Walking on water and breaking people out of prison

Sometimes these dreams make a real impression on you. The landscape was familiar to me yet it was a bit unfamiliar. Could it be that I had dreamt of it before and can't really remember or was it somehow changed. The feeling of walking on water was amazing. Putting such trust in something which you know shouldn't work and then it happens. You are walking on water.

Then we broke people out of prison. It was like if it was a divine will to do so. I could see how certain bystanders really disliked it but didn't do anything about it. I know they wanted to, but they didn't. They didn't dare take action against because they knew that it was something big going on which they should not meddle with.

It felt as though the dream was speaking to me. That there was a message. Something was trying to be said, but what exactly? Still I think I know.

End of Camp

(I just have to say it's fun when people comment, keep on the good work!)

Today everybody went home and camp was over. I have to say I am a bit relieved. Though people are nice and interesting they were a bit many and all around a bit too much. Some people noticed that I didn't really mingle with people around camp like everybody else. Strange feeling when people actually seem to notice things in my behaviour, or it's just that people back home don't care to say anything. So it turns out I'm very mysterious. I don't know if that's good or bad. It's nice if people like to get to know me but Philippina women are a bit dangerous. It seems like a simple smile will make people think you are interested and want to get married, or so I'm told.

It's quite nice with people who are so easy to talk to. People who are nice to strangers and people who just simply help each other. The trust between people here is very big. The way small children can run around the village freely and parents don't need to be worried since people around here take care of each other.

Certain things here are a lot better than back home. Finland should maybe learn a bit about Philippino culture, I think that would make life easier and nicer for people.

Yesterday I spoke to this person. We started to exchange thoughts on different subjects and so on and eventually he opened up to me. He told me about his life and what had happened and how badly it had effected him. He told me of his previous lifestyle and everything. It was nice because it seemed as though I really made a difference. I spoke to him today and he was very happy that I had spoken with him the day before and he felt that my advice and my support really helped him.

I feel like I could continue this lifestyle forever. It feels really great being here and helping people and making a difference. Going around and visiting different people who you actually don't know at all and of course messing around with the locals. I really feel that this trip has been a good one and that it will, in the end, rejuvinate me and my mind.

When I come home I will be stronger than ever and I will overcome.

Surprise

I think those two comments on my previous post must be the first comments I've got on this blog. I'm rather surprised but very thankful.

Things here in the Philippines have been hectic. No real time to relax. Sure we've had our days with a lot less program than others but still I don't feel like any of us have really been able to relax. Even though I sleep at night it doesn't feel like I get enough sleep. It's like if I'm always fatigued, but maybe it's because of the heat?

The children here are a bit fun. If you play with them even a little then they're your best friend. I could adopt this one fellow right here and now and he'd be trilled. Problem is we don't understand each others languages.

After some time away I've had some time to think about everything back home. I dreamt one night that I had found the solution, at least to one of my problems. I have some trouble remembering what that was though, pity.

Philippino people really know how to party! (the amount of food there was at the party yesterday). It was a nice party yesterday but I was a bit too tired to really enjoy the evening. Tonight we'll have a camp for the Philippines. Some of the others will have something to say. But that was maybe some of the other days of the camp. We'll see.

The Philippines

So here I am, in the Philippines, in the heat. Much has happened. I've seen a completely new world out here. People who think completely differently from how we do. I haven't really gotten too close to to people here. I haven't really felt like getting to know them.. It's not that it's anything wrong with them but I just prefer to keep my distance and a bit more to myself. Even in the team I keep a bit to myself. I'm not really a part of the team, I'm just there with them.

Here I'm not treated like the others. People would go like "hey, americanos" to the others but they wouldn't really care about me. So I feel quite left out. But what can I do? Being brown has it's consequences.

I don't quite know how to react to the fact that people around me seem to have little faith in me. How some may "panic" at the thought of teaming up with me when going out and doing missionary work. I don't understand how it could be so dangerous? But I guess I'm just not that trustworthy in peoples eyes.

I really feel the need to speak with someone but I don't know who that would be. I don't know the team well enough to share my thoughts with them.

Some people are so locked down in their own way of doing things they leave no place for change. And when others do differently they get irritated. What's the big deal?

I'm surprised at the level of complaining and the number of insignificant thing there seems to be to complain about. No wonder people in scandinavia are so depressed. If everyone complains about everything all the time of course there's no room for happiness. I think the world needs to lighten up. Why complain about every little thing that isn't comfortable. I feel this is one of the big reasons people are sad and miserable. Because they focus on everything that's wrong. Compared to here I feel people should just keep quiet about all of their endless problems and think more about others. Is it not in others we find happiness in the end? People are so self-centered.

But I guess it's only me who tries to be optimistic, or so it seems anyway. Anyone out there to prove me wrong? (it's not a rhetorical question, it's meant to be answered)

I've seen things happen that I've never before witnessed. People regaining hearing after we've prayed for them. Since we came here I've felt this strange energy from within me. An energy which I can only describe as white. When I close my eyes and focus on it I imagine it. I see how this white essence flow through people and driving away the darkness within. It's really an experience.

I know that when I come home my problems will still be there waiting for me. I don't think anything will have changed after this holiday. I expect to come home to the same situations. The thing is I still don't know what to do, I have yet to be enlightened. How does one solve a problem such as this? It would be easier if people were willing to listen and act. All they seem to do is listen, if even that. I have no influence there.

It's hard keeping relationships alive. I mean those that really have a difference in life. I have to say my relationships have more or less died out. Where in the world will I find the motivation to revive them and then keep them alive? It would surely be something I would have to to by my self. Like most things. People aren't really there for me. So it's hard for me keeping them close. I'm still always there for them, in hope there will be a change. But I'm doubtful. I'm not that important. People won't do anything for me, why would they?

Also there's no telling people about my feeling since they only get hurt by the fact you don't completely like everything they do and that you think they're doing things that only hurt themselves and others around them. Most of these people can't take such feedback. I feel like I'm not able to be honest so it's better if I say nothing at all.

Now how's that for existence?

Hurt

Broken relationships hurt... a lot...

Communication

Communication on my end doesn't seem to work. Either people are just stupid or it's just me having a way with words that make people believe things I never really meant in the first place. My casual thought stream seems to make people around me believe I'm trying to send a specific message and that there's a special agenda I have because I'm saying anything at all.

I think it's more me than others. That I'm the real reason why people get me wrong. But what should I do really? The easiest would be to just not share my thoughts with people but where's the fun in that? If one can't share his thoughts with others then where should he then let them out? I mean sitting on one's own thoughts only make life difficult. I think it's very unhealthy to bottle up things like that. But then again who knows? Maybe I'd be just better off not having my casual thoughts made public to my friends. It just seems to go wrong anyways. This is yet another casual thought but I can only expect it to be received just as another one of those things that is meant to send a message.

Truth is I publish my thoughts relevant to my life. But people tend to think I mean something special. I do admit some things have been written so that certain people would read and possibly understand. But that's it. Just to understand. I don't expect much else than people trying to understand. But I guess I'm hard to understand. The reason to this is still quite unclear to me. It's like half of the things I say are perceived in a wrong manner. Or do I just say them completely wrong? Or maybe it's just that people just don't believe that I simply mean what I say and don't have anything hidden between the lines?

I'm just not that good at communicating as I'd like to think.

Mind food

I just got my mind food. Something which I've been missing. Gone through some real deep stuff. Spoken about life and people in a completely different manner than I usually do. I think we've realized some real truths, or at least I have. Feels like ages since my mind was stimulated in such a matter. It feels like a step up.

With this I realized within myself how I've slowly but surely glided towards the easier path. From once being a dedicated thinker I've strode closer and closer towards the path of the egocentric. My thoughts have more or less been kept to myself. My world has shrunk significantly as of late.

Lifted weights

This weekend was something I really needed. Away from life as I know it. Isolated in an cold cocoon surrounded by friends. It's been along time since I've done anything of the sorts. Long time since I actually did anything with friends. It's been something else than the normal half-conversations I've been having as of late. Not the same meaningless wasting of time which doesn't make anything feel better. Certain things have been nice but they've only had trivial changes in my life. Just wasting time on meaningless complaining about things we cannot change. In the end it doesn't really matter. It will never change. Things will forever be of the same nature only different places and different times. So why complain about the inevitable future? There will always be thing to do. There will always be a lot going on. There will always be a need to prioritize and leave somethings behind. One has to learn to decide what is truly important and do what one can to keep it close and not let go. But I guess that's kind of what's happened. Only that the words and actions don't match.

When being away like this I felt life. As if it was something I haven't experienced in a long time. It was as if a great weight had been lifted. There was a sense of purpose in being there. We were doing stuff that I felt had meaning. Something concrete that I truly will have use for now and in the future. A constructive way of communicating without any complications. We learned stuff about each other. I was more direct and honest than I've been able to be in a long time. It felt nice, having a group of people who you feel you could share such things with. Of course there are a lot of things which I left out. But there where these few things that I wouldn't have been as open with as in normal circumstances.

