The Solitary Road

Moments of charade, the deeply hidden anger, the loneliness of my ways and a strange satisfaction.

The road I travel is one of loneliness. I have many times wondered if there is anyone else on this road. Why do I never meet anyone else in that case? Probably because they all stay hidden. They probably have great reasons to why they would hide. I've always thought that I have had great reasons for me hiding within myself behind my transparent wall. You can see me and be very close but you could never touch me, unless I let you. Every now and then I've let people come and touch me, people I have felt that I could trust. But at the moment there is no one with that privilege.

I have shut out everyone from the depths of that which is the inner me. I've brought everyone much closer to my outer me. I am still the lonely one of the crowd but it doesn't bother me as much as it did. I've been able to accept this change, more or less.

I can't say I'm happy with it, but it doesn't make me unhappy either. It's just the way it is now. No reason to complain about that. More sides of me have come forth. Those are sides of denial. Others do not see them for what they are. Looks can and mostly are deceiving. Few people care to look into it even though they must know.

There was the question and there was the following question. As I answered I realized I was being analyzed. There was an underlying question. I must have answered it with only the way I looked back into those gazing eyes. There's still a chance that the information wasn't revealed to the person. One can never be certain.

The quality of my sleep hasn't been the greatest lately. There's no apparent reason.

Beneath the surface

There is something brewing. Something is happening inside. It is getting more and more difficult to contain. It's a lot harder to control than before. I wonder if it has gained strength or if it is I who has lost mine. Sometimes I think it might just be me not wanting to hold on as tightly as before.

The walls are being fortified and becoming less transparent.

The burning inferno and the masquerade, it's all a secret life.

Confirmation

Some things happen and some things don't. Some things are the reasons for other things and others are simply not. That small little comment told me so much about how true my previous thoughts had been. I came to the conclusion that it must have been just as I had previously thought.

Looks can be deceiving, but this time it wasn't. The look was genuine. It was felt on the inside just as it was perceived on the outside.

Fun and games and it's all serious too. Doing what one wants would be knowingly hurting something else, but what is more important? Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better of thinking about myself for a change and go after that for a while. These decisions made along that path has done much. Should I really let myself dwell in these thoughts which stand between me and what I really want. Maybe it just isn't in my place to care anymore? In many ways I feel like it isn't, on the other hand I feel like I ought to. 

Much has been going on since then. Much more is to come.

Strange is normal

It seems as though those worries I had were all unnecessary. This time there is no easy road, this time there is no hard road. There is just a road. It doesn't seem as though there is anything more to it. There is a road which I can choose to follow or not to, but since I am who I am I'm going to follow that road, just like I had meant to do to begin with.

There is always something strange happening. There isn't a time where things would ever be normal. Things which you don't expect present themselves all the time. The strange feelings will never disappear. They're a part of me. I'm a part of them. The option of a "normal" life just isn't there for me. I will always find these strange feelings, thoughts and things in my life. It may just be me who's strange who finds other things so strange.

All I can say is that I grasped happiness, if only for a second. There was happiness. There was hope. I felt it. Maybe that path is there for me as well?

My choices lately have put me in a position in which I do not know what is the best alternative. Part of me says wait up, another tells me to go for it full speed ahead. There is the part of me that wants, then there is that part of me which wants to be cautious and there's this part of me which doubts.

The Beast

These conscious slips, they tell something. There's a hidden message in these little cues. The monster is awake, the monster is hungry. He wants out. Sometimes I find it hard to contain myself. My cage gets rattled. The constant pounding makes me worry. I wonder when the bars will break.

There have been a lot of these slips. That which is contained is desperately trying to break loose. I've noticed how people have seen small pieces of these slips. People have never before noticed them, unless I wanted them to. Is my wall cracked enough for people to see through or was the pressure increased?

A new person has been born into this world. The unpredictable one, not even I myself can be sure of what his thoughts are. A sneaky one indeed. Some of us says that he's dangerous and shouldn't be let out. The rest of us think that he is exactly what we need to get out of this situation.

It's a gamble, that's for certain.

Easy vs. hard

Sometimes I wonder what's really right. Can the easy way also be right? Usually it feels like it's the hard way the right way.

The right thing isn't always clear. What would we be better off with?

Consequence

The reason was so clear. The message was louder than anything before. It said stay away. The answer was no before the question was asked which probably meant that I would do best to stay away. Things happened and I recieved the consequences of my actions.

One should not stray from the path...

Pain

Don't try to understand me or my actions. Chances are that you wouldn't really have a clue as to what I am up to even though you think your theory is sound. I don't think there is anyone who can really understand me or my actions or what I am truly up to...

My hands hurt, my legs are tired, my mind is weary, my heart pounds reluctantly. All these things around and inside me. The stench would bring tears to the eyes of anyone who would get close enough to feel it. The crackling sounds would bring anyone to his knees. The pain would make anyone scream till their lungs gave out. The air so thin that one tries to catch a breath but nothing seems to help.

Yet there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is all a trip. A trip we must all take sooner or later. Even though there seems to be no end to the trip, there always is. I've traveled on this road for a long time. I'm probably going to stay there for a long time still. I keep looking for ways to get off this road and find another. There doesn't seem to be any way off this road. All these possible exit points turn out to be dead ends.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

The thrill of oddity

No matter how strange life seems to get I always find myself in stranger and stranger situations. It's as if oddities were drawn to me. Maybe I just put myself in these situations. I suppose it's because I care I put myself in the situations I do find myself in. It's not like if I could blame someone else for it, even though it sometimes would be a lot easier. But then again what could I possibly accomplish by being so unfair?

Even though these strange situations are tiresome, I get a certain kind of thrill. That thrill is my addiction. Like a drug it feels good in one way, yet afterwards it leaves you empty inside with no real benefit. Along with these thoughts and situations my dreams have lately been far too connected for comfort. That is a thrill in itself. It goes beyond my comfort zone, which is rather exicting.

I can already feel the coming growth.

Just like that

My prediction came through. The dream I had became reality. That's the way it seems. Vanishing right in front of me with only a familiar fragrance left behind.

After the long drive home the answer came clear to me. A few reminders of what had been I saw what I wanted to come. The way I wanted things to be. I saw exactly how I thought things should be.

Having a clear perception of what one wants can be good some times, I suppose. But can it really help me now?

Life & Death

This is a time in life where I feel the absolute most alive, yet it is also the time in which I think most about death. I have many times thought of different scenarios where I meet the end of this life. Dreams have made me wonder if I'm up for a big change. I wonder if my own little world might shift sometime soon.

Last night as I lay awake in thought i wondered: "Am I capable of happiness?". I've always experienced this small doses of happiness at different points in life when something specific has happened. When I go through my everyday life I feel as though the concept of happiness is so unfamiliar, as if it were something that simply didn't fit in to it. Now this doesn't mean I'm especially unhappy. It just means that I don't really concider happiness to be all that important in my life. I am, on the other hand, keen on other peoples happiness. I want others to be happy.

The feeling of love is foreign to me as well. I do not wish it to be that way, but yet it is. Some times I wonder if I'd be better of giving up on love. What stops me from giving it up is the knowledge of what I might become if I left it behind me. Loving gives me too much, loving gives others too much and that would all disappear. That I do not want.