Complexities

That which determines the complexity of a person is layers. How many layers that are active at a certain individual. Different layers surface when different circumstances emerge. I thought to myself that it is only certain layers that are active at the moment and that is the reason for my mood. The reason why I feel like I currently do. This paranoid part of me emerges when I feel like this. When this happens all sorts of strange and unreasonable thoughts keep popping up. A strange discomfort arises in the most unrelated circumstances. I usually think to myself: "Why do I get these thoughts in the first place? " and later try to get rid of it when I realize the stupidity in the whole yolk.

Tonight I kept waking up all the time at the strangest of hours. After only 2-3 hours of sleep I woke up wondering: "Why am I not asleep?" and tried to sleep again. But because of my strange dreams I kept waking up. And when the time came to actually get up I felt no will whatsoever to even try and get up. Eventually I got up and hurried to school.

Tired as I was I accidentally took the wrong bag to class and realized this only in the middle of the lesson. At the break I got my own bag and put the other bag back where I thought I took it from. Then it was time for my presentation. The things I wrote down on the paper were good enough but I didn't really know what to spend the remaining 4 minutes talking about. But I spoke a bit about my guitar and that I like music and then it was about it. Later I thought of several different ways to continue the presentation and make it a lot more interesting. But since it already gone by I can't really do anything about it.

I've thought about buying a journal where I would start writing down the most intimate of thoughts. Those that I wouldn't dare share with whomever happens to read this blog. Maybe it would help more to ease this feelings and it might be nice later in life to look back over what my thoughts were and see for myself the differences that have come. I might go someday and look for a nice one with a lock. I could start one on the computer but it wouldn't feel safe having it there. I mean anybody could just happen to stumble upon the journal and think they can read and happen to read something I wouldn't want them to see. I could write names instead of the letters I usually choose. It would be much easier than to think of a person and try to find a fitting letter.

I think I'll go find a journal. Maybe I then could look at myself from an outside perspective more efficiently ?

Another one....

I had another strange dream tonight. But this one wasn't bad it was just strange. Why do I have these strange dreams ? Recently I've started to have a lot of dreams. Not many that I remember but I remember having them. I wonder why ?

Weird dreams…

I just had one of the strangest dreams in a very long time. I didn't like it at all...

Unpleasant the whole way through. Disaster upon disaster. Even more broken up inside…

Recent Thoughts

Yesterday was a really exhausting day. Started off bad by oversleeping. After geography which is one of my non-enjoyable lessons we had quire-practice which was great fun only for one detail that kept me alert. After quire I was really hungry so I rushed for food. During and after my meal I noticed that something wasn't right. And after one of those stupid questions that really means " tell me what's wrong " my suspicions were confirmed. The whole rest of the day was waiting for a phone call and pondering over the days event. Later I went to Jacks and read a bit on psychology. But because of my last night I was too tired to either read or be any kind of company. A few moments before my I decided to get going and get some sleep in place of what I missed and then I got the phone call I was waiting for.

Shortly after arriving home I decided to make a phone call before going to bed. It was meant to be one of those 5 minute calls but turned out to be an almost 3 hour phone call, which was quite nice as well. Even though I needed my sleep it felt good. Got a great conversation going and we covered a lot of ground. Personally I prefer to talk face-to-face but still it was nice just the way it was. The conversation would probably never have taken place face-to-face which is a bit of a disappointment for me but one shouldn't ask for too much.

Last night I had a lot of strange dreams. Dreams which I can't recall anymore. But still I had a good nights sleep even though I was a few hours shorter then intended. But it was still a "normal" nights sleep. I woke up of the phone ringing and after a while got up and took a shower. I got to school just in time to get my whole breakfast eaten. I would've liked to get the time to eat more than I did but I managed on what I ate. We had drama the first lesson and after drama I had a whole in my schedule which was really great since I got the time to study for the upcoming psychology test. After food we had our test and I wrote 5 1/2 pages of answers. I'm not really pleased with my effort though. I feel as though I could've written better answers had I only the time. After psychology we had the principal with whom we went through what we needed to know till next weeks test. After that we ate and me and W went to my place to spend some time together which was cut short by reality. I needed to get going for maths.

Maths class went by quite fast so that felt nice. I then realized that I needed to buy some milk and some breakfast for the weekend and so I did.

I felt this urge to call V. Meanwhile I was in City Market I called V and caught up on the weeks events and life. We had a good long conversation. By the time we were finished with our conversation I was already home.

It's just great !

