasons to why they would hide. I've always thought that I have had great reasons for me hiding within myself behind my transparent wall. You can see me and be very close but you could never touch me, unless I let you. Every now and then I've let people come and touch me, people I have felt that I could trust. But at the moment there is no one with that privilege.

I have shut out everyone from the depths of that which is the inner me. I've brought everyone much closer to my outer me. I am still the lonely one of the crowd but it doesn't bother me as much as it did. I've been able to accept this change, more or less.

I can't say I'm happy with it, but it doesn't make me unhappy either. It's just the way it is now. No reason to complain about that. More sides of me have come forth. Those are sides of denial. Others do not see them for what they are. Looks can and mostly are deceiving. Few people care to look into it even though they must know.

There was the question and there was the following question. As I answered I realized I was being analyzed. There was an underlying question. I must have answered it with only the way I looked back into those gazing eyes. There's still a chance that the information wasn't revealed to the person. One can never be certain.

The quality of my sleep hasn't been the greatest lately. There's no apparent reason.

Beneath the surface

There is something brewing. Something is happening inside. It is getting more and more difficult to contain. It's a lot harder to control than before. I wonder if it has gained strength or if it is I who has lost mine. Sometimes I think it might just be me not wanting to hold on as tightly as before.

The walls are being fortified and becoming less transparent.

The burning inferno and the masquerade, it's all a secret life.

Confirmation

Some things happen and some things don't. Some things are the reasons for other things and others are simply not. That small little comment told me so much about how true my previous thoughts had been. I came to the conclusion that it must have been just as I had previously thought.

Looks can be deceiving, but this time it wasn't. The look was genuine. It was felt on the inside just as it was perceived on the outside.

Fun and games and it's all serious too. Doing what one wants would be knowingly hurting something else, but what is more important? Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better of thinking about myself for a change and go after that for a while. These decisions made along that path has done much. Should I really let myself dwell in these thoughts which stand between me and what I really want. Maybe it just isn't in my place to care anymore? In many ways I feel like it isn't, on the other hand I feel like I ought to. 

Much has been going on since then. Much more is to come.

Strange is normal

It seems as though those worries I had were all unnecessary. This time there is no easy road, this time there is no hard road. There is just a road. It doesn't seem as though there is anything more to it. There is a road which I can choose to follow or not to, but since I am who I am I'm going to follow that road, just like I had meant to do to begin with.

There is always something strange happening. There isn't a time where things would ever be normal. Things which you don't expect present themselves all the time. The strange feelings will never disappear. They're a part of me. I'm a part of them. The option of a "normal" life just isn't there for me. I will always find these strange feelings, thoughts and things in my life. It may just be me who's strange who finds other things so strange.

All I can say is that I grasped happiness, if only for a second. There was happiness. There was hope. I felt it. Maybe that path is there for me as well?

My choices lately have put me in a position in which I do not know what is the best alternative. Part of me says wait up, another tells me to go for it full speed ahead. There is the part of me that wants, then there is that part of me which wants to be cautious and there's this part of me which doubts.

The Beast

These conscious slips, they tell something. There's a hidden message in these little cues. The monster is awake, the monster is hungry. He wants out. Sometimes I find it hard to contain myself. My cage gets rattled. The constant pounding makes me worry. I wonder when the bars will break.

There have been a lot of these slips. That which is contained is desperately trying to break loose. I've noticed how people have seen small pieces of these slips. People have never before noticed them, unless I wanted them to. Is my wall cracked enough for people to see through or was the pressure increased?

A new person has been born into this world. The unpredictable one, not even I myself can be sure of what his thoughts are. A sneaky one indeed. Some of us says that he's dangerous and shouldn't be let out. The rest of us think that he is exactly what we need to get out of this situation.

It's a gamble, that's for certain.

Easy vs. hard

Sometimes I wonder what's really right. Can the easy way also be right? Usually it feels like it's the hard way the right way.