Maybe there never was a weight that was lifted. Maybe the weight wasn't lifted but shared? Maybe I only felt a lighter weight because it was one that I had now been able to share like never before?

I look forward to going to the Philippines. I think that will do me good. Not only for practical reasons but spiritually as well. I think it will give time for my soul to mend it's wounds and scars. I believe that this trip will be life changing. There will be a rejuvenation me as a whole. Both body and spirit.

Lovely times

Yesterday was great crack. Haven't really had so much fun in a while it seems. Making new acquaintances, just having relaxed conversation with no need of any thought to the matter. I wonder why these feelings arise so seldom. Is it because I may hold these things at bay? Like if I don't welcome these situations usually. But then I don't find that to be true. I'm usually welcoming to things that I find nice and fulfilling. Do those things even present themselves at all anymore? How come I've become so picky? It's like I'm there and I could enjoy many moments just like the ones yesterday but still can't find myself to enjoy it.

Under which circumstances am I able to enjoy myself? What's so different from everyday and yesterday? I can only find one solid reason. But can it really matter that much? Personally I think it's silly. This whole problem. There shouldn't be any reason to these feelings. It's just plain stupid. But I guess that's just what the psyche is, just plain stupid and irrational. Why can't I just adjust to the situation like any other? Usually I'd have no problem adjusting. Why do I have problems now?

New Family Member

So it seems our family tree once again has expanded. I have not yet met this nameless lass but I'm looking forward to it.

Thoughts of a Peculiar Mind

I've started my second blog now. If you want it you may ask for it.

An extra blog

I was thinking of creating an extra blog. One with thoughts not directly relevant to my life. Things that I just think of but never get to share, that kind of thing. I'm currently researching men and women and getting facts straight. Learning what most people are oblivious to. I many times find things I want to share but I just don't get around to doing it because I can't really place it here with my thoughts on my life.

I usually make up quotes and stuff like that and it'd be nice to see what people say about them. Something where people might just comment on while my personal life doesn't seem to be comment-worthy.

Probability

I am not in here. Even if I tried harder I wouldn't be here. I'm not here nor will I probably ever be. I'm just not meant for here. Even though I try I'm reluctant to participate in the activity of others. It doesn't matter. It's a bit sad not really being there. But I don't fit in. The lack of meaningful conversation and friendships are taking a great toll on me. I am very unhappy. Being surrounded by a crowd yet still being quite alone. Though it is very much my fault for not engaging in anything involving my peers. Though it doesn't seem to matter all that much. They all leave me to my solitude. Though I can't really blame them. I wouldn't say I'm very inviting towards them. All that noise, that meaningless noise. There is absolutely no reason to make so much noise. Sometimes you just want to yell at them and tell them to shut up. But I don't want to make a scene. I don't want to have anything with it to do.

But why would I be? I'm not happy with them. I haven't been in far to long it seems. And I don't see any change in that at all. The future is gloom. Of course it's not all bad. There are those rare occasions when I touch that happiness, the brief feeling of belonging. But these feelings never last.

I asked the school nurse about my sleeping problems. Physically there shouldn't be anything which causes my insomnia. So obviously there's something within the mind which causes it. The school nurse thought I should go to Klaara and talk to someone. I myself am against the thought. But I guess it's worth giving another shot. The psychologists I've met in the past have not been able to pinpoint anything of significance. Nothing that I haven't myself figured out. Then again I probably never gave them enough of a chance to help. I guess bad experiences haunt you. The experiences have made me very skeptical towards psychologists. There doesn't seem to be any good ones. But I guess it's just a matter of taking a proper look. I've been to two places within a years time and both were useless. Klaara sent me to tonårspolikliniken who sent me to two different psychologists which none helped me.

But I guess I'll have to give it another shot.

Changing directions

As I go through life I think of what has been and what the future holds for possibilities. I have more or less found my crowd. I have found my way back to old friends and new possibilities. I've changed the path I was on and now I feel a lot more optimistic. I no longer feel the same emptiness as before. Not because my everyday situation has changed very much but just that I've gotten used to it and accepted the way things are and moved on. I've found something else which probably will be more important to me than what I've had. Something a lot more stable. I feel we're more or less on the same level which is a great comfort.

It's still sad leaving things behind but I guess that's life. Not that it's never been done before but I felt this time it was more of a pity than earlier. Before my path had moved on. Now I'm still at the same place with things left out. Relationships with others aren't as good as they have been and I suspect they never really will be. There are so many unspoken words, so many things to say. But no one there to tell. There is no point in speaking for nothing spoken would be taken in account. I cannot share my life stories as I once could which bothers me. I would like to have this person to tell everything worth while to. But I don't thing there's anyone here who's really capable of it.

People have their problems and therefore they have no room for the problems of others. They don't have time to spend on other peoples needs. It's not that it's hard, it's more like there's not enough energy left to do it. While ghosts of the past continue to haunt the conscious mind from the subconscious, the ghosts of reality seem to ensure that the traveler dares not enter the dark forest which is the unknown.

When living with your imaginary friend for so long how could one live without him? He's been there for so long he's affected every decision you've made the past 15 years. How does one break free from this? My thoughts wander off into the abyss of the unknown frequently to explore the different possibilities, but my question is, does anyone else's? I keep wondering to myself if there is anybody else who cares about that which lies beneath that which is obvious.

In my experience people don't listen very much to what you say, they constantly try to find the alternate meaning behind your every word even though there never was an alternate meaning to begin with. Are people just that paranoid or why is this? Have people seen to much movies with people saying one thing expecting the person to take it a certain way while then actually meaning a totally different thing. Do people always look for the deceit in everybody else's words or is it just me? I've often realized that I've said exactly what I've meant and people have taken it in a completely different way. I've been really surprised at times how bizarrely wrong people can interpret simple words.

I had a strangely relaxed conversation with an old acquaintance to whom my relation has been rather tense to the most part. I was quite surprised at the whole situation. I never really thought that would happen any time soon. But it was good. A less strained relationship, at least from my part. The strain has mostly been my fault because I've deliberately kept a distance. Not really allowing us to come any closer each other. It's not exactly due to stubbornness but a significant part. After certain events I had come to recent the whole thought of change. Expecting it to change eventually but not really doing anything to make it happen.

After gaining a new knowledge of privileges and the rules which apply to getting these privileges I've started playing with a thought. A thought that's been there all along but I've never thought of it as a possibility since I thought I wouldn't get these specific privileges. But now since I learned that my reasons are good enough I'm thinking of pursuing these thoughts. It would make life a lot easier. Just thinking about it is exciting. But those plans would be a year from now. Still it is rather exciting.

Changing roles

Changes come and go. Some roles disappear while others appear. Some resurface and other submerge into nothingness. Most of my earlier roles have been changed all at once. I am no longer the same person as I used to due to the fact that I haven't got the same role in other peoples lives as before. I'm no longer best-friends with people anymore. I'm just an ordinary friend. Or I'm just the guy you come to when in pain and then when you're done you leave that guy alone and keep him at bay. Nothing really close. Get the solution and get out quickly.

But maybe people just don't understand that I too feel lonely and need friends to surround me. At rare occasions people do notice how distant I am but it's not like if they'd feel the need to do anything about it. But then again what could they possibly do? Their personalities don't really fit the bill and that's probably how this situation arose to begin with. It's not really the error of others, it's more us not being quite compatible at this time. I think it's just that at this time we cannot have what once was. We've changed too much in different directions. Taken different paths. Or maybe it was I who strode away from the horde. That sounds more logical. I've changed more than my surroundings. I see them the same way I always have, only for me standing in a different spot.

But then there are other things as well. I don't feel at home anymore. It's like it isn't my home anymore. As if I'm no longer any part of it. It doesn't understand me nor do I quite understand it. The reasons are shattered but strangely clear. I don't see how I can change this. I'd have to suddenly become "easy" them to understand me. There's so much going on behind the obvious. Should I just kill it to make myself easy to understand. But wouldn't that be killing a part of myself. A part of myself which I find so important. That which makes me the person I am. How else would I be able to make those decisions.

What would happen if I simply uncomplicated my thoughts. Would I still me remotely the same person? Would people still see me as me. Would people truly understand me better or would they even try? Do they even try? Am I really that complicated or am I just too reserved for people to truly see me?

Is this too far beyond my ability to direct things or do I just need a new strategy?

Eased thoughts and disturbed sleep

I've been able to express some of my concerns. But still it feels fairly the same. There is a change in behavior but I suspect that's about it. My guess it will take at least till summer before there will be any significant change if any at all. I don't expect anything other than that. But I shouldn't expect anything after that anyways. When I think about it I don't see any change in the future. Sure, there is a possibility, there always is, but I don't really believe in it. There will always be something that prevents any significant change. But at least I got to express my feelings about the matter and my mind has eased a bit.

Still I see people in suffering. Some of new things and some are still haunted by their past. Not being able to let go of their feelings. Helpless to help I try to convince them of the same things over and over but it seems to have no effect on the matter whatsoever, besides the fact that I show my support. But I want to give more than just that. I want to help.