It seems as though I've stumbled upon a time in my life where everything changes. My whole life situation has changed dramatically. I'm generally happy with my life. There are yet many things to improve but I'm still happy with it as it is. Right now I feel as though anything could be fixed. There's nothing really able to ruin what I have. Or that's how it feels but the pessimist inside tells me not to be to confident about that. It's the internal struggle that I always have to live with.

I seem to have found exactly what I need. In some way so small but yet so great at the same time. A bit hard to explain. It feels as though it shouldn't make all that big difference but somehow it makes a bigger difference than what would have been expected. But lately many of my expectations have been exceeded in various ways. Even though everything hasn't been all well it has been fixed. It all feels very nice.

I still can't really understand my feelings. I think I could but somehow it's like if I don't really want to. Subconsciously I'm probably avoiding the understanding of the whole yolk. But I'm still holding back, as if there is a lot more I could do but I haven't really found my calling. I believe that there is something that should be done but I just can't put my finger on what it is. I do have an idea but I don't know how to do it. And the reason is I have no authority which would be needed, no proper contacts that could help in any way and I'm probably too young for anyone to listen to. Problems of todays thinkers, one might find a great solution but the trick is to make people listen.

Unsettling Feelings

I just can't shake this, unpleasant feeling I have. It just feels strange. It feels wrong. It isn't quite right. Not really. Not speaking of just one single event. Not only one subject. Life is strange. You always come across unexpected things. Things that make you question things in your life, if they truly are as they would seem or if they are in fact something else. Things that might disgust you a bit. Things of all kinds.

Recent thoughts have led me to one unasked question which needs answering. One of those questions you wouldn't want to ask. Not really. Because certain things become more obvious when a question such as the one I have in mind is asked. Things that you wouldn't want to be there. Those things you wish would just disappear for if they were to be gone ones life would be easier. But it is something that needs to be asked for if not then I will be haunted by my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder, is true happiness something that's even possible to attain.

A recent question made a very unpleasant feeling emerge. I don't know if it was the seriousness of the question or if what was asked just made me disgusted. Previous times when the same question was made I thought of it as a joke and joked back and never really thought it was something serious. At times it made me a bit uncomfortable but still I just joked around not taking it seriously. It made me unsure of things. I heard rumours and such but I thought of them as only rumours. Never really wanted it to be true and defeding this person. Then I asked a question to understand the past. I got an answer and the question was redirected to me. I thought it be obvious but since the question was made towards me it probably wasn't. I asked why it was wanted to begin with, but the real reason wasn't known. At least it wasn't at the surface. But the whole thing made me a bit disgusted. I don't mean to be bad against this person but this is how I feel. Even the thought of it feels wrong.

After a short little talk most of all the worries and such went away, one again feeling just the way it should. I'm happy and very grateful. It seems as though I have found what I'm looking for.

sad but true

This whole ordeal started of with a simple event. As many ordeals do. That short moment turned everything around. Everything changed. I cannot in any way deny how bad and wrong it felt. It triggered everything I've so hard tried to suppress. All these negative feelings, thoughts, insecurities coming back to the surface to haunt me once again. This not only effects me as I would wish, but those in my surroundings too. Directly having an impact on that which is most precious to me.

Since that moment I haven't been able to help but to feel uneasy about everything. A deep unsettling feeling about everything going on. Not being able to think clearly. I feel as though I'm losing control of everything again. Falling back to where I was. All the effort put into it, all in vain ?

This just breaks me beyond my understanding. How can these things make such an impact on me always ? There's no logic to it. Am I just too broken to keep from feeling this way for any lent of time ? So it would seem, what a depressing thought. This morning I felt as though everything was okay, but as the day progressed I once again got smacked right in the face of just that feeling. And not only that, a short exchange of words just made everything just that extra bit worse. But that was my fault. I should of seen it coming as it always does. Too bad it never takes root in any other way than the worst possible.

I really do hate myself at times like these…

new experiences

This is one of those times in ones life where they go through loads of new experiences. Recently I've been feeling different feelings. Feelings I've never encountered before. I can only imagine what these feelings are but I dare not say it. But I do feel something new, and wonderful. A deep happiness which I cannot explain. And I know where the source of this happiness is. That's exactly what's making me wonder, could it really be. It makes me uncomfortable to think about it while it still makes me happy. Is this my subconsciousness telling me to not even try to understand it since it will only disappoint me ? Or it it saying not to even bother ?

One might wonder about these things.

Though it makes me wonder if I give these things too much thought. It's not like if it helps me in any way. But the real reason I look in to it so deeply is that I haven't quite got a hold of these feelings. I don't quite understand them which makes me nervous but yet I feel good. Which means these feelings are good but somehow I don't feel as though I don't deserve to be this happy. To feel the way I do. Is this telling me something ? Is there something I've missed ?

