Breathless

I remember a time in which it happened before. I was overwhelmed. I went out and could barely breathe. I felt like I was choking. I never quite understood it. Why bother come out after me? After I pulled myself together and came back in I received a hug. I was confused.

Rocky Road

It's been hard lately. Going through these different issues has had it toll on me. It's been rather rocky and I've noticed that I haven't been able to handle things as well as I ought to.

I've been reading this book and sadly I can relate to far to much of what's in it. There are still those sensitive areas which I still have to go into. I never thought that these things could still have such an impact on my life today. I had thought that I'd taken care of it. The symptoms are clear. There's no doubt in my mind that there are still unresolved issues in these areas. I suppose I'll have to do a more thorough sweep of these areas. 

The problem is that these unresolved issues are very painful. Like infected wounds they still pose a threat to my well being. As a result my whole life is threatened.

I can't help but to wonder if I should have acted differently. I keep thinking that I reacted to harshly and too unfairly. I keep asking myself if I overreacted.

Perhaps it's the stress and the heavy topics that blows everything out of proportion. 

I feel like I have to say sorry over and over again, always questioning whether I really should be the one apologising. 

It's painful

Digging

It feels like there's always something going on and there's never any time for rest. There's always something to do and something to be done and even if there isn't it feels like there ought to be. 

A lot has been going on lately, especially on the inside. On the path that I'm currently traveling I seem to be walking through some pretty rough terrain. The hardest part is being honest and open about it. 

The other day we had one of our artistic therapy evenings. The majority of the feeling we handled were negative ones, also very familiar. Still it didn't feel hard or painful or anything. I'm used to these things by now. As it would seem, I have made progress in my quest. 

After going through these feelings I was asked to choose a feeling and paint a picture of that feeling with me in the picture. As I thought about it I realised that several of the other negative feelings had a lot to do with the one I chose. I drew the picture and felt like I finally could get it out, that which I had felt for some time. They say a picture says more than a thousand words, well in this case it was definitely true. That which was expressed could never have been expressed in words alone. 

After I was done we talked about the picture. Some questions arose and a lot of things became very clear. I now had something concrete to look at to explain the feelings I've been carrying around me for all this time. It's a matter of state of being. It's something that's been with me for a long time and something that might stay for the rest of my life. 

Some words were uttered that made me think. Words that were familiar. Even though I agree with what was said I still don't feel like I've truly accepted it. Perhaps I'm afraid that I'll let the hubris take over if I were to accept it. 

I'm still on this journey, a journey to find answers. I'm trying to find the answers which were unavailable to me before, while I was still in chains. Though I've gotten rid of the chains the burden hasn't become any lighter, sometimes I wonder if it's gotten even harder.

Caring for Others

Why do we care about others? I thought to myself the other day. Why do I care about others? Why do I care about those that I do? Some people I just can't find any reason as to why I should care about them. People that you usually have very little to do with, people who aren't family or anything like that. Why does one care? 

Why does one bother about caring for others well-being, really? 

Maybe the reason why isn't that important. Perhaps one shouldn't question these things, just be happy about it?