Sometimes what's going on is hidden. You have no real way of knowing if what you're thinking is correct of completely off course. Still you try to make it clear for the people in need what they're feeling. Let them themselves understand what exactly caused the current feelings and in that way of understanding try to help them find a solution themselves. Though since I have no real insight to these matters I can't do much more than show support and try to help them in any way possible.

While haunted by ghosts of the past certain things might be hard to overcome. Something's been going on for quite some time and there seems to be no end but still some positivity has sprouted. There is hope. Things are going up. The light is growing but still it's a journey left before one can enter the light. Let the feelings bloom once again and experience life. So long has one been without the experience of life, it feels completely dull. There is little which makes difference. Everything is gray and nothing tastes good.

While thinking of these thing one might realize how little they can do to change these situations. There are to may factors to even know little yet react upon. Finding the deep reason behind each problem and then solving every little tricky riddle. There is a riddle within everybody. Some easier than others. I have found people are generally not very hard once you get to engage in meaningful conversation. Most people are rather ordinary. Most people are rather alike in some way or another. Everyone is different and unique but some of these factors are common in just about anyone.

But there are quite interesting exceptions to this. Those who seem to be completely different in such matters. I have found myself in this category. But I know that I'm not alone. I know people with similar differences. They are not like mine but still they fall under the same category of strange. Some things are exactly alike which would be quite odd, while other things are completely without any ordinary connection. There seems to be no reason for a certain reaction. Certain reactions seem to come out of the blue. I know they don't come out of the blue. Usually I realize that I've triggered a reaction. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I'm completely without basis so I would've had no idea to what caused it. Sometimes no idea to what was caused. Some reaction that I am unable to identify. They fall under the category of negative but that doesn't still give me much of a base to continue from.

Sometimes I feel completely clueless. And I blame myself for it. I feel as though it was my obligation to have understood that. An obligation to know how to react and how to handle things. But then imperfections arise and one realizes some of the shortcomings one has. In this area of life there is great pressure. To have to know and understand everything. To come with conclusions and solutions to the eventual problems and give warning to future problems.

Though I expect people to be completely open with me in such occasions, I'm never open with them. There is always something going on. And those few times anyone asks what's going on the question is usually just shrugged off. Just saying that there is nothing going on or just quickly giving a half-truth and change the subject turning it around to the other person. I know people a lot more than they know me. People have no real understanding of how I work. People don't know when there is anything going on in my life. Am I just subconsciously hiding behind a veil or are people just that ignorant. Or is it that they are just incapable to handle any of my problems or concerns. Why do I have to almost force people to listen before I feel heard? What is it that makes me walk around with things on my mind to myself while other get help. Since when did I become this reserved? Was it because I was needed and shoved my thoughts and feelings aside and just simply got that role. The role as the one you can open up and speak to but never the one who needs speaking to. The one who doesn't need it. The one who has no problems?

I have found that it is very rare that people come up to me and start a conversation. It is mostly I who start asking those catch-up questions making sure people are alright. Sure people make jokes and stuff with me but there are no sincere words. It's all just a joke. No real conversation. But I guess that's just life. I don't know if I'd accept people changing their attitude after possibly reading this blog. I'd just think that they're doing it because they feel a slight bit of guilt and that they need to keep their image of being a good and caring friend. But in truth I find it hard to believe they really are. Or am I just their exception to that rule?

I have loads of acquaintances but no real friends.... What happened?

I wake up every night wondering about these things, looking for the answers

Paranoia

I guess it was the words of another which woke these feelings and thoughts. A new perspective to be more exact. But one which I do not like. The thought of that being a reality is quite disturbing. To think such a thing may be possible. But I just couldn't have pictured it a possibility before. But then I saw it. Signs of the possibility. I noticed something. A certain vibe. The feeling of observation. And the source in my case not so great. I'd rather just forget it and remain ignorant to the possible fact. Though there seems to be no going back. Was that just a means of deception? Very unlikely. To put up such a great charade for that supposed reason just can't be. I'd expect something more direct and quick. So there are more things that tell me that it cannot be but still there is a small chance. But that again would be thinking very very lowly of someone. But then again I've experienced in my past that there is certain reason to do so. But that just doesn't seem to be an option. That would just be too low. But then again such a situation has arisen in the past so why could history not repeat itself. But I'd find it quite hard to believe that someone would do that in this magnitude of wickedness. So still I don't think it to be true after all. Still there is doubt. Still I precieve this as a meant threat. From my part there is no threat but it feels somewhat intended. There's something in that gaze which makes these feeling arise combined with the thought of such a possibility.

One can never be sure...

These things are all linked

New activity

Now this will be an experience. Trying out new things. Might this give me the means to let out my creativity? At this point in time it looks promising.

NIghtmares become reality

As I went though a certain scenario I realized that I was reliving a dream which I had this one night. That same feeling of knowing that things aren't right. The same chest, sitting on the floor with dark surroundings and an unpleasant feeling welling up inside. Something going wrong. Or maybe just a wider perspective and more insight of what is really going on all the time. Just something we've all seemed to miss. Not really realize. All these misses.

With realization that my dream had become reality, memories of how I woke up gasping for air with a terrible feeling arose from that night. That same familiar feeling spread throughout my mind. Remembering such a situation which never actually happened feels downright strange. There was such detail. The same unique feelings, the same floor, the same chest and a persons face which was not revealed.

Dreams that become reality are unnerving to say the least...

Disbelief

What I said earlier probably won't matter. Doesn't seem like there will be any change after all. I was probably just imagining things or I just saw what I would have wanted to see.

Still the situation seems to have changed somehow?

Notice...

It seems as this blog has either been read or someone has noticed my recent behavior. Is it just me or was that look one of regret? Was there really something behind it or is it just wishive thinking? I'd like to think that there has been some notice to my reluctance to engage in conversation or even stay within their vicinity. But though notice has been made will it further into any kind of significant change or will it remain the same still? This has yet to be tested. This was only one incident. This was one time. Will there be a second incident or will there be but one?

Though signs are being seen will those who saw them care to follow?

Withdrawal

Today I was shocked to know my own reaction. I saw those intentions and I flinched. I looked away, waiting for the question. This was no big thing. Nothing was at stake. There was no threat. Yet I pulled away, away into my own world. Avoiding conversation. These withdrawals are getting more and more serious. The question that remains is what there is to do about it now. How does one change such a course. Can one such as myself turn away from this current path. I find these things hard to see in front of me. I don't believe for one second I'll ever change this current path. I don't believe I'll find a big enough reason to do so. I'm trapped in my current situation and there's nothing to set me free.

Will this path be one of liberty or one of greater pain and solitude?

Closer to the truth

When in thought the mind tends to tell you things. When in conversation you easily realize what your true thoughts are upon a matter. Realizing that one is having a burnout but not feeling stressed. Then the question arrises, "how?". I now know I have similar symptoms to those who are burning out. Though I still feel like a very relaxed person. I don't feel stressed. What would I be stressed about? I have no real worries. I just don't feel as I have felt. Too much has disappeared. Too much good is gone from my earlier everyday life. Too many new annoyances have turned up in my life. In my everyday life. I've pulled back, taken distance. Because I just don't like my surroundings any more. I never thought that group of people could've had such a big difference in my life. I never expected to find people so annoying. How irritating it would be being stuck right in the middle. So many things just turning sour with no real upside to anything.

As some blossom, others wither and die

I've been thinking a bit. Since recent times have come to show me new revelations I see how the course of life goes as it usually does. People come and people go. I've seen how my friendships have grown and also how they have withered. To be honest I've lost more than what I've gained. I don't have the same contact with those close as I did before. I'm not anyone's close friend anymore. I have nobody close. There's still this gap between me and my friends. More in some than others. Even those I once had really close have gone further away. Some due to distance and some due to reasons that are mostly unknown to me. But I can understand. It's not completely strange. I mean some I just haven't brought close. I have realized that I am more reluctant to sharing my experiences than before. Now I find it more unpleasant than before to share my most inner thoughts. Nobody knows what goes on inside. Do I really know myself anymore? I don't feel like anything has significantly changed within myself but somehow I don't have the same light on the matter as before. I feel something inside which I cannot identify and no one to share my thoughts on the matter. I have people whom I trust but I just don't have the possibility to actually look into it any further with this person.

I must say it feels a bit lonely, this self imposed solitude. To be so close yet so far away. Always being a second hand friend. I see the possibility to step into the primary friend zone but still the thought strangely puts me at unease. It's just that I don't really feel "at home". But I don't really feel like there's anything that anyone can do about this. But do I really want anyone to do anything in the first place? Is there really anything I want others to do? Do I really want anyone involved? I guess the answer must be no. I don't want people to do anything. I don't want them to know. I want to keep these thoughts and feelings beneath the surface. Instinctively I keep all these thoughts and feelings on the matter to myself. The thing that worries me is that I'm not sharing anything with anybody. Before I've always had someone to share things with. But never everything to everyone. I guess I don't trust most to understand. Most people I "trust" wouldn't understand. Because I guess it's a male phenomena. And I have no male friend which I really trust. Some are not quite knowledgeable others are not quite in tune with me. Unfamiliar to my thought patterns and experiences. And I feel no need to explain my life situation nor do I feel the need to speak of my past.