I'm thinking yes. There is something. There are Those issues that still needs taking care of. I've taken quite a long break from them and maybe it's time to go back and take care of Those things. I feel a great pull from two directions. This means that there's something still wrong. It must be one of Those issues. But right now there's nothing I can do. I still don't know what it is I can do to fix any of it. There must be something but I don't know what. I will take a look into it in a weeks time.

Wish me luck !

Unexpected Experiences

Have any of you ever felt like it is those unexpected events which are the best ones in ones life ? Would any of you agree if I said that where the case ? I experienced something I never had expected. It was one of those things you don't see coming until they are already there and there is nothing going to stop it from happening. Yesterday was one of those times in my life where I experienced it. Since I caught my eye on you I felt something special that you were going to make a lot of change. And so you have. Not only happiness but something of even greater importance. Something that will help me in my pursuit. I saw solution in your eyes when you looked into mine. There was something you saw which I saw you see. I have felt you having the capacity to understand me and my person but in such a way was so unexpected I was too dazzled to even make out a sentence. I felt as though I was in a certain trance. Not understanding the situation I was scarred yet I felt safe.. Things from the depth of my person was revealed even to me as I had never seen it in such a way before.

I can't explain this in words because it was so different somehow. As I opened myself up for you to see, I saw what you saw as if you where the mirror showing me my person and myself. I somehow felt as if I saw myself so clearly even though you didn't really understand much of what you saw. I felt as though it was showing everything. I got out of my shell and saw myself from the outside. I cannot really saw I liked everything I saw since it was there that which I want to get rid of. But that's okay. I believe it was good for me to see what I did and good for you to see since then you got the chance to understand me at such a level it may help me find the answers I'm looking for.

I told you to dazzle me and so you did. More than would have expected since you didn't know how. I told you to try different things to find that which I would find dazzling. You dazzled me many times over and so I was completely paralyzed by that dazzling experience. I truly am grateful for this. My feelings have extended beyond the previous limits as there are many good factors which I never before have dealt with. All which I believe are good in many ways. I am truly grateful for having you in my life. It feels as if you will bring great fortune despite what might happen.

People who effect your life in such a positive way makes one wonder, are they really human or are they in fact angels for they seem to open the path one must see for them selves not having anyone to tell them where to go.

Unexpected experiences, aren't they really the greatest of all ?

One of Those days

Today hasn't really been to great. My mind has been on one of Those matters and a small exchange of words changed the course of my mood. I was quite happy before I took the liberty of asking advise of someone who might have answers. Some of the things told were some of those with deep and powerful emotions attached. When pondering upon those things it wasn't too difficult or sensitive. But when thoughts leave the mind and into words they may feel a lot different than anticipated. It was a lot harder and felt more real. Caring really can take its toll on you.

The whole day was a bit miserable from that point on. I didn't really feel like speaking to anybody and just lay down in a corner and isolate myself from all the rest. The following lesson was a real pain. To have to sit and listen and look interested when one just wanted to go home quickly and get away from everybody. During the lesson I started to feel a bit ill and got a headache. After the agonizing lesson I went and got a panadol pore and got something to drink. Then I ate some bread. I didn't really feel like eating anything at that time. While I was sitting at the table they noticed I wasn't feeling well and as I told them about my headache I got a massage from certain someone which was quite nice. It was relaxing and so the headache lifted a bit and I was feeling better both mentally and physically. After her departing I sat there with the company of my two older friends. My guess would be that I wasn't very fun to be with because of my still upset mood. After a while I realized that I had to get going if I was going to come in time for maths. I got there about a minute late. But after a while I started to focus more on maths and less on my pondering. Then it felt a bit better and I was getting more relieved. But near the end of the lesson I was just waiting to get going because I felt this urge to go and play some guitar at school. So after getting back to the apartment I left my school-stuff and took my guitar and my music papers and got going.

At school people had assembled since they were going bowling. I could've gone with them but I didn't feel like being around so many people so I decided to follow my original intentions. So I went inside and went to the music room. I then played about an hour. It was exactly what was needed. After my little session I felt good. Like all the negative energy just floated away and the calm after the storm came and so I was at peace again.

Now I know what must be done. I just need to find the answers and then take the best shot I got. What could possibly go wrong ?

Happiness

We have just had a few days of. It has been nice and it is over to fast as well. I would have enjoyed the whole week of instead of only the two days but sure, one shouldn't complain. Two days is better than nothing. But I still feel as though I need a few more days of to prepare mentally for school. Even though one doesn't put a lot of energy on the school subjects ones energy is still drained from being in school. It must be the lack of motivation.

