life as it (regretably) is now

Life as it is now is meaningless, slow, empty and mostly boring. Adding all these facts together into one you get miserable. And miserable is nothing but bad. You get nothing out of it but more misery because when your miserable you're most likely pessimistic about most things since your life sucks anyways, those "special" moments occur less frequently resulting in loss of fate. These emotions lead to depression which will only amplify these negative feelings and make the positive ones more or less, Fade away.

So what should you do when this happens to you ?

Well the most obvious thing is to do something about it ! I guess you reading this would have already figured it out.

Step 1 . Find the source of these negative emotions.

Step 2. Find a way to deal with the source.

Step 3. Take care of it

See I know what to do about it but if I haven't fully cleared step 1 and can't find any way of clearing it, what should I do then ?

I've spoken to friends, I couldn't See any psychologists since my experience with them haven't fixed anything but only been able to amplify the pain of the situation. It's like when being serious the one that's supposedly suppose to help you, Laughs in your face like if I was making a joke. I know I'm not like others and relatively weird but for someone to act in such a manner... Why the hell would I want that ? It's not like if I'm here because I'm miserable but does she really need to make me more miserable implying that my life is a joke.

Maybe it has the psychologist that I met who wasn't too good but she absolutely ruled psychologists out of the question which is a bad thing.

My friends either don't care enough to help me find to what the problem really is. Or they're simply unable to help. Which is quite sad in many ways. So what I do and have always done subconsciously caring and not only helping but occasionally fix or find the solution for their problems and hope someone will return the favour. Which is quite stupid cause people just say thanks and leave not really seeing the tortured soul behind the eagerness to help and fix any problems there may be. I guess it's only that obvious in my head.

When after noticing this I've been wondering. Do I only really care about other people and their problems because deep down I just want someone to care about me ? Horrible really if you think about it.

But this, all of this needs to change for the better. I think that it's maybe gone so far that I need to "kill myself" in order to fix the grounds for this depressing way of thought and living making life a blessing instead of a curse. Spreading some positive light. Writing blogs that aren't depressing like these that I recently wrote. Closing this already to long chapter of my life.

But since I'll be moving I'll hopefully meet some new and intresting people which will be helping out this "rehabilitation" of mine.

So for the next time i write a blog It'll most likely be more cheer ful. I hope anyways.

Contemplations...

How does one truly make someone else understand how important they really are without scaring them away ? See if one comes on too strong about feelings the other partner many times are compelled to pull away and often get confused by the situation. But if one doesn't come on strong how will the other person realize that one truly find them important and know how much they can mean to someone else. I'm really compelled to take some kind of action to make it clear but am afraid of giving of the wrong signals thus pushing the person away. I believe that if the person knew how I felt and understood how important they are to me in the so many ways they would feel a lot better thus increasing their life quality and therefore giving me hope since the similarities between us makes it so easy for me to look into myself since our conversations have been like they will help me fix myself. I feel as though it would be good to study this person and interact frequently to get to know oneself. This person I speak of truly is a mirror and also the answer. When together I feel good in a different way than before. It's a pretty deep issue, maybe beyond many peoples comprehension. Perhaps beyond my own, since I don't truly understand the nature of these feelings. The reason behind these feeling or what would be better. Giving in to instincts and follow whatever crosses one's mind. My instincts tell me to get closer, study it more, if I manage to get into the mind of this person I will find the answers about myself.

What does truly make me happy....

But my head says to leave it be, keep a distance, a misunderstanding resulting in a deeper wound than ever before is likely to occur. What should one do when there is such an internal struggle ?

I desperately need my answers, so does this person. I believe that we are exactly the same, the only thing setting us apart is our life experiences and developments. Like jin and yang the same yet not really.

Why do I ponder on this as hard as I do ? Why do I find this so..... thrilling, exciting, serious yet so incredibly horrifying an why do I feel so compelled ?

I react on reason I see no reason why react so strongly if there's no reason what is the reason what makes me care as much as I do why am I not finding these answers by myself ? why do I need to pull someone else into the equation to be able to make it work out and come to the right conclusions ?

Why dwell so hard on such thing others never give any thought to leaving me all by myself feeling so alone yet being surrounded by great friends and people ?

Another sleepless night....

I just came home from a midnight run. Reason is that I cannot sleep. No particular reason really, but there seems to be something bothering me from beneath the surface... Or at least that's my theory. Don't have any other valid reason why I feel so compelled to stay awake even though I have work in the morning. Or maybe it's just the summer holidays which keep me awake ? That would be a valid reason but since this happens to me more often than just during the short summer I don't quite know what to think. Another theory would be my passive lifestyle as it is at the moment. Since "there's nothing to do" no energy is used up and when night falls the energy level is still far from zero. See the sad thing is that there's so much opportunity to do lots of stuff but there's a psychological barrier keeping me from using these opportunities that are presented to me.

But when I think about the reason to why this is my answer usually ends up being my friends. I feel as though it were my friends fault. And this feeling is unsettling since I don't want to blame them. But maybe this is what people mean by "Finnish people are gloomy and sad" ?

Since most of the people I know never really do anything. During the weekend go to a pub and drink themselves silly or wonder around town aimlessly, not actually doing anything.

But maybe that only applies to the people around here ?

Maybe it's just me being lazy complaining like this and not doing anything about it ? Now that would b the most logical thing to assume... It's not like if it's anybodies fault that my life is boring but my own... Or ? Anybody wanna come out and confess ? Didn't really think so, since it's no one else bears the blame but me. But then there's the issue of finding both energy and the willpower to change things for the better.....

Now I told you about my curse.... Tell me about yours !

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