I want somebody close yet I keep them away because I don't want them close, now isn't that a confusing behavior?

Easier to Run

Reflecting over life usually tells you the most obvious truths. Truths which are so obvious they're sometimes hard to realize. One thing I realized is that I'd much rather not live in this reality. I'd like to live in another. Where certain things, in this world which are considered important, would be trivial. And this pressure wouldn't be so largely felt. Continuously being pressured into similar situations. The direction of life never really changing significantly. The same loop of reality going on. Always in the same spiral which only changes by the diameter. And the diameter is never changing. The simple instinct of nearly all humans is "fight or run". Why is it that reality is to either fight or lay down and get run over? Running in this society is just not a possibility. There is absolutely no gain to run. Any attempt at running will only result in you eventual capture, with a new punishment waiting. Even if you manage to completely dodge the captors you still get "captured" by one thing or another. A feeling, another persons feeling, regret, consequences and so on.. So many "have to!"s and "must"s... I'm sick of it all! When most things aren't even necessary. But their reasoning is "Although we have experienced some difficulties in the past this is what we have done for 40 years and over all it has worked". And when you say that you don't understand why there has to be this specific way of conduct when there is a second or a third option which at least in my case works better. But no! "That's not the way you're meant to do it. This is how I learnt this and you have to learn it this way as well". And when I say "This is not my problem, what I have difficulty with is over there" the response sound like " Yeah, i don't care. This is what everyone else has problem with so, so should you". Just like telling me "These pairs of glasses has worked for me for 40 years. So they should work just as well for you". I then say that I don't have the same eyes and that there's nothing wrong with my eye sight. The reply follows "Just do as I say and everything will be okay" completely without any diagnosis whatsoever. Always having all these quick fixes showered over you.

It would just be easier to run. Away from reality a while and to return to a more quieted down situation. But somehow people find it contemporary to hold a grudge in case there is something wrong... The most minor detail might have a "significant" difference in such cases..

Changes in Mind

It's funny really. How the course of ones thoughts change so quickly upon realizing and having certain matters confirmed to you. First believing something when seeing a certain pattern and then conversing with a person realizing that your previous thoughts were nothing more than one's own paranoia.

Recently I've noticed a change in my own character. I'm not quite the same as I have been. Being a good or a bad thing is yet to be uncovered. I don't really have anyone to speak with and share my experiences for there is no one that close anymore. I hate to admit it but it seems I've drifted apart from my friends. Some due to distance, which is very regrettable, and others through lack of closeness. Like if we just don't have all that in common anymore. I seriously wonder why... But I guess that's just life. People come and people go sooner or later with all different reasons and everyone having their own little significance. I can think of very few to this rule. Still even their friendship is at strain..

How does one change such a reality?

Life goes on

Once again I'm sitting here with my other life in Vasa. Right now looking back on what was. Those people who are missing. Those who were a big part of last year. To think people missing from a scene can make all that difference. As I think of them missing I also think of those who are now in their place, only a few years younger. I don't know what to think about that. It's not the same anymore. There's such a big part missing. It's too big to forget about. But then again, why stay stuck in the past? As time moves on people come and go. Some stay longer than others but in the end they all leave one way or the other.

I don't know what to say about my new room mates. They're so different from my previous ones. And different from each other as well. I don't really like the situation to be frank. But that's one thing I'll just have to cope with.

Change is inevitable...

Rough Roads

I guess you shouldn't be surprised really. Something's always bound to happen sooner or later. You'll always find a rough road here and there. Sometimes your method of getting past doesn't work as smoothly as usual or expected. You could say my gameplan wasn't that great for this event. My cargo was too fragile and so it seemed to have broken. The condition is yet unconfirmed for it wasn't looked at enough. Just kind of left for dead? I'm not at ease leaving things like this. Completely unnecessary. Should at least leave it at an angle that's workable? Wouldn't that be best?

I'll just have to go on and see if there might be any more options later on.

Ghosts of the Past

As I went about with my work my mind once again raced through a series of thoughts. I realized that the time of relaxation is soon to be over. Even though I haven't felt very relaxed really. I don't feel like this time has helped me very much at all. When I think about it this summer hasn't really been all that great. There's been loads of stuff going on and problems everywhere. No real rest. No vehicle so it's been hard to get around. I haven't been with all the people I wanted to be with.

A mere week and reality's back again. The world once again starts and there will be other things which occupy the mind, hopefully. Being here for this lenght of time has given me a clearer view of the reality of today. Of what has become of that which was. A sad truth indeed. Mere words don't seem to be able to penetrate those blocks. The gates seem to be shut tightly. Such ignorance. Pathetic really.

When thinking of what is waiting I start to see them. A continuation of those closed chapters. Imagining what is waiting. In my thoughts I then see them, the Ghosts of the Past. Playing with my mind. Showing me unpleasant things. Things which are very unlikely though. I sencerely doubt these events truly could play out yet the feeling is still there as if they really are.

Camporee

After being gone a week from everyday life I've come to see different things. Things that are somewhat amusing but still very missplaced. It's made me wonder how you can missplace such a thing on such an unfitting person and not realize how wrong it really is? And on the other side you see something happening that is as bullseye as it gets. Such powerful words with a impressively good bodylanguage. Some familiar moments within this unfamiliar moment. Just like if I've been here before doing this exact things seeing the exact things and thinking the exact same thoughts. Something very familiar with the whole experience.

Still one may wonder what really happened and why?
Does simple explanations not suffice any more?

Ascension

As certain transformation is made, some ascensions take place. As one's understanding evolves and grows deeper, one's mind ascends even higher to an even higher level than before. To another class entirely. When looking into the situation from a third person view I realize my relations to others have changed. It's not the same as it used to. We are no longer on the same level. Where I have seen little change in others, I have found great change in myself. The way my mind works is so different from previous years. Previous months even. It seems to change faster than anyone is able to comprehend. No one seems to see that change. Nobody seems to notice. This being said I haven't really done anything to show anybody. Not that I'm hiding anything but I'm not doing anything special to show it. Nor should I have to.

But if I never do, will anybody acknowledge me for me and not who I was?

Contemplations and Realisations

So here I am, back in Ireland. First time in 4 years or so. Things really do change in time. I've met my new cousin and those other cousins which lived abroad last time I was over. But to my disliking I've managed to grow apart from the rest of the lads. To me they don't seem to have changed at all. It's a pity really, would have liked to meet someone more my age. But then again I've found that I fit better in with the adults. But the only problem is that they usually speak about thing which I don't really have a say in. Like people and the olden days and that kind of stuff. Not really anything I would know much about. So then there is another problem. But the discussions we have had have been nice.

The last visitors thought I certainly was a Murphy. Which means I'm more like my mother than my father. But that didn't really surprise me that much either. I've apparently got the most Murphy in me of all the Kongaris. Don't know if that's a good thing or not but let's just take it as a compliment. I asked in what way but she couldn't answer. She said there was just something about me.

A feeling of home in a place where you feel that you're not really home. Now isn't that a strange feeling?

Little child

There is no adult in there, there is no sign of maturity. Only a little child dwells inside that mind. The man which may be there is still asleep. For the behaviour of a man doesn't surface very often. I am often met by the child within. That little child with little control over his feelings. This little child which can't control himself, or just doesn't even try to. He goes on with his childish games. His childish games and his childish way of thought. I see not a man nor a woman. I see a child. A person with many insecurities and a will to appear big and strong. But the simple truth is that this is not a reality. This person is nor man or woman. This person might not even be a person. This might not have with the actual person to do. Yet it is so close to the person one might think it is the person. As I ponder over the situation, analysing it's different aspects. I see a pattern. Caused by an insecure and fragile self. One which biggest fear is to appear weak. Hiding behind a mask this person tries to be something else. Something better. For this person knows that it is weak. This organism knows it is vulnerable to many things. Since a small change in situation and surroundings the organism changes mood. It's mind easily gets hurt. A whole lot of whining all the time. Problems with people are not said out loud. The responsible person for anything might notice that something is wrong, but it is never said what is wrong. There are hints here and there but the real truth is never revealed. This round and round and round problems is nothing but a nuisance. There doesn't seem to be any upside to it. The problem may never be revealed. The person might not understand what the signs are pointing at for they are many and not very specific. It is up to the person receiving these signs who determine if the message comes across or not. If the person in the receiving end understands how the sending party works, the person might get the exact message and understand what's going on. But never being completely certain. And that is the whole reason of this game. To cause uncertainty. To make it as though the answer is there but you just don't see it. To make the problem seem as completely obvious though it is in fact hidden behind the mist of dis functioning communication.