Anyways I feel more stable. Everything around me is stabilizing and I feel more sure of things even though I'm not sure at all. But I have faith in the matter. I have hope. I believe in the possibility. What ever way things play out I'm still happier than what I was yesterday. And tomorrow I'll probably be happier than what I've been today. Have I finally found the upward spiral ? Will I now find that which I've been looking for ? The empty hole inside is not felt anymore. This must be a sign. The sign I've been looking for.

the most wonderful thing.

Somehow it feels as though you understood what I needed. This little conversation of ours was just what was needed. Sometimes speaking of the past can dramatically change thing for the better. I feel a deep happiness which is one of those that just cannot go wrong. I feel good. I feel as though quarrels of the past will disappear and that a sense of family will return. It is truly a blessing !

I believe that its time to go on and take the next step. If it is only recently or if it was just my ignorance but I realized it isn't that bad. It was actually really good. Just that maybe it was me not wanting to get over it. But now it shouldn't be so hard. My mission is succeeding. And my recent discovery got me a long way along the right lines !

Let this happiness last for the rest of my life. I feel..... completed !

warning signs

Now the warnings have presented themselves and it's time for a withdrawal and to distance oneself a bit. I see the bond breaking in two and a certain close one who need not be so close. Who would have thought that being close to someone would be a bad thing ? Well to be honest the thought did pass me by once but I decided not to react upon it. Well anyway, I clearly saw the negative side of it and I don't really know what I should do. To sacrifice one thing for another.. is that really okay to do ? Such complications at the very moment another issue is to be taken care of. These are Those warning signs but no matter how many times I stumble over this same problem, I don't seem to find the answer to why it keeps reoccurring. And I can't find a way out of this spiral. Somehow I feel as though I'm not really trying... Subconsciously not wanting to find the answer. Maybe it is a change that of which I'm not ready to make... Or it is one of those changes I do not want to take.

Whatever it is there's no point in pondering over it too thoroughly. I just want to find a way to get this of my chest but to who ? I've isolated myself avoiding to let anyone to close for it has not been in my interest in the past. Despite this I'm still happier now than what I have been. Just that it's a new kind of pain which I will have to endure for now. I'll learn to deal with it sooner or later. I still have the rest of my life to take care of this.

This last week has been a bit of a hell for me. It has felt really awful all week. From the moment I've gotten up till the moment I've lay down. My nights have been filled with strange dreams and sleep has not been my best of friend. It was quite a while since it was a good friend. Still remember the time when it was good to me. That was a better time for me. Too bad that had to end and be followed by the next problem which really dragged me down. I really have been a fool to have let myself plummet down there even though I should have known to let it be. Certain things should be left in the past but since one is young one is still inexperienced and therefore stupid and brings misfortune upon oneself. People say that's just a part of being human but... I'm not convinced. This was never a part of being human, It was never meant to be like this. Or maybe it's just another phase. Whatever it might be, I still don't like it.

Well, enough about that. Reflecting on ones past is not always a good thing. Though it helps one remember those important things one needs to cling on to.
Such depressing thoughts running through my head right now I feel as though.... I need something...

Nothing lasts forever.'

Something that should be obvious to the most of us at this point. There is always a point of change somewhere along the way. Certain things last longer than others. Hope that tonight will end this right now and help me back on track !

The boost of confidence needed. The pursuit of happiness finding it's path. Yet so far away, several steps closer. I feel happiness right now. I feel as though I am finally succeeding. My mission was a success and life is looking up. Long way still but a burst of hope !

Subconsciousness

Vasa by night was just what I needed. Something I could use to take it easy and relax. Even though it wasn't really taking it easy it was relieving. I can't really recall too much of the events of the night, but still I feel happier. The day after was absolutely wonderful ! I woke up earlier than usual. Strange because others usually don't wake up early the next morning feeling great. But anyways school was fun and entertaining. Got to use up all extra energy. But then again it wasn't too pleasant when I noticed that the new computer that I got didn't have pages so everything that was written down was completely useless since I couldn't look at it nor could I write any more notes. But after school me and F went shopping for watermelon. But since we didn't know where that particular shop was we went wondering around like two idiots walking a lot more than necessary before finally finding the shop.