The right thing isn't always clear. What would we be better off with?

Consequence

The reason was so clear. The message was louder than anything before. It said stay away. The answer was no before the question was asked which probably meant that I would do best to stay away. Things happened and I recieved the consequences of my actions.

One should not stray from the path...

Pain

Don't try to understand me or my actions. Chances are that you wouldn't really have a clue as to what I am up to even though you think your theory is sound. I don't think there is anyone who can really understand me or my actions or what I am truly up to...

My hands hurt, my legs are tired, my mind is weary, my heart pounds reluctantly. All these things around and inside me. The stench would bring tears to the eyes of anyone who would get close enough to feel it. The crackling sounds would bring anyone to his knees. The pain would make anyone scream till their lungs gave out. The air so thin that one tries to catch a breath but nothing seems to help.

Yet there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is all a trip. A trip we must all take sooner or later. Even though there seems to be no end to the trip, there always is. I've traveled on this road for a long time. I'm probably going to stay there for a long time still. I keep looking for ways to get off this road and find another. There doesn't seem to be any way off this road. All these possible exit points turn out to be dead ends.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

The thrill of oddity

No matter how strange life seems to get I always find myself in stranger and stranger situations. It's as if oddities were drawn to me. Maybe I just put myself in these situations. I suppose it's because I care I put myself in the situations I do find myself in. It's not like if I could blame someone else for it, even though it sometimes would be a lot easier. But then again what could I possibly accomplish by being so unfair?

Even though these strange situations are tiresome, I get a certain kind of thrill. That thrill is my addiction. Like a drug it feels good in one way, yet afterwards it leaves you empty inside with no real benefit. Along with these thoughts and situations my dreams have lately been far too connected for comfort. That is a thrill in itself. It goes beyond my comfort zone, which is rather exicting.

I can already feel the coming growth.

Just like that

My prediction came through. The dream I had became reality. That's the way it seems. Vanishing right in front of me with only a familiar fragrance left behind.

After the long drive home the answer came clear to me. A few reminders of what had been I saw what I wanted to come. The way I wanted things to be. I saw exactly how I thought things should be.

Having a clear perception of what one wants can be good some times, I suppose. But can it really help me now?

Life & Death

This is a time in life where I feel the absolute most alive, yet it is also the time in which I think most about death. I have many times thought of different scenarios where I meet the end of this life. Dreams have made me wonder if I'm up for a big change. I wonder if my own little world might shift sometime soon.

Last night as I lay awake in thought i wondered: "Am I capable of happiness?". I've always experienced this small doses of happiness at different points in life when something specific has happened. When I go through my everyday life I feel as though the concept of happiness is so unfamiliar, as if it were something that simply didn't fit in to it. Now this doesn't mean I'm especially unhappy. It just means that I don't really concider happiness to be all that important in my life. I am, on the other hand, keen on other peoples happiness. I want others to be happy.

The feeling of love is foreign to me as well. I do not wish it to be that way, but yet it is. Some times I wonder if I'd be better of giving up on love. What stops me from giving it up is the knowledge of what I might become if I left it behind me. Loving gives me too much, loving gives others too much and that would all disappear. That I do not want.

Dreams and Nightmares

Recently I've had a lot of dreams. Some pleasant, some not so pleasant. Last night I couldn't sleep because there where these specific thoughts running around in my head. After thinking about these things I also dreamt something related.

Last nights round of confessions felt good. It felt good having it said. Also it enabled me to accept some facts and move on. Life can really make you mad sometimes.

So it seems there are more rumors going round. Recently I heard a few more of them. Can't say I'm too happy about it. My decision had nothing to do with what people believe and things are not what they may seem. Just to get that clear.

Rumors

It's fun the way you didn't know things about yourself before, but then you hear it from someone else. So yesterday I spoke with some friends who were wondering if these rumors were true. So I ask them what rumors they were on about. So then I learn something about my life which I didn't know earlier. Life can be interesting that way.

