Deadly gaze

I was given such look I couldn't make out what it was. It was completely different from any I ever encountered before. If gazes could kill, that one would probably been a sudden heartattack with an agonizing end. I wonder what it was. Don't know if that look was intentional or not, but still there was something to it.

I see the pain inflicted in all sorts of directions. Inflicted in different areas of different people. All in pain of different reasons. Yet I am but one, how could I possibly help them all if any at all. I would very much like to do something to help but what could I possibly do? I try but there is not much I can do. As I said I am but one and they are many. Still somehow I feel as though I have the potential to help. Because I care for them very much. But they are still too many for me alone to handle. I would need to focus first on one at a time and leave my own issues aside. But then again that would surely result in a loss. For my issues directly involve others. Though no more has been said I still feel this isn't all okay. Might even be far from it. But the actual truth is known by only one individual. "How to turn this into a win-win situation?" I constantly ask myself. I know what I would like. I know what another would like. But then I know that would be an unpleasant fact in another ones eyes. It might be considered a betrayal and that was never my intention.

But things never really turn out the way we expect them to. For we never think of all the different factors which have a say in reality. But many things which I've noticed where to be expected. All a result of my own folly. Playing with this fire. Touching the forbidden. Putting myself in this surely dangerous situation.

Time will surely provide a good solution to this dilemma.

Internal Strife

As I see the regret in those eyes a deep anger arises. My bubbly friend yells in my ear " It's far too late now. There is no reason anymore. It's a lost cause. Leave it!". What my little friend tells me is true. It's been a while. It's gone on for far too long. I would much rather leave it. Go on with no regret. I know I can only if I let myself. My will is turned towards this. My heart tells me that I have no need for this. There is no more reason to live in this limbo. Time to get past it. With or without the other part. My head tells me to yet give another chance. Sooner or later it will be taken. Sooner or later it the chance given will be taken and then this problem will forever be behind and forgotten. But my mind doubts the strenght of the other part. That the other part never will take those chances given. Yet nothing has been done. One short conversation. ONE. That is all the effort so far. And a compliment to my new shoes. That is next to nothing considering what has been. But I'm still waiting. Though I don't feel confident in any change at all I'm still waiting. Hoping that I'm not doing all this in vain. Hopefully the message will get through soon.

Over to some other matters which need adressing. Probably even more pressing matters than this. The confession was made. A new matter arose. Just as expected it wasn't quite that welcome or ideal. I was granted permission but still I know of the dislike to the situation. I completely understand. That is probably the reason this matter is something worth pondering about. I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to make things harder than they might already be. I know of my past actions, my past mistakes. But I am sure that I won't redo those same mistakes. For they where not right then and they are not right now. I won't do the same again. I've learnt my lesson. But I'm not surprised if it might be hard to believe. Still I don't believe that is the whole matter either. Rather I know that isn't all of it. But we still need to talk more about it.

Just don't know what to say really. I want one thing but I wouldn't want to sacrifice another either. It may be selfish of me but I want to have both. It would probably be a bit hard. At least now at first.

Taking Steps

As I continuously write all these blogs within a short period of time I am makingmore and more progress. Taking steps towards an end. More and more steps towards the end of the tunnel. Into the light which has for so long been a distant dream. One which has been hard to make a reality due to certain circumstanses. But since these circumstanses are being eliminated I feel how this dream more and more can finally become a reality. Still this process is yet a sad one. It really is sad that these steps need to be taken. That I need to do this to go on. It was never my intent yet there was nothing really I could do to stop this from happening. How long can I really be a pawn to be thrown around taking punishment for someone who doesn't even care.

To think that words can me so empty. So untruthful. So deceitful. I doubt there being any truth to it. Doesn't seem possible. For those actions speak so much louder than those words. I'm not the only one affected by this. People in my surroundings are also hurt by this behaviour. And it really makes me mad! It's just too much. All of it. All gone far to long. It needs to stop. But how could one such as I do anything about it? Kind of confrontation could be effective yet not too brutal? I'm losing all my respect to this matter. I see how the actions my mind is planning is simply disrespectful and hurtful. Yet I see how effective it might be. I see how it would help me. But the understanding of the other part might not be able to comprehend it all. I don't believe the other part would want to listen. I am sure of it. The other part would not want to hear all those things I would have to say. Would choose not to understand. To simply stay a child just to not have to take the consequenses. Just to be able to give away the responsability.

