Complicated

Things aren't always as easy as they seem. Things now are not as I had earlier envisioned them. They are completely different. I wonder about the decision and I wonder was that really right. In some ways yes, in others no.

But anyway I think things might change in a different manner than previously thought. I hope things turn out for the best. We'll see. 

Things are complicated right now. 

Trauma

I made a new realisation last night. Something that's been with me since I can remember. I just wonder why? What in my past made me bring it with me. As I thought about it an image popped up in my head. An old memory. The memory tends to pop up every now and then. 

I can still remember the feeling. I can still feel the trembling. I can still see the fear. 

This happened more than once.

The Road Ahead

I wouldn't look for something new, how could I? I know that it would only be to fill a space, but why would I want that? I know that the situation would only end up the same. Right now that would only cause everybody pain.

Even though I believe it was the best thing to do I'm still in grief. I'm sure the other part feels it too. It is said that if you love something you sometimes have to let it go, well I think that applies to this situation. It's not easy, I knew it wouldn't be. Love isn't always easy. Love isn't always what you want it to be.

Sometimes love means giving something up for the better of someone else, even though it mightn't be the most pleasant thing to do. Doing the right thing isn't always the easiest. I mean if the right thing always was the easiest then life would be so much simpler, but it isn't.

Still I keep thinking whether or not we we're in a hurry with the decision making. I keep thinking if there was anyway to change the situation into one that would work. I keep wondering if I should have thought about it more. I keep thinking that I should have tried harder.

Then again I'm pretty sure these are the kinds of thoughts one has if they make a life-changing decision and has not yet experienced the consequences properly. I'm sure time will tell us.

Where exactly to go on from here is unclear. Maybe I have to wait for the fog to settle before I can look forward. Right now I have to watch my step and slow down.

Strange Change

Change is strange. Sometimes you don't really know how to react or how to cope. Part of me is sad yet another part of me is relieved. There were tears, but I suppose that's a good thing. I didn't really expect it to go so well, but then again the other side is a good one. As far as I can tell this has been the most successful confrontation in my life, though time will tell if I'm right. Things probably have to sink in before we draw to conclusions. Still, I'm pretty confident.

Things don't necessarily have to end, just change. The change will be good, for everyone I think. As I reached my limits I knew things had to change. I could not live with the situation as it was. These new circumstances will probably make everything easier.

A lot of what was, remains. Hopefully that won't change. Some aspects of this change is unpleasant to think about, but things which must be accepted when the time comes.

Time will heal all wounds. I think of these recent wounds as clean ones, therefore they won't get infected.

Love is a complicated thing. It isn't as straightforward, all the time, as one would wish. It never left, but couldn't stay in the shape it was. The love is still there, trust me.

This

I've had a lot of thoughts about it lately. What I'm doing, what I want to do, what I should do and so on. So I guess things are pretty much as they usually are, only now things seem more complicated than they usually are. So many things to take into account. So many things which tell me different things. I know things will never be the way I imagined them. Not as seems now anyway. I just don't see that possibility, I suppose that might be good or bad. Then there's the important factor I never really took into account that still influences me constantly. The whole reason this is something to think about in the first place.

I have come to love it here. I am really happy about having these opportunities. I'm wondering if this was that which I felt for all these years. If this was that which would fill that void that never could get filled. I suppose it's the completely new ingredients in my life.

I see it.