But then again I'm not surprised at that rumor either. It was anticipated in one way or another. I know how it looks.

Suspence

Interesting choice of words. Interesting suggestions. As if it was a well-known fact, but the game rules are that no one is to speak of it. I've noticed these small hints, these small attempts to reveal something. I don't know what to think of this. This topic sure is interesting. Nobody even remotely involved seems to think otherwise.

The choice of words and the suggesting conversations have really got me thinking. It feels as though I should do something about this. Then there is this feeling of expectation. I am expected to do something about this whole situation. Is it really me who should be doing something or is it someone else? After asking myself this question the answer is fairly simple. Who else could I expect to do anything about it? I mean is there really anyone else who can?

Some rather amusing things have come up recently. The question is: Was it something that had always beem or was it something that had been added? I have reason to believe somethings have been amplified upon recent decisions. Though it may be somewhat concerning, I still have this strong feeling of guidence. I never really feel alone.

I give off hints here and there and give subconscious clues as to what is going on inside this head of mine. I wonder if they are going through or if they simply pass by like most of the clues I give. 

Since when did life become so.... exciting?

Reawakening

Sometime's your just right to think certain thoughts and expect to experience certain things. Somehow I wasn't at all surprised, as if I would have known what was waiting. Maybe it was the real reason I actually made my decision. Maybe it simply was a mistake, but to my benefit. Something's cam unexpectadly but it could just have been the circumstances. It's interesting.

A few discoveries were made. I could clearly see some things going on. I can't help but to feel guilty about it. As though I might be the one at fault. Maybe there is a conversation to be had. The way things are at the moment, I should probably wait a bit for this conversation. I have to be more sure of the facts before I proceed. This situation is a bit tricky because it was something I hadn't expected to happen. I never expected to find myself in this kind of situation. It's been such a long time since I had anything to do with this kind of thing that I'm unsure of what to o next. My past experiences tell me that there is that conversation to be had before I continue exploring.

All this is in a strange way very exciting. I feel so alive.

Hard decisions and great changes

My life has changed drastically to say the least. Some things which have had to be dealt with. Challenges on a whole different scale. Some valuable things have been discovered also. The path is once again found. Light has once again penetrated my eyes.Clarity presented itself after all this time. New energy and a new focus has been found. The once impossible feels very possible.

I seem to have found something which I had once lost. Something I've grown to be unfamiliar with. Something very reassuring. This summer has givven me a lot of time to think. These few experiences have thought me a lot. They reminded me of that which has been missing.

Finding your way back to yourself and that which you were meant to do feels great. It's like if I had become a new person. Or maybe more of myself decided to come alive once again, or maybe even for the first time? Words can't describe my experiences. These experiences are like nothing in this world. These experiences are not of this world.

Reluctancy

I'm reluctant in telling people things. I just don't feel the need to do so most of the time. Unless I have a certain message which I need to deliver of course. It's strange how superficial things interest people, but those important things are something most people try to stay clear of.

I think it's a bit funny how the world works. Anyone would ask you about where you live and what kind of a family you have and where you've gone to school, but next to nobody ever wants to get close to how this person is feeling. Sure people ask, but out of politeness. Most people seem to try to stay clear of any depth. No wonder lots of people are depressed nowadays. People in their surroundings don't want to get near your true self. As if there was a warning sign. Most of the people I've met haven't been shielding themselves so others won't get a chance to come close. Wouldn't it be rather if next to all my friends would be open enough and everyone else would be keeping everyone away.

Creativity

Something that's been on my mind lately. When will I ever get use of this creativity which I'm sure that I have inside of me. I'm feeling awfully poetic. As if there was this pressure inside. Something that wants to get out. How should one let it out? Should one tell another of one's creation?


The thing is that there are certain things which needs to be said, but I don't know how I should say it and whether or not even I should.

