Decision Making

I'm in the phase of decision making. I'm deciding whether I should give it another shot or not. I know I would want to be given another chance. But the question remains. Should I? Would I learn if I were given another chance? Would I as a person of this young age understand the weight of another chance or would I just expect it to come to me? Would I expect everybody to see to it that I have a good life or would I understand how much trouble "my friend" has gone and is currently going through just to try to give me a second chance. Would I just be spoiled by this second chance and say to myself " Sure I'll get another one, I always do" or would I understand to take a second chance and actually put in a valid effort to make things alright again?

The problem with these scenarios is that it takes the effort of two or more people. I cannot alone make things alright. Not when there are others involved. Not when the problem itself circulates another person. For it is entirely the other person who decides what happens. For I know I will play my part to make things good again. I would go as far as to make things better and stronger than they ever were. I would try to ensure that they would stay that way. I would try to teach the other person the importance of this whole process. But when saying that I know I do not have the other persons respect. I'm sad to admit I do not have the respect required to teach something even thought the other person would know that I know best.

It's not easy nor fun to depend on another person. Since the other person doesn't care at all. I could just aswell be gone and it would make no other difference. I don't trust that the other person will either care nor try. For I have so little significance why should I expect to make a difference. But still I will give this person another chance. I will try once more for I know things could be better. Still I don't feel at all confident in this person... I can only hope that everything I've said and explained has actually gone through and has made a difference. That this has and will help this person in the future even though I might not be there.

conversation

It seems as though my choise of action was good after all. At least I had the long needed conversation. I didn't really expect it. Didn't really think it would've mattered. But as it turnes out. What to do now is still a question. Should I risk it? Is it worth it? Knowing how things went the last time.. Should I really take this risk?

Being on the safe side it would just be best if I completely threw it all away. Say some nasty things and then a goodbye. But I don't want to be cruel. I still care. I never stopped. But me caring got me to where I've been these last few days. But now I'm wondering, where was I? Where have I been? I haven't really had control over actions or thoughts. But I know why, but I don't want to tell it. I'm too ashamed to have been there. Why did I go there? How could I have let go of myself like that?

What will happen if I take another chance? I made a mistake last time in trying. How can I possibly know that it's going to turn out any different from last time? The truth is that I have no way of knowing. I can't in any way expect anything else than the worst for one reason only. It would surely only lead to another agonizing period worse than this recent one. Could I as a mere human be able to handle such a burden? Could a mere teenager such as myself handle another let-down like that? Should I as an individual trust another when being so fragile and vulnerable? I'm thinking, expect the worst possible outcome and mentally prepare for it. I can't risk it anymore. I've sacrificed too much already. I couldn't possibly sacrifice any more of myself. I'm not capable of it. I am still just human...

right? wrong? good? bad?

Who can really say what is what? Was it a good decision or was it a bad one? Who can really tell? I know I can't. Not at the moment. I'm feeling out of myself. I'm not really me. I do not enjoy life, my optimism has disappeared.

I don't know if it was a wise choice. Maybe this will only make things harder? But there's also a chance that it will make things easier.. on my half at least. Completely letting go... Though this was never what I wanted but.. As things seem there won't be a turning point. I will now and forever be an enemy. This is at least how the situation looks. I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me to be so rejected. The deeper I look into it the more it feels as though it's just that I haven't seen it. That it's so clear. There is something wrong. Otherwise I wouldn't be here? Or maybe it's me overreacting. Possibly, no even likely. But still somehow I did it. Knowing that the situation now never may improve. But how could I possibly know? Maybe it won't make a difference? Maybe this is something that is wanted?

Come to thing of it. This might be just what should have been done. Maybe it should have been done a long time ago? But I thought it might give the wrong signal. Proposing the wrong thing? But since direct communication isn't allowed and not an option, nobody can really know what the other is thinking and therefore not really know what is best. I can only do what the mind that no longer belongs to me tells me.

Is this a cry for attention or is it a way to get the closure that never was available? I can only say that I need an end to this whole drama. I cannot go on like this any longer...

Day 5

This is the third day and I notice even further how hostile I'm becoming. It's getting harder and harder not to snap. Last night I experienced twitching again. Today I've been a bit high. Not really aware of what's going on. Just gone about. I'm starting to wonder if this really is helping me at all or if it's just making everything worse?

hostile behaviour

I can already feel the hostile behaviour.

I was told to document everything now to see the effects of the medicine so that's what I'll be using my blog for.

pill no 2

The first pill gave me a twitchy a arm. I had this strange ache as well but I fell asleep quite quickly. The day after I didn't wake up to my alarm which got me a bit late, I was really tired and looked a bit ruined. But overall that day went well.

The second pill didn't really give me any other symptoms than a greater apatite. This morning I didn't wake ut either. A teacher had to call and check if I was up since I wasn't in school. Feel tired again today. My concentration isn't all that good. But then again it hasn't been these past weeks.

the first pill

Now I've just taken the first pill. Now let's see how many of all those symptoms I'll get..

Is this something one can enjoy in any possible way? Why make things so hard? Why come and make it a lot harder for me? What is there to gain? Do you enjoy it?

Feels like I should express myself. But I don't know, I doubt there could come any good out of it

Time heals all wounds...

People usually say that time heals all wounds. But lately I've been wondering about that. Could that actually be through or is it just one of those cliche lines. I haven't really experienced it that way. More the opposite. Now that is somewhat upsetting. I thought that time would make things easier but I feel everything is just getting harder.

The anger inside is just building up. I'm getting more angry. Today has been even more of a hell than yesterday and the day before. I suspect tomorrow might be worse. Too much to do, too much too think about. Too much to suppress...

Overcome

The deed is done, the things are said. Some feelngs were hurt. Some tears came streaming down some faces. Certain things were left behind. Not anymore in that same limbo anymore. Things were discussed and things were forgiven.

I am relieved that it went so well. I finally overcame it. It feels good, like if everything else is going to fix itself. Now I can truly say, I'm happy!

I can now go on and leave this whole thing behind!

Now certain events are going to take place and the future will start to unfold itself. I feel as though there's a lot hanging on this single weekend. Will there be a solution to this conflict? Will I be able to take care of it all? Is this situation repairable? Will I be able to go through with it considering these recent circumstances?

I fear the way things are going now, it won't turn out well. I don't feel at all as confident as I did then. But this has to be done and I'll just have to somehow forget about the other problems and keep going.

The only question is how to stay strong when so down? From where could one draw the strength needed at times like these? Is there any way of staying optimistic about this whole thing?