After finally finding the shop we went inside with awe when seeing the size of the place. Or at least I was. Then we looked for the right watermelon and then we bought it. When walking home we realized just how much extra we had gone. But it was good exercise and we got to have a good long chat. We got to know each other better. Or at least he got to know more about me. I tend to talk a lot when alone with another individual. And after coming home I realized that I would need to get ready for maths. So then a few friends came over so I could get my bag which I had left at a friends place . After retrieving my bag we went to Övis schoolyard to meet J. And after just arriving I realized that I needed to hurry up. So running along to get all my stuff almost running I got there at the exactly predicted time. But after stepping into class I realize that there's loads of unknown people none who had been on maths the last time. Confused I asked a person close to me if this was maths. Then he tells me that we just had maths. Then realizing that I had gotten the times mixed up so I had missed the class I was stressing so much to arrive in time at. But you know what they say. Shit happens !

After my disappointing discovery I first called J wondering where they were and telling him of my miss and then I called my mother telling her about the situation with the computer my friends called since they had gotten to know of my situation and told me where to come. After sitting there with them a good while we decided to go home which was a huge relief since my backside didn't really agree with the cold step. When getting home I went to F's to eat our melon. So after a short guitar lesson we cut up the melon and started watching a movie. Blood Rayne 2 which was a great disappointment on my part. It didn't have very much action and it wasn't the same person acting the part of the main character. The story was better than the first but it could have been done a lot better. After eating almost my whole half my body protested. My head was telling me that " If you make me eat more melon I'll make you throw up ! " since the speed of my consumption was astonishingly fast. And after receiving that message I stopped and didn't feel for any more. After the movie I went back home and went to bed only brushing my teeth before sleep.

Even though sleeping the recommended 8 hours I didn't feel at all satisfied with the sleep since I was so tired I fell asleep in school today. But since it was break when I actually fell asleep it was okay. But I was only barely able to stay awake enough to listen to our teacher at all. After the break I was able to actually able to keep my head clear enough to understand what she was on about. After Swedish we had our daily assembly which I can't really recall much of because I was in a more of a " drugged " state of mind caused by my tiredness. I was playing around a bit with a class mate and not really paying too much attention to the person speaking. Somewhat disrespectful but one doesn't want to listen every day. After our assembly I was on my way to the bus station since I had an appointment with my doctor. Lucky me who had heard a rumor about the bus station changing place or I wouldn't have noticed that I had walked passed the bus that I was to go with. So when arriving at the bus in the last second I payed my ticket and then got on the bus which left immediately after me taking a seat and shortly I fell asleep again. Slept until we reached Oravais where I woke up thinking we were in Jakobstad. But to disappointment we had a long way to go still. So after a long drive I arrived about an hour before the appointment so I went to JG to visit my friends. And when their lessons started I headed for the hospital and yet again a almost perfect timed arrival meeting my old physiotherapist who showed me my brothers name in the newspaper and showed some tables he had made. Shortly after this my specialist came and I filled in some papers and got to see if any training was possible. And to my surprise I was ready to start a new and better training which means it will finally start to get a lot better improving my life quite a bit. When finally getting home I checked the internet and tuned the guitar here at home and then started playing a bit. Then I was reminded about a " homework " I had gotten from F to learn. I was suppose to figure out which chord are in one song. And after a while I got it by just listening. Or I got most of it right and unfortunetly a friend accidentally told me whichones were to be changed to what. But still it felt good getting what I had right. At ten o'clock I went to R's to watch some movies with my old gang which I had left behind when moving to Vasa. The evening was nice but we could have done more than just watch movies in my opinion. But you can't always get what you want, now can you ?

Further more I have written a really detailed blog for no appearent reason. Just felt like it a guess. The topic I was planning to write about doesn't seem to charming after all this.

to be at peace..

I have the sollution in my hands right now. I just need to see if I have aquired the tools needed for this task at hand. Somehow I feel as though I am closer to the goal than I ever have been yet. I now have an idea which will get me dangerously close without risk. I believe that if I pull this of, I will have gotten close enough to start working. Depending on how well my theory works in real life I will have gotten a good stable ground to rebuild everything which was lost before it ever was to be.

But yet there is another factor which I never had thought about til' quite recently. This is a trickier task since it doesn't directly touch me but yet it is of great importance and influences the whole situation.

One might wonder.. How does such a messed up situation take place in the first place ?

I really don't like you right now ! You've done just what I told you not to do. Or rather you didn't do like I wanted you to do.. I really hate that. I explaned why it was important that you listen but you didn't really care. Well... You are still only a human. I'm the one at fault to have trusted you with such a thing. It seems that honesty is something that is not easily come across.