But after a moments thought, I probably won't ever open that door. There is no key.

Negativity

There's just some things in this world that are just stupid. Attitudes, why are people so negative so much of the time. It's like if there was nothing else but negativity. When thinking about all the negative remarks you hear during a whole day you start to wonder who stole their breakfast.

In a normal conversation I often find myself listening to complaints. Lots of these complaints are about other people. "Oh, he did that. He's so stupid. I'd take that as something really bad. He must be a complete idiot" and similar remarks. People go around poking in other peoples lives and makes negative comments far too often.

Sometimes I wonder what really goes on in people's heads. Why so negative? What have they ever done to you? If something happens to go wrong there's a whole load of complaints about it. You very rarely hear someone utter half as many words of appreciation when someone finally is able to do something right. I don't get why people have to be so negative about every single little thing that goes wrong. No wonder the world is such a miserable place when so many people go around like this.

Could it be that the reason that many people feel very bad about themselves is because of this behavior?

Procrastination is another thing that bothers me. I too procrastinate sometimes when I find that there are other things more pleasing. The thing that bothers me is when people knowingly throws away their time at stupid things and just waste time and then complain about how swamped they are. Why did you get yourself in this whole mess to begin with? Sure, plans change and you find yourself in an unanticipated situation and you simply don't have time for it, that does happen occasionally. I sincerely doubt that this happens as often as people come with the complaining about being swamped.

Who's day will you enlighten with your complaints? Think about it. Is there really anyone who's day is enlightened with your unending complaints and unwillingness to accept whatever help people are trying to offer you? I am aware of the need to let things out and not keep everything in that people have. But I think there are better ways of that than the never ending complaining about things you really only have yourself to blame.

I think we should all stop being so negative about everything all the time and look at the brighter side of life for a change. You might actually become that little bit happier if you do

Establishing Roots

You're roots aren't necessarily where your parents are from or who they are. I'm sure you establish your own roots. Maybe it comes naturally for most to establish their with their family. I suppose the apple might be picked up and moved from the tree to be planted in another spot. I'm sure we all have as say in where we'll find ourselves.

When browsing one's own mind one might realize that the reason to why you're so lonely is simply because of the distance between you and those people. For it is with those people you find yourself. You come out of your glass house in which you've hidden. Though most people are very nice acquaintances, they can't really replace the other special people in your life.

There is physical unhealth and psychological unhealth, but I believe there also is spiritual unhealth. I think that might be a reason to my state of mind. Like it or not we humans are multi-dimensional beings. That means we need more than one thing to satisfy our needs. The problem is that we don't really know what we need to feel satisfied. I don't think that it's simply a matter of having lower expectations. I think we can have high expectations and still feel satisfied. I think we simply have to take care of ourselves. Decide that we are happy and satisfy the needs of such thoughts.

This energy I feel is strange, but strangely satisfying. As if there's a newfound power which is meant for a certain task. It's the energy of change. I'm sure of it.

Frustration

This anger, this rage... Is there any end to it? I almost always find myself feeling this way, recently more frequently. I don't like it. It's as if I'd need to let it out on something, but there's nothing to take it out upon. The pressure is building up and even faster than before.

Mistrust, one can wonder why there's so much mistrust in the world. We can't all be that untrustworthy, can we?

Stranger Things Have Happened

Goddamn this dusty room
This hazy afternoon
I'm breathing in this silence like never before
This feeling that I get
This one last cigarette
As I lay awake and wait for you to come through that door
Oh maybe, maybe, maybe I can share it with you
I behave I behave I behave so I can share it with you

You are not alone dear loneliness
You forgot but I remember this
So stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know
I'm not alone dear loneliness
I forgot that I remember this
So stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know, oh oh, oh oh

And I dream about somewhere, a smoke will fill the air
As I lay awake and wait for you to walk out that door

I can change, I can change, I can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, I'm the same, I'm the same, what do you want me to be?

