.........

I just don't know what to say... Can't say I like it... But there nothing really I can do either.... It just hurts... A hurt like never before....... But still, it was worth it. I just find it such a pity. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome, I was told... It just feels so... completely empty. Like something is just missing. Something valuable.... something very valuable... Being positive about it is not a possibility. I just am not able.... Can't even try to pretend.. It's too obvious.... But shutting oneself away wouldn't be an answer either even though it would feel good. Just laying down not getting up again. But what would I accomplish with that ? I mean that would only worsen everything... Haven't slept for quite a while. That can't really help anything but sleep just doesn't seem like an opportunity I would have somehow... Subconsciously punishing myself for letting something like that slip out of my hands ? Probably something like that. But knowing about it.. doesn't that kind of change the fact that it would be subconscious...

Now I just feel as though I shouldn't have written a thing..........