But I'll give it a week. Unless change occurs I'll have to take further action.

Worries

So now the time of confrontation closes in. Soon it will have to be done. I dislike the fact that anything needs to me done about it. If I could choose I'd just leave it as it is. Just take it all easy. But if I do so, to what cost? I need to think of something to say, we need to think of something to say. I wonder if it's just been my imagination or if there is a dislike to this. I would probably dislike the situation if the tables were turned.

I'm feeling that there is something that I should do. That there is a pressing matter. Just that I've missed it or walked past in my deep thought and dwelling. I'll have to take a look into it. There must be something that can be done about it. I'll take some time to investigate this. But still there are things which need my attention more at the moment.

We'll have to figure things out still.

Personal Growth

Anger is done. It has left. But it left behind the irritation. The irritation of this. All this. All these children and their childish games. Is there no way of finding anything else? Who are not children but still can play?

So much noise, so much fuss, so much of everything... Why am I not like them? Why do I constantly find myself in this position?

What probably bugs me the most is that things seem to have gone backwards. That things have gotten out of hand. I would have expected all this to have gone by already. But still I can not blame them. For this is a natural part of life. This is what is considered normal. It's natural this behaviour. But why does it feel so disgustful to me? Why can I not find myself within it?

I have a feeling of a certain someone that used to give a sort of balance or calm, just by being there. A sense of understanding between us which no one else quite understands. One that's quite comfortable. But it isn't strange at all. I see a certain respect which I haven't quite witnessed before. Something I feel I should appriciate more. I just haven't put the time to figure out exaclty how. But I know I can do better.

And for recent news, I'm quite excited. It'll be nice. But it's too early to get too excited but. I like the idea of it.

Yet there is a conversation that still needs to be held. But my bubbly red friend tells me to wait it out for a while. And to change these recent patterns for they will surely lead to something bad. To get a bit of variation to recent activities. Sure it's fun at the moment but variation needs to take place.

I think that is the key to a better life. More variation.Give more color and life to it. Feed it with all the necessary vitamins and protines. A more balanced diet. Still I will need a bit of coaching to pull this off. Sloth has been taking over me for quite some time now. I need to pull away from him. Keep him at bay. I need to get out more and do more. Now as the weather gets better I'll have an easier time to do stuff.

But first of all I need to tell myself to take things a bit slow. Not to jump into anything before I'm sure of being ready for it. Not be overconfident but still put enough pressure on myself to actually overcome things. Set goals which are reachable but still needs effort put into it. I feel confident that I am not alone in this even though I might actually be. But I'm not at the same time.

Feels nice.

Thought

So I saw today another attempt. But the thing is, I kind of liked the way things were. I had gotten use to them. Had meant to let things go and just not care anymore. This just seems like more trouble changing things from what they were. I had already accepted that there would be no change. That it would be the future. I was already comfortable with it. To tell the truth I had liked the distance that had been between us. For I had started putting distance myself. And therefore it had become something that I wanted.

Maybe this change in behaviour pattern is a result of the sudden "I don't want things to be like this anymore". I know that this change that is taking place is one which I do not want anymore. I want to close this chapter of my life and burn the book. Start anew. But this is only dragging out this chapter. But what to do now? I know I want to leave it all. But the other part doesn't seem to want me to. Why is that? This is a question on constant repeat. My red bubbly friend keeps asking me "Why do you think this has to drag on?". I still have this feeling of that the reason is simply a selfish one. That it has more to do with not wanting to take the consequenses of their actions. Should I comply or should I take my own path and leave it behind? What would be best? What is the right thing to do. Somehow I feel as though I already know the answer but just haven't gotten around to telling myself.

