right? wrong? good? bad?

Who can really say what is what? Was it a good decision or was it a bad one? Who can really tell? I know I can't. Not at the moment. I'm feeling out of myself. I'm not really me. I do not enjoy life, my optimism has disappeared.

I don't know if it was a wise choice. Maybe this will only make things harder? But there's also a chance that it will make things easier.. on my half at least. Completely letting go... Though this was never what I wanted but.. As things seem there won't be a turning point. I will now and forever be an enemy. This is at least how the situation looks. I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me to be so rejected. The deeper I look into it the more it feels as though it's just that I haven't seen it. That it's so clear. There is something wrong. Otherwise I wouldn't be here? Or maybe it's me overreacting. Possibly, no even likely. But still somehow I did it. Knowing that the situation now never may improve. But how could I possibly know? Maybe it won't make a difference? Maybe this is something that is wanted?

Come to thing of it. This might be just what should have been done. Maybe it should have been done a long time ago? But I thought it might give the wrong signal. Proposing the wrong thing? But since direct communication isn't allowed and not an option, nobody can really know what the other is thinking and therefore not really know what is best. I can only do what the mind that no longer belongs to me tells me.

Is this a cry for attention or is it a way to get the closure that never was available? I can only say that I need an end to this whole drama. I cannot go on like this any longer...