Transparency

Throughout the years I've been very hidden. A friend once told me it was like I was hiding behind a glass wall. I showed you whatever I wanted you to see but you could never really get to me. It was impossible for you to figure me out. What started off as a natural defence turned into my curse. I never realised how intoxicated I was by the power and control I had over what I showed and to whom. I never wanted to admit how manipulative I was doing and showing things that would lead you to believe one thing when I knew the truth.

Lately I've seen just how much of this behaviour was still left. I look back and see how come it has been so difficult. I see the source of my loneliness. Once a well meaning friend suggested I break down that glass wall and the thought of it scared me. Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to surrender my strength and be transparent and vulnerable? Was my friend crazy?

I recoiled and said that there was no way I would do something like that. It felt like doing that would lead to death. Now I've seen the value of opening up and being vulnerable. The pain of opening and being completely transparent was one of the hardest things I ever did. As I began to speak it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I felt vulnerable and that was scary. I never used to let myself feel vulnerable.

As I opened up and shared what was inside something in the atmosphere broke. It's like I heard a big crash. I looked up and saw how the darkness had broken and light was pushing through. It was like my heart had felt warmth like never before that day. I've seen how being transparent has opened up for others as well. Not only do I share my inner thoughts and receive recognition and love but my friends also get the opportunity to share what's on their hearts and that is what draws us close to each other.

I have seen what isolation has done in my life. I have heard countless times of how people have isolated themselves and how that never turns out to be a good thing. I have seen how important it is to be honest with each other and let other people in, for real. It's when we're isolated we're truly vulnerable and that's when we're taken out.

The Pride of my Youth

The thing that came up for me the other day is the way I've been limited by the things I used to say. I look back and can't help but to cringe at the pride in those words. I look at how I felt like I can't really change the way I was changing because I was becoming a different person to who I was when I uttered those words. The older I got the more I understood the foolishness of those words and how I need to stop limiting myself based on who I was and embrace who I am.

I'm not at all where I used to be. My life is no longer covered in darkness. I have a brand new outlook on life and I am so much happier because of it. At first I didn't want to admit that I had changed even though it was becoming increasingly apparent. 

I have found a new life

Nostalgia

In an instant things went back to the way they used to be. I was pleasantly surprised. It had been years I just didn't want to let go. Will things ever go back to the way they were or was this just a one time thing? Who knows? I don't