I have this strong urge to call it all off. To just say how I dislike this situation and for how much too long it's been going on and that I figure I would feel a lot better if I just got to leave it all. That it isn't even close to being worth it. That this person isn't worth the effort. But those are things I rather not say for they would probably be more hurtful than anything else. But how healthy is it to bottle up these thoughts and emotions? In my experience it hasn't exactly helped me. Mostly it's been causing me more pain than anything else. But this time I feel a strangely strong urge to cut all ties. I really wonder why. I probably should look into it but, I haven't a care left. I just want an end. An end to it all.

Progress

So monday I got loads of Happy Birthdays. Including one from that one. I was surprised for it was a proper attempt. Just the kind I was hoping for. Only that it was a bit too cheerful for my taste. Wasn't really in any mood. And it was a bit of a strong aproach to start off with. But at least our conversation led to something this time. Still nothing more has really been done since. I guess it is expected of me to take some initiative too. But that wasn't quite our deal. I said that I would at first be a hard target. That I wouldn't necessarly do anything in return. That that one needs to start everything off again.

But I'm unsure of if that one really understood that or just thinks that it was for one time. I thought I was clear but seems not. Or maybe it's just hard. Maybe that one is afraid of me. At least that was the case last time. That was why nothing ever happened. But why be afraid? What is there to be afraid of? It seems silly to me to be afraid like that. I mean why? But this is people we're talking about. They're all silly. Every single one of them. You just have to find those situations where they are.

I'm probably silly for even putting any thought into this. That must be my folly. To even let myself care for this anymore. This whole situation started off silly, everything that's been going on has been silly. How silly of me not to have gotten rid of it already.


But over all I see a bright future. A very interesting one. Though in certain aspects it might me a gamble. It always is. There's no real way of getting past that gamble. For noone is that honest that there wouldn't be a gamble. At least I haven't met such a person. But thinking back there was this one person. Some times I miss what was then. There we had something great. But unfortunately time pushed us apart. Now we don't have that much contact. It's a pity really, for it was absolutely the best. Something I constantly keep thinking of. But we've settled our differences. We are friends but we meet all to seldom. But I don't really want to meet too often either. I like it the way it is. There is no way of having what once was anyways.

But enough of going through memories. The main thing is that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter.

Mixture of Feelings

I am so mixed up right now it's hard to determine what's going on. What I really expect from this situation. For I cannot say that this will have any greater significance. But still I feel as though it really will have a difference this time. Maybe because it wasn't me who did anything this time. Some initiative was taken from the other part. Felt nice to see that something actually had gotten through at last. This time things will change. I am sure of it. But I probably won't be able to take this change right at the moment. There is too much of everything else going on to really tell. But the question still remains. Is this what I really want? I have my doubts for I could've gone then and there but I didn't for the sake of another. That was the second chance. The chance that was never taken. Because of this I have felt that there is no need for another chance for it isn't worth it. That chance that I have now given was not deserved. But still I felt compelled to give it. And so I have. But if this fails once again what then? Should we go on as we have these past 3 months or what? I would at least leave it all behind me and forget. Forget anything ever happened in the first place. Forget that we ever met. Forget all the good and the bad memories clinging on to nothing. But today we'll have to see how the future unfolds.

Today is the first day of trial.

What a fitting Birthday present, don't you think?

Disgust

I can really put words on my disgust. It seems as though there isn't going to be a turning point to this. It is exactly as I expected. For the other part never took the contact and didn't try. A few "hi"s here and there but nothing more. This only tells me that this other person doesn't care. Doesn't care enough to try if the care is there at all. To think all that trouble was in vain. That waiting it out to give another chance was useless. There was no real difference. I would have liked to see that it wasn't all in vain. That the conversation we had that time actually made a difference. But not really. Things never really changed. But I'm probably the one to blame for this as well. I know my actions haven't really encouraged this change to take place. So I understand that things can't be that east either. But still if it was to any importance some effort would be put into it so that it could happen. I would like this to take place still. I'm still waiting for something more than a simple "hi" as to invite me to make change. For that would surely lead to me doing everything by myself again. For it is always I who has to make the effort.

But due to recent happenings I haven't had the energy to do anything about it. For I have been in a deep worry. But I feel as though the reason to worry is steadily decreasing. I needn't worry about this any more for that particular area seems stable. I never thought that this event would have such an impact on me. I don't think I ever realized how much it really mattered. How much I really cared. But now that this worry seems to be out of my way I am ready to go on and build everything again.