You are not alone dear loneliness
You forgot but I remember this
So stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know oh oh, oh oh

I'm not alone dear loneliness
I forgot that I remember this
You're not alone dear loneliness
You forgot but I remember this
Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know

I'm not alone dear loneliness
I forgot that I remember this
Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Strangled

I can't help but to feel this force, wrapped around my heart, squeezing me tightly. I feel immobilized. As if I were bound in a coffin. The life within seems so far away at the moment. More and more it feels unfamiliar. As if it no longer belongs to me. Gasping for air but can't feel the life force returning. I feel like I'm blacking out and my own efforts alone can't keep me conscious, but who will be there to revive me from my weakened state? Will there be anyone at all? I feel like I'm drifting through life alone with people by my side. What a contradictory feeling. Being alone with people by one's side.

Ridiculous. What an unnecessary thing. Why should one feel this way? I know there is no reason for feeling this blue, but I can't help it. I know and have identified the problem, but still that hasn't really helped me.

I wonder if people really care. I don't see anyone trying to change this state in which I currently find myself. As if a hug here and there would make a difference. What I want is to be understood. People don't understand me. I think it's because they don't really try. I doubt there would be anyone who would do anything just for me.

You could just call this seasonal depression, but the spring is coming and daylight is there and yet I feel this way. I don't feel like I can trust people. I "know" they'll just let me down for I have found that people tend to do so. I am sad that this has to be the reality I'm in. I run and hide whenever I get the chance. I don't expect anyone to search for me and no one does. I disappear and reappear and I wonder if anyone even noticed. They do notice, but I wonder: "Do they really care?".

The truth can sometimes be hard to handle. I can't say I feel very successful in life. I'm rather bad at it. Sure, I'll survive, but I won't ever be alive if this continues. In these three areas of life I feel I've just failed. I've tired and have not succeeded. I've looked and not found. I've been inadequate. Judging by my success rate, I can't say I'm very successful.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Unfamiliar in the familiar

The strange feeling of looking into something so familiar yet see something so unfamiliar. Why don't I recognize it any more? What is it that makes it change? What's causing the change. That which once was dead is no more. But what of now? What has happened? They feel so different even though I know exactly what they are. Why could they not just have reverted to their original state?

I need to find out this change. It's scary looking into the familiar and notice the unfamiliar. Is there such a thing as a comfort zone anymore?

Right or wrong?

Who really decides what's right and wrong? Who is it that tells us how we ought to be? Where's the difference between something being wrong with you and just being plain different from others? We feel the  pressure, we feel we ought to follow the norms of society. On many points we are all different from the norms. No matter how "normal" we consider ourselves or others to be we are all different from these expectations. We don't fill them for they are not always natural. Some things people consider to be obvious while others think those things are completely irrational. Some people see that they are different in some areas and wonder: "What is wrong with me? Why do I or do I not also feel like this?

Some times I wonder really what I should just consider to be something different and what I should consider to be "a defect". Being who I am, I often find that most of my thoughts and ways are odd and quite misunderstood by most people, I don't know when I should consider things to be something. I am careful to judge because I know that people have thoughts that are completely logical to the person thinking those thoughts, but to an outside observer they might seem a bit strange. Usually I just accept that it's just the way things are. People have strange thoughts and look at things in a strange way because of their own unique mind which takes them through a different thought pattern. They have their own logic behind the way they look at things.

It's not for me to judge.

Read

“Given all the things I’m doing that have disappointed you, I’m hoping you won’t just see this as another excuse or a way of manipulating you, both of which I’m very capable of doing and during other times have even been a master at.
In fact I’ve been so good at doing both of those, I’m afraid to tell you what I’m about to and have you think I’m just being dramatic and only trying to get attention or get out of taking responsibility for my actions and paying the consequences for them.
Today, I have a little bigger fish to fry.
I’m losing it. I’m losing my mind, my sense of who I am, of where I belong, and I’m spending more and more time wondering if life is worth living.
I know I don’t have any reason to feel like ending it, I know that so many people have it worse than me, I even know that I have all the reasons to live. I just don’t feel any of them.