You disappoint me...

todays surprise

I was surprised by one person in particular. This person that I will be calling G surprised me with a certain passage to a certain place which is a secret. It surprised me that I got this privilage since it's a quite big deal if you ask me. I feel as though there is a certain trust that cannot be explained. I can't find any explanation to this but, might as well think of it as a good thing. Something one shouldn't ponder on to deeply and just be happy.

On other thoughts. I started to wonder. Do I really write as deeply as people seem to think ? Probably.. Wonder if its really a good thing since more and more people have started to read these blogs. But come to think of it, why stop now ? It's not like if everybody understands what everything really is about. Well there are those people to whom I've told but. Anyone else wouldn't understand ? They might have their ideas but never really know.

It's getting a bit late so I'll have to leave it at that.

Interesting People.

What makes one person intrested in another ? And I mean this in a non-sexual way. What is it that makes one want to know more about another. To what purpuse does one want to know. How does one realize that the other person is interesting. Not knowing making one want to find out. But why is this ?
I recently met a person who I don't really know at all. I looked in this persons eyes and got interested and I don't really understand. There was something with the look in this persons eyes that made me want to know more. But because of my recent disputes with myself I kept myself since I need to be more careful with people. Careful with connecting with people on an emotional level. I have lost a lot which I shouldn't have by connecting to someone potentially harmful in this state of mind. Eventhough this person seems to be vulnerable in one way. Somehow it feels this way.
I'm thinking that maybe that is why this person whom I will be calling P is so interesting. I want to find out where and why and try to understand. But I have never really gained anything from doing this. But P seems to be different in some way. I feel as though there's something that we both can relate to in some way or another. Thinking back to our little conversations I believe P feels the same way as I do. We have something in common one a totally different level.

But still one needs to be cautious when exploring something that was "unreachable" before.

"that" attention that wasn't there.

I've been wondering for quite a while now why things haven't been changing. There's always something that needs fixing and for what reason ? Why am I never satisfied ? My conclusion is that it's because what's needed is attention. Not just any attention but, "That" attention. That specific attention. That's the attention that is needed for everything to be able to fall back in place.

I believe that it would fix that feeling of emptyness. I'm thinking that if I get just "that" then I'll be able to put everything else in place and avoid these same situations that I'm always putting myself into. Since I don't know why I end up in these same situations all the time it must be my subconsciousness putting me there since I don't believe in things just happening for no appearent reason. There is always something that has happened which has led to what is happening right now in the present. So a reoccuring event must be triggered by something that hasn't been dealt with.

So how does one fix this ? How does one make this happen ? It's not easy anyhow.
But after fixing this, my putting myself harmful situations such as these recent ones. Don't understand why this area of my life has to be affected by that area but if one dies the others mourn.

sad but true...

I tend to have all the wrong priorities. I have realized what I need to change. But then I don't seem to be able to change them. Maybe I'm not really trying even though I want to. Am I unable to do so ? Not likely. I probably don't want to even though it would be so much better for me. Since I don't seem to gain anything when following my current priorities. They need to change for me to change. I need to change becase that's the only way for my situation to change. And I do not want to be in this same situation any longer. It's just unhealthy. I'm just being unhealthy. And it's my fault and my fault alone. Or maybe it's not the priorities that needs to change, maybe it's my choises. I'm making the same mistakes as before as if I didn't learn anything from them. As if I didn't learn anything from them.... Now that I said it I might just have considered that possibility. Realization sometimes really sucks. But without it I'd be a lost cause. I need to just let it go. Force it away if I have to. I can't relive this scenario... I simply can't.

This unsettling feeling of irritation streaming through the whole body and building up into onw point resulting in an explosion of nervous energy. What could it have been ? I have yet not comprehended what happened yesterday. I have no clue to what caused it. Those emotions I experienced where... unimaginably strange. What could cause such an experience ? I can't seem to find the source. I've looked into sertain areas thinking it must be the most logical places to look since it is of the recent events in my life. I could not connect it together in any way.
It's quite scary, the unknown. So scary it's funny actually... Sitting here laughing at myself. Sometimes I behave in such a strange manner I scare myself. I really wish I knew myself better. This is just ridiculous really. I really need to get control over myself soon...

Boredom.

Boredom is one of the emotions I wish I wouldn't feel as often as I have in the past. There's nothing that really drains away the meaning of life like the feeling of boredom. Everybody I've tried to contact or plan something with has either had other plans or aren't in the neighbourhood. So that leaves me totally unoccupied… Sadly. This feels kind of depressing. Always writing these gloomy blogs never having anything positive to say. But that's the real reason I have a blog in the first place. To try to get it out of my system and try to be a bit more positive in real life. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

But anyways here comes the good news. I'm starting to move forward with my life. It's not at that same standstill it has been for a while. Feels like I've acended to a new level of understanding. Which is quite good actually. Just the kind of change I need to see.

