Monday, September 8, 2014

Entering a new family

There's so much going on in my head I don't really know what to write. One thing is for certain is that it's not as easy as I had anticipated. Knowing that your contribution is very important and you haven't yet quite grasped what's expected of you. As I stood in the kitchen looking around me processing everything a strong emotion approached me. I looked at the drawing on the fridge and tried to understand. My heart was filled with sorrow. It broke my heart. The drawing tells a tale of what has transpired. 

I've only been here for a few days and already I've taken in so much, learned so much, thought about so much. I just want to snap my fingers and make it all go away. I just want to remove all the stress. It feels like the most essential thing just isn't as present as it should be, but I can tell that it's there. It's just that the situation is tight. I want to be better. I want to do more. I want to help.

I can't help but to think about others people in this same situation. How do they handle it? Knowing how common it is makes a scary reality. I don't get how people do it. Also it's a reminder of why we see the things we see.

I'm just wondering if I actually can make a difference or not. Am I going to be of help or will I end up being more of a burden? Of course I can make a difference! That's why I'm here. I'm here to help. At the same time I realise I can't do it by myself. Thankfully I'm not alone either.

Friday, September 5, 2014

A New Beginning

I guess you could say life is quite exciting at the moment. Everything is new and it's a lot to take in. It's no problem though. It won't take long till I'm settled in. I'm looking forward to exploring. I'm looking forward to going into these deep discussions. I'm looking forward to making a difference. I feel called. I know this is where I need to be right now. My mission. I will learn a lot. I am grateful.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

An Unfamiliar Sense of Welcome

It's something strange. I can't say I've ever really experienced it before. It's refreshing. Never before have I ever been in a place that has made me feel so much at home. It really is amazing. Being rootless I have never really known what it feels like to be home. I get a sense of acceptance that's different from that of friends, something that goes deeper. Suddenly the whole concept of family gets a deeper meaning. For years I never had what I see others have, only now can I get a proper taste of what it's like. Things aren't perfect but they are what they need to be

It's hard to put words on the love I feel. Sometimes it feels like you can't truly express those really intense emotions. You always feel like there's more you could do. You keep on doing everything you can but still there's more you can do. But that's the beauty of it, you are never really finished. There's always more to do and what you've already done is always enough. 

It's interesting how you can basically go anywhere and still find brothers and sisters. The fellowship seems to have no boundaries. That's the way it's supposed to be. We aren't limited by borders. The genuine love expressed to strangers, but they're never really strangers for they are our brothers and sisters. It's amazing being a part of such a family. 

Despite the whirlpool of emotions there's peace at the center of it all.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The Promise

The train brought me back, back to something I felt becoming relevant again. Somehow it seemed like that's what it all meant. I don't care about the circumstances. A promise has been made. There's nothing to fear. 

Look up, I'm safe.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Cycles

Upon the realisation that the end draws near I started to think about what I am about to leave behind me. All those hours those things have been on my mind. Thinking of different ways to build and trying to apply those thoughts, keeping in mind what reality looked like. 

Once again I feel like I'm being thrown into the unknown. Only this time things are different. A lot is different now. A lot has changed, within and around me. Life has taken a lot of unexpected turns. Even though I was expecting the unexpected I still found myself surprised. Words cannot describe what I have experienced. 

Naturally I have my questions and thoughts about the future but the truth is, it's all beyond my control. 

It's amazing how it works. Suddenly I just saw it. I saw the need and I went here. As I closed in on the need I felt it. I could feel exactly how it felt all throughout my body. I fell to my knees and it overwhelmed me for a moment or two. I got the attention and moved on. Hopefully seeds were planted.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Appreciation

Every now and then things don't go the way we have planned. These past few days I've had to live with the fact that nothing has gone as I had hoped. Due to certain circumstances my life has been quite different since I've had to live without one of my essentials. Often you'd hear people say things like "you don't really know what you had till it's gone" or stuff like that, though I would disagree. 

Naturally when something you have disappears you'll feel the absence. In my opinion that is actually too late for you to notice what you had. To me, the statement above seems more like an excuse. I knew that it was an essential for my situation and I was grateful for having it. I knew that in it's absence my life would become a lot more difficult and challenging. I knew what I was losing before I lost it. I knew what I had. Losing an essential added a lot of challenge to my everyday life. I simply had to change how I did things and sadly I had to cancel a few plans.

I think a lot more people would be a lot happier if they started appreciating what they have. What if more people were more aware of what they have and how privileged they are? I hear stories of teenagers deliberately destroying their phones so that their parents will have to buy them new ones, the latest and best ones. Will this work in the long run? From what I gather, young people tend not to think too much about the future and the fact that they will one day move out and have to support themselves. This is no news, they tend to just assume that they'll get just about whatever they like. Naturally there are a lot of exceptions to this generalisation. Every now and then I can meet very mature teenagers who think about the future and what kind of consequences their actions have. They're aware of the financial situation in the family and they take that into account.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Inconvenient truths

So I suppose it's about time to write a new post. It's been a while. I haven't just felt like I've had anything to say. 