The problem with this is that the person practicing such behaviour is very unstable. Very unstable to the core. It feels threatened and so it feels the need to make the other part feel threatened to itself feel more secure. But what if the person under siege doesn't feel threatened. What if the other part is too stable to feel the impact of such an unstable attack? What happens to an insecure army with low moral who fears the opposing force when the opposing force feels no threat and feels secure and doesn't feel any fear towards the attacking army. Having a very high moral they do not freeze in battle for they are sure of themselves while the attacking army continuously keeps freezing because of it's fear. The secure army will surely eliminate the attacking army without further difficulty or casualties. And the defenders fend of the invaders quickly and easily and they are still strong as a whole.

After an emotionally charged conversation the situation has lightened up a bit. Certain important points were made. Some realizing happened. A step toward progress occured. I cannot truthfully say how much this actually will help since the area of effect is yet small. It is only one area treated. And only a few points out of the many.

There isn't much more I'd like to share at the moment

Distance and Solitude

As I have taken my distance and found my solitude I see that clarity which I've been searching. With taking my distance I've got time to think. Time to understand more and more of the situation. My own situation. I cannot explain how but these recent events have been so familiar. These recent realizations and thoughtless insights are familiar. As if it is nothing new really, but just a reminder. I've not actually found anything new, the answer is yet the same. But somehow it's significance has changed. As if my understanding is greater. I feel the situation even more than before. Is this a growth that has taken place? Do I now see things more clearly? What has changed really? Has there been a change? Most likely something is different. Be it the situation or my perspective. I have dreamt of these things. Dreams that I've had from when I was very young. Sometimes I wonder why I keep remembering these dreams as they take on a reality in my life.

I'm currently reading a quite interesting book. "The Power of Now". It's given me some ideas and things to think about. Presence, mind, body, compulsive thought and such things. A very deep spiritual book. Goes into how you are not your mind. How your mind is a tool of which you could become a slave to. And how society is based and built up around your mind. He brings up suffering from a different aspect than you normaly see it. What suffering really is. What sin really is. How time does not really exist. That everything is of the present. That time does in fact not really exist as future, past and present but everything is the present. That the past is a stream of memory which is of now. That stress is wanting to be in the future and not in the present. How we want to be somewhere else than we are today. He brings up quite interesting aspects on life. A book I really would recommend to anyone who's least bit interested. Somewhat hard to understand sometimes but really worth it.

Release

As I threw away those memories I found in a box I thought to myself "Why is this still left here?". I was going to give them back but thought that it would only stir up the whole thing again. It would only have situations surface once more which have been submerged in time. Only a faint memory with an annoying but faint reminder. When I think back I can't really remember. For what was was totally and completely lost in bang. Makes me wonder if that chapter ever was true or if it was all an illusion. For nothing shows that an acquaintance ever existed. I wouldn't believe it if others wouldn't remember the same things. While these brief thought enter and exit my mind and I throw those items away. With a following near silence. Surrounded by complete silence I hear those last cracks fall apart and a following great smile. A feeling of relief. As if released from those heavy chains. That's what I call painful sentiments.

Further on I go on about my life I realize yet again that there are up stirred feelings. That everything isn't okay in anothers life. That peoples problems are again pressing them down. Unable to really say anything of any worth I could only reply in a passive manner.

After feeling completely helpless and insufficient I went about as normal placing my thoughts into different matters I stumble upon another friend. As our conversation progresses I find myself in a similar position. "Have any of my efforts showed any progress at all?" I think to myself before the question is answered. Angerly I was answered in such a way it seemed that any efforts made have been completely useless. That nothing has had any worth. That the situation is same and that nothing seems to change this fact.

Hearing these things I think angerly to myself a great deal of thoughts. A urge to completely give up spreads throughout the whole body. What is the real cause to this all? Being to tired to handle the situation I left it to another time. These actions might have great negative impact on the future.

Worry

Right now I can't really do anything about it. I am worrying. For a deal of things. I am wondering over certain behaviour. Currently holding in words that so eagerly want to get out. Should these words be let out or should they still be bound? With further thought I ask myself, why do 'i feel this urge to let these specific thoughts out? To what good and what gain?

What is it really that compelles me? Is it those thoughts around me which has me thinking in these lines or is it more something which I by myself feel? I'm thinking it's a bit of both. Recent feelings and recent opinions have brought me here. And not to forget recent events.

These three things have me where I am. Wanting to let out certain thoughts to certain people but not knowing which alternative is best.

Happiness and Pain

As I myself experience a happiness, I see those in my surroundings who are in pain. And they're in pain for various reasons. Some with reasons I can help. Others in which I am quite powerless. I can always be there to back them all up and I can always give my support. But there is little I can do to actually help the situations. For there are many in need and I am but one. I am only one to help. What I would need is to put my own life on hold to fully put all my energy on finding solutions for these problems one by one. Long term solutions. Something that will truly help, not just give a temporary confidence boost. Still I wonder to myself, why all this pain? Where is it all coming from? Is there really any reason for it all? As I ponder over these things my person tells me that is something out of my control. That I am not meant to be the hero who saves everybody from their problems. I am but the support to help them achieve it themselves. That it is not my mission to fix all their problems. My mission is to help them fix their own problems. I'm to give the support I can. As these thoughts surface to my conscious self I wonder. Are they strong enough? Could they really do this yet? Are they really ready to deal with it all? To actually make their own progress.

I couldn't say at this point. Maybe they just need enlightenment? Maybe they just need to be given the strength which the task requires? How does one give another such strength?

Responsability

There has been a lot going on. There still is. There probably still will be. Just how should one keep up with everyone and everything aswell as oneself? I see these situations and I'm guessing some of them might be getting dangerous. I'll just have to keep watching them like a hawk. See which is in more need. To prioretize correctly not leaving any room for neglect.

Once you find yourself with nothing to do you've obviously missed something...

A little bit of thought

With a little thought behind it, the surprise was one of the more outstanding. That small bit of thought put into it really made a significant difference. To be more exact, it really gave me a happy feeling welling up inside. To think a simple gift like this says all that much.

Strange Calm

There's a sense of calm in my mind. I see the noise but I do not hear it. I see it there yet I somehow bypass it without further influence. Wondering to myself "Is this good or bad?". I saw a certain anger. I see it isn't good. But what to do? There's nothing to be done about it, is there? I'm having a hard time really reading the situation. Of course some things are just obvious. But still certain aspects aren't always as clear.

I've been really tired today. Not any energy at all. Sleepy. Didn't sleep all too good last night. I felt how I wasn't in any mood for any hyperactive people. Don't know if they even noticed that I wasn't in any mood. Anyhow it's not that important.

Left Undone

Soit seems this is going to yet again one of those things just left. Nothing will be done, not dealt with just left alone. I really do not like when these things never get handled. Always building a strange tension or another. What a sad turn this took. Putting a strain on everything else. A certain uncertainty in the whole. It need handling but what if it is not wanted to be dealt with? What if it is something which is too hard to deal with. Believing it's easier to just not talk about it. Or simply finding it to hard to talk about.

The animal and the hunter

As the animal awakens from its slumber and exits its lair the hunter stops polishing his gun and heads out into the woods. Out into the woods to hunt. For this time around the animal isn't welcome in the human world. This time the animal is considered a beast which needs slaying. This time the animals practices are considered a threat. The animals recent curiosity has lured him into this dangerous situation. There seems to be no going back anymore. The hunter will eventually find the animal. The result of the confrontation is yet to be seen. I suspect the end result won't be a cheerful one.

Today I found something. Might I have found that which earlier was missed? Did I find that missing part? Is this the thing I was feeling earlier? However the case, it is something important. Something to keep an eye out for. To try to solve the problem. A completely new kind of situation to deal with. Before it has only been one in my own mind. But now I see there are similair thoughts going on within someone else. Someone else is in danger. But the question still remains, how to help another overcome such feelings? To help oneself is relatively easy. Since it is only oneself there is most knowledge there already. Only having to look into oneself to find the reasons and the needs. But now I'll have to look into someone else. Now someone needs to let me in so I can possibly find the reason and an answer. But I suspect this will be a long and challenging process. But I will do anything in my power to help. This cannot go on for much longer! Something must be done!

The animal within

I feel something new-old stirring up inside. Something old with a new catch to it. I feel the animal within me is starting to wake up again. Has been asleep for far too long. As I feel his awakening my heart is filled with the warmth again. That same pure warmth of happiness. A great joy. As if life once again is finding its purpose. Finding its rightful worth. I feel a deep confidence brewing up. I wonder what might be causing this. The answer is quite simple yet is it the whole story? Is there something beyond the obvious? Spring is presenting itself. I'm guessing that has something to do with it aswell.

Deadly gaze

I was given such look I couldn't make out what it was. It was completely different from any I ever encountered before. If gazes could kill, that one would probably been a sudden heartattack with an agonizing end. I wonder what it was. Don't know if that look was intentional or not, but still there was something to it.