I have felt alone for some time now. It hasn’t been a few days or even a few weeks. It’s been at least months.

Also the intensity of rage that I feel not only chills you — which I know is why you back off when it gets really ugly between us — it chills me.
I hate hating you more than I hate you. When I hate you at the level I’m capable of hating you I feel like destroying things. That has escalated and finally shifted to thinking of just destroying me.
But in reality, I don’t want to destroy anything, I just want to destroy the pain I feel and make it go away. But it won’t go away and I can’t make it.
The reasons I drink, do drugs and cut on myself — all of which scare the shit out of you — are because they all relieve me. When I’m stone cold sober and drug free and the pain and the craziness intensifies, all I can think about is numbing myself. I don’t do alcohol and drugs to get high, I do them to get by.
And when I cut on myself, which terrorizes you, I feel like I’m cutting out the pain or at the very least that I’m feeling something. And that gives me relief from the pain of feeling nothing.
Assuming you won’t rub my face in this — which might actually wake me up or push me over the edge, but I don’t think you want to play Russian roulette with me — you’ll probably ask me what you can do to help.
And I wish I had an answer to tell you.
Actually the answer I’d like to tell you, I am telling you by telling you this message and hoping you’ll “just listen.”
I think the hole in my being and the missingness at my core needs warmth from you mom — occasional kindness from pathetic, rational, lecturing, clueless dad is not the same — which I either think you can’t get to because all of us — including dad — fight you or because you no longer have any warmth, either because you didn’t get it from grandma or because it got worn out by all of us.
Dad, you’re not off the hook in this. I think you run interference between mom and me and try to keep the peace and then I think you find your home away from home when you get away to go to work or travel for work or play sports with your buddies.
Maybe a start would be if I saw each of you making the effort to understand me especially when you have no chance of really achieving it.
There is a good chance that neither of you will be able to understand me because I am as different from you as you are from each other, but it might help if I saw you continuing to try and continuing to ask or say things to me like:
‘Tell me what’s happening and how you feel in another way, because I see that I’m not getting it and I want to get it. And then tell me at its worst, what that’s like.’
And if I push you away, you might do well to stand firm and say, ‘We can’t go away because as your parents we can’t allow you to feel so alone in hell and we’ve got to do whatever we can to get you out. Sorry to tick you off, it’s in the parents rule book which you’ll figure out when you become one.’ One of my friend’s parents actually sleeps outside her room on the floor which my friend both resents and feels safer with.
More importantly I think it might help if I saw you not getting so frustrated and throwing your hands up, because I keep pushing back and won’t agree to what you think should make me feel better. Going along with it to get you off my back hasn’t worked and actually makes me feel worse.
I think I can live with the pain, I just can’t live with suffering. I think the suffering happens when I feel alone in my pain for a long period of time and it doesn’t let up.
I think if I could feel less alone from the inside out, I could listen to what you and the world are telling me from the outside it.
Feeling alone is feeling that I am unpaired with what everyone seems to have.
Being unpaired with a future worth living causes me to feel hopeless; being unpaired with any help that I or others can provide causes me to feel helpless; being unpaired with a reason to go on causes me to feel that everything is both pointless and meaningless; and being unpaired with doing or accomplishing all the things I’m supposedly capable of causes me to feel worthless.
And feeling unpaired with all of those things cause me to feel des-pair.
I feel like I am trapped in a deep dark cold mine shaft, have run out of food and water and am running out of oxygen and time.
I keep hearing people digging to find me. I hear them thinking they have found me and are all excited. But what I know that they don’t know is that they’re digging in the wrong direction because one of them got a glimpse of a doll in a different mine shaft that I left there many years ago and everyone thinks it’s me.”

