New Year

2012 ended in a lot of pain and confusion. I had made the right choice yet I decided to get back into it. I was right the first time. I made a lot of bad choices back then, choices I regret today. I should have known. Immediately I knew I had made the wrong choice, still I decided to ignore it. You’d think that the circumstances and my reactions should have warned me enough, but no, I was too pigheaded to listen to reason. My weakness became apparent to me. 2012 ended in disaster. 2013 began with disaster. 

I kept holding on despite my better judgement. I knew I was making a mistake, yet I could not bring myself to admit it to myself. I chose to avoid talking about it. I questioned everything. The further along I went the more unsure I was. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. I suspected where things were headed, ever since the new beginning. I lay there in the comfort of my friends, the pain was unbearable.

The further I went the more I knew where things were going. I realised that there was no hope, still I kept on going. I invested more than I thought I ought to. I was going to see things through to the end. With a lot of pain and doubt and sorrow I did. I was met with dishonesty. I had my suspicions already but I chose no not follow that path to the end. Perhaps if I had been a bit more patient I would have given room for the confession, but then again I’m not sure if I would ever get one. Finally I felt at peace.


I sat there listening to those words. I had heard it before but I was not the same person I was before. Those words somehow meant a lot more to me now. I just knew I had to find a pen and paper. I got up and found it. I listened to the picture and I knew what was about to happen. I fell down to the floor in pain. It was like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I was finally free.

The evening started out great. Everything was fine and I was having a good time. Then something was said that could never be taken back. I felt compelled to ask the question. The one I feared the answer to, because I already knew the answer. It was only a matter of confirmation. The instant the answer came I knew what it was. The rage I felt that day was like no other I had ever felt in my entire life. The betrayal and pain was the worst thing I could have ever imagined. I am familiar with pain but this was on a completely different level. My new path was about to begin.

I knew where to go and what to do. There was no mysteries there. Looking back at it all I’m still a bit surprised at how well things went. I wasn’t alone this time. I fell and someone was there to catch me. This time, there was more to it. My heart was no longer shut like it used to be. I could receive the love that was available to me. Faith was relevant like never before. It was time to practice what I preach. It was never easy, but I was never alone either.

I moved on and a lot started to change. I found a completely new mindset. I found a new passion. I found a new drive. I built a something irreplaceable. Something I would not want to live without. I have received a lot and I am so thankful.


2013 ended with a lot of joy. Looking back I can safely say that I made a lot of progress. 2014 started well and I can only be hopeful for what this year has to offer. I’m very sure that 2014 will be a lot better than 2013.