I see the pain inflicted in all sorts of directions. Inflicted in different areas of different people. All in pain of different reasons. Yet I am but one, how could I possibly help them all if any at all. I would very much like to do something to help but what could I possibly do? I try but there is not much I can do. As I said I am but one and they are many. Still somehow I feel as though I have the potential to help. Because I care for them very much. But they are still too many for me alone to handle. I would need to focus first on one at a time and leave my own issues aside. But then again that would surely result in a loss. For my issues directly involve others. Though no more has been said I still feel this isn't all okay. Might even be far from it. But the actual truth is known by only one individual. "How to turn this into a win-win situation?" I constantly ask myself. I know what I would like. I know what another would like. But then I know that would be an unpleasant fact in another ones eyes. It might be considered a betrayal and that was never my intention.

But things never really turn out the way we expect them to. For we never think of all the different factors which have a say in reality. But many things which I've noticed where to be expected. All a result of my own folly. Playing with this fire. Touching the forbidden. Putting myself in this surely dangerous situation.

Time will surely provide a good solution to this dilemma.

Internal Strife

As I see the regret in those eyes a deep anger arises. My bubbly friend yells in my ear " It's far too late now. There is no reason anymore. It's a lost cause. Leave it!". What my little friend tells me is true. It's been a while. It's gone on for far too long. I would much rather leave it. Go on with no regret. I know I can only if I let myself. My will is turned towards this. My heart tells me that I have no need for this. There is no more reason to live in this limbo. Time to get past it. With or without the other part. My head tells me to yet give another chance. Sooner or later it will be taken. Sooner or later it the chance given will be taken and then this problem will forever be behind and forgotten. But my mind doubts the strenght of the other part. That the other part never will take those chances given. Yet nothing has been done. One short conversation. ONE. That is all the effort so far. And a compliment to my new shoes. That is next to nothing considering what has been. But I'm still waiting. Though I don't feel confident in any change at all I'm still waiting. Hoping that I'm not doing all this in vain. Hopefully the message will get through soon.

Over to some other matters which need adressing. Probably even more pressing matters than this. The confession was made. A new matter arose. Just as expected it wasn't quite that welcome or ideal. I was granted permission but still I know of the dislike to the situation. I completely understand. That is probably the reason this matter is something worth pondering about. I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to make things harder than they might already be. I know of my past actions, my past mistakes. But I am sure that I won't redo those same mistakes. For they where not right then and they are not right now. I won't do the same again. I've learnt my lesson. But I'm not surprised if it might be hard to believe. Still I don't believe that is the whole matter either. Rather I know that isn't all of it. But we still need to talk more about it.

Just don't know what to say really. I want one thing but I wouldn't want to sacrifice another either. It may be selfish of me but I want to have both. It would probably be a bit hard. At least now at first.

Taking Steps

As I continuously write all these blogs within a short period of time I am makingmore and more progress. Taking steps towards an end. More and more steps towards the end of the tunnel. Into the light which has for so long been a distant dream. One which has been hard to make a reality due to certain circumstanses. But since these circumstanses are being eliminated I feel how this dream more and more can finally become a reality. Still this process is yet a sad one. It really is sad that these steps need to be taken. That I need to do this to go on. It was never my intent yet there was nothing really I could do to stop this from happening. How long can I really be a pawn to be thrown around taking punishment for someone who doesn't even care.

To think that words can me so empty. So untruthful. So deceitful. I doubt there being any truth to it. Doesn't seem possible. For those actions speak so much louder than those words. I'm not the only one affected by this. People in my surroundings are also hurt by this behaviour. And it really makes me mad! It's just too much. All of it. All gone far to long. It needs to stop. But how could one such as I do anything about it? Kind of confrontation could be effective yet not too brutal? I'm losing all my respect to this matter. I see how the actions my mind is planning is simply disrespectful and hurtful. Yet I see how effective it might be. I see how it would help me. But the understanding of the other part might not be able to comprehend it all. I don't believe the other part would want to listen. I am sure of it. The other part would not want to hear all those things I would have to say. Would choose not to understand. To simply stay a child just to not have to take the consequenses. Just to be able to give away the responsability.

But I'll give it a week. Unless change occurs I'll have to take further action.

Worries

So now the time of confrontation closes in. Soon it will have to be done. I dislike the fact that anything needs to me done about it. If I could choose I'd just leave it as it is. Just take it all easy. But if I do so, to what cost? I need to think of something to say, we need to think of something to say. I wonder if it's just been my imagination or if there is a dislike to this. I would probably dislike the situation if the tables were turned.

I'm feeling that there is something that I should do. That there is a pressing matter. Just that I've missed it or walked past in my deep thought and dwelling. I'll have to take a look into it. There must be something that can be done about it. I'll take some time to investigate this. But still there are things which need my attention more at the moment.

We'll have to figure things out still.

Personal Growth

Anger is done. It has left. But it left behind the irritation. The irritation of this. All this. All these children and their childish games. Is there no way of finding anything else? Who are not children but still can play?

So much noise, so much fuss, so much of everything... Why am I not like them? Why do I constantly find myself in this position?

What probably bugs me the most is that things seem to have gone backwards. That things have gotten out of hand. I would have expected all this to have gone by already. But still I can not blame them. For this is a natural part of life. This is what is considered normal. It's natural this behaviour. But why does it feel so disgustful to me? Why can I not find myself within it?

I have a feeling of a certain someone that used to give a sort of balance or calm, just by being there. A sense of understanding between us which no one else quite understands. One that's quite comfortable. But it isn't strange at all. I see a certain respect which I haven't quite witnessed before. Something I feel I should appriciate more. I just haven't put the time to figure out exaclty how. But I know I can do better.

And for recent news, I'm quite excited. It'll be nice. But it's too early to get too excited but. I like the idea of it.

Yet there is a conversation that still needs to be held. But my bubbly red friend tells me to wait it out for a while. And to change these recent patterns for they will surely lead to something bad. To get a bit of variation to recent activities. Sure it's fun at the moment but variation needs to take place.

I think that is the key to a better life. More variation.Give more color and life to it. Feed it with all the necessary vitamins and protines. A more balanced diet. Still I will need a bit of coaching to pull this off. Sloth has been taking over me for quite some time now. I need to pull away from him. Keep him at bay. I need to get out more and do more. Now as the weather gets better I'll have an easier time to do stuff.

But first of all I need to tell myself to take things a bit slow. Not to jump into anything before I'm sure of being ready for it. Not be overconfident but still put enough pressure on myself to actually overcome things. Set goals which are reachable but still needs effort put into it. I feel confident that I am not alone in this even though I might actually be. But I'm not at the same time.

Feels nice.

Thought

So I saw today another attempt. But the thing is, I kind of liked the way things were. I had gotten use to them. Had meant to let things go and just not care anymore. This just seems like more trouble changing things from what they were. I had already accepted that there would be no change. That it would be the future. I was already comfortable with it. To tell the truth I had liked the distance that had been between us. For I had started putting distance myself. And therefore it had become something that I wanted.

Maybe this change in behaviour pattern is a result of the sudden "I don't want things to be like this anymore". I know that this change that is taking place is one which I do not want anymore. I want to close this chapter of my life and burn the book. Start anew. But this is only dragging out this chapter. But what to do now? I know I want to leave it all. But the other part doesn't seem to want me to. Why is that? This is a question on constant repeat. My red bubbly friend keeps asking me "Why do you think this has to drag on?". I still have this feeling of that the reason is simply a selfish one. That it has more to do with not wanting to take the consequenses of their actions. Should I comply or should I take my own path and leave it behind? What would be best? What is the right thing to do. Somehow I feel as though I already know the answer but just haven't gotten around to telling myself.

I have this strong urge to call it all off. To just say how I dislike this situation and for how much too long it's been going on and that I figure I would feel a lot better if I just got to leave it all. That it isn't even close to being worth it. That this person isn't worth the effort. But those are things I rather not say for they would probably be more hurtful than anything else. But how healthy is it to bottle up these thoughts and emotions? In my experience it hasn't exactly helped me. Mostly it's been causing me more pain than anything else. But this time I feel a strangely strong urge to cut all ties. I really wonder why. I probably should look into it but, I haven't a care left. I just want an end. An end to it all.

Progress

So monday I got loads of Happy Birthdays. Including one from that one. I was surprised for it was a proper attempt. Just the kind I was hoping for. Only that it was a bit too cheerful for my taste. Wasn't really in any mood. And it was a bit of a strong aproach to start off with. But at least our conversation led to something this time. Still nothing more has really been done since. I guess it is expected of me to take some initiative too. But that wasn't quite our deal. I said that I would at first be a hard target. That I wouldn't necessarly do anything in return. That that one needs to start everything off again.

But I'm unsure of if that one really understood that or just thinks that it was for one time. I thought I was clear but seems not. Or maybe it's just hard. Maybe that one is afraid of me. At least that was the case last time. That was why nothing ever happened. But why be afraid? What is there to be afraid of? It seems silly to me to be afraid like that. I mean why? But this is people we're talking about. They're all silly. Every single one of them. You just have to find those situations where they are.

I'm probably silly for even putting any thought into this. That must be my folly. To even let myself care for this anymore. This whole situation started off silly, everything that's been going on has been silly. How silly of me not to have gotten rid of it already.