I have found a happiness. One of these things that produce happiness. One of these nice aspects which makes life more pleasant. Nothing really serious. Something which is more playful. A aspect of life which I've kind of been without these past months. A way to play. A way to make life nicer, more enjoyable. A way to make life more interesting in a completely different way. I enjoy this company. Still I feel I need to be careful. Something is at risk, maybe. I still have to have a few answers to some questions. But I wouldn't want to ask for I fear the answers would compel me to change these habits which have been good. But still I understand if the answers would lead to the same thing. For I suspect if the turned I would too dislike the same behaviour. But this is still something that needs taking care of. I just need more time before I can properly take care of this.

I was recently surprised that certain things that were said was taken seriously. Though we both understood that it was clearly a joke. But the effort made to actually buy me roses made me happy. I didn't expect it though I didn't find it all too odd either. For of what I've seen I could quite easily have thought of it as a possibility. But still I found it quite nice that I actually got a rose even though I was joking about expecting to get one on our last encounter. People really do have the capacity to make another happy with all these small things. I just wish I experienced them more. I do get similar fun things but not in the same way. I guess it was just that exact way that made it so fun.

Over all I can sum it up with I seem to be recovering this everything. By my opinion I should be here where I am a lot earlier but, better late than never. Things are looking up!

Melancholy

Still even though change has come, it hasn't really changed anything. Which is quite strange if you ask me. But the thing is the change is not really a big one. The situation still requires me to do a lot of work. Work which I haven't the energy to do. All the energy I once had was thrown away into something that was hopeless. I had already given up before I was given a chance. A chance that I would have taken. Only for the new factors which play a great role in this whole drama.

With this new factor I couldn't possibly do anything other than worry. I don't know at all what's going to happen and I can in no possible way help. I've already lost a person which once was important and now this. Will this ever end? Could I ever find that window so I could crawl out of this hole. Is there any way out of this continuous feeling of melancholy? How many more drawbacks and hatches are there going to be before I can restore myself?

When will I be able to restore myself? Why haven't I been able? I have some reasons, some people I could put the blame on. But is it really their fault? Does their presence really mean all that much in this whole thing? I'm thinking they have a difference. But still the main problem is yet to be discovered. Maybe I've discovered it and now I've realized this: Life doesn't get any easier. Life won't get any better. I'm cursed with this and there's no cure. There's no way out. For there is no one who could help me heal. There is no one who could help me recover. There is no one there for me.

I believe no one is evil. Just that they haven't the strength nor the energy to help me with this process. They are too much in need of help themselves to be able to help me with my state. I understand why, but still I believe all that's needed is a little willpower. But sometimes my mind wonders of with the thought " What if nobody really cares enough?". The red bubbly moisture jumps back at me at night revealing my fears and doubts. Asking what if nobody wants to care. What if there's nobody who would care. What if everybody hates. With these thoughts in mind who could possibly sleep well? Who could truly enjoy life when everyday go through the same things. Having their fears and doubts presented to them. Getting up every morning with the feelings of the previous nightmare lingering over them. Taking a whole day to recover from them. But being reminded.

The funny thing is that this red bubbly moisture, which bubbles around in my head, often has many strange but true things to say to me. He tells me what's going on. He tells me what I'm feeling when I myself can't identify it. He has told me many wise things. Given me ideas which have led to success. Told me what is going on even though I haven't wanted to believe it. But it has always turned out to be true. Even though the odds have been against him, he has mostly had right in what he's said. Most of the things he tells me turn out to be true. Even before I myself realize that it is through.

He tells me my recent feeling have clouded my mind. That I have become the slave of over which I once was master. The reason for this is that the three pillars which sustain life have been attacked. Even the one which was the strongest of them all was attacked and nearly destroyed completely. As the others where attacked the focused strikes laid on the main pillar costed me dearly. My dear little red friend tells me that this has happened and is the reason for my current doubt. That this is the reason for my current weakness. That this is something I must be dealt with. That I need to focus my energy in rebuilding these three pillars. And this time with the new experiences build them stronger and more sturdy for the next time it shall not falter in the line of attacks that the future holds. This time certain barricades which are specially designed for this now known enemy. For when this has become more of a reality than a thought I can go on with my life and leave the past behind and start anew which was my plan from the very beginning of the end.