Other aspects of life are looking up as well. It's been a while since this occured last. But maybe it's about time to take on the challenge once again with another "opponent". Don't really know if "Opponent" is the right word for it but in a sense it's exacly right. Or maybe it's just my twisted mind which makes the word a possibility. Since I've always experienced it in such a manner. But I'm sure others have experienced it in the same way ? Or maybe it's just me being strange about it.
Well the only thing we can to now is wait and see and hope for the absolute best outcome possible.

Rejection...

Rejection is a powerful thing. It's very painful. To others and to oneself. Did you know you know that by rejecting someone in your life, you are subconsciously rejecting yourself ? You are subconsciously rejecting a part of yourself... And the feeling of rejection is painful.... For everyone... No one is truly happy when they're rejected. Both parts are constantly haunted by this feeling of unhappiness and has a void inside. Usually this void is one that doesn't show its face but lurks just outside of your conscious eye-sight so that you feel its presence but you can't pinpoint it location or exactly what it is. Having felt this for a long time not understanding has made me a depressed personality. Only recently i realized this, a pity really. Having felt like this so long not even understanding it. To think I had to have a stranger tell me what was the reason i felt the way i did.

Forgiving is something one needs to do quickly or else the chances are that unhappiness will come out of hiding and bury you deep.

Everyday you learn more and more.

See I started pondering again as I listened to this lad. He spoke of a problem I seem to have. As I listened to what he had to say. I realized that this is my problem, the void inside, the reasons to my imperfect life. Ofcourse one cannot have a perfect life but everyone can have the right grounds to having a perfect life. What I mean is if you have everything emotionall right, then you have what it takes to be completely happy. And your man started telling me from where you get this "perfection" or what you may call it. And I started to understand why I've had this feeling of emptyness. Why I have this void deep inside me which doesn't seem to be able to fill with anything. I now know what I must fill it with. I now understand why and how this void was created. Since there was this cruicial element in childhood that I never received.

So what I need to do to truly fill this hole I need to go get just that is to go and make it happen. Go back and get it. Which in my case might be quite awkvard but it'll probably do more good than bad. Or at least I hope.

Everyday you learn more and more..

Vaasa

I'll be moving to Vasa today. Quite exciting actually, looking forward to it. It's not far away so I'll be able to come home for the weekends if I choose to do so. Now I only have to hope for to get a apartment of my own. I sent the school a request but I never received any reply. But sure IF I get stuck with someone weirder than me then it'll probably not to hard to move in with someone else. But then again any room mate I might get could just as well see me as being to weird to live with. Which I would understand since I could never stand living with another me. I need a bit of personal space and when that is interrupted I tend to seek out a corner where I practically bury myself an that would mean that nothing in my life would really change since that is the exact way I live here at home only that it's a room and not a corner. A big reason for my moving away from home is to avoid this state of mind since it clearly doesn't really help me in any way.

Wish me luck !

Life is looking up for me. I'm really starting to become happy in a stable way. More reliable than before and therefore much more secure. Happiness that will stay. I Gotta Feeling ! real nice actually.

Then there's the bad news. I woke up of the phone ringing, got up and picked up the phone. My granny was on the other side of the line with some not too good news. My auntie had collapsed in the shower today and was in the hospital. The doctors say the suspect a stroke which wouldn't be to good at all. But we'll have to wait and see. Hope they are wrong and that everything is going to be all right.

life as it (regretably) is now

Life as it is now is meaningless, slow, empty and mostly boring. Adding all these facts together into one you get miserable. And miserable is nothing but bad. You get nothing out of it but more misery because when your miserable you're most likely pessimistic about most things since your life sucks anyways, those "special" moments occur less frequently resulting in loss of fate. These emotions lead to depression which will only amplify these negative feelings and make the positive ones more or less, Fade away.

So what should you do when this happens to you ?

Well the most obvious thing is to do something about it ! I guess you reading this would have already figured it out.

Step 1 . Find the source of these negative emotions.

Step 2. Find a way to deal with the source.

Step 3. Take care of it

See I know what to do about it but if I haven't fully cleared step 1 and can't find any way of clearing it, what should I do then ?

I've spoken to friends, I couldn't See any psychologists since my experience with them haven't fixed anything but only been able to amplify the pain of the situation. It's like when being serious the one that's supposedly suppose to help you, Laughs in your face like if I was making a joke. I know I'm not like others and relatively weird but for someone to act in such a manner... Why the hell would I want that ? It's not like if I'm here because I'm miserable but does she really need to make me more miserable implying that my life is a joke.

