Appreciation

Every now and then things don't go the way we have planned. These past few days I've had to live with the fact that nothing has gone as I had hoped. Due to certain circumstances my life has been quite different since I've had to live without one of my essentials. Often you'd hear people say things like "you don't really know what you had till it's gone" or stuff like that, though I would disagree. 

Naturally when something you have disappears you'll feel the absence. In my opinion that is actually too late for you to notice what you had. To me, the statement above seems more like an excuse. I knew that it was an essential for my situation and I was grateful for having it. I knew that in it's absence my life would become a lot more difficult and challenging. I knew what I was losing before I lost it. I knew what I had. Losing an essential added a lot of challenge to my everyday life. I simply had to change how I did things and sadly I had to cancel a few plans.

I think a lot more people would be a lot happier if they started appreciating what they have. What if more people were more aware of what they have and how privileged they are? I hear stories of teenagers deliberately destroying their phones so that their parents will have to buy them new ones, the latest and best ones. Will this work in the long run? From what I gather, young people tend not to think too much about the future and the fact that they will one day move out and have to support themselves. This is no news, they tend to just assume that they'll get just about whatever they like. Naturally there are a lot of exceptions to this generalisation. Every now and then I can meet very mature teenagers who think about the future and what kind of consequences their actions have. They're aware of the financial situation in the family and they take that into account.

Inconvenient truths

So I suppose it's about time to write a new post. It's been a while. I haven't just felt like I've had anything to say. 

When I got the apology I was a bit surprised. I didn't know how to react. I still don't. Looking back to the event I think that maybe it was good with an apology, though I don't know how else things could have been done. It's not a very big thing but I appreciate the gesture. To me it speaks of something deeper. I admire the character I see.

There is a lot of good I can see. I can't help but to be bothered by the unease I feel every now and then. I know this unease is only a reflection of the deep insecurity. A deep deep scar from the past. I've noticed every now and then the subtle flashes of emotions that are rooted in history. I am bothered by the fact that I'm still affected by what happened. It's easy to forgive and forget, it's not always so easy to follow it through. I can forgive, but how could I ever forget? 

My dreams reveal the resentment I carry. I await that day when I will be confronted by it. Will I keep my cool or will my emotions get the better of me once again? Will I ever get the closure I need to move on? Perhaps not. Frankly I don't think things will be good ever again. It's a two way stream and I'm sure that I can't expect anything. Of course people can change, but I have seen no indications that anything will change. 

I am no longer the same closed up person I once was. Two years ago I would never have shared what I talked about last sunday. I can see how I am a lot more able to help people now and make more of a difference. 

Thank you!