I've been able to express some of my concerns. But still it feels fairly the same. There is a change in behavior but I suspect that's about it. My guess it will take at least till summer before there will be any significant change if any at all. I don't expect anything other than that. But I shouldn't expect anything after that anyways. When I think about it I don't see any change in the future. Sure, there is a possibility, there always is, but I don't really believe in it. There will always be something that prevents any significant change. But at least I got to express my feelings about the matter and my mind has eased a bit.
Still I see people in suffering. Some of new things and some are still haunted by their past. Not being able to let go of their feelings. Helpless to help I try to convince them of the same things over and over but it seems to have no effect on the matter whatsoever, besides the fact that I show my support. But I want to give more than just that. I want to help.
Sometimes what's going on is hidden. You have no real way of knowing if what you're thinking is correct of completely off course. Still you try to make it clear for the people in need what they're feeling. Let them themselves understand what exactly caused the current feelings and in that way of understanding try to help them find a solution themselves. Though since I have no real insight to these matters I can't do much more than show support and try to help them in any way possible.
While haunted by ghosts of the past certain things might be hard to overcome. Something's been going on for quite some time and there seems to be no end but still some positivity has sprouted. There is hope. Things are going up. The light is growing but still it's a journey left before one can enter the light. Let the feelings bloom once again and experience life. So long has one been without the experience of life, it feels completely dull. There is little which makes difference. Everything is gray and nothing tastes good.
While thinking of these thing one might realize how little they can do to change these situations. There are to may factors to even know little yet react upon. Finding the deep reason behind each problem and then solving every little tricky riddle. There is a riddle within everybody. Some easier than others. I have found people are generally not very hard once you get to engage in meaningful conversation. Most people are rather ordinary. Most people are rather alike in some way or another. Everyone is different and unique but some of these factors are common in just about anyone.
But there are quite interesting exceptions to this. Those who seem to be completely different in such matters. I have found myself in this category. But I know that I'm not alone. I know people with similar differences. They are not like mine but still they fall under the same category of strange. Some things are exactly alike which would be quite odd, while other things are completely without any ordinary connection. There seems to be no reason for a certain reaction. Certain reactions seem to come out of the blue. I know they don't come out of the blue. Usually I realize that I've triggered a reaction. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I'm completely without basis so I would've had no idea to what caused it. Sometimes no idea to what was caused. Some reaction that I am unable to identify. They fall under the category of negative but that doesn't still give me much of a base to continue from.
Sometimes I feel completely clueless. And I blame myself for it. I feel as though it was my obligation to have understood that. An obligation to know how to react and how to handle things. But then imperfections arise and one realizes some of the shortcomings one has. In this area of life there is great pressure. To have to know and understand everything. To come with conclusions and solutions to the eventual problems and give warning to future problems.
Though I expect people to be completely open with me in such occasions, I'm never open with them. There is always something going on. And those few times anyone asks what's going on the question is usually just shrugged off. Just saying that there is nothing going on or just quickly giving a half-truth and change the subject turning it around to the other person. I know people a lot more than they know me. People have no real understanding of how I work. People don't know when there is anything going on in my life. Am I just subconsciously hiding behind a veil or are people just that ignorant. Or is it that they are just incapable to handle any of my problems or concerns. Why do I have to almost force people to listen before I feel heard? What is it that makes me walk around with things on my mind to myself while other get help. Since when did I become this reserved? Was it because I was needed and shoved my thoughts and feelings aside and just simply got that role. The role as the one you can open up and speak to but never the one who needs speaking to. The one who doesn't need it. The one who has no problems?
I have found that it is very rare that people come up to me and start a conversation. It is mostly I who start asking those catch-up questions making sure people are alright. Sure people make jokes and stuff with me but there are no sincere words. It's all just a joke. No real conversation. But I guess that's just life. I don't know if I'd accept people changing their attitude after possibly reading this blog. I'd just think that they're doing it because they feel a slight bit of guilt and that they need to keep their image of being a good and caring friend. But in truth I find it hard to believe they really are. Or am I just their exception to that rule?
I have loads of acquaintances but no real friends.... What happened?
I wake up every night wondering about these things, looking for the answers