Maybe it has the psychologist that I met who wasn't too good but she absolutely ruled psychologists out of the question which is a bad thing.

My friends either don't care enough to help me find to what the problem really is. Or they're simply unable to help. Which is quite sad in many ways. So what I do and have always done subconsciously caring and not only helping but occasionally fix or find the solution for their problems and hope someone will return the favour. Which is quite stupid cause people just say thanks and leave not really seeing the tortured soul behind the eagerness to help and fix any problems there may be. I guess it's only that obvious in my head.

When after noticing this I've been wondering. Do I only really care about other people and their problems because deep down I just want someone to care about me ? Horrible really if you think about it.

But this, all of this needs to change for the better. I think that it's maybe gone so far that I need to "kill myself" in order to fix the grounds for this depressing way of thought and living making life a blessing instead of a curse. Spreading some positive light. Writing blogs that aren't depressing like these that I recently wrote. Closing this already to long chapter of my life.

But since I'll be moving I'll hopefully meet some new and intresting people which will be helping out this "rehabilitation" of mine.

So for the next time i write a blog It'll most likely be more cheer ful. I hope anyways.

Contemplations...

How does one truly make someone else understand how important they really are without scaring them away ? See if one comes on too strong about feelings the other partner many times are compelled to pull away and often get confused by the situation. But if one doesn't come on strong how will the other person realize that one truly find them important and know how much they can mean to someone else. I'm really compelled to take some kind of action to make it clear but am afraid of giving of the wrong signals thus pushing the person away. I believe that if the person knew how I felt and understood how important they are to me in the so many ways they would feel a lot better thus increasing their life quality and therefore giving me hope since the similarities between us makes it so easy for me to look into myself since our conversations have been like they will help me fix myself. I feel as though it would be good to study this person and interact frequently to get to know oneself. This person I speak of truly is a mirror and also the answer. When together I feel good in a different way than before. It's a pretty deep issue, maybe beyond many peoples comprehension. Perhaps beyond my own, since I don't truly understand the nature of these feelings. The reason behind these feeling or what would be better. Giving in to instincts and follow whatever crosses one's mind. My instincts tell me to get closer, study it more, if I manage to get into the mind of this person I will find the answers about myself.

What does truly make me happy....

But my head says to leave it be, keep a distance, a misunderstanding resulting in a deeper wound than ever before is likely to occur. What should one do when there is such an internal struggle ?

I desperately need my answers, so does this person. I believe that we are exactly the same, the only thing setting us apart is our life experiences and developments. Like jin and yang the same yet not really.

Why do I ponder on this as hard as I do ? Why do I find this so..... thrilling, exciting, serious yet so incredibly horrifying an why do I feel so compelled ?

I react on reason I see no reason why react so strongly if there's no reason what is the reason what makes me care as much as I do why am I not finding these answers by myself ? why do I need to pull someone else into the equation to be able to make it work out and come to the right conclusions ?

Why dwell so hard on such thing others never give any thought to leaving me all by myself feeling so alone yet being surrounded by great friends and people ?

Another sleepless night....

I just came home from a midnight run. Reason is that I cannot sleep. No particular reason really, but there seems to be something bothering me from beneath the surface... Or at least that's my theory. Don't have any other valid reason why I feel so compelled to stay awake even though I have work in the morning. Or maybe it's just the summer holidays which keep me awake ? That would be a valid reason but since this happens to me more often than just during the short summer I don't quite know what to think. Another theory would be my passive lifestyle as it is at the moment. Since "there's nothing to do" no energy is used up and when night falls the energy level is still far from zero. See the sad thing is that there's so much opportunity to do lots of stuff but there's a psychological barrier keeping me from using these opportunities that are presented to me.

But when I think about the reason to why this is my answer usually ends up being my friends. I feel as though it were my friends fault. And this feeling is unsettling since I don't want to blame them. But maybe this is what people mean by "Finnish people are gloomy and sad" ?

Since most of the people I know never really do anything. During the weekend go to a pub and drink themselves silly or wonder around town aimlessly, not actually doing anything.

But maybe that only applies to the people around here ?

Maybe it's just me being lazy complaining like this and not doing anything about it ? Now that would b the most logical thing to assume... It's not like if it's anybodies fault that my life is boring but my own... Or ? Anybody wanna come out and confess ? Didn't really think so, since it's no one else bears the blame but me. But then there's the issue of finding both energy and the willpower to change things for the better.....

Now I told you about my curse.... Tell me about yours !

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