But over all I see a bright future. A very interesting one. Though in certain aspects it might me a gamble. It always is. There's no real way of getting past that gamble. For noone is that honest that there wouldn't be a gamble. At least I haven't met such a person. But thinking back there was this one person. Some times I miss what was then. There we had something great. But unfortunately time pushed us apart. Now we don't have that much contact. It's a pity really, for it was absolutely the best. Something I constantly keep thinking of. But we've settled our differences. We are friends but we meet all to seldom. But I don't really want to meet too often either. I like it the way it is. There is no way of having what once was anyways.

But enough of going through memories. The main thing is that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter.

Mixture of Feelings

I am so mixed up right now it's hard to determine what's going on. What I really expect from this situation. For I cannot say that this will have any greater significance. But still I feel as though it really will have a difference this time. Maybe because it wasn't me who did anything this time. Some initiative was taken from the other part. Felt nice to see that something actually had gotten through at last. This time things will change. I am sure of it. But I probably won't be able to take this change right at the moment. There is too much of everything else going on to really tell. But the question still remains. Is this what I really want? I have my doubts for I could've gone then and there but I didn't for the sake of another. That was the second chance. The chance that was never taken. Because of this I have felt that there is no need for another chance for it isn't worth it. That chance that I have now given was not deserved. But still I felt compelled to give it. And so I have. But if this fails once again what then? Should we go on as we have these past 3 months or what? I would at least leave it all behind me and forget. Forget anything ever happened in the first place. Forget that we ever met. Forget all the good and the bad memories clinging on to nothing. But today we'll have to see how the future unfolds.

Today is the first day of trial.

What a fitting Birthday present, don't you think?

Disgust

I can really put words on my disgust. It seems as though there isn't going to be a turning point to this. It is exactly as I expected. For the other part never took the contact and didn't try. A few "hi"s here and there but nothing more. This only tells me that this other person doesn't care. Doesn't care enough to try if the care is there at all. To think all that trouble was in vain. That waiting it out to give another chance was useless. There was no real difference. I would have liked to see that it wasn't all in vain. That the conversation we had that time actually made a difference. But not really. Things never really changed. But I'm probably the one to blame for this as well. I know my actions haven't really encouraged this change to take place. So I understand that things can't be that east either. But still if it was to any importance some effort would be put into it so that it could happen. I would like this to take place still. I'm still waiting for something more than a simple "hi" as to invite me to make change. For that would surely lead to me doing everything by myself again. For it is always I who has to make the effort.

But due to recent happenings I haven't had the energy to do anything about it. For I have been in a deep worry. But I feel as though the reason to worry is steadily decreasing. I needn't worry about this any more for that particular area seems stable. I never thought that this event would have such an impact on me. I don't think I ever realized how much it really mattered. How much I really cared. But now that this worry seems to be out of my way I am ready to go on and build everything again.

I have found a happiness. One of these things that produce happiness. One of these nice aspects which makes life more pleasant. Nothing really serious. Something which is more playful. A aspect of life which I've kind of been without these past months. A way to play. A way to make life nicer, more enjoyable. A way to make life more interesting in a completely different way. I enjoy this company. Still I feel I need to be careful. Something is at risk, maybe. I still have to have a few answers to some questions. But I wouldn't want to ask for I fear the answers would compel me to change these habits which have been good. But still I understand if the answers would lead to the same thing. For I suspect if the turned I would too dislike the same behaviour. But this is still something that needs taking care of. I just need more time before I can properly take care of this.

I was recently surprised that certain things that were said was taken seriously. Though we both understood that it was clearly a joke. But the effort made to actually buy me roses made me happy. I didn't expect it though I didn't find it all too odd either. For of what I've seen I could quite easily have thought of it as a possibility. But still I found it quite nice that I actually got a rose even though I was joking about expecting to get one on our last encounter. People really do have the capacity to make another happy with all these small things. I just wish I experienced them more. I do get similar fun things but not in the same way. I guess it was just that exact way that made it so fun.

Over all I can sum it up with I seem to be recovering this everything. By my opinion I should be here where I am a lot earlier but, better late than never. Things are looking up!

Melancholy

Still even though change has come, it hasn't really changed anything. Which is quite strange if you ask me. But the thing is the change is not really a big one. The situation still requires me to do a lot of work. Work which I haven't the energy to do. All the energy I once had was thrown away into something that was hopeless. I had already given up before I was given a chance. A chance that I would have taken. Only for the new factors which play a great role in this whole drama.

With this new factor I couldn't possibly do anything other than worry. I don't know at all what's going to happen and I can in no possible way help. I've already lost a person which once was important and now this. Will this ever end? Could I ever find that window so I could crawl out of this hole. Is there any way out of this continuous feeling of melancholy? How many more drawbacks and hatches are there going to be before I can restore myself?

When will I be able to restore myself? Why haven't I been able? I have some reasons, some people I could put the blame on. But is it really their fault? Does their presence really mean all that much in this whole thing? I'm thinking they have a difference. But still the main problem is yet to be discovered. Maybe I've discovered it and now I've realized this: Life doesn't get any easier. Life won't get any better. I'm cursed with this and there's no cure. There's no way out. For there is no one who could help me heal. There is no one who could help me recover. There is no one there for me.

I believe no one is evil. Just that they haven't the strength nor the energy to help me with this process. They are too much in need of help themselves to be able to help me with my state. I understand why, but still I believe all that's needed is a little willpower. But sometimes my mind wonders of with the thought " What if nobody really cares enough?". The red bubbly moisture jumps back at me at night revealing my fears and doubts. Asking what if nobody wants to care. What if there's nobody who would care. What if everybody hates. With these thoughts in mind who could possibly sleep well? Who could truly enjoy life when everyday go through the same things. Having their fears and doubts presented to them. Getting up every morning with the feelings of the previous nightmare lingering over them. Taking a whole day to recover from them. But being reminded.

The funny thing is that this red bubbly moisture, which bubbles around in my head, often has many strange but true things to say to me. He tells me what's going on. He tells me what I'm feeling when I myself can't identify it. He has told me many wise things. Given me ideas which have led to success. Told me what is going on even though I haven't wanted to believe it. But it has always turned out to be true. Even though the odds have been against him, he has mostly had right in what he's said. Most of the things he tells me turn out to be true. Even before I myself realize that it is through.

He tells me my recent feeling have clouded my mind. That I have become the slave of over which I once was master. The reason for this is that the three pillars which sustain life have been attacked. Even the one which was the strongest of them all was attacked and nearly destroyed completely. As the others where attacked the focused strikes laid on the main pillar costed me dearly. My dear little red friend tells me that this has happened and is the reason for my current doubt. That this is the reason for my current weakness. That this is something I must be dealt with. That I need to focus my energy in rebuilding these three pillars. And this time with the new experiences build them stronger and more sturdy for the next time it shall not falter in the line of attacks that the future holds. This time certain barricades which are specially designed for this now known enemy. For when this has become more of a reality than a thought I can go on with my life and leave the past behind and start anew which was my plan from the very beginning of the end.

Still I feel the need of support. Some way to get all the way to the top. Tools to build. And help.

The question is "what now?"

I went through the first day of school thinking to myself. Is there any difference at all or not. Since the day had gone with no signs I assumed nothing was going to change after all. As I said I didn't really have that much faith in this. But maybe my nagging and my open doubt changed the fact that nothing was going to change. As of a way to prove I was wrong or something like that. I have reason to believe it is less about me and more about the other part. Has always been and will probably be for a while longer at least. But the short moment of improvement took me by surprise. I didn't really know how to react so I just kind of "oh.. yeah.. hmmm.." to the whole moment. Maybe it was a subconscious act to say "I'm not just gonna let this blow over"?

Realizing what that would mean, I start to wonder. What's the point in this whole charade? Haven't this all gone on way too long? So why stop me from putting an end to it? I just don't understand while still I perfectly understand. I know what the reason is, but my question still stands as why. I only see this as a future of continuous torment and pain. Another path to destruction. Why take another road that leads to the same destination of my own personal hell?

But still the true nature of this is yet to unveil. If there's still a faintest bit of hope left I'll go after it. Put myself at risk to once again revive something that was killed and buried without a name. But still a part tells me to leave it. To cut it off. To completely destroy any traces left of what has been. Go on leaving everything behind. But that would mean saying goodbye not to expect any return in the nearest future.

It seems my writers block might be easing. I think I might be able to finish my song soon. After a week free from burden something is regained. I will continue a while and see what I can fish up. It might actually be good.

Vasa today

Right now I'm sitting and wondering what now? I'm wondering what I should do about the situation. I can't say this short week has helped me a lot. Nothings really changed. I've had time to think things over. Or to be more honest I haven't been able to keep myself from it. Always getting around to it in the end. Still the absence has helped. Maybe this is all that's been needed? Maybe I should have gone away for a while to charge up? At least all I know this week has been great. Not the absolute best but better than these past weeks. But now I have to go back to the same source once again, wondering how to deal with the situation. After all it should have changed just before the holiday. But I don't feel as though I can trust the other part in this whole unnecessary drama. Still I don't trust anything has changed. I'm just waiting for the confirmation to be given so i can go on about my life and leave certain unnecessary ties behind. Then I could pull myself loose. Once that has happened I could go on without. I would probably do much better once again.

