The boost of confidence needed. The pursuit of happiness finding it's path. Yet so far away, several steps closer. I feel happiness right now. I feel as though I am finally succeeding. My mission was a success and life is looking up. Long way still but a burst of hope !

Subconsciousness

Vasa by night was just what I needed. Something I could use to take it easy and relax. Even though it wasn't really taking it easy it was relieving. I can't really recall too much of the events of the night, but still I feel happier. The day after was absolutely wonderful ! I woke up earlier than usual. Strange because others usually don't wake up early the next morning feeling great. But anyways school was fun and entertaining. Got to use up all extra energy. But then again it wasn't too pleasant when I noticed that the new computer that I got didn't have pages so everything that was written down was completely useless since I couldn't look at it nor could I write any more notes. But after school me and F went shopping for watermelon. But since we didn't know where that particular shop was we went wondering around like two idiots walking a lot more than necessary before finally finding the shop.

After finally finding the shop we went inside with awe when seeing the size of the place. Or at least I was. Then we looked for the right watermelon and then we bought it. When walking home we realized just how much extra we had gone. But it was good exercise and we got to have a good long chat. We got to know each other better. Or at least he got to know more about me. I tend to talk a lot when alone with another individual. And after coming home I realized that I would need to get ready for maths. So then a few friends came over so I could get my bag which I had left at a friends place . After retrieving my bag we went to Övis schoolyard to meet J. And after just arriving I realized that I needed to hurry up. So running along to get all my stuff almost running I got there at the exactly predicted time. But after stepping into class I realize that there's loads of unknown people none who had been on maths the last time. Confused I asked a person close to me if this was maths. Then he tells me that we just had maths. Then realizing that I had gotten the times mixed up so I had missed the class I was stressing so much to arrive in time at. But you know what they say. Shit happens !

After my disappointing discovery I first called J wondering where they were and telling him of my miss and then I called my mother telling her about the situation with the computer my friends called since they had gotten to know of my situation and told me where to come. After sitting there with them a good while we decided to go home which was a huge relief since my backside didn't really agree with the cold step. When getting home I went to F's to eat our melon. So after a short guitar lesson we cut up the melon and started watching a movie. Blood Rayne 2 which was a great disappointment on my part. It didn't have very much action and it wasn't the same person acting the part of the main character. The story was better than the first but it could have been done a lot better. After eating almost my whole half my body protested. My head was telling me that " If you make me eat more melon I'll make you throw up ! " since the speed of my consumption was astonishingly fast. And after receiving that message I stopped and didn't feel for any more. After the movie I went back home and went to bed only brushing my teeth before sleep.

Even though sleeping the recommended 8 hours I didn't feel at all satisfied with the sleep since I was so tired I fell asleep in school today. But since it was break when I actually fell asleep it was okay. But I was only barely able to stay awake enough to listen to our teacher at all. After the break I was able to actually able to keep my head clear enough to understand what she was on about. After Swedish we had our daily assembly which I can't really recall much of because I was in a more of a " drugged " state of mind caused by my tiredness. I was playing around a bit with a class mate and not really paying too much attention to the person speaking. Somewhat disrespectful but one doesn't want to listen every day. After our assembly I was on my way to the bus station since I had an appointment with my doctor. Lucky me who had heard a rumor about the bus station changing place or I wouldn't have noticed that I had walked passed the bus that I was to go with. So when arriving at the bus in the last second I payed my ticket and then got on the bus which left immediately after me taking a seat and shortly I fell asleep again. Slept until we reached Oravais where I woke up thinking we were in Jakobstad. But to disappointment we had a long way to go still. So after a long drive I arrived about an hour before the appointment so I went to JG to visit my friends. And when their lessons started I headed for the hospital and yet again a almost perfect timed arrival meeting my old physiotherapist who showed me my brothers name in the newspaper and showed some tables he had made. Shortly after this my specialist came and I filled in some papers and got to see if any training was possible. And to my surprise I was ready to start a new and better training which means it will finally start to get a lot better improving my life quite a bit. When finally getting home I checked the internet and tuned the guitar here at home and then started playing a bit. Then I was reminded about a " homework " I had gotten from F to learn. I was suppose to figure out which chord are in one song. And after a while I got it by just listening. Or I got most of it right and unfortunetly a friend accidentally told me whichones were to be changed to what. But still it felt good getting what I had right. At ten o'clock I went to R's to watch some movies with my old gang which I had left behind when moving to Vasa. The evening was nice but we could have done more than just watch movies in my opinion. But you can't always get what you want, now can you ?

Further more I have written a really detailed blog for no appearent reason. Just felt like it a guess. The topic I was planning to write about doesn't seem to charming after all this.

to be at peace..

I have the sollution in my hands right now. I just need to see if I have aquired the tools needed for this task at hand. Somehow I feel as though I am closer to the goal than I ever have been yet. I now have an idea which will get me dangerously close without risk. I believe that if I pull this of, I will have gotten close enough to start working. Depending on how well my theory works in real life I will have gotten a good stable ground to rebuild everything which was lost before it ever was to be.