Still I feel the need of support. Some way to get all the way to the top. Tools to build. And help.

The question is "what now?"

I went through the first day of school thinking to myself. Is there any difference at all or not. Since the day had gone with no signs I assumed nothing was going to change after all. As I said I didn't really have that much faith in this. But maybe my nagging and my open doubt changed the fact that nothing was going to change. As of a way to prove I was wrong or something like that. I have reason to believe it is less about me and more about the other part. Has always been and will probably be for a while longer at least. But the short moment of improvement took me by surprise. I didn't really know how to react so I just kind of "oh.. yeah.. hmmm.." to the whole moment. Maybe it was a subconscious act to say "I'm not just gonna let this blow over"?

Realizing what that would mean, I start to wonder. What's the point in this whole charade? Haven't this all gone on way too long? So why stop me from putting an end to it? I just don't understand while still I perfectly understand. I know what the reason is, but my question still stands as why. I only see this as a future of continuous torment and pain. Another path to destruction. Why take another road that leads to the same destination of my own personal hell?

But still the true nature of this is yet to unveil. If there's still a faintest bit of hope left I'll go after it. Put myself at risk to once again revive something that was killed and buried without a name. But still a part tells me to leave it. To cut it off. To completely destroy any traces left of what has been. Go on leaving everything behind. But that would mean saying goodbye not to expect any return in the nearest future.

It seems my writers block might be easing. I think I might be able to finish my song soon. After a week free from burden something is regained. I will continue a while and see what I can fish up. It might actually be good.

Vasa today

Right now I'm sitting and wondering what now? I'm wondering what I should do about the situation. I can't say this short week has helped me a lot. Nothings really changed. I've had time to think things over. Or to be more honest I haven't been able to keep myself from it. Always getting around to it in the end. Still the absence has helped. Maybe this is all that's been needed? Maybe I should have gone away for a while to charge up? At least all I know this week has been great. Not the absolute best but better than these past weeks. But now I have to go back to the same source once again, wondering how to deal with the situation. After all it should have changed just before the holiday. But I don't feel as though I can trust the other part in this whole unnecessary drama. Still I don't trust anything has changed. I'm just waiting for the confirmation to be given so i can go on about my life and leave certain unnecessary ties behind. Then I could pull myself loose. Once that has happened I could go on without. I would probably do much better once again.

Some things this week has got me thinking what if? I've got a glimpse of the past. Remembering good old times. Remembering how fun things have been. It feels nice. Knowing it is a reality to which I could return to without further problem. When I think about it, it makes me happy. These small get togethers have helped me. I've seen something I forgot existed. And that existence is and always have been something vital.

I saw something that made me start to wonder "What was that?". I didn't really catch it. I saw it completely. I was surprised to find it. Or did I really see it or was it my imagination? I'm thinking a bit of both. I think what I saw was real but I think I might have seen it for something else than what it really was. It would be easiest to assume that. But my curiosity tells me to look into it and find out the truth. See if it was something or just my imagination playing more tricks on me. The thought of it seems very appealing. Somehow very sure. Very secure. At the very least reliable. But my mind might be playing tricks on me. But then again why would it? It has been telling me loads, I've just not been able to listen. My suspicions have all been true. At least I've got confirmation. But certain things have been said that cannot be true. They don't work. Not the way things have been played out. I can't believe them. For otherwise certain things wouldn't have been done. Those things don't go together.

I've played with the thought many times over. I've liked it. I've thought that this is the right course of action due to the circumstances presented. But taken these thoughts I have only concidered one possible outcome of the whole mess. Which I feel is the most likely.

I feel at unease when thinking of going back to see the result of last friday. For I do not know how to take it all. Which approach would be best? Which things should be said and which should be let out? What would be the absolute best. I know what would be best for me but what would be best for the both of us?