Dead Eyes

When I look into those eyes I feel uneasy. When I look into those eyes I feel as though something is wrong, but I can't quite get it. As the uneasiness grows I am compelled to look away. When I look back I see who's face those eyes belong to, that's what's wrong.

Those eyes don't go to that face. Those are the eyes of a dead person.

That gaze

Oh what a gaze. What a gaze. As if it saw right through you. As if there where no secrets. Nothing could hide from that gaze. As if that gaze saw precisely everything. Those eyes seemed to see everything.

How could they be so piercing?

Hidden and lost

I realized today that I sleep a lot better now since we came back from the Philippines. But also I've realized more things which are more or less sad. Sad truths about how things really are. Mostly about me. Now I'm wondering, has these things just been suppressed earlier or is it something new. My analysis says that it's maybe a bit of both.

I really need to change these things. And when I think about it I am quite clear about what needs to be done. Now the challenge is getting those things done. But I worry about the success of my plans. If they really will make things better or if they'll only make things worse. Things can go both ways. I just have too little faith in that course of action. Don't really believe it will change for the better. Which hinders me from taking that course of action. But we'll have to see. It still feels as though that is supposed to be done. This is a situation when logic and intuition conflicts with each other.

I myself have to make certain changes and I know what they are. It seems to me as though I have lost a part of myself and I need to retrieve it once again. There is a part of me that's hidden which I miss. And I'm sure others do to. At least there are some people who do.

Complications

There always is something going on. Usually more than one thing at a time. Is it not personal directly someone close to you is hurting which makes it personal. People hurt each other. Say things they don't mean. Say things which makes one worry. Being gone really erased these memories. Let me live life more or less without all these things in my mind. Where I could focus solely on what conserned only myself and those involved. I wasn't bothered by the problems of my near and dear. As if a great weight was lifted. Soon after coming home I once again realized that things are not all okay here. There are so many big problems going on.

Why is everything so complicated? Really, what's the big deal. Why do people screw things up all the time like this (including myself). It's so unnecessary! If we only were capable of being more honest with each other. Wouldn't things move more smoothely? I mean if people knew what was what, could they not make a wiser decision than to run around in circles in the desert looking for answers which they know won't be found yet still continuing to run around? Sometimes I get sick of seeing it happen right in front of me.

What probably hurts the most is to look at the people you know being those people. Those keeping the answers away from people. So that the others all run around lost together with no idea. How could they do such things. I mean it's down right cruel and still they do it. Why? People who've always been considered by me to be good people.

Makes me wonder. Do people keep this useful kind of information secret from me aswell? Are people as dishonest with me as they are with others? I guess what we all need to do is to look inside of ourselves and look at the truth. Look at what we're really doing to others, how unfair we really are with each other.

There are always complications, many of which are completely unnecessary.

Back to Finland

I can't really say that I'm that thrilled being back. I can't say much has changed. People are all the same, nothing seems to have happened while I was gone. I can already feel myself falling into the same routines as earlier. To the same state of mind and the same person looking for solitude.

Weekend has come and I don't really know what to do. I'm already bored again. Nothing to do really. People are all going home or are busy with other things. It's kind of sad when you think about it.

The Word and the Image

In my state of thought a word was spoken to me as I was shown an image. The image was very unclear yet I understood exactly what it was representing. The message was so clear.

I took some time off today so I could put myself into it and realize what it all was about, here in my solitude. As I thought of these things which I had seen I started to wonder. Was the message really that clear in the end? Some alternative meanings presented themselves and once again I had a dilemma. Which of these things did this mean? Was it all of these things which the word and image represented. Was the word and image even related?

What did it mean I was meant to do? Should I do something special? Along my thoughts I saw a face of a sad familiar face. Is this person related to what I had seen.

I still feel as though I haven't quite grasped the answer to what needs to be done. At least I'm aware of the investment that needs to be made. Certain attitudes must still also change from many parts.

How does one accomplish such change?