Old Acquaintances

I just had a nice conversation with one of my old classmates from Ireland. It was nice to do some catching up after all these years.

Simple things in life make it more enjoyable

Thought patterns

Recent thoughts that have crossed my mind have made me worry. Worry about what's going on inside. These violent outbursts held inside, these hurtful thoughts kept to myself. All for the sake of another. Why feel these urges? Why are they growing stronger and stronger all the time? If this keeps on, how long will it take before it consumes me? What kind of consequences could it have in the long-run? I know that these sleepless nights aren't going to have a good effect on the whole thing but it seems to be a product of this whole thing.

Sitting right in between two black holes feeling that you are being ripped apart. Not only from the outside but a monster is trying to break out from the prison inside you.

Confidence

I feel more confident now. I had a short talk with a friend which gave me some quite obvious advice but it was good of this person to tell me just those things. Even though I knew them already the reassurance given was vital. I feel confident in what I must do. Now having a clearer perspective on how I'm going to go about, things should roll more smoothly. I just need to make sure I don't leave anything out and tell of the whole situation. How I look at the whole situation. What this situation has done and created. A possible solution that would stay for the rest of our lives. I still have my worries but I believe that it will at least turn towards the right way.

Recent Dreams...

What do they mean? Why am I having them? Is there a reason I'm having them? The same theme on them all. Why is this person always in some way in them? What is this persons role in the whole?

Questionable Moods...

A mixture of happiness and sorrow. Don't really know how to feel. What I should react upon the most. So much uncertainty. Why am I always a victim? Why haven't I already broken this cycle? Why does these small things get at me so much? I mean why am I disappointed? Did I really expect anything else? I mean who cares anyways? It's not like if it matters anyways...

Something Wonderful!

Can't explain the feeling, for words could not accurately explain the true greatness of that those moments. Really felt close. Really felt that I've taken a step closer to the right path. With these wonderful people as friends I feel secure and safe.

This is Something Wonderful! Now to spread my joy to everybody else!

?

I don't know how to express myself about the matter...

True Happiness

I can only thank you! Such happiness is far to rare! Prayers have been answered only in a different way than expected. Such happiness can only be divine.

Unsaid things...

Those things that are never said may hurt the most. Things that can't be said. How I wish I could let it all out... Not bottling it all up like this! I hate not being able to say what needs to be said. Keeping myself from doing this has it's negative effects.. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. Slowly but surely I will eventually break down in despair. I have been crushed. Nothing seems to be able to render the pain for any periods of time.

I feel thrown away. Simply discarded. I really wish I wouldn't have to feel like this. But what is there I could do? If a person doesn't want to talk? It's not like if you could force the person to talk to you. It would only drive the person away... I guess I can only dwell further in thought and pray for salvation. Pray that this will soon end.

Change

I feel a change. A strange kind of change. But it feels great somehow. Some clarity over the whole. It must have been the conversation with that specific friend. We talked quite a while. But I feel it helped me on my road. The path lit up. Though I am filled with sadness, I still feel a certain happiness. An ease in my sorrow. A chance to once again try to fix some of those mistakes. Get on with my life and leave the pain behind.

Relief

Last night wasn't too nice though. To be honest yesterday was quite a nightmare. No sleep and suppressing thoughts as much as possible. Wrote a bit on my song realizing stuff.

Today started off quite bad, but ended quite well. A very needed conversation took place after school. Can't say how relieved I am. A great flush of relief washed over me and most of my negativity went away.

.........

I just don't know what to say... Can't say I like it... But there nothing really I can do either.... It just hurts... A hurt like never before....... But still, it was worth it. I just find it such a pity. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome, I was told... It just feels so... completely empty. Like something is just missing. Something valuable.... something very valuable... Being positive about it is not a possibility. I just am not able.... Can't even try to pretend.. It's too obvious.... But shutting oneself away wouldn't be an answer either even though it would feel good. Just laying down not getting up again. But what would I accomplish with that ? I mean that would only worsen everything... Haven't slept for quite a while. That can't really help anything but sleep just doesn't seem like an opportunity I would have somehow... Subconsciously punishing myself for letting something like that slip out of my hands ? Probably something like that. But knowing about it.. doesn't that kind of change the fact that it would be subconscious...

Now I just feel as though I shouldn't have written a thing..........

alerting feelings...

Well, it turns out that my worries came to be through... I'm just kind of shocked... The decision is not absolute but it doesn't feel too great. Last time I had a feeling like this it turned out to be the right one. Now that just makes things that much worse. I'm taking this whole situation quite hard. I hoped and prayed so hard that it wouldn't be the case. But it still happened. But at least I got some things clear. It's just a pity it all came so suddenly and as it seems too late. No chance of fixing certain things... of course it isn't absolute but. I don't know what to do. can't stop myself from thinking of it.

I guess I can only hope and pray for the best

Worries

I can nothing else than worry and contemplate the worst. Of what I know it probably wasn't anything good. I feel insecure and in a tight spot. I don't know what to expect. I at least would think I'm not liked from at least one way. I would think that the person I have in mind would want me to go away. But sure I don't know I might just be paranoid. But still I have these worries of mine and I don't like it. I feel threatened. I fear the worst and don't know what to do.

I hate phone calls.. because of that phone call I got to hear some stuff but it was not all and there was more to it. Something more to be said. Something not appropriate to speak of via the phone. This made me wonder. What is going on? Should I worry or not? Judging by what's been going on I feel the need to worry for I don't feel safe. The frustration in the voice on the other side tells me it's not all gonna be okay. The tension of the conversations are telling me to expect the worst.

How I hope I'm only being paranoid.... The thoughts I'm having are already breaking me down. What if it really comes to pass? Then what?