But yet there is another factor which I never had thought about til' quite recently. This is a trickier task since it doesn't directly touch me but yet it is of great importance and influences the whole situation.

One might wonder.. How does such a messed up situation take place in the first place ?

I really don't like you right now ! You've done just what I told you not to do. Or rather you didn't do like I wanted you to do.. I really hate that. I explaned why it was important that you listen but you didn't really care. Well... You are still only a human. I'm the one at fault to have trusted you with such a thing. It seems that honesty is something that is not easily come across.

You disappoint me...

todays surprise

I was surprised by one person in particular. This person that I will be calling G surprised me with a certain passage to a certain place which is a secret. It surprised me that I got this privilage since it's a quite big deal if you ask me. I feel as though there is a certain trust that cannot be explained. I can't find any explanation to this but, might as well think of it as a good thing. Something one shouldn't ponder on to deeply and just be happy.

On other thoughts. I started to wonder. Do I really write as deeply as people seem to think ? Probably.. Wonder if its really a good thing since more and more people have started to read these blogs. But come to think of it, why stop now ? It's not like if everybody understands what everything really is about. Well there are those people to whom I've told but. Anyone else wouldn't understand ? They might have their ideas but never really know.

It's getting a bit late so I'll have to leave it at that.

Interesting People.

What makes one person intrested in another ? And I mean this in a non-sexual way. What is it that makes one want to know more about another. To what purpuse does one want to know. How does one realize that the other person is interesting. Not knowing making one want to find out. But why is this ?
I recently met a person who I don't really know at all. I looked in this persons eyes and got interested and I don't really understand. There was something with the look in this persons eyes that made me want to know more. But because of my recent disputes with myself I kept myself since I need to be more careful with people. Careful with connecting with people on an emotional level. I have lost a lot which I shouldn't have by connecting to someone potentially harmful in this state of mind. Eventhough this person seems to be vulnerable in one way. Somehow it feels this way.
I'm thinking that maybe that is why this person whom I will be calling P is so interesting. I want to find out where and why and try to understand. But I have never really gained anything from doing this. But P seems to be different in some way. I feel as though there's something that we both can relate to in some way or another. Thinking back to our little conversations I believe P feels the same way as I do. We have something in common one a totally different level.

But still one needs to be cautious when exploring something that was "unreachable" before.

"that" attention that wasn't there.

I've been wondering for quite a while now why things haven't been changing. There's always something that needs fixing and for what reason ? Why am I never satisfied ? My conclusion is that it's because what's needed is attention. Not just any attention but, "That" attention. That specific attention. That's the attention that is needed for everything to be able to fall back in place.

I believe that it would fix that feeling of emptyness. I'm thinking that if I get just "that" then I'll be able to put everything else in place and avoid these same situations that I'm always putting myself into. Since I don't know why I end up in these same situations all the time it must be my subconsciousness putting me there since I don't believe in things just happening for no appearent reason. There is always something that has happened which has led to what is happening right now in the present. So a reoccuring event must be triggered by something that hasn't been dealt with.

So how does one fix this ? How does one make this happen ? It's not easy anyhow.
But after fixing this, my putting myself harmful situations such as these recent ones. Don't understand why this area of my life has to be affected by that area but if one dies the others mourn.

sad but true...

I tend to have all the wrong priorities. I have realized what I need to change. But then I don't seem to be able to change them. Maybe I'm not really trying even though I want to. Am I unable to do so ? Not likely. I probably don't want to even though it would be so much better for me. Since I don't seem to gain anything when following my current priorities. They need to change for me to change. I need to change becase that's the only way for my situation to change. And I do not want to be in this same situation any longer. It's just unhealthy. I'm just being unhealthy. And it's my fault and my fault alone. Or maybe it's not the priorities that needs to change, maybe it's my choises. I'm making the same mistakes as before as if I didn't learn anything from them. As if I didn't learn anything from them.... Now that I said it I might just have considered that possibility. Realization sometimes really sucks. But without it I'd be a lost cause. I need to just let it go. Force it away if I have to. I can't relive this scenario... I simply can't.

This unsettling feeling of irritation streaming through the whole body and building up into onw point resulting in an explosion of nervous energy. What could it have been ? I have yet not comprehended what happened yesterday. I have no clue to what caused it. Those emotions I experienced where... unimaginably strange. What could cause such an experience ? I can't seem to find the source. I've looked into sertain areas thinking it must be the most logical places to look since it is of the recent events in my life. I could not connect it together in any way.
It's quite scary, the unknown. So scary it's funny actually... Sitting here laughing at myself. Sometimes I behave in such a strange manner I scare myself. I really wish I knew myself better. This is just ridiculous really. I really need to get control over myself soon...