Mind food

I just got my mind food. Something which I've been missing. Gone through some real deep stuff. Spoken about life and people in a completely different manner than I usually do. I think we've realized some real truths, or at least I have. Feels like ages since my mind was stimulated in such a matter. It feels like a step up.

With this I realized within myself how I've slowly but surely glided towards the easier path. From once being a dedicated thinker I've strode closer and closer towards the path of the egocentric. My thoughts have more or less been kept to myself. My world has shrunk significantly as of late.

Lifted weights

This weekend was something I really needed. Away from life as I know it. Isolated in an cold cocoon surrounded by friends. It's been along time since I've done anything of the sorts. Long time since I actually did anything with friends. It's been something else than the normal half-conversations I've been having as of late. Not the same meaningless wasting of time which doesn't make anything feel better. Certain things have been nice but they've only had trivial changes in my life. Just wasting time on meaningless complaining about things we cannot change. In the end it doesn't really matter. It will never change. Things will forever be of the same nature only different places and different times. So why complain about the inevitable future? There will always be thing to do. There will always be a lot going on. There will always be a need to prioritize and leave somethings behind. One has to learn to decide what is truly important and do what one can to keep it close and not let go. But I guess that's kind of what's happened. Only that the words and actions don't match.

When being away like this I felt life. As if it was something I haven't experienced in a long time. It was as if a great weight had been lifted. There was a sense of purpose in being there. We were doing stuff that I felt had meaning. Something concrete that I truly will have use for now and in the future. A constructive way of communicating without any complications. We learned stuff about each other. I was more direct and honest than I've been able to be in a long time. It felt nice, having a group of people who you feel you could share such things with. Of course there are a lot of things which I left out. But there where these few things that I wouldn't have been as open with as in normal circumstances.

Maybe there never was a weight that was lifted. Maybe the weight wasn't lifted but shared? Maybe I only felt a lighter weight because it was one that I had now been able to share like never before?

I look forward to going to the Philippines. I think that will do me good. Not only for practical reasons but spiritually as well. I think it will give time for my soul to mend it's wounds and scars. I believe that this trip will be life changing. There will be a rejuvenation me as a whole. Both body and spirit.

Lovely times

Yesterday was great crack. Haven't really had so much fun in a while it seems. Making new acquaintances, just having relaxed conversation with no need of any thought to the matter. I wonder why these feelings arise so seldom. Is it because I may hold these things at bay? Like if I don't welcome these situations usually. But then I don't find that to be true. I'm usually welcoming to things that I find nice and fulfilling. Do those things even present themselves at all anymore? How come I've become so picky? It's like I'm there and I could enjoy many moments just like the ones yesterday but still can't find myself to enjoy it.

Under which circumstances am I able to enjoy myself? What's so different from everyday and yesterday? I can only find one solid reason. But can it really matter that much? Personally I think it's silly. This whole problem. There shouldn't be any reason to these feelings. It's just plain stupid. But I guess that's just what the psyche is, just plain stupid and irrational. Why can't I just adjust to the situation like any other? Usually I'd have no problem adjusting. Why do I have problems now?

New Family Member

So it seems our family tree once again has expanded. I have not yet met this nameless lass but I'm looking forward to it.

Thoughts of a Peculiar Mind

I've started my second blog now. If you want it you may ask for it.

An extra blog

I was thinking of creating an extra blog. One with thoughts not directly relevant to my life. Things that I just think of but never get to share, that kind of thing. I'm currently researching men and women and getting facts straight. Learning what most people are oblivious to. I many times find things I want to share but I just don't get around to doing it because I can't really place it here with my thoughts on my life.

I usually make up quotes and stuff like that and it'd be nice to see what people say about them. Something where people might just comment on while my personal life doesn't seem to be comment-worthy.

Probability

I am not in here. Even if I tried harder I wouldn't be here. I'm not here nor will I probably ever be. I'm just not meant for here. Even though I try I'm reluctant to participate in the activity of others. It doesn't matter. It's a bit sad not really being there. But I don't fit in. The lack of meaningful conversation and friendships are taking a great toll on me. I am very unhappy. Being surrounded by a crowd yet still being quite alone. Though it is very much my fault for not engaging in anything involving my peers. Though it doesn't seem to matter all that much. They all leave me to my solitude. Though I can't really blame them. I wouldn't say I'm very inviting towards them. All that noise, that meaningless noise. There is absolutely no reason to make so much noise. Sometimes you just want to yell at them and tell them to shut up. But I don't want to make a scene. I don't want to have anything with it to do.