When I got the apology I was a bit surprised. I didn't know how to react. I still don't. Looking back to the event I think that maybe it was good with an apology, though I don't know how else things could have been done. It's not a very big thing but I appreciate the gesture. To me it speaks of something deeper. I admire the character I see.

There is a lot of good I can see. I can't help but to be bothered by the unease I feel every now and then. I know this unease is only a reflection of the deep insecurity. A deep deep scar from the past. I've noticed every now and then the subtle flashes of emotions that are rooted in history. I am bothered by the fact that I'm still affected by what happened. It's easy to forgive and forget, it's not always so easy to follow it through. I can forgive, but how could I ever forget? 

My dreams reveal the resentment I carry. I await that day when I will be confronted by it. Will I keep my cool or will my emotions get the better of me once again? Will I ever get the closure I need to move on? Perhaps not. Frankly I don't think things will be good ever again. It's a two way stream and I'm sure that I can't expect anything. Of course people can change, but I have seen no indications that anything will change. 

I am no longer the same closed up person I once was. Two years ago I would never have shared what I talked about last sunday. I can see how I am a lot more able to help people now and make more of a difference. 

Thank you!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Stepping up

These past few weeks have given me so much to be thankful for. I'm just overjoyed. It's like nothing else. I have a lot to look forward to. I am very excited. 

Things have come up, things of old. I feel that it is on me to solve this situation but I don't think that it is right that it is on me. Of course I will contribute with what I can, but it is not really one of my responsibilities. In some ways I feel that it is unfair, but this is my opportunity to step up and be more than I am. Come to think of it this is one of the kinds of things I want to work with in the future. Perhaps I was meant to deal with this right now. 

Responsibility is something which I find to be a very important thing. I think responsibility is something that needs to be prioritised a lot more in our society. When there is something we must do, we should do it. Not because it's easy or pleasant but because there are people who are counting on you to do the right thing. Of course I feel this is an unfair burden but I'm not alone in this either. I have support. I have someone who always has my back. It is not by my own strength I'll carry this burden. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Letters

The anticipation. Knowing that there is something waiting for you when you get home. You have a fair idea as to what it is. I don't think I've ever checked the mail with such anticipation before. When I finally got home and got to check the mailbox I was excited to say the least. 

I opened the letters one by one and my satisfaction just kept on growing. If only you could have seen the smile on my face.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Legacy

I want to make a difference. I want the things that I do to matter. I want to leave something behind when I go. I want to leave a legacy.

What can I do today in order to make life better in ten generations time. What seeds can I plant today that people ten generations from now can benefit from. Looking at the generations who've gone before me I see a few seeds they sew that harms us today. What can I do in order to make sure that doesn't happen? Thinking about the future and the consequences of your choices isn't always that easy. You are rarely aware of the consequences of your actions till it's too late to take it back.

I think one of the keys to making a difference is being a good role model for anyone that you might meet. I have been in situations where someone has been there for me in any way and they never gave a second thought as to how much it would mean to me. They had no idea that their contribution meant a lot to me and helped me along the path. Every now and then I turn to these people and thank them for what they did back then. Things that they have forgotten and they are surprised that it made all that difference in my life. I've also noticed that small honest encouraging words can go a long way. Often people are surprised since no one ever notices their efforts (when in the most cases they just haven't said anything). You can see how they light up at the fact that they're being acknowledged. 

In the end I don't think it has so much to do about doing a lot of big things and always being the best all the time. I think it's about the everyday life, your attitude, your encouragement and simply the love you have for people in general. Also it has to do with taking care of the closer relationships you have. It's important to never forget the people who are close to you. 

There's a lot more to say on this subject. Since time is scarce I will have to stop here.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Adventure of Life

My life has been quite adventurous as of late. It's kind of like coming outside being met with a warm ray of sunlight for the very first time. It feels as though this new year really has something new to offer. New connections are made. A brighter future awaits. The things I'm experiencing are ineffable. I can simply just say that I am so very very thankful.

All the worries and anxiety disappeared. To think that just a simple reminder and words of reassurance could make that difference. The thought crossed my mind so I was prepared. Things worked out as I had thought and things went very smoothly. I realised that there had been no point in worrying. Everything turned out fine, or better than fine. Something unexpected happened which brought me great joy. It was a pity that my schedule was so tight, but that doesn't matter. Not only had my adventurous day been good, I also met an old acquaintance which increased my satisfaction with the day.