Some things this week has got me thinking what if? I've got a glimpse of the past. Remembering good old times. Remembering how fun things have been. It feels nice. Knowing it is a reality to which I could return to without further problem. When I think about it, it makes me happy. These small get togethers have helped me. I've seen something I forgot existed. And that existence is and always have been something vital.

I saw something that made me start to wonder "What was that?". I didn't really catch it. I saw it completely. I was surprised to find it. Or did I really see it or was it my imagination? I'm thinking a bit of both. I think what I saw was real but I think I might have seen it for something else than what it really was. It would be easiest to assume that. But my curiosity tells me to look into it and find out the truth. See if it was something or just my imagination playing more tricks on me. The thought of it seems very appealing. Somehow very sure. Very secure. At the very least reliable. But my mind might be playing tricks on me. But then again why would it? It has been telling me loads, I've just not been able to listen. My suspicions have all been true. At least I've got confirmation. But certain things have been said that cannot be true. They don't work. Not the way things have been played out. I can't believe them. For otherwise certain things wouldn't have been done. Those things don't go together.

I've played with the thought many times over. I've liked it. I've thought that this is the right course of action due to the circumstances presented. But taken these thoughts I have only concidered one possible outcome of the whole mess. Which I feel is the most likely.

I feel at unease when thinking of going back to see the result of last friday. For I do not know how to take it all. Which approach would be best? Which things should be said and which should be let out? What would be the absolute best. I know what would be best for me but what would be best for the both of us?

Decision Making

I'm in the phase of decision making. I'm deciding whether I should give it another shot or not. I know I would want to be given another chance. But the question remains. Should I? Would I learn if I were given another chance? Would I as a person of this young age understand the weight of another chance or would I just expect it to come to me? Would I expect everybody to see to it that I have a good life or would I understand how much trouble "my friend" has gone and is currently going through just to try to give me a second chance. Would I just be spoiled by this second chance and say to myself " Sure I'll get another one, I always do" or would I understand to take a second chance and actually put in a valid effort to make things alright again?

The problem with these scenarios is that it takes the effort of two or more people. I cannot alone make things alright. Not when there are others involved. Not when the problem itself circulates another person. For it is entirely the other person who decides what happens. For I know I will play my part to make things good again. I would go as far as to make things better and stronger than they ever were. I would try to ensure that they would stay that way. I would try to teach the other person the importance of this whole process. But when saying that I know I do not have the other persons respect. I'm sad to admit I do not have the respect required to teach something even thought the other person would know that I know best.

It's not easy nor fun to depend on another person. Since the other person doesn't care at all. I could just aswell be gone and it would make no other difference. I don't trust that the other person will either care nor try. For I have so little significance why should I expect to make a difference. But still I will give this person another chance. I will try once more for I know things could be better. Still I don't feel at all confident in this person... I can only hope that everything I've said and explained has actually gone through and has made a difference. That this has and will help this person in the future even though I might not be there.

conversation

It seems as though my choise of action was good after all. At least I had the long needed conversation. I didn't really expect it. Didn't really think it would've mattered. But as it turnes out. What to do now is still a question. Should I risk it? Is it worth it? Knowing how things went the last time.. Should I really take this risk?

Being on the safe side it would just be best if I completely threw it all away. Say some nasty things and then a goodbye. But I don't want to be cruel. I still care. I never stopped. But me caring got me to where I've been these last few days. But now I'm wondering, where was I? Where have I been? I haven't really had control over actions or thoughts. But I know why, but I don't want to tell it. I'm too ashamed to have been there. Why did I go there? How could I have let go of myself like that?

What will happen if I take another chance? I made a mistake last time in trying. How can I possibly know that it's going to turn out any different from last time? The truth is that I have no way of knowing. I can't in any way expect anything else than the worst for one reason only. It would surely only lead to another agonizing period worse than this recent one. Could I as a mere human be able to handle such a burden? Could a mere teenager such as myself handle another let-down like that? Should I as an individual trust another when being so fragile and vulnerable? I'm thinking, expect the worst possible outcome and mentally prepare for it. I can't risk it anymore. I've sacrificed too much already. I couldn't possibly sacrifice any more of myself. I'm not capable of it. I am still just human...

right? wrong? good? bad?

Who can really say what is what? Was it a good decision or was it a bad one? Who can really tell? I know I can't. Not at the moment. I'm feeling out of myself. I'm not really me. I do not enjoy life, my optimism has disappeared.

I don't know if it was a wise choice. Maybe this will only make things harder? But there's also a chance that it will make things easier.. on my half at least. Completely letting go... Though this was never what I wanted but.. As things seem there won't be a turning point. I will now and forever be an enemy. This is at least how the situation looks. I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me to be so rejected. The deeper I look into it the more it feels as though it's just that I haven't seen it. That it's so clear. There is something wrong. Otherwise I wouldn't be here? Or maybe it's me overreacting. Possibly, no even likely. But still somehow I did it. Knowing that the situation now never may improve. But how could I possibly know? Maybe it won't make a difference? Maybe this is something that is wanted?

Come to thing of it. This might be just what should have been done. Maybe it should have been done a long time ago? But I thought it might give the wrong signal. Proposing the wrong thing? But since direct communication isn't allowed and not an option, nobody can really know what the other is thinking and therefore not really know what is best. I can only do what the mind that no longer belongs to me tells me.

Is this a cry for attention or is it a way to get the closure that never was available? I can only say that I need an end to this whole drama. I cannot go on like this any longer...

Day 5

This is the third day and I notice even further how hostile I'm becoming. It's getting harder and harder not to snap. Last night I experienced twitching again. Today I've been a bit high. Not really aware of what's going on. Just gone about. I'm starting to wonder if this really is helping me at all or if it's just making everything worse?

hostile behaviour

I can already feel the hostile behaviour.

I was told to document everything now to see the effects of the medicine so that's what I'll be using my blog for.

pill no 2

The first pill gave me a twitchy a arm. I had this strange ache as well but I fell asleep quite quickly. The day after I didn't wake up to my alarm which got me a bit late, I was really tired and looked a bit ruined. But overall that day went well.

The second pill didn't really give me any other symptoms than a greater apatite. This morning I didn't wake ut either. A teacher had to call and check if I was up since I wasn't in school. Feel tired again today. My concentration isn't all that good. But then again it hasn't been these past weeks.

the first pill

Now I've just taken the first pill. Now let's see how many of all those symptoms I'll get..

Is this something one can enjoy in any possible way? Why make things so hard? Why come and make it a lot harder for me? What is there to gain? Do you enjoy it?

Feels like I should express myself. But I don't know, I doubt there could come any good out of it

Time heals all wounds...

People usually say that time heals all wounds. But lately I've been wondering about that. Could that actually be through or is it just one of those cliche lines. I haven't really experienced it that way. More the opposite. Now that is somewhat upsetting. I thought that time would make things easier but I feel everything is just getting harder.

The anger inside is just building up. I'm getting more angry. Today has been even more of a hell than yesterday and the day before. I suspect tomorrow might be worse. Too much to do, too much too think about. Too much to suppress...

Overcome

The deed is done, the things are said. Some feelngs were hurt. Some tears came streaming down some faces. Certain things were left behind. Not anymore in that same limbo anymore. Things were discussed and things were forgiven.

I am relieved that it went so well. I finally overcame it. It feels good, like if everything else is going to fix itself. Now I can truly say, I'm happy!

I can now go on and leave this whole thing behind!

Now certain events are going to take place and the future will start to unfold itself. I feel as though there's a lot hanging on this single weekend. Will there be a solution to this conflict? Will I be able to take care of it all? Is this situation repairable? Will I be able to go through with it considering these recent circumstances?

I fear the way things are going now, it won't turn out well. I don't feel at all as confident as I did then. But this has to be done and I'll just have to somehow forget about the other problems and keep going.

The only question is how to stay strong when so down? From where could one draw the strength needed at times like these? Is there any way of staying optimistic about this whole thing?

Old Acquaintances

I just had a nice conversation with one of my old classmates from Ireland. It was nice to do some catching up after all these years.

Simple things in life make it more enjoyable

Thought patterns

Recent thoughts that have crossed my mind have made me worry. Worry about what's going on inside. These violent outbursts held inside, these hurtful thoughts kept to myself. All for the sake of another. Why feel these urges? Why are they growing stronger and stronger all the time? If this keeps on, how long will it take before it consumes me? What kind of consequences could it have in the long-run? I know that these sleepless nights aren't going to have a good effect on the whole thing but it seems to be a product of this whole thing.

Sitting right in between two black holes feeling that you are being ripped apart. Not only from the outside but a monster is trying to break out from the prison inside you.