But why would I be? I'm not happy with them. I haven't been in far to long it seems. And I don't see any change in that at all. The future is gloom. Of course it's not all bad. There are those rare occasions when I touch that happiness, the brief feeling of belonging. But these feelings never last.

I asked the school nurse about my sleeping problems. Physically there shouldn't be anything which causes my insomnia. So obviously there's something within the mind which causes it. The school nurse thought I should go to Klaara and talk to someone. I myself am against the thought. But I guess it's worth giving another shot. The psychologists I've met in the past have not been able to pinpoint anything of significance. Nothing that I haven't myself figured out. Then again I probably never gave them enough of a chance to help. I guess bad experiences haunt you. The experiences have made me very skeptical towards psychologists. There doesn't seem to be any good ones. But I guess it's just a matter of taking a proper look. I've been to two places within a years time and both were useless. Klaara sent me to tonårspolikliniken who sent me to two different psychologists which none helped me.

But I guess I'll have to give it another shot.

Changing directions

As I go through life I think of what has been and what the future holds for possibilities. I have more or less found my crowd. I have found my way back to old friends and new possibilities. I've changed the path I was on and now I feel a lot more optimistic. I no longer feel the same emptiness as before. Not because my everyday situation has changed very much but just that I've gotten used to it and accepted the way things are and moved on. I've found something else which probably will be more important to me than what I've had. Something a lot more stable. I feel we're more or less on the same level which is a great comfort.

It's still sad leaving things behind but I guess that's life. Not that it's never been done before but I felt this time it was more of a pity than earlier. Before my path had moved on. Now I'm still at the same place with things left out. Relationships with others aren't as good as they have been and I suspect they never really will be. There are so many unspoken words, so many things to say. But no one there to tell. There is no point in speaking for nothing spoken would be taken in account. I cannot share my life stories as I once could which bothers me. I would like to have this person to tell everything worth while to. But I don't thing there's anyone here who's really capable of it.

People have their problems and therefore they have no room for the problems of others. They don't have time to spend on other peoples needs. It's not that it's hard, it's more like there's not enough energy left to do it. While ghosts of the past continue to haunt the conscious mind from the subconscious, the ghosts of reality seem to ensure that the traveler dares not enter the dark forest which is the unknown.

When living with your imaginary friend for so long how could one live without him? He's been there for so long he's affected every decision you've made the past 15 years. How does one break free from this? My thoughts wander off into the abyss of the unknown frequently to explore the different possibilities, but my question is, does anyone else's? I keep wondering to myself if there is anybody else who cares about that which lies beneath that which is obvious.

In my experience people don't listen very much to what you say, they constantly try to find the alternate meaning behind your every word even though there never was an alternate meaning to begin with. Are people just that paranoid or why is this? Have people seen to much movies with people saying one thing expecting the person to take it a certain way while then actually meaning a totally different thing. Do people always look for the deceit in everybody else's words or is it just me? I've often realized that I've said exactly what I've meant and people have taken it in a completely different way. I've been really surprised at times how bizarrely wrong people can interpret simple words.

I had a strangely relaxed conversation with an old acquaintance to whom my relation has been rather tense to the most part. I was quite surprised at the whole situation. I never really thought that would happen any time soon. But it was good. A less strained relationship, at least from my part. The strain has mostly been my fault because I've deliberately kept a distance. Not really allowing us to come any closer each other. It's not exactly due to stubbornness but a significant part. After certain events I had come to recent the whole thought of change. Expecting it to change eventually but not really doing anything to make it happen.

After gaining a new knowledge of privileges and the rules which apply to getting these privileges I've started playing with a thought. A thought that's been there all along but I've never thought of it as a possibility since I thought I wouldn't get these specific privileges. But now since I learned that my reasons are good enough I'm thinking of pursuing these thoughts. It would make life a lot easier. Just thinking about it is exciting. But those plans would be a year from now. Still it is rather exciting.