A new adventure begins tomorrow.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Next Chapter

Thinking back on that advice I believe it's given me a better perspective of things. I've tried it out and the result was as I had anticipated. More or less just confirming what I already knew. I get confused sometimes. I see things clearly now, I think. 

Looking forward things seem more unclear than ever before, but that doesn't really bother me like it used to. The thing is that I have a lot of options. Now it's just a matter of sorting them out and finding the path I want to take. I have my trust in higher places. 

I've been thinking about doing something new as to mark a new age. Mostly just as a sign for myself to leave the old behind and move on to something new. My life is never going to be the same again, I'm sure of it. 

Living in victory is amazing. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

I am never alone

I found myself put in this process. I'm still in it and I don't know when I'll be coming out of it. I'm reminded of something a friend noticed. The same thing came up every now and then. I suppose I might not have been ready to take it then for what it was. There's a whole part that I just wanted to deny, even though I could see it myself. I chose to be blind to the truth that was right in front of me. I guess I'm bringing it up again because I hurt myself a lot making that choice. 

Things bubbled up to the surface once more and I need to deal with the things now that I couldn't back then. There were a few words that stuck with me. I shared those words and thought about the situation I was facing. I got some good advice. My mind is no longer in shambles. I'm more clear about it now. Putting the pieces together now and finding that things probably are as I thought all along. My thoughts reflecting the realisation that I had not yet processed. 

Looking back I realise that my focus shifted. I need to put it back in place. Focus on what's important, the rest is secondary. I sometimes feel like I'm very hard in my thoughts and I wonder whether or not I ought to be. Naturally I think I'm right but do I need to be more gentle in my mind? A lot of thoughts I'm having now is about what I'm doing and why I'm doing what I do. This applies to a lot of areas. To be honest I've felt like last year blurred my vision and that I've missed out on a lot of things because of it. I suppose it's perfectly normal, but it perhaps isn't the best. It's hard to focus when your eyesight is blurred. 

This year I'm hoping things will go smoother. I'm hoping to not be as distracted as I've been before. I want to be more intentional with what I'm doing and making proper plans. I plan to be more stable and strong. I will learn from the past and leave it behind me and look forward to that which is to come. 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

New Year

2012 ended in a lot of pain and confusion. I had made the right choice yet I decided to get back into it. I was right the first time. I made a lot of bad choices back then, choices I regret today. I should have known. Immediately I knew I had made the wrong choice, still I decided to ignore it. You’d think that the circumstances and my reactions should have warned me enough, but no, I was too pigheaded to listen to reason. My weakness became apparent to me. 2012 ended in disaster. 2013 began with disaster. 

I kept holding on despite my better judgement. I knew I was making a mistake, yet I could not bring myself to admit it to myself. I chose to avoid talking about it. I questioned everything. The further along I went the more unsure I was. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. I suspected where things were headed, ever since the new beginning. I lay there in the comfort of my friends, the pain was unbearable.

The further I went the more I knew where things were going. I realised that there was no hope, still I kept on going. I invested more than I thought I ought to. I was going to see things through to the end. With a lot of pain and doubt and sorrow I did. I was met with dishonesty. I had my suspicions already but I chose no not follow that path to the end. Perhaps if I had been a bit more patient I would have given room for the confession, but then again I’m not sure if I would ever get one. Finally I felt at peace.


I sat there listening to those words. I had heard it before but I was not the same person I was before. Those words somehow meant a lot more to me now. I just knew I had to find a pen and paper. I got up and found it. I listened to the picture and I knew what was about to happen. I fell down to the floor in pain. It was like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I was finally free.

The evening started out great. Everything was fine and I was having a good time. Then something was said that could never be taken back. I felt compelled to ask the question. The one I feared the answer to, because I already knew the answer. It was only a matter of confirmation. The instant the answer came I knew what it was. The rage I felt that day was like no other I had ever felt in my entire life. The betrayal and pain was the worst thing I could have ever imagined. I am familiar with pain but this was on a completely different level. My new path was about to begin.

I knew where to go and what to do. There was no mysteries there. Looking back at it all I’m still a bit surprised at how well things went. I wasn’t alone this time. I fell and someone was there to catch me. This time, there was more to it. My heart was no longer shut like it used to be. I could receive the love that was available to me. Faith was relevant like never before. It was time to practice what I preach. It was never easy, but I was never alone either.

I moved on and a lot started to change. I found a completely new mindset. I found a new passion. I found a new drive. I built a something irreplaceable. Something I would not want to live without. I have received a lot and I am so thankful.


2013 ended with a lot of joy. Looking back I can safely say that I made a lot of progress. 2014 started well and I can only be hopeful for what this year has to offer. I’m very sure that 2014 will be a lot better than 2013.